Warning Signs
by MBella
Summary: An idyllic past, a promising future, a love to last a lifetime...but haunted dreams and tragic events take Edward on the most difficult journey of his life. EXB Rated M
1. A Whisper

**Hello and welcome. I hope you all have been doing well. Warning Signs was included in MsKathy's Help Haiti compliations, and I was very honored to be able to be a part of it. The fandom really made a difference.**

**My second story is going to be a tad bit darker than my first, but I hope you all will like it. :)**

**The first few chapters will be short, but they will get much longer as the story gets underway.**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. **

**Enjoy!**

**A Whisper**

* * *

"Emmett, Emmett wake up…" Out of a corner of the darkness a small hand pushed on Emmett's pajama sleeve, shaking him awake.

"Wha…What do you want Eddie…go back to sleep…" Emmett grumbled, he yawned tiredly and turned over.

Edward's small hand rested on his brother's arm motionless for a few seconds. He cocked his head to the side; he could still hear the music down below. "Wake up Emmett…" he pushed on his brother harder, "Do you hear that? Come here…come look at this…"

Emmett finally forced his sleepy eyes open, lifting his head ever so slightly as he strained his ears to listen. He could hear the faint musical notes drifting upwards to his room. He pushed himself up on his forearms and threw back the covers.

Edward, delighted at finally capturing his older brother's attention, turned quickly on his heels and padded out of the room gesturing at Emmett to follow him. He quickly pushed his hair off of his face as he made his way down the hall, pausing at the banister of the stairwell he turned back towards Emmett, his eyes nearly glowing with excitement.

Once Emmett reached him, Edward squatted down, his face resting between the beams of the banister, Emmett followed suit. Both boys peered down into the darkness below that was their family room. The only light they could see came from the flickering candles their mother so loved to collect.

Emmett blinked and rubbed his eyes, trying to see past the darkness, finally he saw them.

"See…" Edward's boyish grin and animated eyes made Emmett bite back his sigh.

"Yeah Eddie…I see them. There's Mom and Dad." He gently ruffled Edward's mop of hair.

"They're dancing…" Edward turned away from Emmett and pressed his face once again through the banister rails.

"Yes, they're dancing…you see today is their wedding anniversary…they're celebrating."

"Because they got married?" Edward's small voice and wide eyes full of awe made Emmett chuckle.

"Yeah because they got married…" he nodded quickly at his younger brother trying to remember what it was like to be five years old and full of wonder at life.

"I'm gonna get married too…" Edward's green eyes were filled with a determination that Emmett could only remember seeing during Edward's piano lessons with Ms. Young their teacher, "I'm gonna marry Mama…"

Emmett suppressed his laughter at his brother's words and began pulling Edward back to his room, "You can't marry Mama…she's already married…to Dad."

Edward frowned unhappily pondering his brother's words, he gave one last look at the figures dancing below before turning his head away and following his older brother back down the hall.

"Well then who am I gonna marry Emmett?"

"You'll find someone…" Emmett pulled back the covers to Edward's bed, gesturing him to jump in.

"Like Mama?" Edward's voice was filled with sleep as the young boy burrowed under his covers fighting to keep his eyes open just a little bit longer.

"Yeah…like Mama. Now go to sleep Eddie…" Emmett tucked the covers under his brother's chin.

"Emmett…" the young boy murmured drowsily.

"What is it Eddie?"

"How am I gonna know when I find her?" his voice dropped to a soft, sleepy whisper.

"I don't know Eddie…Dad always said he knew…he said the second he laid eyes on Mama…he just knew…"

* * *

"And how long have you been having these dreams Mr. Cullen?" Seth looked up from his notepad at the sullen, brooding man in front of him.

The man didn't answer; he was deep in thought. He sat rigidly in his seat, his head bent down, arms crossed in front of him. His eyes held a glazed look, a look of a man who perhaps hadn't slept in a while, or eaten anything of substance. The gaunt hallow of his cheeks reminded Seth of a man near death, and he shivered mentally inside before trying again.

"Mr. Cullen?" Seth paused, placing his pen down on top of the notepad, "Just how long have you been having these dreams?"

The man didn't move, and Seth thought that he still hadn't heard him, he was about to ask one more time when finally he saw the man's eyes blink twice as if he were processing the question.

When a set of piercing green eyes were finally raised to his, Seth could finally see…that inside that shell once lived a man of happiness…a man of joy…a man of hope…but something had destroyed that, and Seth didn't know what. All he knew was that this man had come to him for help, and he was going to do everything in his power to help him…

* * *

Dreams? Was that all they were? Just dreams? I didn't know how long I had been having these dreams…it seemed like my whole fucking life was just a dream, and I couldn't even begin to explain how it was haunting me, eating at me, making me hate myself and everyone around me.

I blinked slowly trying to collect my thoughts before answering Dr. Clearwater. Finally I raised my eyes to his. The look on his face was clearly filled with concern, but I could see the fear too. It was the fear that I saw in so many eyes that made me start seeing Dr. Clearwater. They would all look at me with that same wide eyed alarmed look, making me feel like a failure. Some of them tried to talk to me, tried to get me to talk to them, but I managed to ignore them all, all of them except for Jazz. He was the one who nearly tossed me on my ass and threatened for me to either straighten up or get the hell out of all of their lives because they couldn't take watching me fucking kill myself anymore.

"The dreams…about six months now…I've been having them." My voice was ragged and raw, and sounded hollow to my own ears.

"I see…" Dr. Clearwater jotted something down on his notebook before glancing back up at me, "And you say when you wake up from these dreams you feel like you can't breathe?"

I nodded quickly without looking at him, not telling him that when I woke up from these dreams it felt like a fucking monster was sitting on my chest, pressing down on me with hollow, greedy eyes, making me gasp out loud for air. I didn't tell him that I would jolt upright in bed with tears streaming down my face and an ache in my heart so bad that I couldn't go back to sleep no matter how hard I tried.

"And you're currently taking Serax?" Dr. Clearwater brought his pen up to his temple and scratched it briefly.

"Yes."

"Okay then…Why don't we try Ambien to help get you a good night's sleep, I'm going to prescribe you Ambien along with your Serax and when you come in next week you can let me know how it works out for you." Dr. Clearwater scribbled something down on his notepad briefly.

"Sure…thanks Dr. Clearwater." I placed both my hands on the arm rests of the chair, pushing myself up, I was glad to be out of there.

Dr. Clearwater placed his notebook down on his desk and leaned forward, frowning slightly.

"Mr. Cullen, you realize that sooner or later you are going to have to talk about it."

My head shot up towards Dr. Clearwater and my hands gripped the armrest tightly. I didn't answer him; I wasn't ready to talk about it yet.

"And you haven't told me anything about your wife…" Dr. Clearwater watched me quietly with sympathetic eyes. They walls suddenly felt like they were closing in all around me. My eyes darted frantically from the window to the door, looking for an escape. I was tired Dr. Clearwater's look…tired of being in that office…I needed to get out of there now.

"My wife still lives here in Forks with my son." I could feel my heart hammering in my chest at the thought of Bella and Charlie.

"When was the last time you saw your son, Mr. Cullen?" Dr. Clearwater could tell I was getting ready to bolt.

I was already turning away from him…towards the door, trying to get out of there as fast as I could. My mouth was dry…so so dry…thirsting for what I had been craving every day and every night…every hour of every day…the struggle was enormous…the burden never-ending…

"The day he came out of the hospital…" I choked out, swinging the door wide open, "Before Bella said I couldn't go there anymore…"

And with that I was gone…heading down the hall past the receptionist who only glanced up at me with a disinterested frown before looking back down at her computer screen.

The cold winter air swirled all around me, but I hardly felt it. I didn't feel much of anything these days. Everyone I passed on the sidewalk was all bundled up in their overcoats and scarves, giving my tee shirt and jeans, looks of incredulity and a few of disgust.

I knew I must have looked like shit and I rubbed my hand against my jaw feeling the stubble rub roughly against my hand. I hadn't shaved in weeks and couldn't remember the last time I had changed my clothes.

I shoved my hands into my jeans pockets and walked briskly the few blocks to my apartment.

"Hey buddy…got a smoke?" One of the bums who often camped out along the wall of my apartment building held out his hand to me. I lived on the poorer side of Forks, the part no one really ever talked about. The only thing around here was a few old liquor stores, a tire shop that was closed down, and my apartment building.

"Not today…sorry." I gave him a quick shrug before twisting the key into the rusted gate that surrounded the place.

I'm not sure what the fuck the gate was for because the average person definitely would want to be locked on the outside of the gate, not the inside. Bags of garbage leaned raggedly outside of doorways, often ripped apart by the wild cats that lived on the grounds. Broken beer bottles were strewn along the brown grass, and somebody's old stove that had been tossed carelessly on its side right near one of the pine trees was now the home to a family of squirrels.

Once inside my apartment I threw myself onto the old, secondhand sofa that Jazz and Alice had given to me nearly a year ago. I struggled with myself, forcing myself to breathe in the stale air, trying to get my mind off of what I craved.

I stared at the ceiling, letting my eyes follow the wavy grey lines that ran in parallels across the plaster, trying to think of something to distract me.

Bella…my mind always went back to the same thing…Bella. She had been Alice's roommate. Jazz had dragged me across campus back when we were in college to show me this girl he had a crush on.

Two girls chatted happily sitting on a cement bench near the student union, their backpacks resting at their feet.

I felt like a damn stalker lurking behind this huge tree with Jazz hanging over my shoulder so that he could spy on Alice. He pointed to this petite, black haired girl in skin tight jeans and bright red sweater. She was smiling and bouncing around in her seat, her hands flying around her face as she talked. I could see why Jazz was attracted to her; he was always drawn to the cute, bubbly types, complete opposite of his own shy, quiet nature.

The girl sitting next to her was smiling and nodding her head in agreement but I could tell she wasn't really paying attention. Her eyes were focused above Alice's head, gazing out into the distance as if she were daydreaming, the sun was making her eyes sparkle and her long brown hair glistened as she ran her fingers through it.

I began to tune out Jazz's continuous praise of Alice's form, and focused my attention on the girl by her side.

"Jazz…" I jabbed him with my elbow, causing him to pause midsentence, "Who's the girl next to Alice?"

"What girl?" Jazz didn't take his eyes off of Alice, fucking bastard didn't even blink.

"There's a girl next to Alice, idiot…" Scowling, I turned to face him, "Who is she?"

"Oh…her…" Jazz finally took a breath, "That's Alice's roommate, Isabella or something." He waved his hand absentmindedly, "She works over at the coffee shop across campus."

I remained silent, studying the girl on the bench; she turned suddenly looking in our direction as if she could sense somebody was looking at her, lifting her hand to shield her eyes from the sun. I didn't move from my spot, not sure if I wanted to be discovered or remain anonymous for the time being. She blinked a few times and then turned back to Alice.

"Come on Jazz, I have to get to class." I turned away from the tree and began heading away from the girls and their cement bench. Jazz reluctantly followed suit, hitching his backpack up on his arm.

"You wanna have lunch after class?" he asked, giving Alice one last glance over his shoulder.

I shook my head, "Nah…but I think I am really going to need a cup of coffee though…"

The shrill of the phone jerked me out of my thoughts and I bolted upright from the sofa at the sound. I stared at the phone as it shrilled again, not even bothering reaching for it. My answering machine picked up after the fourth ring.

"This is Dr. Clearwater's office calling to remind Mr. Cullen that he has an appointment tomorrow at four."

I sighed and tuned out the rest of the message. I was required to see Dr. Clearwater three days a week and I knew that if I ever wanted my wife and son back again I would have to follow through. I couldn't lose Bella or my son…they were my whole life…a life I almost lost…but I was going to get them back…or die trying…

I pushed myself off the sofa and headed for the bathroom forcing myself to turn on the shower and peel off my clothes.

The guy at the center always said the first few months are the hardest and he wasn't fucking kidding. I let the hot water run over my bare torso trying to remember the last time I really felt alive. I had a life once…I could find it again…I promised myself that. I stared at my toes watching the soapy water puddle around my feet. I knew exactly when my life had fallen apart, and despite everyone's efforts to help, the downward spiral had continued. No one could figure out why I had shut myself away, not even Bella. Only I knew why…and it still haunted me.

I scrubbed my body harder as if I could scrub away all the ache and despair that surrounded me. The only thing that kept me going right now was Bella and my son…so I would do this for them…it would always be for them…

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed the sneak peek. There is so much more to come. Drop me a review if you liked it so far. :)**

**Thanks so much!**

**MBella**


	2. Gravity

**Hi and welcome back! Hope you all have been doing well. Many thanks to all of you who have added this story to your favorites. I am so humbled by your response. :)**

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter 2 **

**Gravity**

* * *

_It washes over you, dragging you down, not letting you breathe. Pulling on everything… and you struggle…try to break to the surface, sometimes catching a quick gasp of air, but mostly you sink…deeper…wondering if this might be the last breath you take. And it crushes you, tries to destroy you…_

* * *

"Mine's gonna be bigger than yours Emmett!"

The hot sun beat down on the white, sandy beach as Edward carried his blue, plastic bucket full of thick, wet, sand over to where the boys were creating sandcastles.

"No way Eddie. I got you beat, sorry." Emmett chuckled, not bothering to look up from his intricate task of creating large peaks at the top of his castle.

"It is too gonna be bigger than yours…you just watch…" Edward huffed, his small voice full of determination.

Emmett finally looked up at his younger brother's sand castle, it was lopsided to say the least, and nearly falling apart, but Edward looked upon it fondly, his smile full of pride. Emmett looked down once again to his own castle, it was smooth and neat, he had even used a few twigs to create a makeshift bridge connecting the two pillars together. He listened once again to his little brother's huffs, and watched Edward's small hands pile the wet sand higher and higher, tiny granules of sand stuck to his wrists and elbows.

Giving an internal sigh, Emmett glance down at his own hands, giving his castle one last look before bringing his palm up, leaning over awkwardly, and smashing it down onto his own castle.

"Opps!" he feigned surprise, he looked down at the remains of his creation before giving his little brother an exaggerated sigh, "Looks like you were right little brother…"

Edward looked up quickly, his small smile turning into a huge grin. "See…I told you mine was gonna be bigger."

"Yeah…" Emmett grinned back, "You were right Eddie."

Just then the laughing shout from their mother jerked both boys to attention. She ran past them, her hair flowing behind her in a brown blur as she sprang over the boys trying to get away from their father who was teasing her, threatening to toss her into the waves.

She squealed when he caught her and scooped her up in his arms, she hung on tightly to his neck and buried her face in his chest. She begged him not to throw her in, her laughter still heard in her voice.

Edward blinked twice and grinned at them, "Throw her in Dad!" he cheered.

"Yeah, throw her in." Emmett laughed along.

But their dad didn't toss his wife in the water, he wouldn't ever, he merely spun his wife around and around in his arms and placed her back down gently on the sand, kissing the top of her head at the same time. They both stood still for a moment, enjoying the embrace, until finally Edward's mom broke away and pulling his dad behind her back to the oversized blanket they had lying on the sand.

Edward stared at them for a long minute before turning to Emmett, disappointedly, "He should have thrown her in."

"No way Eddie, if dad had thrown her in, there would be hell to pay." Emmett laughed, shaking his head at his brother.

"He can just say sorry afterwards." Edward shrugged, shielding his eyes from the sun, watching his parent's infatuation with one another.

"If you want to impress a girl, you can't just tell her _sorry_…you have to mean it, make her believe in you." Emmett began to pick at the sand by his knees.

"How do you do that?" Edward swatted at a lone fly buzzing around his head, he thought the whole idea of impressing a girl was just ridiculous, he wouldn't ever want to impress a girl, girls were yucky.

"You have to make her laugh…make her think she is beautiful…make her feel perfect… tell her that nothing would ever be more important to you, than her."

Edward wrinkled his nose at his brother's words, "But Emmett…there are lots of things more important than girls."

Emmett laughed again, settling down on his back in the warm sand, and wriggling his toes. "You just wait Eddie…just wait."

Edward stayed quiet for a few moments, then he shook his head and went back to work on his castle. It looked like it was missing something; his smile turned into a frown as he pondered it for a minute and finally decided that his castle was perfect just the way it was…

* * *

My hands trembled uncontrollably as I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. Tiny beads of sweat prickled along my forehead, and my eyes, which were usually a warm green, were almost black. With each passing day I could see myself getting closer and closer to failure and destruction. My head pounded furiously while my stomach turned.

Every single morning started out this way and today it nearly drove me to the edge. I splashed cold water over my face, trying to shake the feeling. It didn't help…nothing ever helped. I knew what my body craved…what it needed to be sated. I struggled with myself, tried to keep in control.

I pushed away from the sink and walked over to the dilapidated kitchen. It was gloomy and dark, the walls a faded, grey color, and what probably used to be warm, honey colored cabinets were now just a black, greasy mess, left behind by the previous tenants.

I headed for the rusted, off white refrigerator, and opened it warily, it let out this terrible screetching sound as the hinges rubbed against each other, and I winced involuntarily. I was going to force myself to eat something, I didn't want to, but that was part of the rules. Even if I had no appetite, I still had to make myself eat.

Throwing two pieces of bread into the toaster, I turned my head away as my stomach lurched from the smell. I shut my eyes tightly, tilting my head toward the ceiling, trying to keep it together. My hands gripped the counter firmly, and I leaned forward, resting my upper body on the cold tiles.

This was my life…every single day…and I was getting tired of it. A flash of bright glass caught my attention as I opened my eyes. There nestled behind some old, dirty pots and pans, was a glimmering amber bottle. It was only half full, but my eyes locked onto it as if it were gold. And it was…it was liquid gold. I could see the succulent fluid pulling me in, the light glimmered off of it in a thousand rays, burning into my soul.

My trembling fingers flexed against the counter, itching to reach out and capture the victory that I knew would taste so sweet. My body fought against the pressure and force beckoning it, luring it. I could smell the burn of the toast as it popped up, and my stomach turned again.

I spun around in a fit of panic, grabbing the nearest thing I could find, my fingers closed around the handle of the glass coffee carafe resting under the coffee maker. I flung it as hard as I could across the counter. It hit the pans in an ear splitting smash, sending shreds of glass exploding upward, falling all around me in a menacing shower.

I sunk down to my knees, not feeling the shreds of glass sticking to my palms, prickling them, causing tiny dots of red to break out onto my skin. The liquid gold trickled into tiny rivers through the grooves of the linoleum, puddling near the wooden base of the table.

I breathed in a deep breath, hugging my knees close to my body. I shut my eyes and rocked slowly back and forth, my head begging my body to get well. I forced my mind to remember a time when my life was my own, and my heart full and happy. Images of the first time I met Bella flashed through my brain, and when my hands trembled no more, I slowly opened my eyes.

I had won this round…it hadn't pulled me in, but the battle was just beginning…

* * *

"She always hangs out here." Jazz had pulled me across the quad in his desperation to get a closer look at Alice. Our English Lit class was finally over and we had the rest of the afternoon free.

"This is where her friend works, right?" I pulled my arm out of Jazz's grip and kept walking towards the small building. The flashing neon coffee sign blinked at me, encouraging me to walk through those brightly painted doors.

"Yeah, she's the waitress...that's why Alice is always here."

I wasn't listening to Jazz any longer, the smell of fresh coffee drifted through the air, along with the faint scents of cinnamon and chocolate. I could see all the baked goods lined up in neat rows behind the large glass cases. Small round wooden tables were scattered around the far end of the room, and cozy leather sofas were nestled right near the windows. A few empty, large stools sat along the wall.

My eyes searched rapidly for her but didn't find her. Jazz headed for one of the tables, his backpack in hand. It didn't surprise me to see Alice sitting at the table next to him, engrossed in a book. She didn't even look up when Jazz made all kinds of fucking racket, scraping the chair against the wooden floor as he pulled it back. I plopped down on the seat next to him, watching him with bored amusement. It was rare to see Jazz all shook up and not in his element.

He deliberately flung his backpack down by his side so that it settled right in between him and Alice, closer to Alice than him. He made a great production of leaning over and rummaging through it, searching for an imaginary object. He pulled out his iPod, his elbow jabbing against Alice's leg. Alice finally lowered her book and glanced over at Jazz with a small frown.

"My apologies ma'am," he said in his best southern accent. "I hope I didn't harm you."

Alice's eyes widened at the sound of his voice, and I could tell just by the way she shifted her body that Jazz really had a shot at this. Trying to stifle a smirk, I looked down at my fingers, absentmindedly tapping out a few piano keys, as Alice accepted his apology.

"Welcome to The Coffee House, what can I get you?" I jerked my head up, looking into the most beautiful brown eyes I had ever seen. She wasn't looking at me; her eyes were on the small white notepad she was holding; her fingers gripping a gold pen. She had her hair pined back against her head in this large, black clip, making me wonder what it would look like down around her face. I was at a loss for words, just staring up at her, probably like an idiot.

She glanced up at me when I didn't respond to her, raising her eyebrows in question. Jazz hadn't even turned his head in her direction, he was busy with Alice, talking about the music on his iPod, I think. I struggled with myself, trying to think of something witty to say.

I stared at her for a long minute before muttering, "Well, um…what do you have?" _Smooth…real smooth, Cullen._

Her eyes twinkled and I could see that she bit back a snort or something, "Well…" she began with a small smile on her lips, "We have coffee…and more coffee…and that's about it, unless you're hungry? You could get a muffin, or a cookie."

"I'll have the coffee." I offered her a sheepish smile.

"Excellent," she smiled back before scribbling something onto her notepad, "And your friend?" she glanced up at Jazz.

"He'll have the same." I didn't even bother with asking him.

"Sure thing." She tucked the notepad into the back pocket of her jeans. I could see it now, her nametag, the small black letters sprung out at me.

"Thank you…Isabella." I looked up into those beautiful eyes again.

She blinked at me, startled for a second, before collecting her thoughts and giving me a half smile, "You're welcome…and it's Bella…everyone calls me Bella."

"Oh… well…thank you, _Bella_."

"No problem."

I watched her walk away from me, my heart hammering wildly in my chest. She was beyond beautiful, the most stunning creature I had ever seen, and it nearly overwhelmed me. Jazz and Alice's voice drifted across my senses.

"Most people don't realize the vast impact music has on our everyday mental, physical, and spiritual health, it really pulls us in…" Jazz was droning on and on, but the funny part was that Alice was hanging onto his every word, her head propped up on her hand, and her eyes never left his face.

I looked back down at my fingers, they played a few retrospective chords against the wooden table, what had Emmett told me to do…to say… when I wanted to impress a girl? I racked my brain trying to remember, getting frustrated with myself when I couldn't. I never wanted to impress a girl so badly before, I never really had to, girls had always flocked to me in high school. Despite my reserved disposition and even brooding temperament at times, the girls still came around. Emmett thought it was a hoot and often teased me endlessly about it, urging me to go out with as many as I could. Jazz thought it was disgusting and told me to just pick one of them to settle down with.

I ignored both of them and kept to myself, never dating a girl more than a few times, never getting serious with any of them. I spent most of my free time in the band room, hidden away in the corner, my fingers flying over the piano as I played song after song. Sometimes I would get bored of the same old thing and pick up the wooden guitar that no one ever touched, they all fought over the electric guitars, leaving the wooden one tossed carelessly behind the piano.

The guitar was old but made of Spruce, though it was not as pretty as maple guitars, I knew this guitar was the "top" of flat top acoustic guitars. You see, spruce is light and has a tight grain. This enables the wood to vibrate much like a speaker cone. Better yet, as the guitar ages, the sap hidden in the grain of spruce gradually dries and crystallizes, further accentuating the bright, resonant quality of the wood.

Whenever I held that guitar in my hands it seemed as if the music just flowed right out of me. The notes soared high and low around the room, drifting and swirling in a lazy, whimsical lure. One time the band teacher walked in on me as I was playing and literally begged me to join the band, but I never did…

"Here you go…two coffees."

I could smell the beautiful, floral, freesia scent of Bella's hair as she leaned next to me and placed two cups on the table.

Before I could open my mouth to thank her, she placed a small white, wax bag next to my cup, "And a cookie…" she winked, smiling, "It's on the house."

My eyes shifted down to the wax bag and then back up to her face in wonderment. I couldn't believe how excited I was over a fucking cookie. I mean _a cookie? What was I? Five?_

"Thank you." I desperately wanted to keep talking to her, but I didn't know what else to say.

"You're welcome…we give the cookies out to everyone their first time here at The Coffee House, it keeps the customers coming back for more." She grinned at me as my heart sank a little. It was part of her job, to give out the cookies; I was just a regular customer to her.

"My shift is over in five, I'll see you up front?" her voice got all light and airy, my heart jumped, and I jerked my head up at her in surprise.

"Yeah, I'm almost done here."

My head jerked back over to Alice as she answered Bella's question, Alice was looking right past me, and over to Bella. I realized they were making plans to meet up.

Bella gave Alice a quick nod and with a small smile, she walked away from us. I stared down at my coffee and cookie dejectedly, as Alice exchanged her phone number with Jazz. Shoving her cell phone in her back pocket, she rose and grabbed her bag, slinging it around her arm. She squeezed past Jazz, and came around the back of my chair.

"Just so you know…" she said in a low voice, her hands rested on my shoulders, "Bella _does not_ give cookies out to _just anyone_," she giggled, "In fact, you're the _only one_…" She gave my shoulders a quick squeeze and headed over to where the large stools rested.

I looked down at my cookie with renewed fondness, a smile sneaking over my face. Jazz snickered at my reaction, grabbing his coffee, "Hey, where's my cookie?" He complained, but I wasn't listening to him. A beautiful melody suddenly filled the room with its soft notes and graceful aria.

When I heard her voice…singing…it washed over me heavily, its force and timbre invaded my mind, making me dizzy with want. Her words swirled and floated around me in quiet whispers.

Bella looked relaxed and right at home, perched upon one of the stools, a beautiful wooden Roger McGuinn 12-string guitar was being stroked by her fingertips. She had let her hair loose and it fell in soft waves all around her shoulders. Her eyes were bright and shining as she sung, making me unable to catch my breath, unable to move.

That's when I finally understood what Emmett had been telling me all along. Nothing would ever be more important to me…than her…

* * *

The horrific sounds of screams filled the night air. I could see the metal being twisted in all directions, collapsing under the force like a toothpick broken in half. Sparks and flames shot upward towards the heavens. The smell of burned rubber made me want to hold my breath. I kept running…trying to reach it before it was too late. I could see the people huddling together on the sidewalk, terror written across their faces, gasping and pointing.

Sirens grew louder and louder, drowning out the rapid beating of my heart. Still…I kept running…as long as I kept running I would make it…I wouldn't fail this time.

But no matter how hard I tried…it was always just out of my reach. I extended my arm, straining with all my might, it was only inches away. I could see those haunted, frightened eyes looking back at me, warning me to stay away, only I couldn't…I would keep fighting…until the orange flickering flames were all around me, and I couldn't see the eyes anymore.

It crushed me like a thousand deaths, jerking me upright in bed. I was drenched in sweat, gasping for air. My eyes searched wildly around me in the darkness, I could almost still smell the awful burn, feel the heat of the fire.

I clenched my eyes shut, trying to block out the madness. I fell against my pillows once more, taking in large gulps of air, until my breathing leveled out. I willed my brain to think of something else…of a time before these nightmares. And I thought of Bella…I always thought of Bella. She would be at the park with Charlie tomorrow afternoon, as she always was, and even though they never saw me there, I was always with them, watching, waiting…for the time that we would be together again…hoping and praying that it would happen…soon…

* * *

**Thanks again for everyone who has reviewed and rec my fic around to others. I really appreciate it! **

**Chapter 3 Clocks should be up soon!**

**Catch you later!**

**MBella**


	3. Clocks

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**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I do not.**

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter 3 Clocks**

**.../**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/  
**

_Everyone says time changes everything, but there are points in life where time changes nothing. I was still living in this void, bleak…meaningless…dark world and despite everyone's best efforts, nothing had changed…_

When I was nine I had a crush on my fourth grade teacher Ms. Weber. She was the best teacher in the whole school. She would always wear these pretty dresses that flowed around her knees, and put her hair up in this neat bun.

I was always excited to go to school in the mornings just to see her. On my tenth birthday Ms. Weber made a huge fuss over me the entire day. She let me wear a big button she made that said Happy Birthday. I got to be first in line for every recess, and lead the class to the cafeteria during lunch. Near the end of the day she gave me a super cool eraser in the shape of a race car. I was over the moon that day and couldn't wait to show Emmett when I got home.

"Look what Ms. Weber gave me!" I burst through my front door and tore through the house running around the back of the sofa over to Emmett. He was sitting on the floor in front of the TV playing video games with two of his buddies. They were all Sophomores in high school and part of the basketball team, girls were always calling them or coming over, I don't know why Emmett like to hang out with them, they thought they were so cool.

Both Emmett's friends rolled their eyes at me, but Emmett put down his game control and smiled up at me, "What did you get Eddie?"

"This!" I held out my hand to Emmett, the race car eraser lay proudly in the palm of my hand.

Emmett picked up the eraser carefully, turning it over and inspecting it with a twinkle in his eye. "Whoa, this is pretty nice Eddie. Ms. Weber must really like you."

I beamed at him, ignoring his buddies' snickers in the background. Emmett turned his head slightly and gave a warning frown to his friends; he turned back to me and placed the eraser back in my hand, giving me a warm smile. "Do you want to play a couple of rounds with us?"

I shook my head at him, wrinkling my nose. "Nah…I have to go get ready for my piano lesson."

"But Ms. Young isn't coming over for another two hours yet." Emmet glanced over at the clock and back to me in disbelief.

"I have to finish my homework first…" I was already turning away from him, my eraser clasped tightly in my closed fist. "Ms. Weber said we have to finish our math facts before Friday."

Emmett gave out a small chuckle, "Well, I guess you can't keep Ms. Weber waiting then…"

By the time Ms. Young arrived I had finished my math facts _and_ the extra credit paper Ms. Weber had given us. I used my new pack of markers to create this detailed, pretty, thank you card for her. I was really looking forward to going to school the next day.

I had no idea that would be the day my boyish fantasy would be crushed. Ms. Weber looked especially lovely that day. She had these glittery, sparkly bangles on her wrist that made tiny clinking sounds whenever she wrote on the whiteboard. Right before the final bell rang I took out my homemade card, clutching it in my hands nervously, trying to keep it hidden from the other kids so that they wouldn't tease me.

My eyes were on the clock, watching the second hand jump from dot to dot, willing it to go a little faster. I didn't notice the figure that suddenly appeared in the doorway, or the quiet giggles from the class as Ms. Weber jumped up from her desk, her cheeks looking just a little pinker than usual.

"Oh class! We have a guest. There is someone I would like you to meet." Ms. Weber was walking towards our door, and I twisted my head around to see who everyone was looking at.

She gave the guest this great big smile and held out her hand to him, pulling him over to the front of the classroom. My reading partner and neighbor, Lauren, put her hand over her mouth and giggled loudly, I had this incredible urge to reach over and pull her hair.

"Everyone, I would like you to meet my friend Mr. Cheney. Can you all say hi to Mr. Cheney?"

I glared at the front of the room, as the rest of the class chanted, "Hi Mr. Cheney!" Mr. Cheney didn't look like he was just Ms. Weber's _friend_, he was too tall, and too good looking, plus he was holding her hand.

"Mr. Cheney and I are getting married in June." Ms. Weber lifted up her left hand to show us this dainty diamond ring that I had never noticed before. Everyone started cheering and clapping and I felt my heart do this funny flip flop, and droop to my knees.

As quick as I could, I shoved my card back into my desk; not caring that is was getting all bent and torn as I forced it past my books and folders.

The walk home felt like the longest trek ever, I kept my head down the entire way, kicking at all the rocks and leaves in my path. Emmett was outside playing basketball in our driveway when I reached our house. He was huffing and puffing, trying to do all these fancy moves with the ball before he sunk it into the basket. I didn't even say hi, just kept walking past him up the steps to our front door.

"Hey Eddie! Want to shoot some hoops?" Emmett kept dribbling the ball all while staring at me. The _whack whack whack_ of the ball hitting the cement annoyed me, and I frowned at him shaking my head.

"What's wrong Eddie?" He took a couple of steps towards me, tilting his head to the side.

"Nothing. I have to go do my homework." I tried not to pout, but I don't think I was doing a very good job.

"Did the _beautifu_l Ms. Weber give you a lot of homework today?" Emmett winked at me. I wanted to throw my backpack at him.

"No. And don't call her beautiful, she's not beautiful, she's…she's…" I frowned again at him trying to think of what word to say, "She's_ ugly_!" and I immediately regretted it, Ms. Weber was not ugly, she _was _beautiful, and it just added to my frustration.

Emmett raised his eyebrows at me, the basketball forgotten and rolling away from him down the driveway, stopping at the edge of our grass. "What's wrong? What happened? Come on, tell me." Emmett was walking towards me, a look of concern written all over his face.

I sunk down onto the steps, flinging my backpack down by my feet. "Ms. Weber…" I began as Emmett settled down next to me, "She brought some guy to class today. They're getting married."

"Oh." Emmett's voice was strangely low and quiet.

"He's really tall Emmett, and _old_…he was holding her hand…his name is _Ben_." I wrinkled my nose sarcastically.

Emmett gave me this half smile before shaking his head. "Sorry little brother, but you know…" he paused, picking up a tiny rock in his hands and looking over at me, "Ms. Weber, she's not the girl for you."

I just stared at him, still mad, not really wanting to argue with him that Ms. Weber was the perfect woman for me.

"You see Eddie…You're still a little young for girls like Ms. Weber. You need to give yourself some time…grow up a little more…pretty soon you'll be old enough to date anyone you want, even girls _prettier_ than Ms. Weber…"

I kept staring at the rock in his hand, trying to process his words. What did Emmett mean I could date anyone I want? Was there some kind of wondrous age that once you reached it, girls magically would be yours? Besides, there was no one _prettier_ than Ms. Weber, I mean sometimes Lauren would come to school with her hair all curly and pink ribbons flowing all through it, and I thought it was pretty, but she was no Ms. Weber.

"Hu?" I shrugged at him.

Emmett threw his big old arm around my shoulders and gave me a little shake, "Come on, let's go over to the Dairy Queen and get some ice cream before dinner. My treat."

I could feel my mouth turning up a little bit and nodded my head.

"And then after your piano lesson we'll play some hoops, I'll show you how sink a shot that'll impress any girl. Who cares about Ms. Weber, you'll have tons of girls falling all over you." He winked at me.

I just grinned at him, "Like Ms. Weber?" I asked.

Emmett chuckled loudly, "Yeah…like Ms. Weber…"

**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**

"Mr. Cullen…your sponsor said you missed the last two meetings at the center. Is this correct?"

I sat dejectedly in Dr. Clearwater's small office staring out past him to the window, watching all the cars whiz by. They all seemed to be in such a rush, not realizing that time was just passing them by, and in their hurry, they were missing out on all that was truly important.

The second hand on his big, round clock moved languidly…slowing down on purpose, trying to spite me whenever I was in his office.

I didn't want to answer Dr. Clearwater. I _knew_ I missed those two meetings, I _knew_ I would suffer the consequences. I just didn't want to do it today.

"Mr. Cullen?" Dr. Clearwater set down his clipboard and stared at me, waiting for me to answer. He had figured me out weeks ago, that as long as he was patient and didn't piss me off, I would answer him eventually.

"I just didn't feel like going." I ran my hand through my hair, still staring out the window. I didn't tell him _why_ I didn't feel like going.

"I see. And did you give Laurent notice that you would be absent?" Dr. Clearwater didn't shift his gaze off my face, it was making me uncomfortable.

"No."

"Is there any particular reason why you didn't attend?" he began tapping his foot against the wooden leg of his desk. The noise felt so loud in my ears.

"No." I was getting annoyed now, the tapping…the cars whizzing by…the damn clock moving so slowly and ticking so loudly…

"Are you sure Mr. Cullen? No reason? Nothing at all?"

"I already said it was nothing!" I leaned forward in my seat, my fingers closing around the arms of the chair in a steadfast grip. I could feel the slow burn that always started in my stomach, begin to rise throughout my body.

Dr. Clearwater didn't even flinch, "And how are you sleeping now?" He grabbed his clipboard again and began jotting down some comments with his silver pen.

"Fine."

"No more nightmares?" He gave me a quick glance, pausing from his writing.

"None." I lied.

He wrote a couple more things down and then finally giving out a small sigh, he lifted his head, his eyes locking to mine. "Mr. Cullen, we've already talked about this. I can't help you, if you won't let me."

I said nothing, remaining silent. I knew he was right, my brain told me he was right, but my heart wouldn't give away all its secrets, not just yet.

"Laurent tells me he is willing to reschedule your two missed meetings…" Dr. Clearwater's voice grew firmer and louder as he spoke. "But, you have to make both of them up before the week is over. You also have to come back here on Friday, and be willing to talk about why you feel you don't have to attend your meetings."

I gave him a quick nod, rising from my chair. Maybe on Friday I would tell him what I had seen at the park, what made me so angry and wild that I holed myself up in my apartment for four days straight.

"Mr. Cullen…you haven't been drinking have you?"

I whipped my head around towards Dr. Clearwater in alarm. Just hearing him say those words out loud made my heart stop. It felt like the world slowed down as I opened my mouth to say something, to deny his accusation, but I couldn't move.

"Because if you are…" Dr. Clearwater shifted in his seat, not taking his eyes off me. "You need to tell me, I can always up the dose of Serax for you. It takes the edge off."

I lowered my gaze to floor and slowly shook my head no. I didn't need any more fucking medicine. The Serax did nothing for me except make me nauseated and lazy. Besides no medicine in the world could help heal the hole I carried in my heart.

Before Dr. Clearwater could utter another word I bolted out of his office, half walking, half jogging down the wide sidewalk, trying to put as much distance between us in the least amount of time. The buildings were just a blur as I made my way through the people loitering along the path.

I cringed when I passed by the park, avoiding looking at the wooden benches by the playground. I didn't want my mind to conjure up the image I had seen last week. Shoving my hands in my pockets, I briskly walked by, keeping my eyes down.

It was the sound of kids laughing and singing that made me look up again. I could see a small group of them holding hands, forming this circle on the grass. They were singing, their sweet childish voices bobbing through the air around me. My feet froze when I saw a pretty girl holding a guitar in her hands, strumming in tune to the music being sung.

I had to look twice before I realized that it wasn't Bella singing to the kids, but another young girl, probably their babysitter or something.

I watched them for a second, until I could feel the ache in my heart reminding me of what I had lost, and I turned away from them and kept walking.

It took me two weeks of following Bella around campus after our meeting in the Coffee House before I got the courage to talk to her again. In fact the first time we actually talked wasn't in the Coffee House at all, but near the music building. After seeing her play the guitar, I figured a girl that talented would hang around the music department during her free time.

I was right.

I found Bella sitting by herself in one of the sound proof rooms holding that same Roger McGuinn guitar in her hands. Her hair flowing down her back, her eyes closed as she sang to herself. I could see her perfectly since one of the entire walls facing the hallway was made of glass.

It took me all but two minutes to frantically search the band room for an instrument to play, and I grabbed the first guitar I saw, my fingers closing over the wooden neck tightly. I thanked my lucky stars that no one was using the soundproof room across from hers, and I settled myself onto the small leather bench facing the glass wall, all while keeping my eye on her.

My fingers strummed the strings lightly, trying to get acquainted with the feel of another guitar besides my own. A few frail notes drifted around the room, the longer I stared at Bella, the stronger the notes became, until eventually a bright, bold melody danced all around me. The notes rose and swirled high around the room, falling gracefully upon my ears like a glorious rainfall.

Just when the song reached its peak Bella opened her eyes and looked right at me, her eyes were bright and admiring; almost as if she could hear the music I was playing. She sat completely still for a few seconds, her fingers frozen on her own guitar just watching me, and then, just when my song was fading away, she smiled, picking up her hand and giving me a little wave.

I'm pretty sure I grinned back at her and nearly dropped the guitar in my haste to wave back. Her mouth opened and I could tell she was laughing at me, but I didn't care, because then, she picked up her hand and gestured me over to her.

It felt like forever as I stood up, grabbing the guitar in one hand and my backpack in the other, I pulled open my door and took those three steps to her room. When I opened her door, she looked up at me and said…

"Hi! You're Edward right?"

When my name fell from her lips I knew I was hooked. I don't think anyone had ever said my name so beautifully before.

I think I just grinned again at her.

"You've been to the Coffee House right? You're friend is dating my friend, Alice. I didn't know you play." Her voice was so light and alluring; it literally guided me to her, pulling me closer as each second ticked by.

"Hey…" I finally found my voice. "Yeah, I'm Edward. It's nice to see you again Bella."

She smiled at me, all cute and shy, nodding her head, and it struck me that perhaps she was just as nervous as me.

"Is that yours?" She pointed to the guitar in my hands, my gaze lingered on her long, slender fingers…her smooth creamy skin…I wondered what it would feel like to hold her hand in mine.

"Um, no. This belongs to the band room. I just borrowed it to practice. My guitar is back at my apartment." I looked down at the guitar I held in my hands, not wanting to look her in the eyes just yet or else I knew I would start fumbling with my words like a fucking idiot.

"This is my baby." She patted her guitar affectionately, "His name is clocks."

"Clocks?" I tilted my head to the side. She giggled.

"It's a funny story really…when I turned ten I told my dad I wanted a clock for my birthday…he bought me a guitar instead…so I named it clocks…I was a weird kid."

I chuckled softly, "I don't think that's weird."

"Ah well…you don't know me very well yet…just give yourself some time…" She laughed.

And I laughed with her, hoping beyond hope, that we would have all the time in the world…

**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**

"She's gorgeous Emmett…I mean you have to see her. You need to come down to the campus and have lunch with me or something so I can show her to you…"

Emmett just laughed at me and kept dribbling the basketball. I hated playing basketball, but still did it every Friday afternoon, just to hang out with him.

Emmett lived with his girlfriend Rosalie in this small condo near the edge of town. They been together ever since they met and even though everyone, namely my parents, were pressuring them to get married; they were content to live together for the time being.

"What's her name?" Emmett spun around me smiling, and jumped up, slamming the ball into the hoop and hanging there for a second before landing on the ground next to me.

"Isabella…" I grinned, "But everyone calls her Bella."

"Bella…that's a pretty name." Emmett shot his arms out and passed me the basketball; it slammed past my grip and into my chest, nearly taking my breath away. "When are you going to see her again?" he asked.

"She asked me if I wanted to practice with her Monday after class." My words were coming out in little pants as I tried to catch my breath.

"Practice? Practice what?" Emmett gave me a sly smile raising one eyebrow at me.

"The _guitar_…" I stressed, "That's the best part…she plays the guitar…she knows how to sing too."

"Whoa. The guitar. So she's gorgeous and knows how to play." Emmett winked at me, "Maybe, little brother, after all this time, you've finally found the girl for you…"

Nights are always the worst for me. I am usually frantic once the clock reaches midnight. By then I know I won't be able to fight off sleep much longer, fight off the nightmares.

I've tried everything…reading…watching mindless TV…playing an imaginary piano or guitar. I didn't have an instrument here in this run down place. It would most likely get stolen anyways. My own guitar was back at our house, probably still propped up in its rack next to clocks. It had been years since I seen Bella play. After we got married and bought our first house I made sure all our instruments had a place to sit. We had an entire room dedicated to our music. I always thought Bella would go on to become a music teacher or a singer but she never did. She always told me her music was just for fun.

I wondered briefly if she was going to teach Charlie how to play. A new flash of pain filled my heart making me shut my eyes and sigh; I thought I was going to be the one to teach him. I _should _be the one to teach him, but I wasn't there…and until I could slay these demons that lived inside of me…I would never be there… time was just passing me by…

**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**

**See you at the next chapter, Speed of Sound.**

**MBella**


	4. Speed of Sound

**Welcome back! Sorry for the wait. I was swamped at work. **

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**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I do not.**

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter 4**

**Speed of Sound**

* * *

_How long before I get in?  
Before it starts, before I begin  
How long before you decide?  
Before I know what it feels like…_

* * *

"You're going to take her where???" Rosalie gave me a small frown before twirling her spaghetti around and around on her fork. "That's so _boring_."

I just shrugged at her trying not second guess myself. Where to take Bella on our first date had tormented me enough these last few days and I didn't need Rosalie's scowl or doubtful tone to distract me.

"Babe…" Emmett placed his hand over Rose's, giving her a warm smile. "Eddie knows what he's doing," he winked at me, "He knows Bella best. Let him take her there, it actually sounds perfect for both of them."

Rose wrinkled her nose at him before turning to me. "Well at least bring her flowers or something."

I pushed back from the table, giving both Rose and Emmett a sheepish smile. "Thanks for dinner, I better go, my English Lit essay is due tomorrow and my professor is really particular about our format."

"Essay? What are you writing it on?" Rose reached for her glass of iced tea.

"The speed of sound…" I grabbed my sweatshirt off the back of my chair, slinging it over my shoulder, "Did you know, when a sound wave hits a molecule it will vibrate, transferring the vibration to the surrounding molecules, which pass it on in the same manner. If those molecules are packed closely together, the sound wave can travel very fast, increasing the speed of sound, but if those molecules are not as close, the speed of sound slows."

"What?" both Rose and Emmet turned their heads to look at me at the same time.

I gave out a small chuckle before continuing, "I guess the best known example is fireworks. When you see fireworks, you see the explosion before you hear the sound. That's because light travels much faster than sound. So the light reaches your eyes before the sound reaches your ears."

"Oh." Rose quickly waved her hand in dismissal and rolled her eyes, turning back to her food.

"Fireworks? I never thought of that…" Emmett pondered my statement for a quick second before giving me a sly smile. "Fireworks…I bet you'll _see _some of those Friday night."

Rose let out this cynical laugh, still looking down at her plate. "And if you decide to take her _someplace else_ for your date…you might_ feel_ some of those too…"

* * *

There were a billion fucking twinkling stars in the night sky as I made my way over to Bella's dorm. The warm air swirled all around me, stirring with excitement and the hustle and bustle of a Friday night.

I was early…by ten minutes…but I knocked on her door anyways, not being able to stand the wait any longer.

The door swung wide open, and I found myself looking down at her bubbly, animated roommate Alice.

"Hi Edward!" Alice offered me wide smile, and then turned to look over her shoulder. "Bella! Edward is here!"

I opened my mouth to greet her but I couldn't even get a syllable in, Alice launched into an endless prattle…

"So…where are you guys going? Is it nice outside tonight? Chilly? Jasper is taking me dancing. How long have you two been friends? Does he like the color red? I wore my red dress…see?" she spun around, flaring her arms out. "But if he doesn't like red, I can change to my blue one. It's not as pretty as this one, but it is sleeveless…maybe he would like that even better?" She took a quick little breath and then peered at me… "Wow…Bella was right…your eyes are so green. I never noticed that before…I just love the charcoal grey jacket you're wearing…it really makes your eyes stand out…Bella said that…"

"Alice!" My ears heard Bella's silvery, smooth voice drifting across the room before I even saw her. And when she made her appearance behind Alice I had to grip the doorway for balance. She looked stunning.

"Alice." Bella placed her hand on Alice's arm all while flashing me a brilliant smile in greeting. "I found your lip gloss…I put it on your desk. You better hurry…Jasper will be here in a few minutes."

"Oh! Thank you! I've been looking for it forever!" Alice nearly skipped away, bubbling over in her excitement at finding her lost lip gloss.

"Hi Edward." Bella's voice was softer now, not quite as loud. She was still smiling at me, making my already shaky knees feel like buckling. I forced myself to take in a deep breath.

"Hi Bella. You look lovely." I was amazed that I could actually form a greeting.

"Thank you. You look pretty nice yourself. Is this dress okay? You didn't tell me where we're going." She gestured downward towards her lap, and then looked back up into my eyes.

"It's perfect." I smiled down at her, wanting to tell her that the way that shimmery blue dress hugged her body and flowed around her knees was just breathtaking, and that the tiny silver pins she had tucked in her hair made her eyes sparkle.

She smiled at me again, reaching behind her for her sweater. "I like your jacket." She giggled…

* * *

I could have driven there, but chose not to. So we walked along all the lit up shops and restaurants, looking into all the windows, watching all the couples stroll along the sidewalk along side of us. Bella's eyes danced from the stores, to the people, to the cars driving past us. Finally she looked up into my eyes and slid her arm into mine, sending a tingling jolt up my spine.

"So…tell me about yourself." She squeezed my arm. "What are you majoring in?"

"Music." I answered, trying not to let her see how rattled I was at her hand being so close to mine. I tried not to move my arm, keeping it in careful control not to let our fingers touch. "I plan to teach music one day."

"How cool…" her eyes brightened, "Your family must be very proud."

"They are." I could feel myself relax a little bit, the crowds were thinning out…we were almost there. "My parents couldn't be happier…and my brother won't stop bugging me to teach him to play the piano. He rebelled against piano lessons when we were younger, he regrets that now."

"The piano? You can play the piano too? I though you only played the guitar. I mean…that day…when I saw you practicing…you were playing the guitar."

I could hear the awe in her voice and it gave me the confidence to adjust my arm…just a little bit…so that our hands lingered right next to each other. "I can play quite a few instruments." I smiled; making sure the bragging couldn't be heard in my voice.

"Really?" she let out this admiring little breath, "I can only play the guitar…that's it…just the guitar."

_No._ I wanted to tell her, _you can sing…and your voice…is amazing. _"You play beautifully." My eyes locked onto hers. She smiled up at me in thanks, her eyes twinkling brighter than all the stars in the sky, and I battled the overwhelming urge to kiss her right there.

"Thank you." There was a change in the pitch in her voice, almost unnoticable, but clearly there.

As we rounded the corner the flashing lights of the electronic sign captured her attention. She turned her head away, her eyes flying over the blinking letters, and I watched her…how she sucked in her breath when she read where we were…how her fingers opened up and wrapped themselves around my hand…how she turned to me eagerly, bouncing on her tiptoes.

Once I felt her hand in mine…I knew…that my life was finally complete…I knew…that I would move heaven and earth for her…I knew…that I never wanted this to end.

"The symphony…" she breathed, "Is this where we're going? The symphony?"

I nodded at her, pulling the tickets out of my jacket pocket.

"Oh!" her hand tightened around my own. "I love the symphony! I've been dying to come here…I've been bugging Alice to come with me, but she never wants to."

I couldn't hold back my grin any longer. "Really?" I cocked my head to the side.

"Really, Edward. Thank you so much for bringing me here."

So we didn't lend up in this fancy restaurant…or go dancing at this gaudy dance club…or park at lovers point to make out…we went to the symphony, and sat amidst all the older couples who cast approving, affectionate glances our way, pointing us out as the only young adults in the group.

Bella held my hand the entire time, and as the music soared and spun throughout the room, I hoped that she would never let it go. We couldn't see the violinist very well but we sure could hear the _Collé _of the violin as the sound built up rapidly around us and then slowed smoothly, creating an intense, charging effect.

Each new number the conductor introduced was livelier than the last and Bella gripped my hand tighter and tighter as the night wore on. I could feel her energy flow through her, shooting straight up my arm and right to my heart.

The last few songs were slow wistful melodies, full of yearning, reaching through our souls with their low timbre. My heart throbbed with each new rhythm until I felt it would burst, and when the final number of the night ended, everyone was on their feet in a standing ovation, Bella squeezed my hand one last time before joining in on the applause.

She chatted happily on the walk back to her dorm, telling me about her parents, her youth, how she was an only child and always wished for a brother or sister…I told her about Emmett… my own youth…and as we got closer to her dorm I began to get nervous. I wanted to kiss her, but I wasn't sure if she would let me.

To be honest, every girl I had ever kissed had always leaned into me first, taking that unsure awkwardness out of my hands, but I was almost positive that Bella would never do that. She wasn't like any of those girls, she was unique…special…and I wanted to treat her as so.

We lingered for a few minutes outside her door. The hallway was empty; almost everyone was still out dancing and partying, leading the life of a true college student. Bella smiled up at me, her eyes were all lit up as she spoke.

"I had a wonderful time tonight, thank you so much for inviting me…" she was leaning against her door, one hand behind her back gripping the door knob, the other resting at her side.

I smiled at her, trying to figure out how to close the distance between us, "You're very welcome, I had a great time myself."

She stayed quiet for a minute, her eyes searching my own as if she were looking for something. Still not quite having the nerve to kiss her, I used this as an opportunity to ask her out again.

"Bella…would you like to go out again? Maybe, if you're free, we could get together for dinner, sometime in the middle of the week?"

She sort of rose on her tiptoes and flashed me another one her exquisite smiles. "I would love that."

"So I'll call you?"

"Yes…you can call me…or stop by the Coffee House, I am usually there...you can be my favorite customer…" She tilted her head to side, her hair falling over her shoulder, still staring into my eyes, "I'll save you a cookie…"

And even before the word cookie invaded my senses, both of my hands were pressed against her door on either side of her head, my body finally less than an inch away from her, my head tilted in the opposite direction as hers, my heart…captured.

Emmett was right…I felt those fireworks light up inside of me the second my lips touched hers. Her mouth felt so incredibly soft, yet so amazingly hot at the same time. I moved against her slowly, letting her feel the warmth of my lips, not forcing her to do anything more, but when I felt her hand gently slide up my chest, fisting the collar of my jacket in her fingers, I was lost…

My mouth opened to hers the same time my fingers closed around the back of her head. She let out this faint little groan as her tongue darted out to meet mine, and like the violin we had heard earlier, the emotions rose and crashed all around us, pulling us higher along its peak, and then smoothing out…leaving us floating…together…

"So green…" she murmured against me, as our kisses slowed down. "Your eyes…so green…they're beautiful…I could get lost…"

_I'm already lost_…I wanted to whisper in her ear, but all I did was pull her closer to me, breathing in her scent, reveling in the feel of her body next to mine.

And as the last few minutes of that Friday night ticked away, for the first time…I fell in love…

* * *

"Laurent was very pleased that you attended all of your meetings this week Mr. Cullen." Dr. Clearwater smiled up at me from behind his clipboard.

I actually felt like talking today…I'm not sure why…maybe it was the warm spring air that floated through the windows, or the sounds of the unseen birds chirping high above the trees.

"We're going to meet up again tomorrow." I offered, liking the effect Dr. Clearwater's approval had on my mood.

"Sounds like progress." Dr Clearwater flipped through some pages, his eyes moving silently over his own words. He placed his pen down carefully by his side. "We need to go over our last session for a few minutes. It seems you have something to tell me."

I shifted in my seat, knowing what I was going to have to say. I actually practiced it back at my apartment a few times trying to make the admission easier.

"It happened at the park…" I tried to keep my voice emotionless, looking above Dr. Clearwater's head. "What I saw…last week…happened at the park. It made me angry."

"What made you angry Mr. Cullen? What did you see at the park?" Dr. Clearwater didn't look up from his notes, which made me feel a little more comfortable.

"My son…" I looked down at my hands; the skin was rough and wrinkled. I turned them over; they looked worn, used, old…just like I was. "And my wife…they were at the park…they go there every Monday."

Dr. Clearwater still didn't look up. "Were they okay? At the park? Did anything happen to them to get you so upset?"

"Nothing happened to them…" I drew in a shaky breath, this was the hard part. "They were perfectly happy…playing…on the swings…I saw my parents with her…with my wife."

Dr. Clearwater gave me a quick glance before scribbling something down on his papers. "Your parents. I see. Did they look okay also?"

"They were fine…seemed happy to be with Charlie…they bought him a balloon and a hot dog from the vending machine…" my voice trailed off.

Dr. Clearwater remained silent…not looking up…not writing…just waiting.

"Bella looked…so happy…so relaxed…I haven't seen her that way in a long time…she was talking to my parents…smiling…I can't remember the last time I saw her smile…but I think it was because…because…" My throat tightened just thinking about it. The way her hair fell around her shoulders as she threw her head back and laughed at whatever he said to her…the way her eyes shone as she watched him push Charlie on the swings…they way they sat so close to each other on the park bench, sharing stories…they couldn't see me, but I could hear every word they said. Never once did she mention me.

They talked about all the normal things in life…their jobs…what they did that morning…some funny things Charlie had said to Bella at breakfast…and they looked completely happy together.

Their words ripped through my heart…burned right into my soul…I wanted to jump out from behind the tall trees and yell at them. Announce that I was still here…could still be a part of their lives.

"Because?" Dr. Clearwater's voice was faint, he was being cautious.

"Because there was someone else there with them…a longtime family friend…he used to play basketball with…my…brother. His name is Jake."

"I see." Again there was that neutral tone Dr. Clearwater always used when he didn't want to seem eager.

"To everyone out there at the park…they were just one big happy family…complete. Two loving parents…two loving grandparents…"

"But he isn't the parent…he is just a friend…right?"

I just shrugged.

"It made you angry?" Dr. Clearwater began writing again.

"Yes…very angry." I kept staring at my hands, looking at the tan line on my left finger where my wedding band once rested.

"Why?"

"Because she's moving on…they all are…Bella…Charlie…even my parents…"

"And so should you…" It was the first time I heard emotion in Dr. Clearwater's voice, and it shook me. "The accident…it wasn't your fault Mr. Cullen…there was nothing you could do…you couldn't stop it…everyone knows that…and they are moving on…but you…you haven't…and if you don't hurry… sooner or later it will be too late to catch up…"

* * *

From my bedroom I could hear the neighbor's television drone on and on…there was always some sort of fucking catastrophe going on in the world that needed to be reported over and over again. I could almost picture the news reporter with his beady little eyes, eager to tell the world about another horrific event happening.

I listened for a few minutes, my mind conjuring up its own images as the reporter talked. I could hear the sirens in the background…some woman's screams…it all began to mesh into my brain with my own struggles.

That first night…the one after it happened…pulled me back in…

The moon bright and full…the streetlamps all turned on…my son…just a tiny infant, wrapped up securely in his cradle…

It was peaceful…serene…but not in my head…inside my head a war was being fought.

"Baby please…let me help you…" Bella's soft voice sounded so far away, it hardly reached my ears. I knew she was somewhere behind me, I knew she wanted to comfort me, but I didn't let her.

Instead I sunk further down into the cold tiles of our kitchen, my knees screaming out in protest against the unforgiving ceramic. But at least this I _could_ feel…maybe _this_ pain would block out the one that invaded my mind…took over my soul. I had done everything wrong…everything.

"Baby?"

I still blocked her out, fisting my hair in my hands, shoving my head down on the floor. The tears flooded my eyes, and I squeezed them shut, willing them to stop. I could hear the sirens over and over again…the screams and the terror…the haunting eyes.

It exploded into a million pieces when I felt her hand on my shoulder, she was trying to reach me…and I didn't want to be reached…

I flung my arm back, and saw fear for the first time in my wife's eyes. She stepped back, her own tears falling unchecked, still reaching for me. But instead of reaching back for her, I had reached for the bottle…that glistening, amber bottle, with all its false promises…it had whispered to me that it could erase my memories…give me peace…but it had lied…I never forgot…I never found peace.

I walked out of my house that night despite my wife's begging pleas and walked into my new life, surrounding myself with the new people who would become my family for the next year…the other drunks…the cheap women…the bartender…the bouncer who reminded me of Jazz.

They all accepted me…no one there judged me…no one wanted to talk to me about what happened…no one ever asked my why my eyes were so red, or why my hands trembled…the men all whooped and hollered when they were happy, sometimes ordering another round for everyone…the women would hang over your shoulder, offering you a provocative smile, and a promise of a good time…the days would turn to nights…and the nights to days…all meshing together in an endless blur…

So I stayed there…drowning myself in them…in the false promises…and in the bottle.

Bella tried numerous times to pull me out of there. The first time she was scared, her eyes darting around her as she pulled her jacket closer to her body. She headed over to me, being careful not to touch me. I was hunched over the bar, probably yelling at the bartender who was taking too long to fix me my drink.

I listened to her voice without bothering to look at her.

"Please come home…" she begged, "I need you…Charlie needs you."

And I ignored her…pretending not to hear her, even though her voice never left me…never left my heart.

The last time she tried to reach me, she was angry…tired…done.

"Edward. I know it hurts. It hurts all of us. Please come home. For me…for your son…he looks for you all around the house. Your mom, she came over yesterday, she wanted to show something to you. I had to tell her…even though I couldn't stand the thought of hurting her more…I had to tell her that you weren't there."

I actually turned to look at her when she mentioned my mom. Her eyes searched mine longingly, until I turned away.

"I can't keep coming here…" her voice broke, "It's breaking my heart…and I need to be strong…for our son…I need to be strong…"

I watched her retreating figure…watched her walk away from me; all while my screaming heart howled at me to go after her, but my body wouldn't move. The guilt and regret…the anger and the sorrow…the lies and broken promises…they made me immobile, frozen in my spot.

So I had pushed her away…even though she tried to help me…even though she had come time and time again to me. I pushed them all away. My parents cried right in front of me and it didn't make one bit of difference. I hated them all at that moment…because what they had showed me was fake…a mask…some kind of idyllic dream that could never truly be reached…and I had believed them…all of them…that's what made me so angry…

* * *

**See you at the next chapter...Green Eyes. :)**

**MBella**


	5. Green Eyes

**We meet again! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend! Happy Reading!**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. Coldplay owns Green Eyes. I do not.**

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter 5**

**Green Eyes**

* * *

_The green eyes, you're the one that I wanted to find  
And anyone who tried to deny you, must be out of their mind_

_And honey you should know  
That I could never go on without you  
Green eyes_

* * *

"Hey Emmett...you have a minute?" Taking a deep breath, I walked out of his kitchen, a coke in hand, and threw myself down on his oversized rocking chair he had in the corner of the room facing the television.

I admit, I _was_ nervous...not really sure how I was going to approach the subject, but Emmett was really the only one I could turn to, the only one I trusted.

"What's up?" Emmett didn't take his eyes off the basketball game he was watching, he grabbed a handful of chips from a small bowl on the coffee table and tossed them in his mouth. He didn't catch the apprehension in my voice.

"Well...uhh..." I stared down at the red can in my hands trying to conjure up some courage.

"Yeah?" Emmett finally turned away from the screen and over to me. He grabbed another handful of chips.

"Em...can I ask you something?" I finally looked up at him. "How did you know when you and Rose were ready to...um...ready to..._you know_..."

Emmett just stared...his eyes widening...he looked frozen; his mouth hanging open, a lone chip sitting on the tip of his tongue, forgotten.

"Eddie..." He blinked at me and painfully gulped down the last chip. "Are you talking about you and Bella? Are you thinking about..._you know_...with Bella?"

I nodded once and took a long drink of my soda. I knew I was making Emmett uncomfortable, but I was desperate for advice. I actually tried mentioning it to Jazz a few days earlier, but Jazz gave me this deathly stare and clammed up, he didn't want to talk about anything remotely close to sex even though I suspected him and Alice were already going at it for a while now.

Emmett was quiet for a few seconds longer; I could tell he was thinking very carefully, making sure he knew what he was going to say before he said it. "Eddie...um...how long have you and Bella been dating now?"

"Four months." I answered him, shifting nervously in my seat.

"And you guys think you're ready?" The basketball game was playing nosily in the background but Emmett no longer seemed to care.

"I think so...I mean, I know I am...I think Bella is too." My mind went back to the day we were at the lake. We had almost done it there...almost.

Emmett stared at me, tilting his head to the side. "Have you gotten to uh...second base yet?"

I sorta grinned at him, "Yeah."

"Really?" Emmett grinned back, sitting up a little straighter in his chair. "Well then...what's holding you guys back? It's not like your still in high school or something."

I could feel myself turn red, I was going to have to tell him and he was going to laugh, I would never hear the end of it... "Em...even though we got to second base...I'm not sure what to do next...how to ask her...cause I've never...uh...never..." I just shook my head at him.

Emmett's eyes grew wide. "You _never_?"

"Never."

"Not even with that Stanley chick in high school? I thought for sure you two screwed around...I mean hell...she always hung all over you...in those tank tops and short skirts..."

I scowled at him. "Stanley was a whore...I would never sleep with her...she did the entire football team...or so I heard."

Emmett laughed, "And the basketball team too."

I raised my eyebrows at him at this new piece of information. I didn't tell him about the time in the locker room when Stanley walked right in, pleased as a Cheshire cat, not caring that she was in the boys locker room surrounded by guys changing. She made a beeline right for me, rubbing up against my back suggestively as I was pulling up my jeans. The guys all scoffed at us, jabbing each other with their elbows. When she shot them a warning look they all shut up and backed away. I knew why too...Stanley was selective with who she chose, every guy had a shot with her, but if you ever crossed her, no second chances, she wouldn't give you the time of day.

So they left us alone, snickering out the door, whispering to each other, "Cullen's next..."

What they didn't know was that I had no intention of sleeping with Stanley...just the thought of that repulsed me...that doesn't mean I didn't let myself feel her up...I mean I am a guy, right? But sleep with her? Never.

"So not with Stanley huh?" Emmett interrupted my thoughts.

"No."

"Well then hey Eddie!" He brightened up at my words, "That's pretty cool. You should be proud. How about Bella? Has she ever?" Emmett's face was all lit up, he looked really pleased, and I felt really glad I had come to talk to him instead of torturing myself with Jazz.

"I haven't asked her, but I think she might have...I'm not sure." But I was pretty sure she had...just by the way she kissed me...by the way she would moan lightly into my mouth and let her hands wander down the front of my chest, trailing right into my lap. Yeah...I was pretty sure.

"Okay look Eddie..." Emmett leaned forward on the sofa, a serious expression on his face; he looked exactly the same way our dad looked before he would give us a lecture back when we were younger. "First you really need to be sure you want to do this...and then you need to be sure Bella wants to as well...you need to ask her, communicate, this is very important. I knew I was in love with Rose before I slept with her. I didn't just want to fuck her; you know what I mean...I wanted something different."

His words made perfect sense. I sure as hell didn't want to fuck Bella...that sounded so bad...ugly. No, I wanted more than just fucking.

"Second, if you both decide to move forward then you need to be responsible, use something...a condom...you be the one to take care of it, don't make her do it. Show her that you care about her health as well as yours." Emmett seemed a little more relaxed now, and reached for some more chips. "I have some condoms if you need them."

I hadn't even thought of that and nodded my head at him.

"And third, don't be a dick and get her into bed only to be done in five minutes...make it special..._do_ something special for her. Believe me...I know."

I laughed at Emmett's last comment, not really wanting to know how he figured that out...I could guess Rosalie had something to do with that. "Thanks Em, I was thinking about taking her out Friday night."

"Sounds nice..." Emmett suddenly got a worried look again, "Uh...Eddie...the first time...it's not always...uh...rainbows and shit...it might be..._awkward_...fumbling...messy...try not to have really high expectations okay...I don't want you to be disappointed."

I just stared at him, not quite sure what he was getting at. Awkward? There wasn't anything awkward between me and Bella anymore. The day at the lake proved that.

Two weekends ago we had been back at my apartment, enjoying a lazy Saturday, playing our guitars out on the front porch. I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk, there was a lake near the end of my apartment complex. Since the weather was finally warming up, dozens of pretty flowers had sprung up all around the water making it look like something out of a picture book.

Bella and I walked hand in hand over to the edge of the water. The sunlight was bouncing off her hair and eyes as she talked, it was hypnotizing me, making me completely captivated with her.

We sat near the edge of the water, just talking with one another. She kept playing with my fingers, entwining them with my own. When she lay down in the grass and looked up at the sky, pointing out all the fluffy white clouds, I laid down next to her, trying to make her laugh, telling her silly stories about the figures we saw in the clouds.

Her laugh was contagious, and before I knew it we were both giggling like school kids. I don't even remember how the next part happened, one minute we were laughing...the next minute Bella had rolled herself on top of me, straddling me at my waist, leaning down on her hands so that her hair fell on down on either side of her head, creating a curtain around us.

She stared into my eyes for a few seconds before she whispered, "So green." And then her mouth was over mine. But this kiss was different...harder...more urgent...and I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her down to me.

She shifted her hips, rubbing them slowly up and down against me. I could feel my body react to hers, and I think I grew hard in five seconds flat. I knew she could feel my erection, she was wearing a pretty cotton skirt, and right now it was bunched up around her thighs.

She pressed her body closer to mine, giving out this sexy little moan. I completely lost myself in her...in my desire...I wanted to be _closer_. I rolled us both over so that this time she was underneath me. She just groaned and shoved her hands into my hair, locking me into place, pulling me down onto her.

My instincts took over and my hips pushed into her. I could feel her legs rubbing against my jeans. My hand traveled down her side, under her skirt, until I found the soft skin of her thigh against my palm. I slid my hand down her leg, marveling at its silky feel. My mind spun and my heart pounded as I wrapped my hand under her thigh, hitching her leg up, trying to get better access to the place I wanted to be most.

And she let me...she wanted me...her hands left my hair and ran down the front of my shirt, she started tugging at the buttons, managing to unfasten about three of them, and then I could feel her fingers caressing my bare chest, gently scraping across it, slowly back and forth. It was making me crazy.

We shifted to our sides, not even realizing that we were halfway into the water by now. It lapped softly around us...flowing along our sides and in between our entangled arms and legs.

The water wasn't cold...it was cool...just enough to send tiny goose bumps all along our skin...just enough to arouse us even more. Her blouse was all wet, it clung to her body, and I could see the outline of her bra, the swell of her breasts peeking out from the top. She looked so beautiful...so perfect...and when I finally got enough courage to run my hand up her smooth stomach and close around one of her breasts, she let out this breathy gasp and arched her body up to mine.

That sent me spinning into oblivion, my hand shoved its way under her bra, all while I kissed her...touching her...feeling her...loving her...this was like nothing I had ever felt before... she was so many things all at the same time...hot...soft...sexy...beautiful...loving...voluptuous...it all blended into one...and I wanted to make us one.

Just when I lowered my head, placing tiny kisses all along her neck and collarbone, traveling down to where my hand cupped her breast, she whispered my name...

"Edward."

She clutched me harder against her and moaned again.

"Edward...I...lov..."

I could feel my breath hitch, my hips pushing into her again, my entire being on edge waiting to hear her say those words...longing to hear her say those words.

But she didn't get to finish...and neither did I...we could both hear the far away sounds of people chatting and laughing at the same time. We jerked apart in a hurry, sitting up in the water.

The family that was walking along the adjacent end of lake hadn't seen us yet, which was a good thing because they had two little children with them who were happily skipping along the water's edge, picking all the pretty flowers.

Bella and I stared at each for a few seconds, letting our breathing even out. And then she smiled at me...this cute, almost shy smile...her hair sticking to her forehead and cheeks, her clothes in disarray.

"Come on..." I held out my hand to her, and we ran back to my apartment laughing, where we dried off, and I lent her one of my button down shirts that was three sizes too big for her. She wore it happily, parading around my living room in it...and when she stood by my piano, she looked so damn sexy, I had to physically restrain myself from jumping on her right there...

Somehow we both knew that the next step wasn't too far down the road for us...but we also seemed to know that the next step wasn't going to happen that day. We spent the rest of the day laughing and talking...talking about a future we were going to have one day...

It was one of the best days in my entire life...

* * *

"Mr. Cullen...I want to talk about your wife today...Do you think of your wife often?"

I nearly snorted at Dr. Clearwater's words. I thought of Bella every fucking day of my life...not a day, an hour, or a minute went by without me thinking of her.

I nodded my head at Dr. Clearwater, not offering him anything more.

"You both met in college, is that correct?" he was shuffling through some papers, seemed to be looking for something.

"Yes, I met her when I was nineteen." I still remembered everything...everything about us.

"And you got married at twenty four?"

"Right after we graduated." I added. It had been a wonderful, magical day. Bella was breathtaking in her gown; Emmett was my best man, my shoulder to lean on. I had never seen my parents prouder.

He tilted his head to the side, almost sadly, his gaze studying my features for a second. "Mr. Cullen, do you still love your wife?"

My head snapped up to his at the question. That was really a ridiculous question. "Of course I still love her."

"Are you sure?" he ignored the sarcasm in my voice.

"Yes."

"Then when is the last time you told her that?" Dr. Clearwater's words were almost accusing. "When was the last time she heard you tell her you loved her?"

I froze in my seat, my heart began thumping wildly. What was Dr. Clearwater getting at? His words spun around me as I stared at him. I couldn't remember when the last time I told Bella I loved her. How long had it been?

"Mr. Cullen..." Dr. Clearwater leaned forward in his seat, "One of the first things alcoholics have to do during their recovery is realize the pain they have caused to others. Despite what pain you are going through yourself, your wife and son have gone through similar pain. A pain inflicted upon them _by you_, one they could not control, and have yet to receive an apology for..."

I could feel my hands digging into the arms of my seat. _A pain inflicted upon them by you... _I knew he was right...he was always fucking right...

"And just like you, your wife can't heal...move on...until she knows what caused this...until you ask for forgiveness...whether she can give it to you or not..."

I pondered his words, letting them sink into my brain. Bella didn't know what caused this...she still didn't know...I never told her.

"The first time you walked into my office you told me that you wanted your wife back. Do you still?" Dr. Clearwater's voice was firm, his brows furrowed slightly.

"Ye...yes. Of course." I was taken aback at his tone...he had never talked to me this way before, I would usually bolt at the first sign of straightforwardness, but this time I couldn't move...couldn't flee...something was holding me back...someone was holding me back.

"Then it's time..." Dr. Clearwater straightened up, his tone softened. He picked up his pen again and wrote a few words down on his clipboard. "It's time Mr. Cullen..."

"Time for what?" My voice had fallen to nothing more than a soft whisper.

Dr. Clearwater looked up sharply from his clipboard, "It's time to fight Mr. Cullen...for your life back...for your wife...for your son...it's time to fight..."

Dr. Clearwater's words were still ringing in my head as I walked along the sidewalk. Spring was here in full force now. The sun shone brightly overhead...people all laughed and talked as they passed me, their hands piled high with shopping bags and pushing strollers.

A tiny girl flashed me her baby grin and I smiled back automatically. It took me by surprise because I hadn't smiled in such a long time, at least not one that wasn't forced.

As I walked past this small cafe the smell of coffee along with baked goods beckoned me to enter...taking me back to happier memories. Music played softly in the background. I ordered a small coffee and a cookie, even though I didn't want either. I just wanted to sit there...in the corner...and remember.

So I nursed my coffee...ignored my cookie...just watched all the people shuffle in and out for a while.

Then I heard the words...the words of the song playing through the speaker system...it made me suck in my breath...grip the edge of my table tightly. It was that song...that same song she sang...on our first night...our first time...

* * *

The Coffee House was bursting to the seams with people as Jazz and I pushed our way through.

"Do we have to come here tonight?" Jazz said warily, looking around. "There's no place to sit."

"She told me I have to be here, and I'm going to be here." I elbowed my way through the crowd. "You don't have to stay...I'll let Alice know." I half teased knowing he wouldn't leave Alice's side all night.

He just gave me a little huff, ignoring me.

It was open mic night here at the Coffee House so the place was packed full of college kids eager to hear their friends sing. I didn't realize it was going to be so crowded. Bella told me all about open mic nights but this was the first one I was actually attending.

Jazz finally found Alice up near the front. She was bouncing all over her seat gesturing at us to hurry up. "Come on...it's almost time."

She gave Jazz her seat and plopped down on his lap as I took the empty seat she was saving for us, next to her.

Bella told me she was going to sing tonight, I couldn't wait to hear her voice again. I sat expectantly in my seat looking up at the small platform. She walked out without looking at anyone, a nervous smile on her lips. I could feel myself sit up straighter...already filled with pride at seeing my girl up there.

When she sat down and strummed her guitar a few times I could see her face relax. Her hands flew over her guitar with ease and when the first few words came out of her mouth she tilted her head up and looked right at me.

_Honey you are a rock  
Upon which I stand  
And I came here to talk  
I hope you understand…_

The look in her eyes…they words she sang…her hair flowing all around her face…those fingers…that voice…

_The green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you  
And how could, anybody, deny you…_

It just shook me right to my soul… and when the last of her song faded away, the entire coffee house was silent…their eyes transfixed on Bella. I think I stopped breathing…my eyes searching hers…knowing what she was telling me…knowing that we were going to take that next step…tonight…

The room finally broke out into thunderous applause, and she flashed me a brilliant smile, making me grin back at her.

Back at my place she was warm, soft, and sweet…pressed up against my piano, her arms wrapped around my neck as she kissed me, holding me to her. Her skirt was already off, tossed carelessly at our side, and I wanted everything off of her…I wanted to feel her…have her feel me…I wanted to make her mine.

Quiet moans…wet kisses…the feel of her tongue against my neck…pressing…touching…the breathy gasps…longing sighs…

The only fumbling we did was with the buttons on my shirt…I didn't even bother with hers, pulling her blouse up over her head, eager to bring her body back to me.

Her hand hit a few keys on the piano as she flung her blouse to the ground, the harmonic sounds pierced through the silence, urging us along.

Her hands traveled down my bare chest, and then up my thighs, until her fingers wrapped themselves around me…so sexy…so tight...it tore a groan from my throat.

I could feel her pressing her breasts firmly into my hands, her body arching to mine. She clung to me when I scooped her up and carried her to my bedroom. She clung to me when I slid my body up on top of hers. Her eyes never wavered from my face as I touched her. She never hesitated, not even once, as I kissed every inch of her skin. And after I had ripped open the condom, rolling it on, she watched me in wonder, gasping softly when I entered her for the first time. It wasn't anything like I ever imagined it to be…it was a million times more meaningful…a million times more emotional…

And when she was finally wrapped around me, her body and her soul…when we were finally one…that's when she placed her hand on my cheek, tracing it along my jaw…whispering to me…

"I love you…"

Her words making me thrust into her again and again, taking her body and her heart to new heights.

I made her moan for me over and over, my own heart overflowing with all the things I wanted to show her…all the things I wanted to share with her…

When we were finally one…

* * *

"A refill?"

The voice of the young girl holding the coffee carafe in her hands jerked me out of my thoughts, and I looked up startled.

"Oh, uh…no thank you…I'm fine."

She smiled at me and nodded, turning to walk over to the next customer.

I stared at the now cold coffee in my hands, the uneaten cookie. Why had I let her go? Why had I let my entire family go? Was it too late to get them back?

I pushed myself up from the table and headed for the door. Dr. Clearwater said I needed to apologize…but I needed to do much more than that…I needed to beg for forgiveness. Make her understand…

The roar of a motorcycle filled my ears as I pushed my way out the doors; it was racing down the street, making my heart leap to my throat. The sun was even brighter now and I had to bring my hand up to shield my eyes from the glare.

I hated motorcycles…hated them. Ever since I was a little boy…the noise and awful smell of them always made me wrinkle my nose and cover my ears. My dad and Emmett would laugh at me…tease me…boys were suppose to like fast things…but I never did.

I watched it fly right by in front of me, and I held my breath. Not because of the smell, but because he was going through the stoplights…the light was still green for him, but that didn't matter to me…I still watched, my eyes flying over to the other cars stopped at the opposite lights, making sure everyone saw him. He didn't seem to care…didn't look either way as he flew through the streets. He was young and carefree…just the way he should be…and I waited in my place until he was no longer in my sight.

My mind wandered for a minute. The awful screeching noise…the screams…the orange flames…I could feel my heart begin to race and I deliberately forced myself to turn around and walk in the opposite direction. I found myself in front of the grocery store. Bella and I used to come here together when we first got married.

The doors opened automatically for me as I paused in front of them. I walked through them, not really sure what I was doing here, but grateful for the distraction. I paused in front of the fruit section, staring at all the colors in front of me. The grapes were so round and green…they actually made my mouth water, and I grabbed a few bunches, tossing them into one of the small plastic bags the store had for the customers.

Feeling a little better and breathing a little easier, I made my way down a few more isles until I reached the beverage section. I stared past all the rows of soft drinks, taking in their various labels offering caffeine free…low sugar…zero calories…until my eyes reached the liquor.

There it was, all within my reach…dozens and dozens of cans and bottles all holding what I had thought was precious and sacred just months ago. My hands automatically reached out and my fingers closed around the neck of the pretty golden bottle. I gazed at it, not really reading what it had to say…I already knew what it promised…I already knew what it could do for me. I should put it back…turn away from it.

Still I held onto it…not really sure why…I didn't have the urge for it this time around…it just felt familiar in my hands and I wanted to feel something familiar again. My thumb played with the cap, moving absentmindedly back and forth over it, and then I could feel it…it washed over me…the hurt and the anger…only this time the anger was directed at the bottle. I had never blamed the bottle…always blamed everyone else for my sorrows…but today…standing here...I hated that bottle…

I wanted to fling it across the store, my arm even rose a little, and I turned my body slightly bringing my head up to look across the aisle.

My breath hitched almost automatically because there, standing right next to me was Bella. She was watching me, her hands frozen on her shopping cart. I couldn't read her face, but I could see her eyes locked onto that bottle, I could almost feel the hatred radiating off of her.

Her eyes finally rose up and rest on mine. I searched her eyes quickly, trying to find some emotion in them. There was none, she stared at me blankly, and then accusingly.

I wanted to drop that bottle right then and there, reach out for her and tell her that it wasn't what it looked like. I could give this all up...I would give this all up for her...for Charlie.

She turned her head away, moving her eyes past me...above me...she started pushing her cart again...away from me...as quickly as she could.

I needed to stop her.

"Bella..." I took a hesitant step forward as she brushed right past me, she didn't turn around to look, "I'm sorry..."

She paused then...I saw it...just slightly. But it wasn't enough...I already knew it wouldn't be enough. She kept walking...pretending that she didn't hear me.

"I'm so sorry..." I whispered to her retreating back, "I promise you...I won't give up...I promise you...I'm going to fight..."

And then I placed the bottle back on the shelf...and watched her walk away from me...

* * *

**From here on out it's going to be different folks. I won't be keeping you in the dark much longer. **

**Now for review blackmail...lol...for everyone that reviews, I'll send a little teaser of the next chapter White Shadows... :)**

**MBella**


	6. White Shadows

**Welcome back my friends! Hope you're ready for a little ride! :)**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I do not.**

**Chapter 6**

**White Shadows**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_If you ever feel like something's missing?  
Things you'll never understand  
Little white shadows, sparkle and glisten_

_When I was a young boy_

_I tried to listen_

_Don't you wanna feel like that..._

* * *

"So…any words of wisdom for your brother before the big day tomorrow?" Emmet was just joking with me. "After all…you've been married two years now and just had a baby."

I just laughed at him, bumping my shoulder with his. We were sitting at my piano, suppose to be practicing but just chatting instead. "I could hardly give you advice…" I shook my head, "You've been with Rose a whole lot longer than I've been with Bella. Just because we got married first…"

"And had Charlie…" Emmett interrupted.

"And had Charlie…but still…that doesn't mean I know more than you…I mean, every time Bella and I argue, you're the one who always gives me advice…hell…I'm still asking for advice about marriage and babies and stuff, and you're not even married yet."

Emmett gave out this half chuckle at my words and started to rise from his seat. "Yeah well…I'm a man of many talents…but you and Bella…you guys don't need any advice from me…you have the perfect marriage."

I just rolled my eyes at him.

"Now we better get out of here…or the girls will have our heads." He started reaching for his jacket.

"We can't go yet…we need to practice it one more time, Em…come on… I know Rosalie will flip tomorrow when she hears you play it." This was our last chance to get the song right. I wanted it to be perfect…without a flaw. Emmett had been coming over every day for the past three weeks so that I could teach him how to play the melody.

"We're already late Eddie…" Emmett shook his head, "We need to get back over to my place…the rehearsal dinner starts at eight, and you know how Rose is…everything needs to be just right. Bella is over there helping her get ready; she's going to be just as mad at you as Rose is with me, if we're not there on time."

"Alright alright…we'll go in a minute…just play the last three lines…then we can leave…promise." I placed my fingers down on the piano; Emmett sighed and reluctantly lowered himself next to me.

"Just one more Eddie…I don't even think Rose is going to care anymore…she's still going to be seeing red at me being late tonight."

I just chuckled at him, "She's going to melt when she hears it…" My fingers began moving over the keys slowly…guiding Emmett through the beginning. "It's not every day the bride gets serenaded by the groom on their wedding day."

Emmett just smiled at me, "You think so huh?"

I nodded at him, grinning. Together our hands flew over the keys; my movements were fast and fluid while Em's seemed more mechanical and shaky. Still…if you didn't know any better, you would think it sounded perfect.

Rosalie was really going to be stunned, she had no idea Emmett was planning to do this. He wanted to do something special for her on their wedding day, something that would take her by surprise. I had convinced him that this was it, the most romantic idea for his wedding day. He had hesitated at first…but at my insistence, he finally gave in.

So here we were…the day before the wedding…playing Rosalie's song. It was slow and beautiful…the harmonies delicate and light. It filled the whole room with happiness, and we were both grinning at the end. By the time we ran through the last of the chords we were already fifteen minutes late. Bella was going to have my ass…

"Okay, done. Let's get the hell out of here." Emmett pushed himself back, flung his jacket over his shoulder, and grabbed his keys that were sitting on the foyer table.

"I'm right behind you." I grabbed my own keys and jacket on the way out the door.

Night had already fallen…the air hung heavy…still…no wind in sight, not even a breeze.

We both scrambled down the steps, Emmett turned to me quickly, a sly smile creeping over his face…

"Race you home little brother…" he said, chuckling, before tearing out of the driveway.

"You're on…" I yelled after him, laughing.

We took off into the night…both of us…full of anticipation and excitement about tomorrow…

* * *

I pulled my jacket around me for the third time. I wasn't cold, the air around me was warm, but I stood there on Jazz's doorstep hesitant and unsure, I could see my shadow on the ground next to me, for some reason it gave me comfort…didn't let me feel so alone.

I couldn't bring myself to knock just yet. What I was about to ask him was going to test our friendship in ways it hadn't been tested yet.

Jazz was the first one who tried to help me, and the last one to let me go. Of all the people who loved me, I treated him the worst…and he took it…all my bullshit…over and over again. Jazz and Alice even took me in for a few weeks after my breakdown. I guess he thought it would be a good idea, he could keep an eye on me…try to convince me to go back home. He never backed down…never turned away from me, until I crossed the line.

I spent the entire night drinking…and then more in the morning…Alice found me passed out on their kitchen floor when she came down the stairs…it wasn't even noon yet, but I was already falling over drunk. She thought I had died…screamed her head off…dialed 911.

I don't even remember the fucking ambulance or what happened next.

Jazz told me they had to pump my stomach…they wanted me to go to rehab…wanted to refer me to the Psych ward to talk to someone.

I just pushed back the covers of the hospital bed and headed for the door, not really listening or caring about anything Jazz had to say.

"Edward, come on…listen to me. The hospital knows what they're doing. Why don't you try rehab…just for a few days…maybe it'll work?"

I kept shuffling around the room trying to find my shoes…I didn't answer him…didn't even grunt…I just wanted to grab my shit and get back home…I knew there was a bottle under my bed, and I wanted it now.

Jazz tried to step in my way. "Hey. Look at me. Edward? Look at me."

I finally glanced up at him…his face was a mixture of anger and pain. He looked old…why did everyone around me always look so fucking old?

"Edward…" His voice sounded naked and hollow. "You can't come back to my place…Alice…Alice is still at home crying…she can't do this anymore…she thought you were dead…dead!"

I just stared at him, narrowing my eyes.

"She was so scared Edward…I can't let her be scared anymore. She doesn't want you there…you can't come back."

Still I said nothing…

"I'm sorry man…but it's killing us…do you know that Bella calls me every night?"

My body tensed up at hearing her name. I kept my eyes locked to his; he could see my breathing change at the mention of her.

"She calls me…to ask how you are…to beg me to try and reach you…every single night. I hear it in her voice…the pain…the hurt…when I tell her you are still the same…that nothing's changed." Even though I could see the pain in his eyes, and hear the anguish in his voice, I just turned away from him, grabbing my jacket and brushing past him.

I was full of rage at that moment…unjustified, I know…but still full of rage.

"If you're not going to listen…" Jazz's voice broke, "then you need to get the hell out of our lives…I mean it…I'm not going to let Alice and Bella watch you _fucking_ _kill_ _yourself_."

His words hung heavily in the air. My fingers gripped the doorknob in fury and torment. Jazz was the last one…the last connection I had to my life…and I was losing it.

But even his words were not enough. I walked out of that hospital the same way I went in…sick…sick with disease…sick with heartache…it never went away.

Despite his harsh words, Jazz really never stopped looking out for me…he came around to my apartment every now and then, always alone. He would bring me food sometimes, whatever Alice had made for dinner that night.

We would talk about mundane things…the weather…sports…whatever god awful shit happened that day in the news. We would never talk about the past…or Bella…or the accident. He was always careful not to bring it up…for fear that it would send me back in a downward spiral, and it probably would have…

I could hear Jazz's voice behind the door…and faint laughter…it sent a rush of adrenaline through me and before I realized it, I was knocking on the door.

The look on Jazz's face, when he swung the door open, was nothing less than shock. I swear he turned as white as a sheet.

"Ed…wha…what are you doing here?" his voice was low…mumbling…he turned his head quickly towards the living area and then back to me.

I was in too much of a hurry to get Jazz to let me in, that I didn't pay much attention to his face or the tone of his voice.

"Jazz…can I talk to you…I need to tell you something…" The words just tumbled out of me, and I took a few steps forward trying to get past the door. Jazz quickly put up his hand, but I don't think he was really trying to stop me, more like slow me down.

"Ed…no…wait!" This time I could hear the panic…but it was too late… there was no slowing me down…I pushed right past him, walking right into the living room…right into the middle of some kind of fucking get together.

Alice saw me first; she was directly across from me…sitting in a small wooden chair. Her head snapped up, her eyes locking to mine. Her face was a mixture of alarm and fear; she let out this loud gasp, bringing her hand up to her mouth…her eyes wide.

Her reaction made their guests on the sofa to turn around to see what was so alarming…I glanced around me quickly…and once I saw them…on the sofa, together…his arm around the back of her seat...wave after wave of anguish filled my entire being…my body shook with it…

I was frozen in my spot, my words forgotten now. My heart began to race…a red haze filled my vision.

Bella's face…that's all I could see…she was looking at me as if she saw a ghost…her fingers gripping the cushions of the pillow so hard you could see the veins of her hands stretched taut against her skin.

She didn't move. Her eyes bore into mine, and for that first brief second…I thought I could see it there…the intense longing…the love…and then as quickly as it came…it was gone, and she jerked her head around as Alice bounded up from her seat at the same time.

* * *

I could never back down from any of Emmett's challenges. Whether it be a basketball game…board game…or who can do it the fastest game. When we were younger I began to suspect he was letting me win on purpose, so I did what any little brother would do…I threw a fit and tattled to our mom.

Our mom, Esme, just laughed and ruffled my hair, telling me that I should consider myself lucky to have such a loving big brother, but I huffed and complained until Emmett promised he would never let me win at anything ever again.

He kept his promise…

I slid into the driver's seat, hurriedly checking my review mirror, clicking on my seatbelt, and trying to think of a good excuse to tell Bella and Rose, once we got there, why we were late.

The red glow of Emmett's taillights brightened up in front of me, and in a flash he was gone…rounding the corner of my block.

I laughed out loud…stepping on the gas pedal with more force than usual. The engine roared to life and made this squealing sound as the tires rubbed on the pavement. I was confidant I could catch up to him. I had a strong notion he still let me win every now and then…

The streets were pretty empty as we both maneuvered through the town. Two right turns…three straight blocks…two stoplights…

I fiddled with the buttons on my satellite radio as we both flew down the street…we passed the bakery…and then the school.

The slight glimmer of red glowed steadily in the distance, the stoplight silently warning me to slow down before I reached it.

Still, I kept my foot on the gas…not letting up…Emmett wasn't slowing down either, why should I…if our timing was right, it might turn green before we crossed it…

I glanced down at the radio once more, sighing…there was nothing good playing…you would think with all the satellite channels offered, at least one would have something worth listening to…

Okay…less than a block away and the light was still red…I felt my foot instinctively lift from the gas pedal…Emmett was hunched over his motorcycle, racing away, his shadow flying down along the pavement next to him...he wasn't slowing down.

* * *

I wanted to yell what the fuck was going on here…but words escaped me. Had they all just moved on and replaced me that easily?

Alice didn't say anything, but her mouth was open. Her eyes flew to Jazz in desperation, looking for direction…not knowing what to do.

I could hear Jazz come up beside me…I didn't look at him…I couldn't tear my eyes off of Bella.

She didn't move…her body stayed twisted in its position, in shock.

We probably would have stayed frozen in our spots forever but then the last person I thought who would open his fucking mouth, decided…to open his fucking mouth.

"Edward! Nice to see you again. How have you been?" Jake rose from the sofa, breaking the silence in the room.

I hadn't seen Jake since the funeral…and even then it had been brief…he spent most of his time with my parents, offering words of comfort to them.

He moved around the side of the sofa and came up to me and Jazz. I ordered myself silently to take deep breaths of air…to stay under control…don't explode Edward…not yet…

And I probably could have stayed in control but that fucking bastard extended his hand to me…the same hand he had wrapped around Bella's shoulder…reaching out and grabbing at my wrist…

I couldn't stop the fury that exploded from me.

"What the fuck is going on? What the hell are you doing here Black?" the words spewed forth as I yanked my arm back, out of Jake's reach.

"Edward!" Jazz immediately grabbed my arm in a tight grip; I struggled with him, trying to tear myself out of his grasp.

Jake stared at me stunned…a wounded look on his face, but I didn't fucking care.

"Get the hell out of here Black!" I tried to step towards him but Jazz wasn't letting me go. "Get the fuck off of me!" I turned to Jazz, directing my anger towards him.

"No!" Jazz looked just as angry as I was, "No! Hell Edward! Stop it!"

But I couldn't stop…it was already too late…

* * *

_Shit_…the light wasn't going to change…it was going to stay red. My foot lifted from the gas and hovered over the brake pedal, letting the car coast a bit. I kept my eyes on the stoplight, trying to calculate the distance before I really had to put full force on the brakes.

Emmett's taillights suddenly flashed a brighter red in front of me, and I chuckled to myself…he had stepped on the brakes. I kept grinning…we were going to have to make the stop…it would put me back in the game.

My car jerked a bit as I hit the brakes, making a couple of cds I had resting on top of the console slide forward. My right hand reached out automatically to stop them, my left still handling the steering wheel. My eyes flew quickly to the cds and then back up to the stop light.

_Damn!_ It had turned green at the last second…I hadn't needed to slow down after all…Emmett took off like a shot, gunning the motor of his cycle as if he were trying to tease me, egg me on. I pushed the cds off the console and over to the passenger's seat before jamming my foot down on the gas.

I hated losing.

Both hands gripped the steering wheel tightly as I increased the pressure of my foot; I could see Emmett flying across the yellow lines of the crosswalk in a blur. I glanced one last time at the green light before lowering my eyes back to Emmett.

It came out of nowhere…in the adjacent crossway…a dark blue sedan with tinted windows…his light had to be red…or just turned red…he _didn't_ stop…he flew right through the stoplight at the same time Emmett was going through it…I don't think Emmett even noticed.

The sound of metal hitting metal exploded in my head as I watched the scene unfold right before my eyes. There was this horrible screeching…a spew of silver and red sparks…twisted wheels…pieces of rubber flying…and broken glass. Both vehicles were locked together, skidding right toward me. I yanked hard on the steering wheel and slammed on the brakes at the same time…horrified at the sight, my face contorted in a terrified mask. My own car let out this rumbling, shrieking sound as I forced the tires to turn in a direction the car didn't want to go. My car spun around three times before I hit the back bumper on a lamppost, I could hear glass shattering…more metal crunching. The car ran up over the curb near a blue newspaper stand and came to a grinding stop.

Everything became eerily quiet…I could hear the labored gasps of my own breathing. My hands were still clenched tightly to the steering wheel…I was disoriented at first…my eyes shifting wildly around me, trying to figure out where I was…which direction I was facing. Then I looked in the rearview mirror…I could see both vehicles still attached to each other…lying deathly still in the middle of the street.

With trembling hands I fought with my seatbelt, trying to free myself…_Emmett!_ My brain screamed…_Emmett is in there!_

I pushed open my door with all the force I could muster. It creaked and groaned as I shoved my shoulder against it. My mind was spinning…I stumbled twice, nearly falling to my knees as I made my way along the dark…there he was…I could see him…his hand was moving…I could reach him…_I'm coming Emmett! I'm coming! Just hang on_…

And then the whole thing burst into flames…

* * *

Alice let out this little shriek as Jazz shoved me up against the wall, gripping both my arms in his hands roughly.

I was still struggling with him, trying to get him to let me loose. Black was just standing there, staring at me…this fucking little smirk on his face. I wanted to kill that bastard.

"Edward! Calm the fuck down!" Jazz was stronger than I remembered. I shoved my body against his, using my elbows to hit him in the chest.

"Get off me!" I grunted, the red haze was still there…fueling me on…

Jazz huffed at the impact but didn't back down…he pushed back against me with the same amount of force. "Dammit Edward! Are you drunk!" My breath hitched at his words. Those words hurt me more than anything…because I knew…I knew that from here on out it was always going to be the first same fucking thing everyone was going to think whenever I did or said anything they didn't like.

"No!" Her voice was suddenly louder than everyone in the room. "No Jasper! Stop. Let him go."

That voice…_her_ voice…it filled my ears…sent a surge of emotions pouring through me…I suddenly lost my will to fight, my arms falling limply to my sides in defeat. Jazz felt my body relax and he loosened his grip slightly.

Everyone in the room was frozen except for Bella; she didn't look like she was in shock anymore. She rose from the sofa, this determined look on her face. It made my heart start racing…because she looked almost angry…at Jazz. She walked right up to me with long purposeful strides. When she reached me, she placed one hand on Jazz's arm. "Let him go Jasper…" she said quietly, her voice firm.

Jazz took a step back…his eyes darting back and forth between me and Bella. I could feel my hands flexing at my sides, not from anger, but from having Bella so close to me. I lifted my eyes to hers as she took this tiny step closer to me…her hand lifted ever so slightly as her eyes searched mine. My first instinct was that she was going to slap me…she should've slapped me, I deserved it…I was acting like an ass.

But she didn't…instead she took in this deep, shaky breath, her hand slowly rising up to my face, I felt the tips of her fingers touch ever so lightly right along my jaw line. Her head tilted a bit as she watched her hand trace along to edge of my chin. Her hand was so warm, her touch feather light, it sent a shivering jolt up my spine, wrapped my entire being with yearning. She stayed that way for a few seconds and I didn't move…didn't want to move…Bella was touching me…just the way I remembered her touching me…I wanted to lean my face into her hand and close my eyes…my entire body ached for her…wanted her…so I just stood still…watching her. Her eyes rose to mine…and finally she spoke…

"You need to go Edward…" Her voice was so soft, "You're angry…it's scaring everyone…you need to go…" her words fell over me in a gentle caress, she wasn't trying to hurt me; I could see that clearly, she was trying to help me. "I know you're not drunk…" she whispered pulling her hand back, her voice shook slightly.

Neither of us moved for a few seconds…but there was something in her eyes…some little shadow of hope…it sparkled and glistened inside of me…that tiny bit of love in her voice…

It was agonizing to walk away from her…to leave her there in Jazz's house, knowing Black was in there with her…but somehow her words and her touch gave me the courage to leave…and the hope…that maybe I hadn't lost her…maybe she was still mine…maybe… she still loved me…

* * *

The roar of the fire filled my ears and the searing heat hit me like a giant wave, sending me sprawling backwards, spilling to the ground. I crawled forward until I could see straight again, and then jumped up. I kept running towards the flames…Emmett was in there…I had to get him out.

I could hear the sirens in the background…people who had been eating in one of the nearby restaurants had come out, standing on the street, pointing and gasping.

Huge balls of black smoke were pouring into the night sky filling it like a haunted cloud, making me cough and gag. But I was almost there…I was so close.

I peered into the flames looking for Emmett…I could see the top of his helmet…not moving…just lying there.

The firemen were running towards me…waving their hands in the air…yelling at me to get away…to get back. Women were screaming…covering their eyes with their hands. The flickering orange and red were all around me…and the heat was unbearable…but I couldn't stop…wouldn't stop…nothing could make me stop…

Just then I saw it move…Emmett's helmet…it made a sudden jerking movement…and I cried out his name…hoping he could hear me.

"Emmett!"

"Emmett! I'm here! Hang on!"

And then he lifted his head…his visor was down…all twisted and melted and gnarled…I didn't think he could see me…but then I saw his eyes…

And they warned me…

_Get away!_ They were round and wide. _Run!_

But I wasn't going to run…I could reach him…I could do it…

The rough force of the firemen's hands yanked me backward, their yells falling on deaf ears. I tried to shake them off of me…push them away…but they overpowered me…grabbing onto me and pulling me back…

"No!" I yelled at them. "No!"

But they didn't listen…they just kept pulling…wrapping their arms around my torso, and dragging me away.

I still kept struggling…kept trying to break free…I could see two or three firemen running near the flames, squatting down…trying to reach Emmett…they almost had him…almost.

The last thing I remember is another woman shrieking as a huge orange ball of fire exploded in front of us. Thick, black smoke rained down around us…people were running and shouting…

The firemen pulled me down to the ground, throwing themselves on top of me…shielding my head with their arms. Tiny burning ashes floated down from the sky, glowing bright red for just a brief second before burning out as they landed on the hard concrete.

There was more yelling…more sirens…more confusion…panic…fear…and then nothing…empty…black…meaningless…nothing…

We buried Emmett four days later…he was suppose to be on his honeymoon…instead he was in the ground.

Everyone wept quietly around me…it was a tragic accident, they all whispered…so senseless…why did it have to happen?

I didn't answer…I stood icy hard at his grave…my face emotionless. Their whispers swirled all around me…their voices soft and mournful, but sounded so accusing to my own ears…my eyes stayed glued to the pile of dirt where my brother lay, even though I wanted to clasp my hands over my ears, and squeeze my eyes shut to block them out.

I knew why my brother was in the ground instead of standing next to me…I knew why the accident had happened…

It was because of _me_…because_ I_ made him stay and practice that fucking song one more time…because_ I_ had convinced him of that fucking brilliant idea that Rose would have loved that song…and because he loved Rose, because he loved _me_…he stayed. _I_ made him late…if we had left just ten minutes earlier we wouldn't be standing here…

I never told Bella or Rose about that song…I never told anyone. And it ate at me…consumed me…turned me into someone I didn't even know. And that new guy…the one it turned me into…I hated him too…I blamed _him_…I wanted to hurt _him_…make _him_ suffer…so I did…and no amount of love from anyone was going to change that…

* * *

**Whew! Are you still with me? It's okay...hang in there...you still believe in love right?**

**Reviews are always little bursts of sunshine in my email box. :)**

**See you at the next chapter...Rainy Day**

**MBella**


	7. Rainy Day

**Welcome Back my friends! So sorry for the huge delay in this chapter. I was called into work for three weeks straight so I did not have a lot of time to write. I wanted this chapter to come out right, not rushed. My apologies.**

**Happy Reading!**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight, I do not.**

**Chapter 7 Rainy Day**

**Enjoy!**

**...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................**

Oh rainy day, come 'round  
Sometimes I just want it to slow down  
And we're separated now…

...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

I stared aimlessly out the window of my bedroom, watching tiny droplets of water streak across the glass in an endless race. The sky was full of dark, grey clouds, they rumbled and groaned as they poured out big fat raindrops down to the ground, it matched my mood.

It was the first time in my entire life that I didn't have my big brother with me anymore and I was feeling lost.

I could hear the soft footsteps of my mom lingering in the hall for a few seconds, and then finally a short rap on my door.

"Edward? Are you okay? Can I come in?" The doorknob rattled lightly, and before I could tell her to go away, the door swung open. My mom made her way to my bed and sat down carefully. I didn't turn away from the window to face her; she wasn't the one I wanted in my room.

"He had to go sweetheart…you know that…he couldn't stay." Her voice was light…loving…full of sympathy.

I just shrugged, pretending it didn't affect me.

"He'll be back for Thanksgiving Edward…and then Winter break…maybe you can go down and visit him on campus a few times…"

I finally turned around to look at her. She smiled at me and patted the space on the bed beside her. I plopped myself down next to her, wishing I could talk to her the way I used to talk to Emmett. She would never understand me, or my problems. I didn't know how to talk to her or ask her for help, the only person I knew how to talk to was gone…

Today I was feeling like shit, my school day had gone horrible, Mike Newton had shoved me up against the wall in the hallway. He called me an asshole and told me to stay the fuck away from his girlfriend. I didn't know what to say…I just stared at him. I didn't know what the hell he was talking about. I could care less about Newton's girl; hell…I wasn't even sure who she was. If Emmett were here he would have told me what to say…what to do. But he wasn't here, so I sulked and mooned in my bedroom.

He had been gone for almost a week. My parents had dropped him off at college that Sunday and I didn't know when he was going to come back. The week had moved slowly…it was only five days, but it felt like months. I wandered around the house every afternoon looking for something to do, finding myself standing at Emmett's old bedroom door each time, resting my shoulder against the door frame and just watching the empty space…wondering how he was doing…if he even missed me at all.

"Your dad and I are here if you ever need to talk Edward…you know that."

I nodded blindly, trying to get my mother out of my room as quickly as possible, the faster she was gone, the faster I could go back to staring at the raindrops…

...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

"Mr. Cullen, today marks the third month you have been in rehabilitation. How are you feeling?"

I glanced up from my lap in surprise, raising my eyebrows at Dr. Clearwater's words. Had it been three months already? It certainly didn't feel like it.

I almost didn't come today. The entire week had been beautiful, sunny, gorgeous weather…except for today….today it was raining. I didn't want to walk to his office in the rain, but somehow I managed to throw on my jacket and dig through the crap in my closet until I found my old, black umbrella, spooled at the bottom, tangled up in a heap with all these extension cords.

Dr. Clearwater's words brightened my mood considerably, and I offered him a half smile, running my hand through my hair and straightening up in my seat just a bit.

"You should be proud…it's been a long, hard road for you." He leaned back in his leather chair, tossing his clipboard down on top of his desk. His eyes moved over mine quickly, and he tilted his head to the side, sort of eyeing me, "Off the record…can I ask you something?"

The tone of his voice shifted dramatically from professional doctor, to one that sounded as if we were old friends. It threw me off balance, and my head rose up to his sharply, but I only blinked before nodding at him.

"I know you told me once, but…your son, Charlie, when was the last time you saw him again?"

I wasn't sure where he was going with this but that change in his tone made me curious to what he had on his mind.

"When he got out of the hospital…it was the same day Bella told me I couldn't see him again…it was the same day I checked into rehab…" I could hear my voice shake a bit, that day had been awful, but it was also the day that somehow gave me the kick in the ass that I needed…the one that sent me to see Laurent, and Dr. Clearwater.

"What happened to him? And why did your wife tell you that you couldn't see him anymore?" There was no more writing on a clipboard, no more tapping of the pen against the desk. Dr. Clearwater simply crossed his arms in front of him and looked at me.

"Charlie was in an accident…it happened almost eleven months after my brother died…he was at his daycare…the kids were served cookies as a snack, no one knew at the time that Charlie was allergic to peanuts…deadly allergic…those cookies had peanuts in them, Charlie ate one and passed out…the daycare providers couldn't rouse him. He was rushed to the hospital…he was in a coma for a week…" I paused, trying to swallow the lump that suddenly formed in my throat. I knew the next part was going to be hard to say, normally I wouldn't have told Dr. Clearwater anything…kept it to myself…but today was different…everything was different…my mood, the weather, Dr. Clearwater's voice…all different.

"Go on…" Dr. Clearwater nodded, his eyes never leaving my face.

"There were over forty messages on my answering machine…and they kept coming until my machine wouldn't accept anymore…they were all from Bella…she kept on calling…even though I didn't answer…she kept on calling…trying to tell me that my son was in the hospital…that he might die…to hurry and get there…" I tore my eyes away from Dr. Clearwater's as shame filled my entire being. I still felt that shame, and I bet that Dr. Clearwater was going to start looking at me differently once he heard the next part.

"I wasn't even at my apartment that week…I was…at…a bar…I was in a bar drinking." I gave out this tiny sigh, trying to focus on something outside the window, there was nothing so I just started staring at this big drop of water that clung to the glass…watching it as it collected more and more moisture, getting fatter and fatter.

"For five days straight I was at a bar…I didn't bother to leave…to eat…to sleep…all I did was drink. And when I finally stumbled out into the rain and back to my apartment, I barely made it through the front door before I passed out on the floor. I think I woke up sometime the next day; it was nearly dark when I finally opened my eyes. I was going to drag myself to my bedroom when I saw the blinking light of the answering machine…for some reason I hit the button to hear the messages."

I could still hear the hysteria in Bella's voice…the fear and terror…the begging. It was loud and frantic…pleading and anxious…she kept calling out my name…over and over again…

The raindrop had finally collected enough water and began racing down the window, creating a blur as it made its way downward.

"Somehow I managed to make it out the door, and I'm not really sure how I got to the hospital…I can still see the double doors of the hospital entrance automatically opening for me, and the people around me gasping and frowning at my appearance. I remember yelling at the lady behind the welcome desk, screaming that my son was in here and I needed to see him…she had these wide, frightened eyes and reached for the phone…only she didn't call up to see what room he was in…she called security…these two big burly guys came right up to me and told me I had to leave…I started arguing with them…swearing at them…they grabbed me…"

I didn't tear my eyes away from that raindrop…I watched how it puddle up along the bottom frame of the window, creating a miniature river as it blended in with the other raindrops.

"I kept fighting with them…someone called the police…I was outnumbered and forced down on the ground…I think the police were debating whether to handcuff me or not, but when I looked up…there she was…standing there…completely horrified…with Charlie in her arms. He was okay…he looked just fine…almost as if he wasn't even a patient at the hospital…but I knew that he was…he was wearing those tiny hospital gowns, and had a tube coming out of his arm…my parents were standing right behind her…the same look on their faces. Bella turned and gave Charlie to my mother…."

The rain suddenly began coming down harder…it started hitting the window with much more force, making these tiny plinking sounds. Dr. Clearwater didn't seem to notice, but I did. I tried to rush through the last part…the most painful part.

"She marched right up to me, just as the police were picking me up off the floor. I tried to talk to her…but I wasn't making any sense…she just wrinkled her nose at me and turned her head away…told me not to come back…that I couldn't see my son anymore…"

Dr. Clearwater stared at me silently…expressionless. I was almost relieved that there wasn't a look of disgust on his face, but the longer he stared at me the more I began to realize that he was guessing there was more to the story than I was telling him…and there was…

"My son is in here! I want to see him!" I was screaming at the top of my lungs, pulling my body away from the security guards. They held onto me tightly, grunting against my force, turning their heads away from the smell of my breath.

"Charlie!" I hollered, "I need to see Charlie!" A few people had gathered around us, staring in disbelief at the scene before them. The police arrived and somehow I was down on the ground, my face pressed against the rough commercial carpet, both my hands held firmly behind my back. I kept on struggling, not giving up, raising my head off the ground to breathe. That's when I saw her, she looked so thin and pale…her cheeks gaunt and hollow, she must have been with Charlie all day and night, never leaving his side.

"Bella!" I gasped, trying to free my hand to reach for her. She took a tiny step back, placing her free hand over her mouth; her face contorted in pain…disbelief…

The police forced me down again, but I just pulled my head right back up. "Charlie! Is he okay?" My words were slow and slurred. Bella quickly turned and gave Charlie to my mother, her hands trembled, and I could see she was trying not to cry.

The police forced me up onto my feet; I couldn't keep my balance, my body hunched over as I stumbled over my own self.

She just walked right up to me, and when I looked into her eyes…all I saw was hatred…disgust…

"Get out of here." She spat at me, her eyes flashing in anger, "Get the hell out! I thought you still cared about him…even if you didn't care about me anymore…I thought you still cared about _him_. But you don't…you only care about_ yourself_…so get out of here Edward…I don't want to see you again…and I am sure as hell not letting you see Charlie again. We don't need you anymore…we'll be just fine without you."

And then she was gone…

And I spent the night in jail…

Dr. Clearwater didn't ask any more questions about that night, and I was glad. Instead he shifted the conversation away, taking me by surprise again.

"Do you still play music?" He furrowed his eyebrows at me, obviously deep in thought.

"Music? Uh…no…not anymore." I shook my head, still reeling from the memories of the hospital.

"Why not?" he tilted his head to the side again, still frowning.

"I…I don't know…I don't have my guitar with me…I…don't think I can…I don't know…" the words just tumbled out of me and I'm not sure I made any sense.

"And the last time you played?" he leaned forward then, placing his elbow down on his desk.

"The night my brother died." I half whispered.

"And you haven't played since then?" he lowered his voice as he studied me, "Do you miss playing?"

I just shook my head, feeling rattled by his questions. Trying not to panic at all the memories I was suddenly dealing with all at the same time.

"Will you do me a favor Mr. Cullen?" Dr. Clearwater began to rise from his seat and I glanced at the clock in surprise, our session was over already.

"Will you try to play something? Anything…maybe even write something…before your next session."

I just stared at him…dumbfounded. He wanted me to play music…and I wasn't sure why. "You don't need to show me…" he walked around his desk and over to me, "I just think it might make you feel better, that's all."

I looked up at him as I rose from my own seat; the corners of his eyes were slightly crinkled as he smiled at me. "Thank you for coming today Mr. Cullen…I'm glad you came…even in the rain…"

I think I left his office more confused than when I went in. Our conversation tossed and swirled in my head as I walked back to my apartment. I didn't even try to shield myself from the rain; it felt cool and refreshing against my face.

I turned my head upward facing the sky, welcoming the wetness against my skin, it made me feel alive…it had been a long time since I had felt alive…

The longer I walked the more I began to think about Charlie. Only three people knew that I hadn't touched another drop of liquor since that night at the hospital…three people…me, Laurent, and Dr. Clearwater…no one else, and I was starting to believe that maybe it was time other people found out.

If I could prove to Bella…and even my parents, that I was no longer a drunk, that I was trying to get help, maybe…just maybe…I could see my son again. And with that hope, I finally reached my apartment, more determined than ever to prove to everyone, the new man I had become…

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"This came for you today Edward." My mom didn't even bother to knock; she just walked right into my room, a bright smile on her face.

I frowned at her, more annoyed that she was invading my privacy than anything else, I mean, I could have been doing something private…not that I ever _did_ anything private in here…I just could have been doing something private, and she just barged right in.

"What is it?" The frown on my face was still showed my displeasure at her invasion of my room.

"It's a letter…from Emmett. It just came; I thought you might like it."

Knowing that my brother's words were in that envelope made all my unhappiness vanish in a blink of an eye, and I jumped up from my desk in a flash, extending my hand out to her, unable to contain my eagerness.

She just laughed at my reaction and placed the letter in my hand before giving me warm smile, "Dinner is almost ready…I expect you to join your dad and me in an hour."

I nodded, not tearing my eyes away from the letter, already trying to get it open. My mom left without another word, and I finally sat down on my bed, forcing my eyes to go over each word slowly, trying to savor every second I could.

_Hey Eddie!_

_How are you doing little bro? Mom tells me that you're moping around the house. It better not be because of me. I expect you to start acting like the man of the house and the big man on campus at school. Don't let anyone give you a hard time and if Newton gives you any hassle about his so called girl, tell him he should worry about Eric Yorkie. Rumor has it that Eric has been getting a little side action over at the bleachers after school while Newton is at Bball practice. Wink wink. _

_I'll be home for Thanksgiving; you can fill me in on all the juicy details when I get there. Hang in there Eddie, I won't be gone forever. Give mom and dad a hug for me._

_Later,_

_Emmett_

My eyes moved over the words more than once…how my brother always knew what was going on with me never failed to take me by surprise. And he always…always…knew just what to say.

I slipped his letter in a small old shoebox I had stored at the bottom of my clothes closet. Over time, that box would become quite full…

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For some reason I was restless tonight, maybe because for once, it had stopped raining. The sky was still grey with clouds, but they had stopped their assault for the time being. Tired of being cooped up in my apartment I decided to head out…I could go for a burger, much to my amazement, or a pizza sounded good.

The pavement was already beginning to dry as I made my way downtown. The air always smelled so fresh and clean after a rain. I liked it, and I breathed in a great big breath, trying to fill my lungs with as much fresh air as I could.

The longer I walked the stronger my hunger grew, until finally, I felt ravenous…literally starving. I pushed my way through the double doors of the fast food place, my stomach growling at the smell of burgers and fries. I should get a milkshake too, I might regret it later on tonight, but right now, all I wanted to do was eat.

The line was short, and the cashier was a nice old lady who looked at me and took my order with warm friendly eyes. I felt like hugging her…for treating me like a normal human being…for smiling at me when no one would.

After pondering longer than I should have over whether to get strawberry or vanilla for my milkshake, I finally had my tray of food in hand. I weaved through some of the other people, a couple of families…a lady with a toddler, until I found a small table near the back, out of the way. It would let me eat in peace, and I would be able to watch the people too.

The first bite was beyond delicious, and so was the second, I nearly finished that burger in three bites. I chewed slowly, trying to savor the taste, wondering why I had ever stopped loving food…loving anything really…

The toddler was crying now, he wanted to get down from his high chair…the mom looked exasperated, her food hardly touched. I felt bad for her, wondering why she didn't have any help, it dawned on me then, that Bella must be going through the same thing whenever she took Charlie out to eat, no one there to help her.

The thought of that must have cursed me, because at that second three people walked through the doors.

Whatever appetite I had left immediately left my being. What I saw was innocent enough…Charlie being carried in Bella's arms, giggling and smiling, pointing to the kids meal sign. Bella looked beautiful as always, her hair pulled up into a simple ponytail, tied up with a yellow ribbon, her jeans and sweatshirt hugging her body tightly. Actually, maybe not that tightly, her clothes did seem to hang off of her a little bit, she was so thin…too thin. But her face wore a smile as she pulled Charlie close and whispered in his ear. I wanted to ignore the third person, but of course I couldn't. Jake was there too, he stood proudly by her side, a broad smile on his face.

I couldn't blame him, I would be smiling like that too if I was standing next to her. He didn't touch her, instead he ordered for the three of them, gallantly swooping them away to a table on the far end, settling them all down with their food. They laughed and talked while they ate, enjoying each other's presence. The longer I watched, the more I began to think…

That what if Jake was the person Bella really needed…what if Jake was the person who was meant to be with her. He obviously made her happy, made her smile…loved her…and I kept watching them, even though I probably shouldn't have, I couldn't tear my eyes away, thankful that they couldn't see me spying on them from behind the large fake potted plants.

"Have another fry baby." She was offering Charlie a small piece of french fry. Charlie turned his head away from her, wrinkling his nose.

"Maybe he wants a piece of hamburger." Jake tore a small piece of bun from the top of his burger and extended his hand to Charlie. Charlie watched it carefully, his small eyes moving from the bread to Jake's face. He smiled brightly.

"Daddy!" he cried snatching up the bread. Bella's head snapped up at the same time as my heart sunk. Jake grinned and nearly nodded in agreement with Charlie.

_Breathe…breathe…breathe…_I repeated over and over in my mind. _Don't let it hurt you…he's not even two…just breathe Edward…_

"No." Bella's voice was quite firm. She placed her hand on Charlie's arm, and he turned to her giggling his small baby giggle. "No, Charlie, _not daddy_. This is Jake."

My heart began pounding harder…my ears straining to hear every word she said.

"_Not daddy_, Charlie…Jake."

Charlie giggled again and shoved the piece of bread into his mouth. Bella didn't say anything else, and Jake sat rigid in his chair, not moving, no readable expression on his face.

It was like something shifted in my universe, my eyes suddenly saw what they couldn't see before. Bella's hair slid over her shoulder as she leaned forward to clean Charlie up, and my eyes focused on the bright yellow ribbon she had tied in her hair. The color made her skin glow and her eyes sparkle, and I was more in love with her that moment, than I had ever been…

I was still sitting there nearly an hour after they left…my mind going over and over what I had seen today…what I had talked to Dr. Clearwater about…what I wanted out of my life…what I wanted for my future. Dr. Clearwater had told me weeks ago that it was time to fight, but it was barely making sense in my brain now, what he meant.

_Will you do me a favor Mr. Cullen?_ Dr. Clearwater's words drifted through my head as I cleared the papers off of my tray into the garbage can.

Dr. Clearwater wanted me to play something or maybe even write something. The thought of having a guitar grace my hands again suddenly appealed to me stronger than ever. I knew I couldn't go back to my old house for my guitar, so instead I made my way over to a secondhand music store that stood on the corner of Third Street. The smell of sheet music and polishing oils filled my head and made my mouth turn up at the familiarity of it all.

I lingered in front of the sheet music for a while, checking out all the different songs they had that I could practice with. None of them captured my interest…called out to me…so after ten minutes had gone by, I wandered away over to the instruments.

I knew the one I wanted before I even reached it. This guitar did call out to me…immediately…once my fingers closed over the neck; I knew I had to have it. It was a Roger McGuinn guitar…just like the one Bella had. I stroked the guitar gently, checking for any flaws or nicks in the wood. There were none, it was perfect.

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"I told you to stay the fuck away from my girl Cullen."

I tried avoiding Mike all day at school today but he had finally caught up with me after the last bell. I was heading for my locker to grab my math book before going home. I felt his fingers close over the back of my shirt, jerking me backwards.

I spun around in surprise, trying to get Mike to let go. "Hey!" I yelled, pulling my shoulder away from him. He just lunged for me again, grabbing the strap of my backpack, making me lose my balance, I sprawled forward, my body falling onto Mike's.

"Fuck Cullen, get off of me!" he slammed me against the lockers with both hands, I could see the other kids turning to look and point at us. The heat began to rise in my body, and when I looked up into Newton's eyes, something snapped.

"What the hell Newton!" I took a step forward, trying to make my voice as deep and threatening as I could. "I don't even know who the fuck your girl is."

Newton gave out this little huff, his eyes glaring at me. I narrowed my own eyes back at him, "You don't even know who she's screwing around with, do you?"

He blinked in surprise before trying to regain his composure, fisting his hands at his sides. "And I suppose you do?" he sneered.

I just laughed sarcastically, throwing my head back, "Yeah I do…and so does half the school."

"You're full of it Cullen." His voice was still tough but his eyes began to shift around him wildly, he started to notice the audience we had attracted.

"Maybe you should ask your girl…" I mocked, "Or better yet ask Yorkie, you'll probably find him behind the bleachers."

The boys standing next to me began to snicker, and a couple of the girls giggled at my words.

Newton didn't know what to say…he just opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Then he half snorted, half guffawed before walking past me, most likely heading for the bleachers…

I was still grinning when I reached my house… _Thanks Emmett_…I thought.

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I've been holding that Roger McGuinn guitar in my hands for an hour now and still haven't played a chord. I just keep holding it…staring at it…wondering if I am going to be able to do this.

It's harder than I thought…everything looks just right…the strings are all tight…the wood is gleaming under the living room lights…it's begging me to be played…and I am afraid…

Afraid that the nightmares will return if I play…afraid that my heart will break even more if I play…afraid that it isn't going to make one damn bit of difference if I play…

So I keep staring at it…trying to find some sort of inspiration…something that would make me want to play…

And for some odd reason that yellow ribbon that Bella wore in her hair pops into my brain…I close my eyes, trying to take my time, trying not to search for it, trying to let it come to me…and I think of…

_Bella_…her beautiful skin…and all the things she stands for…

_Stars_…how they shine with brightness…as if they shine, just for her…

And everything that I have done in the past…and everything that I would do in the future…for her…

Slowly…little by little…the song comes…and I write it all down…everything that comes to my mind…I write it all down…

I stay up until five am, it is the first night I stay up nearly all night…but not because I am drinking…but because I am writing…a song…Bella's song…

And I call it…

Yellow…

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**Please review if you are enjoying this story so far. Your words mean so much to me!**

**See you at the next chapter...Yellow...**

**MBella**


	8. Yellow

**Good to see you all again! I hope everyone is enjoying the weekend. It's the end of the school year for my girls so I have been swamped with so many activities besides work, but I promise you once summer hits (one week of school left) the updates should be faster. :)**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I do not.**

**Chapter 8**

**Yellow**

**Enjoy!**

**...*****************************************************************************************************************************************************

_I came along_  
_I wrote a song for you_  
_And all the things you do_  
_And it was called 'Yellow'_

_...**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************_

"What time are you going to see her tonight?"

Emmett and I were walking past all the rows of floral arrangements and helium filled balloons, it was crowded at the shop, lots of women, and even a few men. The smell of roses and carnations wafted through the air.

"I told her seven…the reservation is at eight…that should give her enough time in case she's running late." I picked up a red rose and inspected it, lifting it to my nose for a second before placing it back down into the bucket; I didn't think Bella would care for red roses anyways.

"You should have told her six thirty…if she's anything like Rose, she will keep you waiting at least an hour." Emmet chuckled, wrinkling his nose at the pink lily I was holding out to him. He shook his head _no_, "Too dainty."

I was lucky Emmett was here with me, he had taken the day off work just to come shopping with me. We had already bought the expensive part of the gift, now we were just browsing for the perfect flowers to go with it.

He walked around this large display of fancy vases, disappearing behind another heart shaped balloon before peeking his head back out at me, "What's her favorite color?"

I glanced up at him, cocking my head to the side, "I'm pretty sure it's yellow."

"Then I think these will be perfect." He thrust a huge bouquet of yellow tulips right in my face. They were wrapped up in glimmering paper and in perfect bloom. They smelled absolutely wonderful. I gave Emmett a big grin and reached for the flowers.

"Bella's gonna love these." I was nearly bouncing on my toes with excitement. I could almost picture the look on her face when I gave her these.

"The only thing Bella's gonna love tonight, is _you_, little brother." He winked at me.

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

I was nervous the entire walk to the park. I had some sort of half assed plan formed in my head but I really didn't know exactly what I was going to say, or how Bella was going to react. Still I kept walking…I had waited long enough.

The air around me was warm, it was a perfect sunny day, people were all out in their shorts and tank tops. A few kids were roller skating down the sidewalk, laughing with each other; their laughter made me smile to myself and gave me that extra bit of courage that I needed to finish what I had to do.

They were already there when I arrived. My eyes flew over the park quickly, spotting them over in the sandbox. I gave a little prayer of thanks that it was just the two of them today. Charlie was sitting in the middle of the sand with Bella at his side. Both were completely engrossed in the bucket they were filling. Charlie was scooping it up with both hands, most of it running out through his fingers, he laughed and giggled, trying to fill the bucket. Bella was using a tiny shovel to help Charlie fill his bucket faster, she chuckled with him, encouraging him to dig through the sand.

Seeing them made me slow down, my eyes darting around me nervously for something to duck behind. I didn't want them to see me just yet.

I lingered near the hot dog stand, behind the big yellow umbrella, just watching them for a while. They both looked happy and relaxed.

As the minutes ticked by I realized that this was actually the perfect opportunity to go up to them. No one else was around to interfere; no one else was around to hear if she would tell me to get the hell away from her.

Little by little I inched forward, weaving through the park, probably taking the longest route I could, to reach them.

My heart was pounding right out of my chest when I finally allowed myself to stand right out in the open, right where they could see me.

Bella looked up first, her eyes widened in surprise as she saw me, her hand frozen on the shovel. She didn't say anything, just kept staring. Charlie kept right on scooping up the sand, oblivious to what was going on between his parents.

I found myself stepping into the sandbox, looking down at both of them. Bella didn't take her eyes off of me, her gaze flew across my face, down my torso, and then back up to my eyes, as if she were trying to convince herself that I was really there.

The plan I had worked on during the walk here flew right out of my head, and I panicked for a couple of seconds trying to think of something to say. Some older kids to my right started shrieking about who made it to the swings first…it sent a spark though me, and I took a deep breath and opened my mouth…

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"You're early!" Bella was giving me this great big smile as I stood at her apartment door. It was only six-fifteen but I was already there, my tie straight…my shirt pressed…my hair combed, but somehow still sticking up in all directions.

I don't think I've ever been this nervous before. Bella was wearing this fluffy, white robe, tied up at her waist, her hair still wrapped in a towel. She looked just perfect, all sparkly and flushed; she was holding the ties of her robe, twirling the ends in her fingers.

I thrust out the huge bouquet of yellow tulips to her, "I know. I thought you might be ready. It's okay, I can wait." I gave her this sheepish smile, trying not to let her see the sudden surge of desire that had washed over me. My eyes focused on her fingers as they flipped the white pieces of cotton around and around her pinky finger. I wanted to grab those ties and pull them open…I wanted to bring her close to me and whisper in her ear that we could stay in…that I didn't mind…I could give her the surprise later on…

But I didn't, instead, I finally met her eyes and gave her another smile.

"Oh! They're beautiful! Thank you!" She brought the flowers to her face, breathing in their scent, "Come on in…give me a few minutes and I'll try to hurry." She gestured me in, "You can wait in the living room; the remote is on the coffee table." She headed quickly to the kitchen and emerged with a large vase filled with water, and carefully placed the tulips inside, she flashed me another smile as I settled down on her sofa.

Once the flowers were safely in place she disappeared into her bedroom. Nothing on the television set interested me, so I left it off and fiddled with the black velvet case in my pocket instead. Six-thirty came and went…no Bella…six forty-five…no Bella…six fifty-five…no Bella…I was starting to break out into a sweat at seven-ten when she still hadn't made her appearance. I considered calling the restaurant to see if they could push back the reservation an hour, when suddenly there she was…standing at the entrance to the living room, giving me this sweet little smile that made my heart jump.

"Sorry to keep you waiting…" she began, but I wasn't listening…all I could see were those beautiful bare shoulders, and miles of long legs in this pretty yellow dress she was wearing. Her hair was bouncing around her face in a million and one curls, shining under the lights. There was this dainty white pearl necklace around her neck on a gold chain, it made her skin glow. She looked absolutely radiant.

I think it took me longer than a minute to say anything, I couldn't find my voice. When she realized that I was speechless she gave out this small giggle and held out her hand to me.

"Where are we going tonight Edward? Do I look okay?"

I finally took a deep breath and grinned at her, grabbing her hand, "You look beautiful. Come on let's go."

"Where are we going?" She asked again, reaching behind her for her purse that was hanging on a hook by the closet.

"To eat." I said with feigned innocence. She just rolled her eyes at me and laughed.

"Edward Cullen…" she complained, "You are impossible…"

I just chuckled at her, opening her door, and leading her down the steps. "You look good in yellow." I changed the subject. "You look good in anything…"

…...********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"Hi." It was really the only thing I could think of at the moment, "Can I sit with you?"

She just kept on staring at me, some of the sand was falling off her shovel, Charlie let out this excited baby giggle which jerked her to attention.

She didn't talk, just gestured with a wave of her hand that I could join her. I lowered myself beside her, careful not to get too close, to still give her plenty of space.

Charlie noticed me then, his small brown eyes met mine, he leaned closer to Bella, his eyes washing over me warily, he was sizing me up…making sure I wasn't a "bad" guy. I smiled at him, wanting to scoop him up in my arms and hug him.

"Hi Charlie." I kept my voice light. His little eyebrows wrinkled together and his head tilted to the side as he kept watching me, but then, I guess in his little mind, he decided that I was _okay_, and he gave me a shy grin, still leaning close to Bella.

"Here baby…" Bella was handing the shovel to Charlie. He became entranced with it immediately, and began digging into the sand with it.

Bella turned to look at me, she had this…_well…what do you want_…look on her face.

I took a deep breath, I really wanted to say the perfect things…the things that would make her understand how sorry I was…and how far I had come…but I knew, there were no magic words that would change everything in one conversation…I knew no matter what I said today…there was no changing what I had said to her in the past…what I had put her through.

"He's gotten so big." I decided to keep the conversation focused on Charlie, the coward that I was…"How has he been?"

"He's been just fine. Growing like a weed." Her voice was careful…guarded. She suddenly wouldn't look me in the eyes anymore, and stared at the bucket of sand instead.

"He looks great…happy…" my voice trailed off as I watched my son inspect a small rock he had found in the sand, his eyes were a brownish green, a combination of me and Bella. His messy brown hair was already falling over his eyes, and he pushed it back in frustration. He must have gotten that hair from me…

"He surprises me every day with something new he's learned…and he's quite the chatterbox when he wants to be." There was pride in her voice as she spoke, and I could see it in her eyes, the love, as she spoke about him.

"Have you taught him to play?" The question had been burning a hole in my pocket since I began watching them at the park; I wanted so badly to know if she was passing on our love of music to our son.

"What?" She finally looked up at me, "No…I haven't…I'm waiting for…" she stopped herself then, kept watching me, her eyes narrowed, "What are you doing here Edward?"

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

I think Bella was beginning to suspect why I had brought her here. She was giggling more than usual, sitting across from me at the restaurant. It was pretty dark in there; tiny candles were flickering at each table, making small shadows fly across our faces. Small roses floated in a glass bowl of water as the centerpiece.

I picked the fanciest place I could find…well…Emmett told me about this place. He said Rose loved to eat here…it was so romantic. I figured Bella would love it as well, but as the evening wore on, we both found ourselves stifling our laughs at the serious tone of our waiter, and at the fancy, elaborate words he used to describe the main courses. Even though we only ordered sodas to drink with our meals, they were poured into crystal glasses with tiny round ice cubes, and the napkins were shaped like some kind of swan or something, which Bella promptly tried to make fly.

By the end of the evening I think our waiter wanted us out of there…I could almost see him rolling his eyes at us as soon as he turned his back. Bella wanted to take these miniature carrots home to show Alice. They looked just like a regular carrot but were only like four inches long, the leaves included. I found it quite amusing.

But this wasn't the place where I was going to do it…it was just the place to eat. Once we were done, and our waiter probably breathing a sigh of relief, I took her over to the music store.

We had a great time…browsing through the sheet music…trying to find our favorites. Bella was engrossed in one of the books there…it held all the classical songs…and I knew she would stay there for a few minutes.

I headed for the guitars, trying to find the perfect one. I had to stare down this little kid who didn't want to budge from the guitar section, he kept strumming all the guitars, plucking at their strings, and I didn't want him there when Bella got there. Oh he tried of course, to win our stare war, but I kept looking at him…almost glaring…until his mom called him over. He stuck his tongue out at me before he left, but I didn't care, I was just glad he was gone.

Carefully, I took out the ring from the case. My eyes flew over the guitars quickly, trying to find the perfect one, the one she would reach for first. I found it easily…it would be the wooden one for sure…the one with 12 strings…that's the one…the one that would call to her.

It was easy enough…I had to stand there guarding the guitar for a few minutes…making sure that freaky kid didn't come back…or anyone else with a sudden urge for a new guitar.

"What are you looking at?" She was finally coming over…probably wondering why I was dancing around the guitar section like a crazed man.

"Just checking these out…" I shrugged my shoulders, shoving my hands into my coat pockets, trying not to let her see how nervous I was.

"Oh…these are pretty…look at the blue one…electric…" her eyes flew over the bottom row of guitars. I just raised my eyebrows with false interest and nodded my head.

"I like this one too…" She kept going on…I was beginning to think she would never look up…her fingers grazed another guitar on the bottom row…I was just about to give in and tell her which one to look at, when finally, it caught her eye.

"Now this is a beauty." Her eyes lit up as she reached for it, stretching her arm out, she hadn't seen it yet. I kept watching her carefully, my eyes never leaving her face. She saw it right before her fingers closed around the neck, her eyes grew wider than I had ever seen them, and she jerked her hand back with a loud gasp.

Her head turned to me in surprise, her mouth open. I was smiling at her…this great big, proud smile…trying to tell her with my eyes, that yes, this was for her.

"Edward…" she squeaked, all shaky and loud. I just chuckled at her…the kid who had been dogging me turned around from the cash register where he had been standing with his mom; he noticed our exchange and wrinkled his nose at us…it just made me laugh harder.

"Is that what I think it is?" her voice sounded like a cartoon and her hands flew to her mouth, she was so stunned and excited at the same time…

I smiled at her again, nodding, lowering myself down on one knee…

…..*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"I…I just wanted to see you…to see Charlie…" I tried not to stumble over my words. Bella suddenly looked pissed, and not shy at all.

"Why?" She lifted up her hand in annoyance, "What for? What do you want?"

"I…because…" now I was stuttering, "I…thought…we could…talk."

"_Talk_?" She began dusting sand off of her shorts, "_Now _you want to talk?" Her eyes met mine, and I could see how tired she looked. "Well I think it's a little late for talking…"

"Bella…I…I know. I'm sorry…but there are some things I want to tell you…some things that you don't know…" I could hear the pleading in my voice, I wanted so badly to see the love again in her eyes…the love I saw so many times in our past…the day we got married…the day our son was born…

"What _don't_ I know Edward? Tell me? Because all I _do know_ is that _you_ are the man who left me and your son…the man who told me to get away from him…the man who showed up drunk when his son was in the hospital…the man who doesn't love us anymore."

I just starred at her, at loss for words, because she was exactly right…except for the last sentence…the one that meant the most…

"I think you should go." Her words weren't harsh, just final.

"Please…" I tried again, "I know I did so much wrong…but please…if we could just talk…"

Her eyes washed over me again, I could see the pain there…underneath the anger…and it made me ache so bad…I wanted to erase that from her eyes so bad.

"Not here…" she started gathering up her things, "This isn't the place to talk. You can't do this here."

I fought down a brief moment of panic as she reached for Charlie. She was going to leave…I wasn't going to get my chance. Charlie didn't fuss at all when he saw Bella reach for him, he happily raised his arms to her to be picked up.

"Wh…where?" I was begging again, wondering if this was it…the last opportunity to talk to her…gone.

She looked at me sharply then, her eyes full of mistrust, "If you want to talk to _me_, then you know where to find me, but not here…not at the park…not with all these people around."

Something small and sweet began to grow inside me…was she saying what I thought she was saying?

"When?" I was looking up at her, kneeling in the sand, still half confused with what she was saying, she was standing with Charlie in her arms, her hair blowing softly around her. I could see it again, the tiny strip of yellow fabric blending in with her hair, it flew around her before resting against the side of her head.

"It's just going to be Charlie and me at dinner tonight…" she looked down at me carefully, "Jake has other plans…it'll just be us two…"

My mood was swinging wildly at her words…one second full of hope…one second crushed…it was making me dizzy. But I was going to take what I could get…whatever she offered me…I was going to take.

"Do you…do you need anything?" My voice was shaking…I could hear it, I'm sure she could hear it as well.

She stayed silent for a minute, before shaking her head no. Charlie rested his head against her shoulder, his eyes just watching me. She moved her free hand up to his back and rubbed it gently before turning away from me.

"Bella…" I said softly, wishing she didn't want to get away from me so quickly, she didn't turn all the way around, just sort of looked over her shoulder, "Thank you."

I thought I saw her take a deep breath then, but I could've been wrong, because she turned around again and walked away.

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"Will you marry me?" I was looking up at her, and the sight before me was just breathtaking…the woman I was asking to be my wife was bouncing on her tiptoes, smiling up a storm, her hands covering half her face, blushing a deep red.

She let out this half scream, half whoop, and reached both hands out to me, laughing and nodding yes at the same time.

I slid the diamond ring on her finger, gathering her up in my arms and swinging her around and around, right there in the middle of the music store. Some of the other customers noticed our exchange and began clapping for us. Even the mom of the troublemaking kid was clapping.

This was the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with…she was the answer to my prayers…the mother of my unborn children…the greatest accomplishment in my life…she was everything.

There was only one other time when I felt this great, and that was when I slid the band on her finger on our wedding day…that was the only other time I saw her look at me the same way she looked at me at the music store.

And when we made love back at her apartment, it felt like the first time, soft, loving, exploring. Her quiet moans and deep kisses made me thrust into her over and over again. The way her hands felt on my chest, her legs wrapped around my waist, my name tumbling from her lips…it sent me soaring high…made me just want her more.

We were going to start a whole new chapter in our lives…one that was going to be magical... nothing we could ever imagine… beyond our wildest dreams…it would be everything we ever wanted…and even though we never thought it would…it would hurt us…tear us apart…making it the hardest thing we would ever go through…

…..*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

The sun had already gone down when I reached the doorstep. She had left the porch light on, so I wasn't in the dark. I lingered at the door, wondering what she was doing on the other side, unsure if I should be holding what I was holding in my right hand. It felt weird ringing the doorbell to my own house…one that I had opened and walked right in so many times before.

I could hear the soft tapping of footsteps and the rattle of the chain as she unlocked the door. She peeked out at me as she opened the door; it sent a wave of memories through me, and a fresh wave of pain for all that I had lost.

"Hi." She almost smiled…almost.

"Hi." For some reason I felt shy…like twelve year old grammar school boy shy.

"Come in." she pulled the door open wider to let me in.

I stepped into my house, my eyes looking all around the room, searching out familiar sights. Everything still looked the same…same foyer table…same crystal vase…same picture of Charlie at birth…I was still looking when I noticed her take a tiny step back with a small gasp.

She had seen what I was holding…it wasn't meant to hurt her…just to remind her…but I guess I didn't think it all the way through…because I realized that it did hurt her…I could see the sadness flash through her face, and her eyes water.

"I'm sorry…" I quickly apologized, taking a step towards her, "I saw it and thought of you…I thought you might like it." My hand thrust out, holding the yellow tulip, offering it to her.

She turned away so I couldn't see her eyes, but held out her hand at the same time. "Thank you." Her voice was strained, I placed the flower in her hand, and she quickly walked away from me, heading for the kitchen.

"Charlie is napping…" she said quickly as I followed her, "He doesn't usually nap this late but I guess the park really wore him out." She rummaged through the cabinet until she found a small glass vase; she filled it with water and placed the tulip inside.

Her eyes finally met mine then…the sadness was still there…and the tiredness…it made me feel so guilty, I had done this to her…to us…

"That's okay…" I reassured her, "He needs his rest."

"Why don't you come out to the back, I have the baby monitor on, we have new patio furniture…" She moved quickly through the house, taking me back to the french doors that led to the backyard. The patio, that had been empty when I lived there, was now decked out really nice. Strings of colored lights strung all around the top, pretty wicker furniture with colorful seat pads graced the center, making it look more like a dining room then an outdoor room.

"This is nice…" I glanced around.

"Thank you…Jake picked it out." The words hung heavy in the air.

I could feel my throat tightening, "Does he come here a lot?" I really…_really_ tried to keep my voice neutral, but just couldn't.

Bella looked at me again quietly before answering, "Yes…he does." She tilted her head to the side as if she were waiting to see my reaction.

I didn't want to start our first conversation this way…it would end badly; I knew that…I wanted to avoid that. So I went around the wicker coffee table over to one of the chairs and sat down nonchalantly, "Tell him I said he has good taste."

This time she smiled at me…I mean really smiled…almost giggled, and I smiled back at her, watching her as she settled down onto the chair opposite from me. A couple of small birds flew around the lights, making tiny shadows fly across our faces, just like candlelight, it was almost magical. Her voice changed…softer…lighter, than before…

"So…" Her eyes never left my face, they were warm…almost loving, "How have you been Edward?"

...******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**Have a magical weekend everyone! **

**See you at the next chapter...**

**Bigger...Stronger...**

**MBella :)**


	9. Bigger Stronger

**Good to see you everyone! I have been a slacker I know...sorry...ducking and hiding. The summer has been busier than I thought it would be. But...I promise you, things will be getting a bit hotter for E and B now...so don't flounce just yet! LOL**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I do not.**

**Now...on to Chap 9..._Bigger... Stronger_...**

**Enjoy!**

**...************************************************************************************************************************************************

_I think I want to change my altitude_

_I think I want to change my position_

_I think I want to change my atmosphere_

_Bigger and better_

_Bigger and better_

…..******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"Come on score!"

"Block him! Keep your hands up!"

"Don't let him take it away!"

The basketball game was going on in full force. I could see Emmett dribbling the ball down the court, determination written all over his face.

It was so loud in the high school gym as I made my way up towards the bleachers. The noise reminded me of why I hated coming to any of these obnoxious events. My ears were ringing with all the mayhem, making me feel a little dizzy. I scanned the seats looking for a place to sit, wondering if my parents had arrived yet. I didn't see them, so I headed over to the right side of the bleachers, near the band.

I was here to see my brother play. His team was number one in their division and Emmett told me that if they won today's game they would go on to play in the championship game. It was one of those all or nothing games. The winner would advance…the loser, go home empty handed.

Just as I was about to sit down, everyone jumped up onto their feet cheering, I craned my head around to see what the fuss was about. The referee was signaling a basket, his arms up in the air.

Emmett was surrounded by his teammates, whooping and hollering, all thumping him on his back. The score was still too close to call the game over, so I settled down in my seat and let my eyes wander around the court. Emmett only had time for a quick gulp from his water bottle before running back out onto the court. When he reached the center one of his teammates and closest buddies high fived him, I could feel myself sigh heavily…even though I had no reason to…I couldn't stand Emmett's basketball buddy.

Like something out of a TV show, my brother Emmett and Jake Black were the most popular, sought after guys on campus these days. They were the top players on their high school basketball team. A crowd usually followed them around wherever they went, the phone at my house was constantly ringing, the girls never stopped calling. They were invited to every single party known to man, and they were always together. That was the worst part. Jake Black was _always_ at my house, either outside in the backyard playing basketball with Emmett or holed up in Em's room listening to this horrible thumping rock music that made my walls shake, sometimes not coming out for hours.

Emmett hardly had time for anyone anymore, his days were filled school and practices, hanging out with his friends, and talking to girls on the phone. The weekends were worse, Jake practically lived at my house on the weekends…not leaving me a single minute to talk to Em.

Emmett didn't purposely ignore me…he tried to drag me along with him, wherever he and Jake were going, but I always refused.

"Eddie! Jake and I are heading out to the skate park, wanna come hang with us?" Emmett peeked his head around the corner of my bedroom door.

I just shook my head no, keeping my book up near my face so neither of them could see my frown.

"Are you sure Eddie? I'll let you borrow my skateboard."

I could see Jake's head, behind Em's shoulder; he was rolling his eyes at me. It just made me angry.

"No thanks Em…I have homework to do."

I could see Em hesitating at the doorway…probably feeling guilty…of course that was worse, I didn't want Em to feel obligated to take me everywhere.

"The new guy in my class said he might come over today." I kept talking, not looking up from my book. I wasn't lying. Jasper Whitlock was new, he had showed up in my class Monday, he got assigned to the empty desk next to mine. He was the opposite of me, in looks...and in attitude. He would sitt lazily in his seat, raising his hand in bored fashion every time Mr. Uley asked a question, flashing his southern smile to all the girls. He was confidant...so sure of himself.

By the end of the day I was in awe how easily he managed to fit in with the crowd, something that had taken me years to accomplish.

For some reason he took a liking to me, managed to extract most of my life story out of me during lunch, and invited himself over to my house during the weekend.

"Oh yeah?" Em brightened up considerably, pushing himself away from the door, "That's cool Eddie, what's his name?"

"Jasper…Jasper Whitlock…" but Emmett was already gone…

….*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"I talked to Bella yesterday…" I was dying to tell someone, and who better than Dr. Clearwater, he was really surprised at my outburst, his clipboard almost slipped from his hands and his eyes went really wide.

"Really Mr. Cullen? You talked to your wife?"

"Yes." I smiled at him…pleased with his reaction, "I even went to our house…uhh…_her_ house."

"How did it go?" Dr. Clearwater leaned forward in his chair. The corners of his eyes were slightly crinkled.

"Okay." I tried not to grin. The evening had been playing over and over in my head all night long. I hardly slept after leaving our house. I tossed and turned, my brain going over every single detail, every single word we'd spoken, trying to find any hidden meanings I might have missed.

Bella and I talked for nearly an hour until Charlie woke from his nap, and then I was able to spend the last forty minutes with Charlie. It felt like something out of a dream, and I never wanted it to end…

"How have you been Edward?" Bella's eyes were warm…the moonlight was bouncing off her hair…the air calm and quiet. I was almost in a trance…

"I've been…okay." I managed to get out before the fog took over my brain. I was getting lost in her eyes…and they were welcoming me in…

"Were you two able to talk about the progress you've made?" I could hear Dr. Clearwater's voice somewhere in the background, "Huh?" My head snapped up to his, "Well…um…we didn't really talk too much about me." I started. Even though Bella had asked how I had been, I managed to turn the conversation mostly about her and Charlie, trying to soak up every little detail that I had missed from their lives.

Dr. Clearwater just stared at me; I could almost see the disappointment. "Why not Mr. Cullen? Why didn't you tell her about you?"

I shrugged, "I wanted to know more about _her_…what she's been up to…how Charlie has been."

Dr. Clearwater gave out this little sigh, he was obviously not happy that I hadn't talked to Bella about me…and the truth of the matter was, that I was still scared…scared to put my heart out there, for fear of being crushed. I wasn't sure I could take that kind of heartache again.

"You look… better…" Bella was choosing her words carefully, I could tell. She continued to watch me…as if she were trying to get a better handle on herself. "Do you go to the park often? Charlie and I haven't seen you there before. We go…we go there every Monday."

I didn't tell her that I already knew that, instead I shifted the conversation over to my son, "I try to go when the weather is nice…" I began, "Does Charlie like the park?"

"Oh, he loves it…the swings are his favorite."

I bit back to urge to tell her about the time I saw Jake pushing him on the swings. "You've done so great with him Bella." I just kept staring into her eyes, wishing I could tell her everything that was in my heart, everything that I was holding back.

"Thank you." Her voice was strangely quiet. She broke our gaze and looked down onto her hands. I wasn't sure if I had said the wrong thing…

"Okay," Dr. Clearwater sighed again, snapping me out of my trance, "how is Mrs. Cullen? How is your son?"

Hearing him say Mrs. Cullen sent a little shiver through me, how I longed to be able to call her that again.

"She seems to be just fine…" I avoided looking at Dr. Clearwater, "Just like Charlie…"

What I didn't tell Dr. Clearwater about Bella was that when I watched her talk, it was as if I was spiraling back into time…just the way she would gaze off into the distance as she told me about our son. How her fingers played with the zipper of the cushion she was sitting on…

"He knows how to work the radio…" Bella was smiling off into space, "he likes the rock station." She chuckled as I let out an alarmed gasp of disbelief.

"Rock? Bella…" I couldn't hide my surprise, "_Really_?"

She chuckled again…it was contagious, I found myself half laughing with her.

"There's something about the fast thumping of the drums, or those high pitched screeching sounds of the electric guitar that appeal to him I guess…" She was trying to explain.

I just wrinkled my nose at her.

It was then that Charlie's small cry came over the baby monitor, ending most of our personal conversation. The night had still been magical…Charlie was all smiles, happy and refreshed from his nap. He even toddled over to me and stood by my leg as I tried to engage him in conversation.

"You like the drums huh, little guy?" I used my friendliest voice, nodding my head at him. He just giggled at me, his big brown eyes watching my every move.

Bella didn't move from her chair, she just sat quietly and watched us, with what I hoped was love in her eyes.

As I kept talking to him, Charlie seemed to warm up to me, he even placed his chubby little hand on my knee. I patted his hand gently, my heart swelling with happiness. This was more than I ever imagined it would be.

We didn't talk about Jake again, but I could still feel his presence there…it hung over us silently, almost challenging me, but I knew…that when I was ready to take on Jake…I needed to be bigger…stronger.

…***************************************************************************************************************************************************************

I never told Emmett what Jake did to me that night. I guess I sort of felt like it was my fault. I shouldn't have gone in the first place, but I was feeling lonely that night. I wanted to hang out with my big brother, but of course Jake was around.

"It'll be fun, come on." Emmett was practically dragging me out the door, "Mom and Dad said it was okay."

I tried halfheartedly to pull away, "I don't wanna go to Jake's house." I mumbled, "It's boring there."

"It won't be boring, not tonight. It's his birthday, some friends are coming over." Emmett wasn't really listening to my argument; he had already made up his mind.

I could tell the minute I stepped foot in his house, that Jake didn't want me there. He gave Emmett this look, _you're bringing him here?_

Em pulled him over to the corner, where I couldn't hear them, and lectured him or something. Jake just sort of glared at me but didn't say anything.

Before long there were all kinds of kids partying in Jake's house. Booze was being passed around; the guys got louder, the girls more giggly. Jake was too busy socializing, so he wasn't stuck to Em's side, he was especially enjoying all the girls swarming around him, one hanging onto each arm.

Em stayed close to me for a while, told me not to drink anything, and got me a can of coke. I was actually having a good time standing with Em, watching all the other kids make fools of themselves, until one of his other buddies challenged him to a one on one basketball game in Jake's backyard. There was a crowd out in the back. He left me standing near a small peach tree, warning me to stay right there, not to go anywhere, but after a while I got bored, and restless, and besides, I had to pee, so I headed back inside, trying to find my way around Jake's house, looking for the bathroom.

"Hey little Cullen! Where are you going?" Jake's words were slightly slurred, he had one arm wrapped around some girl, and in the other hand he held a red plastic cup, he smirked at me.

I just shrugged at him and tried to go around them.

"Where's Em?" he wouldn't let me pass, glancing around, nearly spilling his drink on me.

"Out back," I answered, already wishing I had just stayed outside where Em told me to stay put, "He's playing basketball."

Jake let out this half snort, half guffaw, "Then come on over here…" he gestured, waving his arm up in the air, he shoved his cup into my hand, "I don't want you to get bored…or lonely." His laugh was loud, and the girl next to him laughed too. I had no idea what they were laughing about.

I didn't move from my spot, tried to give him back his cup, I just sort of hoped he would forget about me. Instead, he kept laughing and turned to whisper in the girl's ear. I didn't know who she was or if she was Em's friend too, I had never seen her before. Jake was standing really close to her and ran his hand up her bare arm, kissing her neck a couple of times. She just giggled at Jake's words and turned to look at me. She eyed me, up and down, then turned back to Jake with a small frown.

"He's just a little kid." She told Jake.

Jake kept up his insistence, pulling her close to him for a second, nuzzling into her neck, then letting her go. They both turned to look at me. I narrowed my eyes at them and backed away, I didn't like how either of them were gawking at me.

But it was too late really; the girl slithered up to me, wrapping her hand around my own, the one that was holding the cup.

"Drink up honey," she was taller than me, leaning over me, her breasts this close to my face. I'd never been this close to a girl before. She smelled pretty.

"Uh…No thank you." I tried moving away from her. I couldn't see Jake anymore; I didn't know where he went.

"Its okay sweetie," she purred in my ear, I could feel the heat of her breath near the tip of my earlobe, "It's just punch, I already had some."

I looked down into the cup, she was right, the liquid was red. I looked up at her uncertainly, and she giggled back at me, "I won't let anything happen to you." She promised.

The punch was sweet…someone had put too much sugar in it. I coughed after the first drink, and the second, but she just urged me to drink more, her arm sliding around my shoulders squeezing gently. For some reason I liked her next to me…didn't want to disappoint her…kept gulping down the punch…letting her guide me to the empty chair in the corner…

She pushed me down, both her hands up near my chest. Some of her hair brushed against my face, it felt really soft. She giggled some more and plopped herself right onto my lap, one hand going around my neck, the other spread out near my thigh. I could feel the room begin to spin…somewhere in the back of my mind something told me this was wrong, but I couldn't even move by now.

Her giggling continued, and I could feel her fingers digging slightly into my thigh.

"You're kind of cute." She whispered, pressing herself closer to me. Her hand tightened around my neck, and the hand on my thigh moved up ever so slowly.

The bells in my brain started ringing then…I was getting really nervous…

"I…I better find Emme…" my words were cut off by a pair of very harsh, very demanding lips. Gone was the softness…the lightness…there was only one word for it…rough.

I tried pulling back…pushing her away from me…only I didn't have the strength. She had latched onto me, grabbing me hard with both her hands, the hand on my thigh quickly moved upward …startling me…scaring me…I didn't want her to touch me there.

"Wai…wait." I tried shaking my head from side to side. She wouldn't let up…her tongue was suddenly in my mouth, I could taste the sickly sweetness of the punch…it repulsed me…made me gag. I couldn't breathe…panic ensued me.

"What the fuck! Get off of him!" Emmett's words were music to my ears. The girl was ripped off of me in seconds.

"What the hell are you doing Jane? That's my little brother!" Em was roaring mad now; he was yanking Jane around, pushing her back behind him. His fury wasn't just with her though.

"Eddie, get the fuck up! What the hell! Didn't I tell you to stay outside? What are you drinking? Give me that!" he snatched the cup from my hands and began to pull me up. I couldn't even stand straight, and my stomach was still turning.

"Fuck." Emmett was mumbling under his breath, he glared at Jane some more and she just let out this little whimper, stepping back, fading into the crowd. "Come on…let's go…" he said gruffly, pulling on my arm.

I never thought my first kiss would ever be anything like this…I always thought it would be something special...with someone I liked…and someone who liked me too…but never like this…

I stumbled along after Emmett…trying not to throw up…trying to make the room stop spinning…Emmett was huffing and swearing…saying goodbye to everyone…letting Jake know he would see him tomorrow. Jake looked all concerned, telling Em to call him later to make sure I was okay…but I swear to God, right before walking out the door, I managed to turn around…and I saw him…_him_…Jake Black…laughing at me…

…******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"Mr. Cullen." Dr. Clearwater stood up from behind his desk and moved over to the empty chair beside me, "Let's talk about you for a second."

I didn't really want to talk about me…I wanted to talk more about Bella, and Charlie.

"Sure…" I shifted my body around in my chair so that I could face him better.

"You'll see Laurent again later this week. Remember that he is your sponsor, you can call him anytime you feel you need him, you never have to do this alone ever again, please realize that…"

I smiled at him, grateful for his words. "Thank you…Laurent has really been my rock. I feel really lucky to have him as my sponsor; he's put up with a lot."

Dr. Clearwater chuckled at my words, "Mr. Cullen…Laurent has been through far worse, I assure you." He glanced down at his clipboard and back up to me, "So are you ready for the next step?" his eyes held a hint of humor to them.

"Next step?" I cocked my head to the side in question.

"Yes," he smiled at me, "The next step…fatherhood."

….*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

The phone rang for the third time with no answer. I was starting to suspect Bella had caller ID on and was purposely not answering. Finally, a little after seven, she picked up…

"Hello?" The sound of her voice made my heart jump.

"Hello. Bella?"

"Edward?" There was some silence, "Is that you?" I listened carefully to see if there would be any changes in her tone. I couldn't detect any.

"Yes, how are you?" I kept my voice steady.

"Fine, and you?" Her voice was low. Either she was working really well on not showing any emotion, or she absolutely didn't feel anything at all…

"I hope I'm not disturbing you…" Okay, now my voice was shaking, and there was nothing I could do to stop it, "I just wanted to thank you for having me over the other night."

She was quiet for a second. "You're welcome…" she paused, "It was…nice."

"Yes…" I needed to do it now…before I lost my nerve, "I would like to return the favor, if you don't mind, and ask if you and Charlie would like to go out to dinner with me, when you're free…"

More silence…

I was just about to ask her if she was still there? If she had heard me at all?

"Uhh…thank you…um…" her voice trailed off.

My hand tighten around the phone, she was going to turn me down…I could feel it. My heart was beating at a rapid pace, waiting for her answer.

"Charlie doesn't do really well in restaurants…" her voice was low…hurried.

"I understand…" the letdown was so hard to handle…I wanted to just sink down into the floor and just wallow in my misery. I closed my eyes, letting my head fall forward, of course she wouldn't want to be with me anymore...why should she? I hadn't proven myself to her at all...

"How about you come over here instead…" her voice suddenly got brighter, "I think I could make something we all like…Charlie would be more relaxed in his own house…"

My eyes snapped open. Now it was my hands that were shaking…really shaking…I had to hold on tight to not drop the phone.

"What do you think?" she was asking.

"I…I would really like that…thank you…" Did that sound okay? Had I lost my voice? Did she hear me?

"Really?…I mean…great…I think Charlie would be happy to see you again. How about tomorrow? Six O'clock?"

"Six? Yes…that's fine…perfect…I'll be there…" My emotions were literally running rampant…soaring, elated, scared, hopeful…

"We'll be waiting for you…"

I leaned back, dropping down onto my sofa in relief…this shit was hard…harder than I ever thought it would be, and for a brief second, I wondered if Bella felt the same?

….*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**BPOV**

The entire day had been a disaster, starting with being fifteen minutes late for work, breaking my heel on that damn ramp that the entire office had been bugging my boss to get fixed for weeks now, and to top it all off Jake called to tell me he was bringing his client to my house for dinner.

That meant I had to run to the grocery store right after picking Charlie up from daycare, in my broken heel, and pick up something I could make fast, before Jake and his client got here.

Charlie was in no mood to shop…he fussed the entire time, even refusing the small goldfish crackers that usually kept him happy and occupied, but not today.

I was exhausted by the time I walked through my front door, I had exactly one hour to change shoes, make dinner, feed Charlie, and hopefully put him down for a much needed nap. The phone kept ringing nonstop the entire time…I completely ignored it…I had no time to chat on the phone with Alice, or anyone…I didn't even check to see who it was...I didn't think it was anyone important, they didn't leave a message.

I was still walking around barefoot hoisting Charlie on one hip when Jake arrived. I hadn't had time to fix my hair, so I am sure I looked like a hot mess when I greeted them. At least dinner was finished.

Jake was sympathetic…he always was…he ushered me to my bedroom and told me to put Charlie to sleep. He said he would serve himself and Mr. Yorkie; they would just be talking business anyways.

I cradled Charlie in my arms for a while…humming to him softly...he finally closed his eyes, and I let myself daydream…back to the days when my life wasn't quite so hard…quite so hurried…I could never understand why it all had to fall apart so quickly, or even when the downfall began?

But that wasn't the worst part…the worst part always was, and always would be, that I wasn't enough…would never be enough…to reach him…he would never talk to me...tell me...

The shrill of the phone made me jump, and I grabbed it quickly before it woke Charlie up.

"Hello?" I was annoyed. What did Alice want so badly?

"Hello. Bella?"

I stared at the phone, at loss for words. This sure as hell wasn't Alice… "Edward?" I tried to swallow but failed, "Is that you?" It was a ridiculous question, of course I knew it was him…I would never, no matter how hard I tried, forget that voice.

"Yes, how are you?"

How was I? I was a mess, thank you very much, a fucking mess. "Fine." I struggled with my anger, "And you?" I didn't want to wake Charlie, and didn't want to alert Jake that I was on the phone, so with the phone cradled between my shoulder and neck, I gently placed Charlie down in the playpen by my bed, keeping my voice as low as possible.

He was talking about not disturbing me…or something like that…thanking me…but I wasn't listening to his words…I was listening to his voice…that voice…the one that held all my dreams…and so many promises…that voice…

I froze, still half crouched over the playpen…that voice was shaking…I could hear it…it wasn't slurred…or slow…just shaking…as if it were scared…it sent shivers through me.

I realized he had stopped talking…was waiting for me to reply. The seconds ticked by, "You're welcome," it was just the way he sounded…so fragile…it still had an effect on me, "It was…nice."

I wasn't sure if I could handle him being thrust back into my life again. If I even wanted to go there again…he had taken me on a whirlwind of pain…and I watched him…the man I once loved…die inside…gone…just like his brother…and no matter what I did, I couldn't reach him...and I knew I could never live through that again.

But here he was…with that shaky delicate voice…trying to ask me if he could take his son and me out to dinner…it caught me by surprise…threw me off guard…I had no freaking clue he was going to do this…

Charlie stirred quietly in his playpen…I could hear Jake's laugh from the dining room. I was torn…

"Uhh…thank you…um…" My brain was racing…trying to think up some quick excuse…"Charlie doesn't do really well in restaurants…" okay, that wasn't a lie…

"I understand…"

And that was it…just those two little words…those two little words that sounded so hurt…he was so hurt…and…sad…and…alone…and…and…

I just couldn't do it.

"How about you come over here instead?" Even I couldn't believe what I was saying, still I kept going…not even bothering to think ahead of how I was going to tell Jake about this.

Jake didn't even know that I had seen Edward, much less talk to him. I hadn't told anyone, not even Edward's parents, and I talked to Esme almost daily.

I could hear it...the relief in his words...behind the surprise...it almost made me smile to myself.

I checked on Charlie once more...he lay there, sleeping peacefully, a small baby smile playing at his lips. I brushed his hair back gently, "You'll see your daddy tomorrow..." I whispered softly, "But we'll have to keep it a secret okay?"

For now, it would be my little secret…well…ours…our little secret…

Mine, Edward's, and Charlie's…

...******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**Anyone up for some review blackmail? LOL I'll drop you a few lines of the next chapter..._The Hardest Part_...to everyone who reviews. :)**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Have a great week!**

**MBella**


	10. The Hardest Part

**Welcome back everyone! Hope you all are having a great Summer, I can't believe how fast it flew by. Go ahead and sit back, take your time, and enjoy the chapter! :)**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight...I do not.**

**Chapter 10 The Hardest Part**

**Enjoy!**

**...****************************************************************************************************************************************************

_The hardest part_

_And the hardest part_  
_Was letting go, not taking part_  
_You really broke my heart_

_And I tried to sing_  
_But I couldn't think of anything_  
_And that was the hardest part_

_...*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************_

**BPOV**

"Okay pipsqueak…daddy should be here in two minutes. You just sit tight in your highchair…maybe daddy will help give you your dinner." I laughed as Charlie let out this little grunt and banged his baby spoon on the tray of his highchair.

"Yeah, you're right…dessert first…just in case daddy's not too good at this…" I scooped up some bananas from the baby food jar and offered it to Charlie; he opened his mouth happily to accept the food.

I couldn't help it, and I knew you could hear it in my voice. Edward was going to knock on our door any second now, and believe it or not, my mind was racing how this might turn out.

I glanced nervously at the clock…it was already ten after six…an uneasy feeling settled in the pit of my stomach. Maybe he wasn't going to come after all…maybe he forgot…maybe he found something better to do…maybe he was at a bar…

I scooped up a few stray magazines off the countertops on my way to the kitchen, my eyes purposely avoiding looking at the beautiful vase of red roses sitting there. Those roses were a gift from Jake, and I didn't want to think about him right now.

Three short raps on my door made me spin around quickly. I forced myself to take a deep breath. Finally…he was here…

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"I don't think I can go through with it." I didn't look Dr. Clearwater in the eyes. My fingers tangled up in my hair as I tried to ease my anxiety.

"Why not Mr. Cullen? What's holding you back?" Dr. Clearwater's voice was genuinely concerned; he sat very still, as if the slightest movement from him might make me bolt.

I hated to admit it…I wanted to run…run right out of there and hide…ever since last night I've been fighting those old demons. They made me toss and turn in bed…made me sweat…made me crave… and I hated that.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. "I'm not sure." I lied; I had no idea how to tell Dr. Clearwater this… "I just don't think I'm ready."

You see…I've been working so hard to get to this point…the point where I could be with Bella and my son. To be back in their lives…but my moving forward also meant one more thing…one more thing I would have to do…and it was scaring me.

"You were ready last week." Dr. Clearwater still didn't move, although his voice lowered a bit.

I finally looked up at him, he was just watching me, and I knew he could see right through me…he already knew why I didn't want to go. He moved his head slightly, he had just a touch of grey in his hair, it reflected the light, sort of made him glow…and for a few seconds I was immobile, just fascinated by it.

"You promised her you would go tonight…" he stared at me pointedly, "You _promised _her…imagine how she is going to feel if you don't show up?"

I blinked twice at him, snapping out of my trance…_She isn't going to feel anything_…_ nothing_…I wanted to say …_except maybe relief_. I just shrugged, diverting my gaze over to the windows.

"What's making you change your mind? You were elated the other day when you told me she invited you over."

I finally gave in, shifting in my seat with a small sigh, I didn't know if this was going to be the hardest part…but it sure felt like it. "Cause I'm going to have to tell her…" I paused not really wanting to continue.

"Tell her what?" Dr. Clearwater pressed.

"Tell her that I'm an alcoholic…" I closed my eyes, "Tell her that I spent more nights drunk than not…tell her that my life is truly pathetic…that I'm pathetic…" And I really didn't want to admit to my wife that I was a failure…she already knew that…she knew what I was…but in order to ask for forgiveness, I needed to tell her what kind of man I had been, what kind of man I was now.

"Hmmm…" Dr. Clearwater's soft hum made me open my eyes and look at him, he just gave me a small, sad, smile, "Why don't you just tell her you're sorry?" he cocked his head to the side, eyebrows raised…

…********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

I was early…like two hours early. I felt like a stalker…sitting in my car nearly two blocks away watching the house. I shouldn't be here like this, but the talk I had earlier with Dr. Clearwater played over and over in my head.

Why was talking to her so difficult? Why was I trying to avoid it? I used to be able to tell her anything…didn't I? What kind of man was I?

So I sat there…and watched the sun duck and hide behind the rows of houses and trees. I watched all the other vehicles drive up and down the block arriving from their hard day at work. I watched the children run out to greet their mothers and fathers, and give them big bear hugs.

Would I ever get a hug like that from Charlie?

My thoughts jumbled and spun around in my head as I gripped the steering wheel. I wanted my life back so bad…I wanted to come home from a hard days work and pull into that driveway…I wanted Charlie to run out and greet me with Bella standing at the door…I wanted to walk up that walkway and pull her into my arms and tell her I loved her.

As hard as it seemed, I was determined to apologize to Bella tonight…and to Charlie too. And I would tell her anything she wanted to know…_anything_…

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"Doesn't he look so peaceful?" Bella's soft voice drifted up around us as we both stood over Charlie's bassinet.

"He's just beautiful." I half whispered back, still in awe of this precious miracle that was given to us.

"He looks just like you." She giggled quietly, starting to tug at my hand, to pull me away from Charlie's nursery.

"He looks like you." I stressed, "Beautiful…nothing like me at all." I let her lead me out into our living room.

Charlie was eight weeks old yet Bella still had this amazing glow about her, just like she did when she was pregnant. Her skin was radiant, her cheeks flushed, she looked gorgeous. I pulled her close to me as we sat down on the sofa, I wanted to feel her next to me…just to stroke her cheek and look in her eyes.

"I talked to Charlotte today…she said she can start next month…" Bella smiled at me, that perfect sweet smile.

But suddenly the air in the room shifted, grew tighter, and I found myself struggling with what I wanted to say.

"What?" That was the only thing that came out of my mouth, "Who?"

"Charlotte…remember? I told you last week, she said she would babysit for us…I need to go back to work."

I could feel my eyebrows furrow, and I pushed down my annoyance, yes, Bella had told me about Charlotte last week and I ignored her…pretended not to hear her…the truth of the matter was that I didn't want Bella to go back to work…I wanted her to stay home…with Charlie.

I just shook my head at her, "I don't remember anything." I pulled up abruptly from the sofa, avoiding continuing the conversation. "We don't need a babysitter…besides I haven't even met her yet." I walked out of the living room and into the kitchen, opening the refrigerator looking for an imaginary drink.

"I told _you_…" Bella was right on my heels, I could hear the strain in her voice, "Charlotte comes highly recommended, and highly sought after…if I don't give her an answer by the end of the week she'll go to someone else."

"Then let her…" I shrugged, "We don't need her…"

"Yes we do Edward…I'm supposed to be back in my office beginning next month. We need someone to watch the baby while I'm gone." Now she sounded just mad, it made me angry in return.

"She can't be the only one…" I grabbed the first bottle of water I saw and opened it roughly, "So what if she gets hired by another family…we can find someone else."

"But Edward…I really want her…Brea said she was the best…and I want the best…for Charlie."

I was suddenly tired of this conversation; didn't she realize that _she_ was the best for Charlie? I turned my body away from hers, I didn't want to continue this with her, "I have to go…" I glanced down at my watch, "Em's waiting for me."

Bella just nodded, her eyes full of sadness, she quietly moved out of the way, letting me pass. I didn't look at her anymore…it was too hard…and that guilty pit in my stomach was making me queasy.

I was glad that Em was home when I reached his place, even gladder that Rose wasn't there.

"What are you doing here Eddie? It's late." Em was surprised to see me at his doorstep.

"I'm glad you're home. Can I come in?"

Em eyed me with slightly worried eyes, "Sure…come on in. What's up?"

I walked over and threw myself down on his recliner, the one he loved to watch all his basketball games in. "Bella wants to go back to work."

Em just raised his eyebrows at me, lowering himself down onto his sofa. "Okay," he said, his voice held a hint of confusion, "Bella's job is important."

"More important than Charlie?" I stared at him.

"Oh… I see…" he leaned back a bit, nodding his head, "You don't want her to go back to work?"

"No." Wasn't that clear? Hadn't I made that perfectly clear to Bella?

"Did you tell her that?" he crossed his arms in front of him, waiting for me to answer. I rolled my eyes at him.

"Of course I told her that." But even as the words came out of my mouth, something in the back of my head was telling me that _no_…I hadn't told her anything…

"What did she tell you when you told her you don't want her to go back to work?" Em leaned his elbows on his knees, looking up at me.

"Nothing…She didn't say anything…she won't even listen to me." I shook my head at him, trying to shake the nagging feeling.

"But you guys talked about it right? Not fight…just talk?" Em was frowning at me, as if he could see something in me that I couldn't even see.

"Sort of…" I just shrugged, not really sure of the answer…we had talked…there were no angry words…that meant talking, didn't it?

"What do you mean sort of?" he gave me this exasperated look; it kind of ticked me off.

"I don't know…" I threw my hands up, my voice tight, "She kept bugging me about this Charlotte person…she wants to hire her to watch Charlie…I don't even know who she is! Why can't she just stay home with our son? Why does she even want to go back to work?"

"Whoa…hold on little brother…" Em was half rising from his seat now, "You know Bella's an independent woman…you knew that when you met her…you knew that when you married her…you knew that when she got pregnant…her job is important to her... you can't take that away from her."

I kept staring at him; letting his words sink in…he was making sense. Even back in college, Bella had always been determined and hardworking…she knew what she wanted out of her life, and knew how to get it. She loved her job, she was so excited when she was hired to work with foster children, and she was good at it, her boss loved her.

I was at loss for words as I watched Em shake his head at me, "Eddie…you need to _talk_ to her…don't forget, her feelings are important too, and the only way you will figure what she is feeling is if you_ talk_ to her…"

…**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

A little before five, I saw a bright red convertible mustang pull up into Bella's driveway. I knew who it was before I even saw him. He slid out of the car with ease, his dark hair glistening in the sunlight, he was always so smooth…even back in high school…flashing that charming white grin to the people around him, it usually got him anything he wanted. I fought with my annoyance, watching as Jake exited his vehicle; he was wearing a crisp black business suit and was holding this enormous bouquet of red roses in his hand.

He didn't knock…or use a key either…Bella was at the door even before he reached it. He was grinning at her and pressed a kiss to her cheek before they both entered the house.

Anger coursed through my veins at the sight, and my imagination went into overdrive as the door closed. What the fuck was going on between them? I gripped the steering wheel tightly, I didn't want Jake anywhere near Bella…I always thought he wanted her…even when Bella and I were still dating. The first time Jake met Bella was at Em's place.

Bella and I had gone over to Em's for his birthday. All of Em's and Rose's friends were there, including Jake. The minute I introduced Jake to Bella I could see it in his eyes and hear it in the tone of his voice that he was attracted to her. His smile was too bright, his eyes all lit up, he literally tried to maneuver his body between Bella and me just to talk to her.

She was polite to him of course…shook his hand…made small talk. It bothered me to no end, and now I sat in my car wondering how long he'd been coming around…if he had just been waiting in the sidelines all along until I screwed up, so he could take my place.

Unless…he already taken my place…

So I fumed for a while…fighting the urge to drive away…trying to control my imagination from conjuring up pictures of what could be happening behind those closed doors.

I was entertaining the idea that Bella had actually invited me over with Jake there until I saw the door open again. Jake was leaving. He gave Bella a quick hug, got in his car, and drove off. She leaned against the doorway until his car was out of sight, then went back inside.

I tried not let it confuse me…telling myself she could do as she well pleased, she was no longer tied to me, but I couldn't shake the feeling that the whole thing was just wrong…that I was missing something…some little piece to the puzzle that would make perfect sense.

I also wanted to just kick Jake's ass.

I purposely waited ten minutes after six before ringing the bell, just to see if I could read any reaction in her eyes when she answered the door. I shouldn't be playing games, I knew better than that, but just once…just this once…I needed some little sign that would tell me it would all be okay.

Bella opened the door, her hair flowing over her shoulders in soft waves. She looked beautiful, and I immediately regretted being late…losing those precious minutes with her. Her eyes washed over me worriedly, and I hated myself for making her worry.

"Hi…I'm sorry I'm late." I quickly apologized, looking up into her eyes.

She gave me a quick, small, smile and opened the door wider to let me in, "Oh, that's okay…I didn't realize it was after six."

I stared at her trying not to feel defeated…she didn't even notice…didn't even care, just like I told Dr. Clearwater.

"Come on in…Charlie is just finishing up his dinner…it's always easier to feed him first, that way we can eat in peace." She let out this forced laugh, her eyes darting at me quickly. I smiled at her to show her I understood, and made my way over to Charlie's high chair, purposely avoiding looking at the brilliant red roses sitting proudly in their vase near the kitchen.

"Hey little guy." I gave Charlie a bright smile and watched as he banged his spoon on the tray of his high chair. He gave me a toothy grin and shoved a small piece of what looked like bread, into his mouth.

"Charlie loves pumpkin bread for dessert." Bella's voice was still a bit strained; she walked over to the other side of the high chair and moved some of the food around on Charlie's tray.

"Pumpkin bread…" I couldn't help but give Bella a smile, "That was my favorite too."

She just sort of pressed her lips together, I wasn't sure if she was trying to suppress a smile or what, and said, "I know."

Dinner started out a bit rough…we ate in near silence...Bella began making small talk about Charlie's day...their walk to the park...how he was fascinated with the birds...I just keep starting at her, not really listening...I wanted to come right out and ask her what Jake was to her…if he was living here…in our house…if she was sleeping with him…if she loved him. It pretty much took over my brain, didn't let me concentrate on what Bella was talking about.

"We're going on Saturday…I think it would be fun for him to see…"

I finally forced myself to focus on what Bella was saying…something about Saturday. I nodded my head at her, pretending to know where they were going.

"Do you think he would like it?" she asked, tilting her head to the side with a knowing look in her eyes, she knew me well…even after all this time…she could still tell when I wasn't listening.

"I think he would." I tried to play it off, wondering if she was pissed that I hadn't been paying attention to her.

"You don't think he would be scared?" This time her voice held a hint of playfulness. I could feel my heart jump a little at her tone, it made me nervous, I wanted to hear more of it.

"What could possibly scare him?" I asked, letting my own voice indicate that I was playing along. She giggled, and when she did that, I was capitulating back into time…when we would sit together and laugh and talk…when everything was okay.

"You mean you don't think anything there could frighten him? Maybe startle him?" she smiled at me, mocking me, and this time I could see, her smile was real…it was the smile of the woman I married.

"Not off the top of my head, no." I joked; I had no idea what I was talking about.

She laughed, "What about the animals?" she questioned, raising her eyebrows at me, I just wrinkled my nose at her, "Or the loud noises?"

Could she be talking about the zoo?

"And I am worried that the _clowns_ could scar him for life." She stressed with a small grin.

Okay now she was teasing me…she knew about my thing with clowns…she was messing with me. My mouth was open but nothing was coming out…she had baited me and I walked right into it.

Her laughter echoed all through the dining room and when Charlie joined in, I had to laugh with them. Her face was finally relaxed, and she let her hands rest on the table. That beautiful face ignited a spark in me and I knew that I wanted her…I needed her.

"Really Bella…" I pretended to frown, "_Clowns_? That's just _wrong_."

She laughed again and shook her head at me, "I'm talking about the carnival…that's what you get for not listening to me." She scolded.

I raised my hands in defeat, admitting my wrongdoings, and smiled back at her. "I think he would love the carnival."

"It would be his first time." She said almost softly, her eyes shone, she kept smiling at me, not saying anything else, almost as if she were waiting for me to say something.

I was at loss for words there…and _almost_ glad when Charlie started complaining in his baby babble to be let loose from his high chair…_almost_…

I watched as she cleaned him up, wiping his face with a wet cloth. He complained some more, waving his tiny hands in front of his face, trying to shoo her off of him. She turned to me as she was about to remove the tray. "Would you like to hold him?"

I didn't know what to say but I realized what she was offering. "Do you think he would come with me?" I asked as she lifted him up.

"We'll find out." She turned and placed him in my arms. He was stiff at first, watching me with those wide eyes. I gave him a smile and tried to bounce him a little. "There are some of his toys in the living room, why don't you offer him one? I'll just finish up here."

I tried to move quickly before Charlie could burst out crying…it seemed like he was going to any minute now…I was relieved when he accepted the stuffed monkey I held up to him, but he still didn't smile at me.

With my son and his monkey safe in my arms I moved past to furniture over to the fireplace. Along the mantle were some pictures of Charlie…two round candles…and a small gold figurine, it was some sort of trophy, it caught my eye, and I moved closer to get a better look at it. It was a man, holding a baby, there inscribed on the base were the words _World's Best Dad_.

A lump formed in my throat…that wasn't mine…I never owned a trophy like that…and if it wasn't mine then that meant…it was _his_…it was Jake's.

I moved away from it as fast as I could; taking a few steps back, wishing I hadn't seen it, hoping it wouldn't make me crave later. I spun around, trying to shake the feeling, and nearly collided into Bella. Her eyes went wide and she took an awkward step back at my sudden movements.

"Oh!" her arms reflexively flung out as she stumbled backward.

Before I could even think about what was happening, my arm shot out and wrapped itself around her, pulling her towards me. Her body sprung forward and she reached out griping onto my shoulder as she collided into me.

I was so focused on not letting her fall and not letting Charlie get hurt in the process, that my brain didn't realize she was pressed completely against me, my arm wrapped protectively around her waist. It wasn't until I heard her breath hitch, and felt her fingers digging into my shoulder that my own heart began beating wildly with her so close.

And nobody moved…for at least ten seconds…nobody moved. Bella wasn't looking at me, she was staring into my chest, her own chest rising and falling rapidly. The top of her head was right under my chin and I could smell her heavenly scent. It swirled all around me, reminding me of my past…and promising me a future.

My chest tightened almost painfully…it was all so close…we were all here…the way we should be…

Charlie did what I wished I could have done…he reached out with his baby hand and placed it softly on her hair…she looked up then, first at me, then at Charlie. When he saw her looking at him, he stretched his arms out to her, asking to be held.

She reached for him, and I let him go, letting my other arm fall away from Bella's waist. There were a few more seconds of silence until Bella finally spoke.

"Thank you." Her voice was low and she averted her eyes, keeping them off of my face.

"Bella…" I wanted to tell her now…I'm not sure why…maybe just having her close to me, even if it was just for a few seconds gave me enough courage, "I'm sorry…" there was more I wanted to say but my voice was catching in my throat. She finally raised her eyes to mine, trying to blink back her tears. It just made me all more choked up, but still I tried, "I'm really sorry…"

She didn't let me finish, she turned her body away from me, squatting down to pick up the monkey that had fallen out of Charlie's arms.

"It's okay." She said, her words were slow…careful… "It was my fault anyways for startling you."

She was trying to avoid it…avoid me…and something just snapped in me…maybe it was the fact that there was another's man trophy up on that mantle…or his roses sitting in a vase in the kitchen…or just the fucking fact that he even existed in our lives made me squat down beside her and place my hand on her arm.

"No." My voice was strong…I felt strong, "That's not what I'm talking about…I need to apologize to you Bella, to both of you…and I need to do it right now."

…********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**BPOV**

The look in those beautiful green eyes was making me shake. His fingers rested on my arm and I wanted to pull away, not because I didn't want him to touch me, but because I _wanted_ him to touch me…and it hurt so much…to have him so close, but at the same time so far away.

I'm not sure what made him so scared up on that fireplace…maybe seeing Charlie's baby pictures and how fast he was growing, made him realize all that he was missing, but he had spun around so fast, his eyes full of what looked like pure fear, the same look I had seen on him when he was drunk, I just took a frightened step back and lost my balance.

But he caught me, and when he touched me again, my heart just wouldn't listen to my brain anymore. I knew I had already lost this battle…perhaps I had never even won.

He probably saw that in me, even though I wouldn't let him see my eyes, and I did the first thing I could think of to avoid looking at him. I reached down and picked up Charlie's stuffed monkey. I was still scooping up the little thing when Edward's hand was on my arm, his voice clear and determined. His skin felt so warm against mine, his fingers sliding up to my shoulder, it forced me to look at him. I held my breath so he wouldn't be able to tell what I was feeling. Those eyes pierced right into my heart, and I couldn't look away anymore even if I had wanted to.

"No." He kept his gaze fixed on me, "That's not what I'm talking about…I need to apologize to you Bella, to both of you…and I need to do it right now."

But I wasn't ready…even though my heart was nearly pounding out of my chest, and my ears were aching to hear those words…I wasn't ready…

So I did what felt like the hardest part…although I am sure there were already other times that were just as hard, or worse… I pulled away from him, making up some excuse about how I needed to get Charlie ready for bed…thanking him for coming tonight…trying to usher him to the door.

Still…he kept at it…moving in front of me…trying to get my attention, make me look at him again, and I kept avoiding him…all while pleading with God to forgive me…to give me strength. It was like a dance in slow motion…we maneuvered all around each other…him trying to catch me…and me dancing out of reach.

When the knock came at the door I froze…it was late…that knock could only mean one thing…and I didn't know how I was going to deal with it all…

…**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**EPOV**

She was scared…I had scared her…I could tell by the look in her eyes, the way she kept turning away from me, trying to avoid me, but I was suddenly more determined than ever to make her listen to me.

"Bella please…" I made my way around her; she was trying to get to the front door, making up some excuse about how Charlie was tired.

"Thanks for coming Edward, Charlie enjoyed it…but he's really sleepy now…" Her voice shook, she brushed past me, her eyes fixed on the floor.

"Bella…I just need a minute…Bella…look at me…just a minute…" I stood directly in front of her, cutting off her path to the door. She just shook her head, her arms wrapped securely around Charlie. She turned her body slightly and tried to slip past.

"He gets really fussy if I don't get him to sleep on time…" Again she moved quickly, shifting Charlie in her arms, he was gurgling happily at all the movements, clearly not sleepy at all.

The knock at the door startled both of us. Bella half jumped at the sound and I twisted my head around at the noise, then back to her. The minute my eyes met hers I knew who was at the door. I could see it all over her face. She probably wasn't expecting him back so early…I bet he didn't even know I was here.

My first instinct was anger, but that quickly faded into panic. If I didn't do it now then I wouldn't get my chance tonight, so I did the first thing that came to mind.

I reached out with both hands grasping her by her shoulders and encircling her and Charlie into my arms. I didn't give her a chance to react; I leaned my body into hers and tilted my head.

Her eyes went wide at my nearness but that didn't stop me, the second our lips met everything faded into the background. My world went blank…I couldn't see or hear anything except the woman in front of me. Her body was stiff at first, and I was sure she was going to pull away from me and scream…but when a second or two had gone by and she was still there…still standing in my arms, I felt her respond…just a little bit…but it was more than enough.

Her mouth felt so soft, just the way I remembered it…and I wish I could have traced the curve of her cheek with my fingers. Instead I just kissed her…ever so softly…hoping she would remember too, how good we once were.

We both ignored the knocking…eventually it stopped. It was Charlie who made us break apart. He began to protest our nearness; he didn't like me so close to his mother. It made me smile…Charlie and I…we were both alike.

She gave out this tiny sound, it sounded like a half gasp, half sob as we stepped away from each other, but she was looking at me…she didn't break our gaze.

"Please baby…" I whispered to her, begging her for a chance…just one more chance… "I'm so sorry for everything I did to you…and to Charlie…I know I hurt you…with my words…with my actions…" Bella was frozen in place; watching me silently, a few stray tears escaping her eyes, she didn't bother brushing them away. I needed to keep going…to keep trying to make her understand, "And I promise you…that from here on out, I will do everything I can to make it up to you…both of you…you two are my whole world, and it kills me knowing that I hurt the people who I love the most. I was just so lost…losing Em…it hurt so bad…and I'm so sorry Bella…I'm so sorry…"

She was sobbing now…and I wanted to pull her into my arms again and just keep begging for forgiveness…but I knew that the only way Bella would believe anything I had to say was to _prove_ it to her, so I just placed my hand on Charlie's backside rubbing softly…he was resting his head on Bella's shoulder, his expression somber, as if he knew just how important this conversation really was…how much was riding on this.

We stayed that way, but this time the silence wasn't quite so scary…or threatening. It was almost peaceful…with just a hint of a promise that we could have a future together once more.

When we heard the knocking at the door again it pissed me off…with an abrupt turn I stalked over to the door and flung it open.

I was done staying out of Jake's way…if he wanted Bella he was going to have to go through me…and he was going to have to start tonight, because there was no way I was letting my family go without a fight…

I didn't know if this was going to be the hardest part of the night…but it was time for me to find out…because he was gone…the old Edward…he was gone…and he left _me_ behind...smarter...stronger...and for that, I was grateful…

...*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**Hope you all enjoy your weekend! :)**

**Don't forget to drop me a review! Hugs to you all...and see you at the next chapter...**

**Proof**

**MBella**


	11. Proof

**Hello everybody...long time no see. Hope you have been doing well. I know I've taken forever with this chap so I won't keep you long. I just want you to know, that I promise that I will finish this story. I pretty much almost have it finished, so hang in there with me. :)**

**Disclaimer: SM own Twilight. I do not.**

**Chapter 11 Proof**

**Enjoy!**

**...***************************************************************************************************************************************************...**

_I'm covered in you_  
_If I ever want proof_  
_I find it in you_  
_Yeah I honestly do_  
_In you I find proof_

...*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************...

October 1, 1989

Dear Emmett,

How are you doing? Do you still like college? Will you be coming home for Halloween?

Today was not a good day. I got in a fight with Mom at home. She told me that I could not be Batman for Halloween again this year. She said I was Batman last year and the year before so this year she wants me to pick out something different.

I don't want to be something different. Jasper told me he was going to dress up as Robin so I really really want to be Batman, and this girl named Tanya who sits next to me in math told me she loves Batman. She's really nice; she helped me with my math worksheet yesterday in class. How do I prove to Mom that I should be Batman again this year? I still have my black cape and everything.

Edward

…******************************************************************************************************************************************************************...

I was disappointed when I got the call from Dr. Clearwater's office telling me he wouldn't be able to keep our appointment today. I was actually looking forward to talking with him. I wanted to tell him about the other night at Bella's place.

Tell him how I got to play with Charlie some more, and I got to sit at the table with Bella and talk and laugh, just like a real family. I wasn't sure if I was going to tell him about our kiss…worried that he would tell me it was too soon for things like that…it probably was too soon but I couldn't help myself, every time I was around her all I wanted to do was take her in my arms and keep her close to me. So I would probably leave our kiss out…not mention it to Dr. Clearwater just yet, I mostly wanted him to help me analyze the events of that night to see if I was overreacting at what happened _after_.

So when his secretary called and said he wouldn't be in today it bummed me out and I wandered around my apartment trying to keep my mind off of Bella, and spent the better part of the afternoon watching aimless TV. Of course it was hopeless, my brain refused to listen to me and I kept thinking about Bella and Charlie…wondering how they was doing today, wondering if Bella was pissed at me for kissing her or what happened next…fighting the urge to pick up the phone to call her. I wanted to take a couple of days to think about what to do next…to give her time to think too, because the next time we'd see each other I wasn't just going to be able to tell her what I felt…and I was pretty sure she wouldn't let me kiss her again so easily…no…the next time we saw each other I was going to have to _prove _it to her…

The rap at my door made me sit upright. It had been a while since anyone had come around. I was pretty sure I already knew who it was.

Pulling myself up off the sofa I made my way across the room. Maybe I didn't need Dr. Clearwater today after all…

...*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************...

**BPOV**

I could see the tiny beads of sweat right along his hairline; his eyes were tightly shut, somewhere lost in both concentration and pleasure. He was moving faster now, emitting tiny grunts as he plunged into me. My body arched upwards to meet his every thrust, aching for those tingling touches, trembling as my hands roamed down his back, tracing his spine.

He shifted slightly, lifting one of my legs and hitching it over his shoulder…it gave him better access, allowed him to go deeper…and it was driving me wild.

He opened his eyes then, and I could see my reflection in those pools of emerald green…it was hypnotizing. His right hand slid softly along my cheek, resting just above my eyebrow before brushing back my hair. He didn't stop moving…he kept this sweet, steady rhythm…his strokes hitting all the right places…he knew I was close.

"Can you feel it baby?" He whispered, his fingertips tracing over my lips, he let out another grunt "Can you feel _me_?"

I drew in a shaky breath, incapable of words. He knew I could feel it…because my body responded to every move he made…just like it always did…just like it always would…

"Tell me you want me…" he slowly licked the curve down my neck causing tiny goose bumps to break out over my skin, nuzzling into my shoulder, "That you _love _me…"

I just thrashed my head from side to side, overcome with desire…I _wanted _him…I l_oved_ him…he knew that…

I could see the veins in his arms as he strained over me…He was close too, but he was holding it back, waiting until I came before he let himself go…that's how he always was…the perfect lover…the perfect man…the perfect everything…

Edward was _always_…perfect.

At least in my dreams he was…

I bolted upright in bed, my body still slightly throbbing, a thin sheen of perspiration on my forehead. Since he kissed me, I've been having this dream…every single night…and to be honest, I didn't want it to stop…I wanted it to be _real_…

...********************************************************************************************************************************************************************...

October 8, 1989

Eddie,

I got your letter yesterday. I'm sorry Mom is giving you a hard time about your costume. I'm not sure how you can prove to her you should be Batman? I don't see why she just doesn't let you be whoever you want. Maybe I can call and talk to her or Dad for you.

I won't be home for Halloween. I met this super great girl named Rose here at school; she's in my Government class. She's totally gorgeous and has the best looking body I've ever saw. She loves Country music and wears tight jeans to school every day. Wow! She invited me to her dorm party for Halloween. Everyone is going to dress up. I need to find me a costume that is cool and doesn't make me look like an ass in front of her. Can you think of any?

I will be home for Thanksgiving for sure. I promise we can go to the movies and just hang out. Save me some Halloween candy, will you?

Em

PS: If you do get to be Batman, and Jazz is Robin, for God's sake…don't wear tights with your costumes!

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************...

When I opened my door I was only half surprised to see Jasper standing there at the step. My gut told me he might be dropping by, especially after what happened back at Bella's the other night. I was actually glad that he was here. I missed talking to him…missed our friendship.

Jasper didn't say anything at first; he just looked at me quietly for a few seconds, his eyes washing over me quickly before resting on my face.

"Cullen." He raised one eyebrow at me, "Wanna talk?"

I cocked my head to the side at his tone, not really sure if he was pissed at me or not, but then I saw it…just a hint of twinkle in his eyes, his mouth turning up at the corners ever so slightly.

I grinned at him, "Come on in Whitlock…long time no see."

He brushed past me, looking pleased as a Cheshire cat, and heading right for the sofa, spreading himself out, taking up more than half the space.

"Want something to drink?" I offered him.

He shook his head no, waving his hand in the air, gesturing me to sit down across from him, he was smiling openly now. I leaned back into the small recliner trying not to chuckle, really glad that he was still the Robin to my Batman.

"I hear you had quite an adventure the other night?" his eyebrows were still raised, but he looked completely happy.

"Yeah," I tried to act casual, not let him see how I just dying to tell someone what happened, "How'd you hear about it?"

"Alice." That's all he really needed to say. I could almost picture Alice going a mile a minute telling Jasper everything she had heard from Bella.

I let out this half chuckle and nodded.

"So?" he tilted his head slightly, "what happened?"

I didn't bother trying to hide my grin, I wanted him to know. I shifted in my seat, resting my elbows on top of my knees. My mind raced through the events quickly…where should I start? There really was only one place…the beginning…

...********************************************************************************************************************************************************************...

October 17, 1989

Dear Emmett,

Have you called Mom yet? It's almost Halloween and she hasn't told me anything yet. I already have my costume hanging in the closet ready to go.

Jasper's mom took him shopping the other day for his costume; I saw it when I went to his house yesterday. It's really cool; it even has a real belt, not just one made with Velcro. And his mask looks real too. He'll be better looking than me at our Halloween party at school; I hope Tanya doesn't like Robin.

Rose sounds like a nice girl. I hope you have fun at your party. You want to be something cool? I thought about it all last week. Why don't you go as a Cowboy? Since Rose likes country music, she'd probably go crazy if you show up in some cool boots and a western cowboy hat. What do you think?

Edward

...**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************..

The first words that wanted to come out of my mouth were, "What the fuck do you want Black? Get the hell away from my family."

Bella was frozen behind me hanging onto Charlie, but she didn't try to stop me, didn't say anything as I stalked over to her front door and swung it open. I was determined to get rid of Jake once and for all but instead I was stunned speechless because as the door opened, instead of coming face to face with Black, there stood both my parents…staring at me dumbfounded.

Their faces quickly shifted from happy smiles over to fear, my Mom let out this tiny gasp, her hand flew to her mouth and her eyes immediately started scanning the background for Bella and Charlie.

My Dad had a little more control; he blinked rapidly at first, but then tilted his head to the side almost with confusion, "Edward?"

I didn't know what to say…I was prepared to fight Jake, not face my parents…I hadn't seen them in months, much less talk to them.

"Edward…wha?" My Dad tried again. This time Bella stepped in, she moved forward quickly, getting between me and them.

"Carlisle…Esme…Hi!" Her voice was way high…too high…too singsong… "What brings you here so late?"

"We…we went out to dinner…" my dad still looked confused as he spoke, his eyes flew from Bella to me and then back at Bella, "We were in the neighborhood and thought we'd bring Charlie some goodies from the bakery." He held out a small white paper bag.

My mom was just staring at me, looking like she wanted to cry, like she wanted to reach out and touch me, just to make sure I was real. I was still too stunned to say anything…we all looked at each other in silence for a few seconds until Charlie broke to atmosphere by letting out this happy baby giggle and reaching his arms out to my mom. She instantly brightened as she took him from Bella, hugging him closely to her body.

"Thank you so much." Bella took the bag from my Dad. "Why don't you come on in, I can put some coffee on."

"That's alright," my dad quickly lifted up his hand, "you have company…we should be going, right Esme?"

My mom didn't look like she wanted to go, and she didn't answer my dad right away. She just kept right on hugging Charlie, trying to steal little glances my way.

"Please." Bella tried to usher them in, "its okay…come in…I was going to make some coffee anyways…please join us," she turned to me, "It's okay if they stay, right Edward?"

I could see it in her eyes; she was trying so hard, trying to make everything okay. I felt instantly guilty, she shouldn't be the one having to do this, I should be doing this.

"Bella is right." I suddenly found my voice…it surprised me…it sounded strong. "Please stay and join us."

My dad looked right at me, his eyes searching mine carefully. "Edward…" he paused and took a small breath, "Are you sure?"

I stepped forward and placed my hand on my mom's arm, "Please…Mom…Dad…please stay."

My mom's eyes watered instantly at my voice, and when I looked over at Bella, I could see her wiping away at her own eyes. I hesitated, not sure if I was causing them both pain somehow and I could feel that old familiar panic begin to ensue me.

My dad noticed the doubt in my eyes before anyone else. He stretched out his hand to me, his eyes reassuring me that it was okay…to just hang in there, "Edward…it's good to see you son. How are you?" His held tightly to my hand, squeezing it just slightly...giving me a little bit of courage.

He smiled at me when I looked up into his face, and suddenly, I felt 13 again…

...********************************************************************************************************************************************************************...

October 25, 1989

Dear Emmett,

I haven't heard back from you. Are you okay? It's almost Halloween. Maybe your letter got lost in the mail? I am still mad at Mom. She came home today with this awful Peter Pan costume. She said she found it on sale in my size and thinks I will look "adorable" in it. It's green Emmett! Green! And it came with tights!

I told her I didn't want it. She looked sad, so I said that green is not my color. She told me that it is too my color and it matches my eyes. I hate my eyes.

She made me try on my Batman costume and it didn't even fit anymore. It is too short in the legs. I don't know what to do, Jasper still thinks I am going to be Batman and I already told Tanya during math that I was going to be Batman. Tanya is going to be disappointed when I show up as Peter Pan and I bet Jasper won't talk to me anymore after that.

Maybe I'll just stay home on Halloween and pretend I am sick. Sorry I won't be able to get you any candy.

Edward

...********************************************************************************************************************************************************************...

"It was your parents at the door huh?" Jasper was completely into my story, not interrupting me, listening to my every word. At first if felt kind of weird to be telling him everything, it had been a long time since we talked about important stuff, I was used to talking about things like sports or the weather with him, not Bella, and definitely not my parents. He had this look in his eyes that made me think he already knew how the night turned out…and maybe he already knew a few things that I didn't know yet.

"Yeah, mom looked completely shocked to see me standing there. I thought she was going to pass out."

Jasper chuckled briefly but quickly became serious again. "Did they talk to you? Did you talk to them?"

I nodded, "Yeah, I talked to my dad more than my mom though, in fact, my dad, Charlie, and I took a walk."

"Really?" Jasper looked up at me surprised, "just the three of you?"

"Just the three of us…my dad suggested it…just a quick walk, while the coffee was brewing." And as I kept talking to Jasper, telling him about what happened, I suddenly stopped being so aware of who I was talking to…who I was sharing my feelings with…and for the first time in over a year…I wasn't lonely anymore…

...*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************...

My mom looked really awkward standing next to Bella in the kitchen. Bella kept trying to make small talk with her but all mom was saying was "uh hmm" to everything Bella said. My dad noticed it right away and he went and took Charlie from her arms.

"Let me see my grandson." He swung Charlie around before giving him a squeeze making Charlie squeal and giggle. He propped Charlie up on one arm and turned to me, "Let's take Charlie for a walk Edward, while we wait for the coffee, I think Charlie could use a little fresh air…what do you say?"

I glanced over at Bella, trying to gauge her response and she shot me a quick smile and a little nod of approval.

"Sure." I rose from my chair and both my dad and I made our way outside.

The night was warm, fall had just arrived but there were still signs of summer everywhere, the trees still held onto all of their leaves, and the birds and crickets still chirped in the night.

My dad was silent at first as we began our stroll, but just when we rounded the corner of the block he suddenly found his voice.

"It's good to see you son, you look…" he paused trying to think of the right word, "_healthy_."

"It's good to see you too." I answered honestly, "and thank you, I've been working hard at getting…_healthy_."

"Have you been visiting Bella and Charlie a lot lately?"

I shook my head, "No, this is my second time visiting Charlie, and Bella." I was starting to get nervous, wondering if my dad was going to ask me about Bella…or tell me about Jake.

"Bella…she didn't…tell us, that she saw you…not that she has to tell us…but…" his voice trailed away, he actually looked embarrassed.

"Well there's not much to tell." I tried to play it off as if it was something unimportant, "The first time was only for a couple of hours."

Charlie started to fuss in my dad's arms. Making frustrated baby grunts and scrunching his tiny face up into a scowl.

"What's the matter little Charlie?" my dad bounced Charlie in his arms, but Charlie wouldn't have it, he let out another cry and squirmed in my dad's arms. My dad struggled with him for a few more seconds and then looked over at me.

"Want to give it a shot?" he stretched out his arms and offered Charlie to me. I took him readily, bringing my son up to my shoulder letting his tummy press against my chest.

Charlie cried for a couple of seconds more and I brought my free hand up to his back rubbing gently, "It's okay son…" I whispered near his ear, "Daddy has you."

Charlie gave out this tiny whine and rested his head on my shoulder. His mouth opened into this huge yawn and he sleepily closed his eyes with a soft sigh.

My dad shot me a brief smile before continuing walking. "Looks like he hasn't forgotten who his father is."

I smiled back still rubbing Charlie's small frame. "Bella invited me to dinner." I offered, picking up our conversation again, "and I accepted. It's good to see her…and Charlie."

"Yes," my dad placed his hands in his trouser pockets as he walked, "it's very good that you see her, and Charlie. Makes your dad proud." My heart skipped at his words, but I didn't turn to look at him, he kept talking, "As long as you're not in a hurry…and you stay…_healthy_."

"There's no rush." I understood what my dad was trying to say, "And I plan on being healthy from now on."

We had almost rounded the block twice by now, we were just about to reach the house again when my dad suddenly stopped walking, he turned to face me, "Do you need any help son?" he asked with worry in his eyes.

I took a deep breath, knowing that once I passed this point there would be no turning back, I couldn't...no… I _wouldn't..._hurt any of them ever again. "I would really appreciate your help dad…so that I can keep staying healthy…so that I can get my family back."

My dad brightened considerably at my words, a happy smile taking over his face. "Anything you need son…anything…you let me know…you let your mother know…we'll be here." He reached out and patted me on my free shoulder, looking like he wanted to ruffle my hair too, then he straightened up, a little hop to his step. "Now let's go see what your mother and Bella are up to."

...*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************...

**BPOV**

Not only was I having that same agonizing dream of Edward over and over again…I also found myself daydreaming of him throughout the day. It was driving me crazy…I kept remember how soft and sweet his lips felt on mine…kept replaying his apology over and over in my mind. The look on his face, those heartfelt words…it wouldn't let me concentrate…get any work done.

And then there was the way him and Carlisle walked in the door from their walk. It took my breath away, made me feel weak in the knees. Carlisle came in first, pushing past the door with a look of pure contentment on his face. It even took Esme by surprise, her eyes widened and she almost poured coffee all over the counter.

But it was the sight of Edward that made my hands tremble, and I gripped the counter as tightly as I could to keep steady.

You see…I always knew Edward was beautiful…those eyes…that body…that killer smile. When we were younger I would tease him endlessly about all the girls who would giggle and flirt with him, even right in front of me, trying to get him to notice them. A big part of his attractiveness was that he never gave any of those girls the time of day…in fact; he was oblivious to their antics most of the time. So I would tease him, call him my trophy boyfriend…

But never once did he ever look as beautiful as he did walking though my front door with that gorgeous messy hair, wearing those dark blue jeans and white button down shirt with the cuffs rolled up, giving me just a peek of those strong arms…but the most precious part wasn't what he was wearing…it was who he was holding…because there in his arms was our son pressed against his shoulder, Edward's hand protectively over Charlie's back. Charlie looked completely blissful, his head nuzzled into Edward's neck, fast asleep.

It was the first time since Edward left that I saw him and our son together so peacefully, and I had to struggle to keep from sliding down the kitchen wall and onto the floor.

"We're just going to put Charlie down for you Bella…I'll go with Edward…you two go ahead and pour the coffee…" Carlisle's voice was deep and happy, he winked at his wife, "Esme…honey…don't spill it…" he chuckled as he and Edward disappeared down the hall.

Esme turned to look at me just then, her face a mixture of shock and chagrin. "Edward…" she began, her voice just a bit shaky, "Edward…he looks…he looks good, doesn't he?"

I could only nod in agreement…Edward did look good…gone was the hollowness from his cheeks…the haunted stare from his eyes…he looked so good, there was only one word I could think of…he looked…delicious…

...********************************************************************************************************************************************************************...

"When are you going to see her again?" Jasper was munching on a bowl of grapes I had offered him; he had been at my place for over two hours and didn't look like he was planning on leaving any time soon.

"I'm not sure…" I pressed my lips together, "I didn't tell her anything about seeing her again when I left the other night. I didn't want to ask her anything in front of my parents, you know."

"Yeah…you should keep the parents out for a while…unless you need them to babysit sit or something." Jasper winked at me.

"Hell…I wish I had the guts for that already," I leaped at the opportunity to discuss what had been eating at the back of my mind, "but I think there's something in my way first."

"What's that?" Jasper stopped chewing, frowning at me, "What's in the way?"

"Jake Black." I wasted no time getting right to the point. I guess Jasper wasn't prepared to go into a conversation about Jake and Bella, because he nearly choked on his grape, coughing and gasping for air.

"Jake?" he coughed some more.

"He's dating Bella right?" I pressed.

Jasper eyed me, wiping at his mouth. He seemed to be pondering whether to tell me the truth or not, he probably thought I would start drinking again if he told me.

"Are you sure you want to know Edward?" He was stalling now…I could tell.

"Yes." I said, "I want to know. How long has he been dating Bella?"

"Umm…" He wouldn't look at me anymore, "For a while…'bout four months…ummm…yeah."

"Are they serious?" I was eager to learn all that could; maybe I could figure out Jake's weaknesses and use them to my advantage.

"I think so…well I know Jake is…uh…he comes around a lot…he's a big shot businessman you know…he entertains all kinds of clients…always takes them to Bella's…uh…it makes him look like he's…a…um…a…family man…yeah…"

I kept staring at Jasper…why was he stuttering so much? He really thought I was going to start drinking again if he told me about Black?

"Does he…sleep…there?" I stared at a big black smudge on the wall behind Jasper's head. I made that smudge on the night I saw Bella at the park with Jake, I threw the first thing I could grab, a big ceramic pot that was supposed to be for plants, only the plant had already died and there was just dirt in there. I threw it so hard against the wall it smashed into a billion pieces leaving dark smudges all over the wall.

Jasper coughed again before looking at me. "He doesn't sleep there man."

"You sure?" I finally looked at him.

"I am a hundred percent positive…Jake Black doesn't sleep there." And then he chuckled to himself…

...********************************************************************************************************************************************************************...

November 1, 1989

Dear Emmett!

Halloween is over!

It was the best Halloween ever!

I know I said I wasn't going to go out but yesterday before school started Mom came into my room. She was holding a big box and said it was for me, that it came in the mail.

Thank you for the Batman costume!

It fit me perfectly! Mom just sighed and rolled her eyes, she told me I could wear it. I guess you helped me prove to Mom that I really really wanted to be Batman. The cape was really soft, and the mask was better than Jasper's Robin mask. All my friends at school were jealous. Plus Tanya gave me a big smile and she touched me on the arm and told me I looked really good! And then she gave me a big Hershey Bar! She didn't give anyone else Hershey Bars, just me!

After school when it got dark, Mom and Dad let me go out with Jasper Trick or Treating! We must have walked all over the whole town! I filled my entire sack to the top with candy! I will save you some.

You are the best brother in the whole world! I hope you had fun at your party! See you at Thanksgiving!

Edward!

...*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************...

Jasper's chuckle was still rolling around in my head before I went to bed that night. He wouldn't lie to me about Jake sleeping over at Bella's would he?

I moved slowly through the living room shutting off all the lights. Glancing at the small picture I still kept on my side table. It was a picture of Em and Rose, back when they were still in college. They were at a costume party…Rose was a Cheerleader in her short skirt and bright red pom poms, Emmett had his arm around her, he was dressed up as a Cowboy in his jeans with these leather boots, big huge buckle on his belt and this ridiculous cowboy hat. I grinned to myself to see them both looking at me happily.

I straightened the picture frame slightly before heading to my bedroom. I knew I was going to call Bella tomorrow and ask her out again. If she said yes then I also knew I was going to ask my parents to watch Charlie. I needed some time to reconnect with Bella, just us two, that way she wouldn't have an excuse to get rid of me so easily. There was something there…some little spark…and I was pretty sure we both felt it…and the more time we could spend together, the more it would grow.

I also knew that getting Jake out of the picture was going to take some work…and very careful planning…I wasn't even sure where to begin, but it didn't make me panic this time around…because I knew…that this time I wasn't alone…I wasn't going to have to fight this alone, I had my parents…and Jasper…and hopefully one day…Bella.

...********************************************************************************************************************************************************************...

**Hope you all plan to stick around with me. **

**See you at the next chapter...Sparks**

**And yes...I promise you...you will see sparks fly! ;)**

**Later everybody!**

**MBella**


	12. Sparks

**Welcome Back everyone! I am happy to see you all again. I've missed you too! LOL**

**I won't keep you long.**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I do not.**

**Chapter 12 Sparks**

**Enjoy!**

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

_Did I drive you away?  
I know what you'll say,  
You say, "Oh, sing one we know,"  
But I promise you this;  
I'll always look out for you,  
That's what I'll do._

…*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"Happy Birthday Edward!"

"Happy Birthday Eddie!"

"Blow out the candles!"

Everyone was staring at me smiling, and I was smiling back. It was my birthday; the first one Bella and I were celebrating as a married couple. Emmett and Rosie were both laughing through the glow of the flickering candles, and Bella was looking so excited her eyes sparkled.

No matter how hard I blew on those damn candles they wouldn't go out. Em's eyes danced around merrily as he snickered. I bet he had picked those candles out. Bella placed her hand over her mouth to keep from giggling.

"Come on…blow them out!"

"Come on Eddie! Make a wish."

They were all pretty much laughing at me now. I played along pretending to suck in this big deep breath. I knew Bella wouldn't let them get away with what they were doing to me. The candles were shooting off these little tiny gold sparks making the cake light up like the fourth of July. They were almost melted down to the nub when Bella finally placed her hand on my shoulder and smiled at me happily.

"Did you make a wish?" She whispered in my ear.

I nodded and winked at her. I was pretty sure I would get my wish later…after everyone left.

We all sat around eating this delicious chocolate cake that Bella and Alice had made together. They put these tiny strawberries on top with little white puffs of whipped cream, it was like a sundae in your mouth.

Em entertained the crowd as usual telling them stories of my youth, most of them made up…_most_ of them…

"I spent all night searching for that damn thing so he could wear it on Halloween." Em was waving his hands in the air. "Mom wanted to put him in tights and there was just no way I could let that happen."

"You should have seen him," Rose chimed in, "Going to all the costume stores asking for a Batman costume. Then when we finally found it we had to ship it out overnight. I think it cost Em a little over eighty dollars when it was all said and done."

"But there was nothing too good for my brother…after all it was his idea about the boots, remember _the boots_ Rosie? So I mean I _had_ to pay him back for that idea…"

"The boots?" Rosie tilted her head frowning.

"Yeah, the boots Rose…remember…you made me wear them…and nothing else…"

By now the entire room was laughing including me, Rose just pretended to punch Em and he threw his arms around her and kissed her right there.

I was pretty tired by the time Bella and were alone again. I helped her clean up the strays cups and paper plates. I set out the second garbage bag next to the first one as she was wiping down the table with a sponge. I just watched her for a second marveling at all that was mine, knowing that in just a few minutes I was going to have her all to myself. My very own birthday present…

She turned then as if she could sense me watching her, shooting me a brilliant smile and ushering me over to her.

"Did you have a fun birthday?" she giggled.

"It's not over yet, I hope." I nuzzled into her neck.

"Nope…there's one more present I have for you…" she kissed the top of my forehead.

"Just one?" I pretended to whine, "I was hoping for two or even three…"

She laughed, "Well I can do two or three but I'm pretty sure you are going to be completely immobile after the first one."

"It's gonna be that good huh?" I teased, suddenly excited, "What it is? You have something or maybe _nothing _on under there." I tried to peer down her dress, wrapping my arm around her waist and bringing her body next to mine. She yelped, laughing, tossing the sponge onto the table without a care in the world and wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me down into her…kissing me…letting me know that I was about to receive the best present yet.

"Any special requests?" she whispered in my ear.

"Got any Cowboy boots?" I whispered back, setting her off into another fit of giggles.

"I don't have Cowboy boots," she was still giggling, "But I do have these…" she pulled away from me and walked around the far end of the table pulling out a tiny bag, what seemed from nowhere.

"Can't be boots in there…" I grinned as visions of black lacy undergarments flashed through my head.

"Don't be so sure Edward." She winked at me.

I just wrinkled my nose at her and stuck my hand inside the bag. It felt soft and velvety as I pulled it out.

At first my eyes couldn't believe what they were seeing, they both fit right onto the palm of my hand, and they were just so tiny…

Two tiny yellow baby booties rested there in my outstretched palm. I just looked up at Bella as she watched me her face beaming.

"Bella?" I asked at lost for words.

"Happy Birthday Mr. Cullen, we're pregnant."

That night certainly went down as the best birthday I had ever had…

…*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

I couldn't get the song out of my mind. It just rolled around over and over in my head, haunting me… Even sitting in Dr. Clearwater's office, it just kept plucking away at my brain…I don't even know what I was saying.

"That's great news Mr. Cullen. I was hoping to hear something like that from you today."

I just stared blankly at Dr. Clearwater I was distracted today, not really listening to anything he had to say, besides I had already talked to Jasper about all of this and I didn't have any interest in retelling it again.

"Hmmm? Uh..thanks." I looked down at my watch and back up at him. I had told him briefly about the talk I had with Bella the other night, I left out most of the details. I thought he might be annoyed with me but he actually looked pleased…really really pleased.

"So, are you expecting a call or something" he almost laughed at me.

"Wha…a what? Call? No." I scratched my head at Dr. Clearwater's words. He was confusing me, his normal sullen temperament was gone and some cheerful old guy had replaced him.

"And what's that tune you're humming?" Dr. Clearwater cocked his head to the side pushing up his glasses, he almost reminded me of a grandpa,"It's nice." He nodded.

"What?" I asked again clearly not thinking straight. Was I humming? Well there were these few chords that had staked their place into my brain and hadn't left. I had been playing around with them for a few days, nothing concrete yet.

"Why don't we call our session short today Mr. Cullen…you seem a bit preoccupied anyways. We take this up again next week."

I looked up at him sharply…feeling almost glad that I was being excused. I didn't feel that same need to tell him every little detail, to go over every single word Bella and I had exchanged during our previous talk…to figure out the hidden meanings…that little nagging voice that always lingered in the back of my head was gone today and oddly…I felt free…

..******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"Cullen…looking good today man." Jasper was back at my front door. It was the third time this week and I was actually looking forward to his visits. He always came over on Fridays, making the weekends a little less lonely.

"Thanks. How you've been? How's Alice." I moved the day's paper off the sofa and ushered him to sit down.

"We're all good." Jasper sat down with ease. "Alice and Bella are going shopping today."

"More good clothes sales?" I grinned. Bella and Alice could never pass up a good sale at the Mall.

"Little different, this one…"Jasper leaned forward and looked me right in the eyes, "It's your son's birthday party tomorrow, I wanted you to know that."

"His birthday is not until the 10th." I glanced over at the calendar hanging by the light switch. There were still two weekends before his birthday.

"I know that, she wanted to have it early because…uh…she has to work on the 9th and wouldn't have enough time then." Jasper looked a bit uneasy but quickly grabbed the can of pop I offered him and opened it, "Anyways, I thought you ought to know, so you can get over there and…" his voice lingered off; I kept staring at him,

"Get over there and what?" I asked.

"Get over there and get yourself invited." He chuckled gulping down his soda in one drink.

I just shook my head at him.

"What? Why not?" Now he looked disappointed.

"I can't make her invite me." I argued, "I just talked to her two days ago and she didn't even mention it."

"Well she can't seem all eager you know…" Jasper chuckled to himself like he had this gem of a secret that he wasn't telling me.

"She didn't act like she was hiding anything at all…" I stared at him pointedly, "She didn't bring up Charlie's second birthday, not once."

"Give her time man…" Jasper suddenly responded seriously to my tone and sat up a bit straighter, "Give Bella a little time, she's still hurting," he handed me back the empty can, his brown eyes piercing right into mine "She just needs to trust you again…that's all…"

I shrugged, "She has all the time in the world…I'm not going anywhere."

"That's good to hear." Jasper leaned back into the sofa still staring at me. "Because she might need it…"

…********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

I hadn't had a chance to go to Bella's yet, I was sitting across from my Dad at this little café over on the corner of Market and Bow Street. My dad called me minutes after Jasper had left my place inviting me over for lunch.

It felt good to be talking to people again and having places to go to…and at the same time it felt weird. I couldn't remember a time where it was just me and my dad sitting in a restaurant…talking.

For lack of anything better to say and because I was dying to know I just came right out and said it…

"Will you be going to Charlie's birthday party tomorrow?"

My dad looked up surprised but his face quickly turned to a smile, "Oh. You know about Charlie's party, yes, your mom and I will be there. Are you going too Edward?"

I just shook my head, "I don't think so."

"No?" My dad looked disappointed, "Why not?"

I glanced up into his face again struggling with telling him flat out how I felt or maybe I should just skim over the top, I really wanted to confide in him, but how would I even begin? "I didn't get invited." I kept it simple.

"I'm sorry son, I am sure Bella wants you there, she is just being extra cautious." He kept his voice neutral.

"I completely understand." Even though I really didn't understand, why wasn't love enough sometimes?

"Son, do you remember when you turned nine years old?" My dad's eyes looked a little sad when he said that to me. I tried to think but I couldn't remember any significance of my ninth birthday.

"There was only one thing in the world that you wanted…just one thing…and your mother and I wouldn't buy it for you."

"What was it?" I kept trying to remember but I figured that since I didn't remember, it must not have been all that important.

"You wanted a puppy."

That was all he had to say and the memories came rushing back to me. I begged for an entire year for a puppy, I remembered that now…there was a pet shop that Em and I would walk in front of every day to school and a tiny brown and white puppy lived there behind the glass. He didn't have a name but I named him anyways, he was called Moses. Now don't ask me where I came up with that name, I don't know…all I know was that I loved that puppy more than anything and Moses was all I wanted for my birthday.

But the big day came and went and no Moses. I stomped around the house mad at the world and didn't talk to neither of my parents for two days.

"I wanted Moses." I said out loud looking back at my Dad, he just raised his eyebrows at me, "I named the dog Moses." I added.

"I see…Moses…well, you didn't get Moses."

"No I didn't…why not dad? Why didn't I get a puppy for my birthday?" I was suddenly eager to find out the answer…after all these years…after all this time.

"You weren't ready son. You were only nine and couldn't take care of a dog all on your own. We almost gave in when your brother came to us and told us he would help you. That if we got you a puppy for your birthday that he would make sure you took care of him properly. Your mother and I almost got him for you but we stopped ourselves. Do you want to know why?"

I just nodded.

"Because what would we be teaching you? If we got you a puppy but your brother had to do all the work? How would you learn the responsibility all on your own? We were not perfect parents Edward, in fact we take most of the blame for what has happened…to _both _of our sons…"

Not sure I was making sense of what I was hearing, but inside I knew whatever my dad was trying to tell me it went far beyond getting me a puppy.

"Emmett was mad at us for not getting you a puppy." My dad smiled at me again, "He wouldn't talk to us for two weeks."

"Two weeks?" my eyes shot upward in surprise.

"Yes I know…two weeks…I think you didn't talk to us for a couple of days, but your brother…boy he was stubborn…he didn't speak not one single word to us for two weeks."

We both let out a soft chuckle at Em's bullheadedness.

"That brother of yours…once something got into his head that he wanted to do…he wouldn't rest until it got done…no matter what…"

…******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

I guess I understood why I wasn't being invited to my own son's birthday party. And I told myself that I wasn't going to barge my way in…I would give Bella the time she needed, however long that might be.

That didn't mean I couldn't give my son a gift, something simple, no puppies this year…

So with all that jumbled up in my head along with that crazy tune that was still making me hum, I made my way around to the birthday party isle looking for something that would make Charlie stand out from the rest of the kids at his birthday party.

I found it easily. A tiny, cute…but not too cute…birthday party hat, it had this sparkling, shiny foil around it and a big yellow number 2 on the front. What made it stand apart from the other hats was that there was the big yellow feather on the top that I knew he would get a kick out of.

With my prize in hand I made my way over to Bella's house. I was feeling good, at peace with myself when I knocked on her door. I was not going to expect anything out of Bella, certainly not an invitation.

Still, her smile, when she realized it was me sent shivers up and down my spine.

"Edward! Hi! Come in please." She pulled her door wide open to let me in. Charlie was sitting in his high chair waving his spoon in the air, a few cheerios stuck to his cheek.

It was as if I stepped into heaven, Bella was wearing this bright yellow apron over her jeans, her hair piled high up on her head with a clip. She was holding a small baby cup in her hands as she made her way back to Charlie.

Charlie of course was pleased that his mother had returned to his side. He opened his mouth wide at the drink she was offering him.

"Charlie's happy to see you." Bella smiled at me and then at Charlie. Charlie just banged his spoon on his tray and yelled for more drink.

"I'm glad you're both here." I began; feeling calm inside, this used to be my home, maybe it could be again one day. "I have something for Charlie, for his party." I pulled out the hat and Charlie immediately became entranced with all the colors and forgot about his cheerios.

Bella eyed me with surprise at first but then let out this sweet laugh, "Oh! It's adorable! Thank you so much! Charlie looks like he loves it too!"

I guess deep down I was really hoping that she would use this moment to finally ask me if I wanted to come to the party, but instead she just started chatted about all the fun things her and Charlie did that day to get ready for his party.

"We went to the party supply store and got some streamers and balloons. Charlie got to pick out some fun noisemakers for his guests…we didn't get a hat for him though so this is just perfect. Thank you Edward."

I just smiled at her, feeling pleased. Jasper and my dad were right…I needed to give her time, time to get used to me again, to trust me again…all that needed to happen before I would get invited to anything. There would be more parties…holidays…milestones…I wouldn't miss them all.

We talked for while longer, until Charlie's eyes grew tired. Still he fought sleep, toddling around the living room, going back and forth between me and Bella, jabbering away in his baby talk, making us both laugh.

When Bella tried to settle him down, he refused, letting out these deep heart wrenching cries and even extending out his arms to me to be held. I think he was just playing the guilt card though.

Bella shot me an apologetic look, "I'm sorry, he's usually not this bad at bedtime…"

"Let me hold him, please, it would be no trouble at all." I reached for my son and almost like magic he quieted down.

Bella let out this soft giggle before turning away from us and picking up a few stray toys tossed around the living room.

Charlie was fussy, poor guy, probably due to all the excitement of getting ready for his big day. I felt really lucky that I had dropped in at just the right time, Dr. Clearwater would be proud of me; I took a chance, without over thinking it and it actually worked out.

I pulled the covers up near Charlie's head, tucking him in and brushing back his hair. He opened his eyes sleepily at me before offering me a small smile. Out of nowhere I could hear myself humming…it was the same melody I had been humming in Dr Clearwater's office. I had been working on it for the last two weeks. I only had a few verses floating around in my head but I somewhere deep inside me I already knew how the entire song would end.

"I missed the good part…" I sang softly, just barely letting my voice be heard, I didn't want to rouse Charlie. "I started looking for excuses…" I kept humming the tune, filling in the blanks where I didn't have any words figured out for it yet.

When I was finally sure Charlie was fast asleep I brushed his hair away one more time and silently crept out of his room.

The hallway was dark…but I could see a tiny flicker of light, just a spark, over near the kitchen area. It was eerily silent and for a brief second I thought maybe Bella had gone to bed. But no, there she was…her back towards me…her head looking down at this small white receiver in her hand. She was immobile, and all I could see was her dark hair flowing down her back.

For some reason all I wanted to do at that instant was walk right up to her and wrap my arms around her. No talking…no wondering…just pull her to me and place my head on her back and _feel _her next me.

And I think for a moment I was actually going to do that when she suddenly turned around. Her eyes met mine instantly, they were dark…almost black…and they looked at me with something that threw me for a loop. I swear I saw desire in her eyes…it was there…I saw it…at least I think I saw it…

She placed that receiver down on the counter not caring that it fell over sideways and started walking right towards me. She didn't say a word, but she didn't have to. I froze where I was, just outside the hallway, still partially hidden in the darkness, unsure once again of what to do, but that didn't seem to faze her, she kept walking. And her walking grew bolder…more determined, I could see it all over her face, there was something she needed to do once she reached me and I wasn't sure what it was.

My heart started pounding then…because whatever line we crossed tonight…we couldn't ever go back, in fact, whatever we'd been nurturing between us these last few weeks, it was growing pretty strong, it wasn't just a flicker any longer, it had caught a spark, and was now a real... true... flame.

My hands almost twitched, wanting to reach out for her as she headed in my direction, and the way her soft brown hair was bouncing all around her, just made my ache for her grow.

When she was just an arm's reach away and my brain was screaming at me to take that last step and close that final distance between us, to tell her that I still loved her, her and our son…

She paused…

Not because of me, at least I hope not, but because the fucking doorbell rang…_twice_.

She shot me this quick look that reminded me of regret and then hurried for the door.

My heart never hardened so fast as it did that night. Jake blew through the door as if he owned the place, and I guess in his mind…he did.

"Bella honey, I have everything ready for tomorrow. How's our little guy?" He was holding this big cardboard box full of decorations and streamers. I could see the blue and yellow colors all blending together in this great big glittery mess.

"Jake…it's late, Charlie's already asleep." Bella made no mention that I was there, which made my heart sink a little.

"I figured our little guy would be worn out from our busy day today…shopping for your birthday party is hard work when you're two." Jake laughed, placing the box down on the kitchen counter.

I stayed hidden in the hallway's dark shadows, struggling with myself. I had automatically assumed Bella and Alice had done all the birthday party shopping, that's what Jasper had said right? From the look and sound of it, it was Jake who had been with her.

My heart kept pounding, but this time out of anger and frustration. Should I jump out at them and make a scene? Pretend I wasn't there and see what Bella would do? Or maybe act all cocky, walking out as if I belonged there, had always belonged there…but the more Jake talked the more I just wanted to listen…and the more I listened…the more my heart just wanted to run and hide.

"Thank you Jake, I know Charlie will love these." Bella's voice was higher than normal; no doubt she was nervous at having both of us in the house so close.

"There's nothing I wouldn't do for him Bella, you know that, and you too." Jake didn't even look at Bella, he didn't need to I guess, he felt right at home taking all the goodies out of the box and spreading them all over the counter, "I know we didn't pick this one out together but when I saw it I had to buy it…" I narrowed my eyes trying to focus on what he was holding; I could only partially see it.

"It's adorable. Thank you." There was no doubt that Bella's voice was shaking now…and when I finally looked at what was in her hand I figured out why…she was holding a party hat…a child's party hat…with a bright blue number 2 on it. It was almost similar to the one I had brought over, except mine had a yellow 2 on it and a great big feather on the top. I just blinked stupidly to myself, trying not to let defeat wash over me. I didn't know what was worse…that both Jake and I had bought the same thing for my son, or the fact that Jake had been in the house for over ten minutes and Bella still hadn't said a word to him about me…

"I'll be sure to let him see it when he wakes up…thanks for stopping by." Now it sounded like Bella was trying to usher Jake out the door, but it was too late for me really, I just wanted to get the fuck out of there.

"Can I peek at him? Just give him a little peck goodbye?" It was clear Jake didn't want to leave, how was Bella going to get out of this one?

"Normally that wouldn't be a problem; you know that Jake, but tonight Charlie had such a hard time settling down…he was so fussy and crying…he wouldn't calm down until E…ermm…he heard a song. I really don't think it's a good idea. Besides, you'll see him tomorrow."

Jake didn't say anything else after that, but I guess he silently agreed and made his way out the door. I was practically seething in the hallway at this point, just wanted grab my shit and head on out of there. Once I heard the click of the door I didn't wait for Bella to come back into view, I just marched right out into the kitchen area and grabbed my jacket off the back of one of her bar stools.

She silently watched me for a second, not moving from her position near the door. It almost made me madder that she didn't even offer me an explanation, but my brain told me that she didn't have to. She still wasn't mine; she didn't have to tell me anything. I had hurt her for almost two years and never once offered her an explanation, why should she have to do that for me now?

"Thanks for letting me see Charlie." I tried not to sound gruff but I knew you could hear it in my voice. "I better get going…I see you have a lot of decorating to do…" I silently cursed myself for that last sarcastic comment.

She studied me silently for a second before saying, "You're leaving?"

The tone of her voice made me pause, it sounded almost sad, wishful.

"It's late." Was all I could think of in reply.

She looked down at the floor, shifting her feet a little bit before looking back up at me. She nodded silently and then took a hasty deep breath… "Will you come back tomorrow? For Charlie's party, it starts at noon."

I just stared at her, wondering what the hell she was getting at. Didn't she realize what she just said…she wanted me to come to the party…the party that everyone, including Jake, would be at…

"But maybe you can get here a little bit early and help me…decorate?" her voice lowered almost to a whisper and her hands were clasped tightly together. She looked just like that college girl I remembered so long ago. It was making me so dizzy, the highs and lows, I wanted to clasp my hands to my head and just shake away all the confusion. But my heart…that same old beating heart…just wouldn't let me go…

"Bella…I…" I was really at loss for words here. I mean I was pretty sure I heard what she had asked me, and there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to be here…but where would that put us?

"No, I'm sorry, it's okay. Never mind, I shouldn't have asked you…it's too much…too soon…I'm sorry." She turned away from me and picked up one of the yellow streamers from Black's fucking box and for some insane reason that set me off…

"Baby…look at me…" I could hear the cracking of my voice, and it made her turn around in complete surprise, the yellow streamer falling freely from her open hand back onto the counter.

"I'll be here…tomorrow…early. For you and for Charlie…I'll be here…"

...*****************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**So have you ever been this excited over a birthday party? LOL**

**Drop me a review when you get the chance. I love hearing from you!**

**See you at the next chapter...Talk**

**Later...MBella**


	13. Talk

**So...I took a little time off from work this week and see what happens...LOL Consider it my early holiday gift to you all. :)**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I do not.**

**Chapter 13 Talk**

**Enjoy!**

**...****************************************************************************************************************************************************

_You could take a picture of something you see_  
_In the future where will I be?_  
_You could climb a ladder up to the sun_  
_Or write a song nobody had sung_  
_Or do something that's never been done_

_...**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************_

Jasper looked more excited than me. He kept vetoing my shirt choices.

"Not the jean shirt Edward…that makes you look…" Jasper sighed, "like a dork."

I shot him a warning look and grabbed my black button down shirt instead.

"Yeah, wear that one…it makes you look like Bond…James Bond…" then he was a laughing fool.

I threw the shirt on and began buttoning it, "Can it Whitlock…I think you need to get out of here. I have to head to Bella's in about ten minutes."

Jasper snickered at me before pulling himself away from my bedroom doorway. "Whatever you say Mr. Bond."

I just ignored him and went around the other side of my bed for my shoes. Jazz was making me nervous, and hell I was nervous enough without all his goofing around.

"Take Bella some flowers." Jazz's tone changed as he watched me tie my laces.

I looked up from my shoes, one eyebrow raised, "What for?"

"Trust me man, take Bella some flowers today." Was all he would say…

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Okay so here I was at eleven in the morning standing on her doorstep with one long colorful box and a dozen yellow wildflowers. I didn't want to take anything to fancy to Bella but for some reason Jasper's little comment struck a nerve with me and I went to first open flower shop I could find.

There are women in this world that take hours getting ready, every article of clothing matched, every strand of hair in place, every flaw camouflaged…Bella was not one of those woman, yet she always looked just perfect to me.

She opened the door wearing these cut off Capri jeans, and a pretty light blue silky tee that had these tiny ruffles on the sleeves. Her sandals were a shimmery silver color that shot tiny sparkles around her legs whenever the sun hit them. She looked beautiful and happy when she saw me and stretched out her hands to help me with my items.

She didn't say anything directly to me, but the words that came out of her mouth completely made my day.

"Oh look Charlie! Daddy's here!"

I already knew I was grinning, I wasn't even in the house yet and my heart was beating a mile a minute.

"These are for you." I held out the flowers to her.

"Oh! They are just beautiful, thank you Edward." Her smile was completely contagious and I entered the house not even remembering what had happened here the night before.

Charlie toddled happily over to me holding one of the noisemakers in his hand. He held it out in a friendly offering.

"Hi Charlie." I squatted down to his level holding out my hand, "Thank you."

He giggled at me and placed the wet noisemaker in my palm, "Da." He said.

"Thank you." I smiled again at him.

Bella was moving around the kitchen putting her flowers in a vase, I noticed she already had a vase of pink roses on the counter which she pushed near the back. Jake flashed briefly in my mind but I was quickly distracted when Charlie took my hand and led me out to the dining room.

"Boom." He said pointing to the table. "Boom."

"What's that?" I cocked my head to the side, "What's boom Charlie?"

"Boom!" he looked madder now, clearly not happy with me.

"He wants a balloon." Bella's voice came from behind me; she was standing at the entrance her arms crossed, smiling.

"Oh a balloon!" I immediately reached for a bright red balloon and began to blow it up. Charlie clapped excitedly his eyes growing wide as the balloon grew. He took it from me once I tied it and paraded around the room with it. Bella just laughed at him and then turned to me.

"Would you like something to drink? Some coffee…juice?" Her words came out very fast as if she just realized she had said the word "drink" in front of me. I tried to put her at ease, let her know that it was perfectly okay for her to say things like that to me, that it was perfectly normal.

"Coffee sounds great thank you."

I guess I made her nervous because she began chatting a mile a minute, not letting me get a word in edgewise.

"You're mom is coming over in a bit with the cake, Carlisle is taking Charlie out for a bit so we can decorate without him underfoot. It's hard to get anything done with a two year old. Alice said not to worry about the ice cream, her and Jasper are stopping by the grocery store for a gallon, or ten…whatever possesses Alice at the moment. I can never tell with her…" she handed me a mug and a small smile, "There are only about five other kids coming, we met most of them at the park and Charlie's daycare friends…"

I took a sip of the hot liquid and nodded. I actually didn't mind listening to Bella, her voice sounded so happy.

"I think I baked like a million cupcakes after you left last night…I couldn't sleep anyways…and Charlie loves chocolate…with strawberries…just like you…uh…he loves strawberries…"

I smiled at her, giving her a little nod. I was starting to feel a little bit cocky, like my old self again, knowing that I was the cause of all this nervousness, I mean all I was doing was sitting at the counter with my coffee watching her dance around her kitchen. I even worked up the nerve to shoot her a crooked smile and compliment her.

"You look pretty today…I like you with your hair down." I did try to keep my voice neutral, but still, you could hear some of the cockiness.

She froze for a second and then just smiled at me some more, and I think just to tease me she shook her hair around her just the tiniest bit. It almost made me choke on my coffee…

My mother chose that moment to breeze through the door her arms laden with gifts all wrapped for Charlie, my dad was behind her holding this very enormous, very chocolately cake.

"Bella dear…where do you want Carlisle to put the cake? And where are we putting the gifts…Oh! Edward!" suddenly my mom was all smiles, "How are you darling? It's wonderful to see you here."

My dad was struggling behind my mom with the cake but she wouldn't move out of the way, it nearly made me chuckle.

"I'm great mom, how are you? Dad? Do you need any help?"

My mom gave a little jump and moved out of the way, letting my dad by. Bella was stifling a laugh biting down on her lower lip. For being adults we were all pretty comical at the moment.

Charlie of course stole the limelight when he let out this happy shout at the sight of my parents. They immediately scooped him up and wished him a happy birthday.

My dad eyed both Bella and me quickly before hitching Charlie up on one arm and placing his free hand on my mom's shoulder, "Esme, honey, let's get Charlie out from underfoot so Bella and Edward can decorate in peace. They have a lot to get done before the guests get here."

My mom gave him a face clearly indicating that she didn't want to go anywhere but dad wouldn't give in.

"Don't you think Bella needs more…" she began, but my dad cut her off…

"Bella has Edward, Esme…she has what she needs here…" and he pulled her out the door…

…**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**BPOV**

It was dark and smoky when I entered the room. Even though it was only 2pm outside you would never guess it from inside this place…it could have been midnight for all you know.

It was always the same. Same people, same sickly atmosphere. Everyone here was drowning their sorrows the only way they knew how. It was worse than a prison, and very very sad.

Still, I was driven to come here…sometimes two or three nights in a row, I would slide in unnoticed and watch, then leave the same way. No one ever bothered me, except an occasional gaudy waitress or drunken idiot. I always brushed them away, never ordering anything or accepting any advances.

There was only one reason I came here…_him_…to spy on him. At first it was the same…night after night he would sit all alone drinking glass after glass of liquor, never giving the bartender a break always asking for just one more refill. It tore at my insides watching what he was doing to himself, wondering why he couldn't just turn to me instead.

I had lost too…we all had lost, but somehow we channeled our grief in other ways, in comforting each other…trying to move on the way we thought Emmett would want us to…all of us except Edward. He pushed us all away…wouldn't talk to any of us, so I found myself here at this bar night after night just watching him…making sure he was still alive.

I couldn't give up on him just yet, he still was my entire world and I didn't want our child to grow up without a father.

I still remember the night I gave up…was _forced_ to give up...not so much because of what I saw, more of because what I felt that night. The memory was still so raw in my brain and heart and it was so painful to relive it, but I did relive it…almost every day I relived it…

You see what happened that day was different from all the others…not only was it the day my son nearly died, it was the day I saw Edward with her…and what I saw was clearly not platonic. It didn't matter that both of them were falling over drunk, it didn't matter that I kept hearing him call her "Bella", it was just the way he was touching her…kissing her right there in that bar for all the world to see. Even the bartender told them to get a room and Edward only laughed at him and told him to refill _both_ their drinks.

She wasn't even pretty…nothing special about her and I knew it didn't matter to Edward…nothing mattered to him anymore…since he lost his brother, he had decided that he lost everything.

No, I don't know who she was, or even her name…I don't really care either because that was the night I stopped going…I never stepped foot in there again.

It was right in the middle of the whole groping kissing scene when I got the call from the daycare. I still tried…one more time…right there in the bar, in front of everyone…the bartender…that awful girl…the snotty waitress. I ran up to Edward and pulled on his sleeve.

"Charlie's sick…come on Edward…" my voice was frantic…I was frantic…there was an ambulance on the way to Charlie's daycare and I needed to leave now.

Edward just squinted his eyes at me and blinked, looking back and forth from me to that girl sitting next to him…he had no idea what was going on.

"Please come with me Edward! We have to go now…" I kept pulling on him, trying to make him stand up. He frowned at me through his drunken stupor and then pulled his arm away, turning to the bartender once more,

"Hey Frankie! Pour me another one!" He completely ignored me.

"Please!" I begged, "I have to go Edward! It's Charlie! It's Charlie!" I was already digging through my purse for my keys. Edward wasn't going to come…just like Emmett…he was gone.

Edward just let out a loud guffaw while the bartender rolled his eyes, "I don't know why you girls come here." He said pouring Edward's drink in front of me, "This guy is a loser."

His words stung my ears and in a blur of tears I flew out of there and out the door trying to control my sobs through my panic. I made it to the hospital just as the ambulance was pulling in. My son was non responsive for two days, hooked up to machines that were three times bigger than him, monitoring his every breath. I don't think I ate, slept, or left Charlie's bedside for one single minute.

But there was still something tugging at my heart, making me call Edward's place over and over again, begging him to meet me at the hospital. Knowing that if the worst happened I needed him to be here…

He never came.

And Charlie got better…slowly…but surely, Charlie got better. The doctors educated me on food allergies and how to care properly for him at home; he would need a special diet and more testing to make sure he wasn't allergic to any other foods.

I didn't breathe easier until Charlie was finally unhooked from all those machines, until I could hold him in my arms again. He had to stay in the hospital a few more days, just to be sure he was okay, and that was fine by me. The day before he was going to be released started out like all the others. I was able to bathe him and feed him breakfast. He had one more blood test to take care of and then we would take our walk down the halls of the hospital, visiting some of the nice nurses who had taken a liking to Charlie.

Edward's parents came that day; they brought Charlie a stuffed bunny which he loved.

Sometime before lunch or maybe it was after, I can't really remember…we had gone down to the lobby to visit the one of the sweet hospital ladies that worked the flower shop. What we saw instead turned my stomach, because there sprawled on the floor of the lobby was Edward, screaming at the top of his lungs about needing to see his son.

His clothes were in disarray, he reeked of alcohol and cigarette smoke. His normal beautiful hair was all greasy, sticking up in every direction, his eyes flashing wildly all around him. He couldn't even focus, throwing himself crazily at the guards who were trying to calm him down.

This was not the man I married; this was a stranger…a stranger I didn't know at all, someone else had taken over Edward's body and left this behind.

I was frozen in shock at first; even his parents who were by my side were stunned motionless at the sight. They knew Edward had started drinking but they had never seen him like this.

It was when Edward said my name… "Bella" all slurred and slow that got me angry…I hadn't gotten angry at him yet…all this time…all those days at the bar…I still hadn't gotten angry…until then…until he said my name.

All the compassion I held for him left me, I knew that I wasn't the one who was going to be able to help him…I wasn't going to be enough. It would have to come from him…if he was ever going to change it would have to come from him.

So I made it easy for him…I told him to get out…to leave…Charlie and I didn't need him, even though we did…everyday of our lives we did…I told him that we would be just fine without him, even though we weren't…and then because that old Bella just wouldn't let go…because she just wanted to see if the old Edward was still in there somewhere I told him that I knew he didn't love me anymore…that he didn't love his son anymore…and all that drunk Edward could do is stare at me…just stare at me…

…******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"Alice said she's buying him a bike, but I told her he's still too small for a bike. But you know Alice, she's going to buy him whatever she wants, she spoils him too much…"

Bella was still talking, she hadn't ceased, not even for a minute since my parents walked out the door. We were standing out under the patio hanging the streamers. We had less than fifteen minutes before the guests were scheduled to arrive…I wasn't quite sure what to make of all this talking…it was beginning to make me nervous.

I was standing on this step stool trying to hang the streamer with her below me holding up the other end; she just kept on going…and going…

"I told her to at least wait until next year when he turns three but you know her, will she listen, no…"

"Bella could you…" but Bella wasn't even looking at me…

"And Jasper is even worse, he wanted to get the hot rod bike for Charlie, but I put my foot down on that that one…"

"Bella I need more…" Now I was looking down at her, tugging a little on the streamer trying to get her attention and make her let go at the same time…still nothing…

"So I guess we compromised…a normal blue bike for Charlie with training wheels…"

"Bella…" I didn't know how else to get her attention, "Baby…I need more."

Her head jerked up to me immediately at my words, her hands clutching the streamer, crinkling it up.

"What?" she just kept looking at me.

I didn't move my eyes off of her face, "I need more Bella…you're holding on too tight." I tugged at the streamer again.

"Oh," she looked down at her hands and released the blue paper, "Sorry."

"It's okay." I didn't move, "It's okay."

She ran her hand through her hair nervously, the sun made tiny streaks of brown shine back up at me. I wanted to reach down and touch her, reassure her that I was here to stay. My hand even moved down to her but she didn't let me keep going, she took a tiny step backwards.

"I better go open the front door; everyone will be here any minute. Your parents should be back by now."

"Okay." I just nodded still holding on to the blue streamer.

It started innocently enough…people mingling about. Alice taking a billion pictures with her fancy camera. Jazz was cool, hanging out by my side, keeping me company. Bella looked more at ease with the crowd, bouncing around with Charlie from guest to guest, thanking them for coming.

The atmosphere changed though when Black finally arrived. He came only bearing one gift, but it was a big assed box that you could tell had been professionally wrapped.

He didn't see me at first, and made a beeline for Bella and Charlie. They were talking to a young girl with her small daughter. He waltzed right passed me, over to them placing his hand on the small of Bella's back and extending his other hand to the girl.

"Easy..." Was all that Jasper said to me. I guess he noticed me gripping my plastic cup a little harder.

I kept watching, not saying anything. Waiting for the moment when he would finally see me there. Once Bella and the girl went their separate ways, Black sort of ushered her to the far corner of the patio where he began talking to her in a low voice.

"Wait…" Jasper was like my freaking subconscious…stopping me from taking my first step.

Bella just shook her head at him…not mad or anything like, but more like an innocent_… I don't know what you're talking about_…look.

But then Black frowned at her and placed his hand at her elbow, nothing threatening, but it clearly made me see red.

"Ok. Go. Now." He didn't have to tell me twice, I was already cutting my way through the crowd, coming up from behind Black, holding back to urge to grab him by the shoulder and spin him around, and then deck him…

"Bella…mom's asking me about the cake…would you like to cut the cake now?" I completely ignored Black, positioning my body in between them, totally cutting him off.

He was slightly behind me but I could still see his stunned expression, his mouth open midsentence.

"Yes, thank you Edward, please tell Esme that we will do the cake right now." She gave me a bright smile and then turned to Black, "Jake, we'll talk about this later…right now it's time for cake." and walked away from him.

I followed her back through the patio and Jazz winked at me as we passed him, as silly as it sounds, I wanted to give him a high five and do a little dance right then and there.

Jake was totally sulking now…it was easy to see…he didn't come near me at all, not even once. He sat there in the corner to the dining room in his neat black suit and red tie just eyeing me. We all sang happy birthday to Charlie who watched us with wide eyes from his mother's arms. He dived happily into his slice of cake though; while Alice danced all around us taking pictures.

Jasper slid up behind me and pressed a napkin into my hands, "Go help clean him up…_daddy_." He whispered giving me a little shove with his shoulder.

I placed my own plate down and walked over to Charlie's high chair. "All right big guy, time to get cleaned up…"

Charlie looked up at me, his face a happy chocolate mess. "Da!" he yelled at me.

"Yes," I answered smiling at him, "Clean up."

"Da!" he yelled again, "Da da da…"

Bella was trying to wipe up some of the dripping ice cream that had spilled onto the table but she stopped what she was doing to look at us.

"Here, you got chocolate here and here and here…" I tried to dab at his nose and mouth.

"Uh!" Charlie shook his head no, "Da…" he frowned, "Dadda."

I think I froze then, it was clear that Charlie was calling me dadda, Bella noticed it at the same time because her eyes met mine and they were just shining.

"Dadda!" Charlie kept saying over and over again.

Even my dad had to laugh. "Edward…he's calling you."

"What?" I turned my head away from Bella, "Oh, yeah." I smiled back at my dad and then at Charlie, "Come on son," I began extracting him from his high chair, "Let daddy get you cleaned up."

I was clearly enjoying myself by the time we opened presents. Charlie allowed me to carry him around from the kitchen to living room where the presents were to be opened.

Bella helped him open the first few while everyone ohhed and ahhed over all the toys he received, and Alice still fluttered around with her camera, like a butterfly.

"Say Cheese!" she told me and Charlie as she zoomed in on us for a close up. We both grinned at her in surprise.

"Here's one from grandma and grandpa…and one from uncle Jasper…one from your friend Susie…oh look at this big one from Jake…want to open Jake's gift Charlie?"

The big assed box had finally been moved to the center of the room and everyone was looking at it with awe.

I wasn't going to touch that thing so Alice tore away at the paper all while taking her pictures. Charlie seemed more fascinated with the colorful paper than the box.

"Oh wow!"

"Whoa!"

"Oh," Bella raised both her eyebrows up, "My…that's a generous gift…say thank you Charlie."

Everyone was staring at the Hot Wheels black Corvette Jake had just bought my son. It was so over the top it was nearly ridiculous.

Jake beamed at the attention his gift received, clearly the most expensive gift of the day.

"Is that all of them?" Alice was looking around the room for more, as Jasper pushed the car to end of the room.

No, there was one left, mine…but at that second I didn't want anyone to see it, much less have it compared to Jake's gift, but Bella saw it…there sitting in the corner all by itself.

"No, there's one more…come look Charlie, there's one more present for you. Let's see who it's from…Oh. It's from Daddy…" her voice trailed off as her eyes met mine once again.

I just gave her a half shy smile trying to tell her that this was nowhere near as expensive as what Charlie had just received. She smiled back at me briefly and then looked down at the long cardboard box in her hands. Charlie was already pounding on it, trying to get some of the paper off.

While the room didn't fall silent, or anyone gasp at my gift, the look in Bella's eyes as she pulled out the guitar was worth more to me than I could ever imagine.

"It's so beautiful…isn't it Charlie?" she turned the guitar over in her hands, her eyes were so bright and alive, "Look at the pretty strings baby…listen…" and then with those beautiful fingers, she strummed the guitar, the musical notes that filled the room not only captured everyone's attention but sent a jolt up my back and filled in the missing pieces to that song that was still hanging over my head. I suddenly knew what my song had been lacking. The notes she just played, those were the notes that were missing from my song…_her_ notes.

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Jake didn't want to leave…I could see it all over his face. The only people who were left were Jazz and Alice. Alice was helping Bella clean up the kitchen and Jazz was sitting in the living room with me and Black playing referee…

I give him brownie points; he was trying to hold his ground…to put me in my place. I could hardly blame the guy, I totally walked into his life unannounced, but it sure helped a lot that Jazz was there backing me up.

"How's life treating you Cullen?" He was sitting straight up with his arms crossed, looking at me with those beady eyes, "I know you've had a rough stretch."

I wanted to ignore him…ignore what he was implying but my pride got the better of me.

"It was rough…still is…but getting better." I met his gaze steadily; I wanted him to be completely sure that I was not going to back down.

"Well that's good to hear. You've missed out on quite a bit." His tone was blunt and to the point.

Jasper shifted slightly in his seat, he was pretending to fiddle with Alice's camera but I know he was really just listening since he was holding the camera backwards.

"I'm aware of what I've missed." I tried not to miss a beat, "And I'll be trying to make up for that."

Black almost snorted, "That might take a while…"

"Whoa…check this picture out Eddie…look at your boy's grin, he's the spitting image of you." Jasper was shoving the camera in my face, trying to diffuse the spark that had already been lit.

I didn't even bother looking at it, "However long it takes…so be it. I'm not going anywhere."

Black was ignoring Jasper too, "Well damn Cullen, looks like you're trying to be the grown up now ain't it…it might be a little too late for that now though."

I was really fucking pissed now…I wanted to get up and just beat the shit out of him…I kept trying to remember what Dr. Clearwater told me to do in order to stay focused.

Jazz was looking worriedly back and forth between us, all while stealing glances to the kitchen at the girls.

I was trying to form the rights words, ones that didn't include _fucking idiot _or _dirt bag_… to get my point across, when we all heard Charlie's soft cries over the baby monitor.

Bella came over to the living area, her hands wet, holding a dishrag. She didn't notice the tension in the air and looked quickly from me to Jake and then back at me.

"Um…Edward…would you mind checking on Charlie…my hands are full right now."

I just shot Black this smug look while Jazz gave out this little victory snort, Bella did raise one eyebrow at the display but remained silent.

"No problem Bab…Bella." I quickly corrected myself when she shot me this look. No I wouldn't use that just to show off, I was above that.

Charlie wasn't really awake; it was more like he was whining in his sleep, so I sat there by his bed for a few minutes humming to him softly… "It came back to haunt me…" I sang, "And I realized…"

Once Charlie's breathing had leveled out and he was once again in slumber land, I emerged from his room, only to find Bella and Alice huddled around that same white receiver in the kitchen. Both of them jumped when they heard me.

"Oh!" Bella pressed her back to the counter, her hands behind her. Alice just stared at me quietly for a second and then she smiled at me, this great big smile.

"Come here." She ushered me over…I just tilted my head to the side confused.

"Come here…right here." She placed me next to Bella and somehow produced her camera in her hands. I guess she had gotten it back from Jasper.

"Say cheese!" She cried…and then she took our picture…

...********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**Ok...since you all were lucky enough to get two chapters so quickly I should be lucky enough to get some reviews from you. 3**

**Hope to hear from you!**

**See you at the next chapter...Shiver**

**Later everyone!**

**MBella**


	14. Shiver

**Hey Everybody! *Waves Hi* Hope you all are doing well.**

**Making myself spend more time on the story to make up for all the waiting I made you guys do... :)**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I do not. Coldplay owns Shiver, not me. **

**Now on to Shiver...**

**Enjoy!**

...*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

_And on and on  
From the moment I wake, to the moment I sleep  
I'll be there by your side, just you try and stop me  
I'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care_

…_******************************************************************************************************************************************************************_

Winter was finally starting to kick in here in Forks. Tiny white snowflakes were drifting all around me as I walked over to Dr. Clearwater's office.

Shivering, I pulled my coat closer around me. I was feeling pretty confident, and happy...after Charlie's birthday party I was positive it would only be a matter of time before Bella would trust me again, before she would let me completely back into her life. At least that's what I hoped.

Dr. Clearwater's secretary gave me a warm smile when she saw me pull open the doors to the lobby. She was cradling her phone on her shoulder and just waved me on into Dr. Clearwater's office without saying anything to me.

I knocked quickly before opening the door. Dr. Clearwater was holding a thick book in his hands; he looked up in surprise at me as I entered.

"Mr. Cullen! You're early. Come in and have a seat, I was just catching up on some reading."

I smiled at him in greeting, making my way over to my familiar spot, shaking off my coat and folding it over the chair before I sat down.

"Looks like we're in for a snow storm soon." Dr. Clearwater furrowed his brows, looking out the window watching the snow fall.

"I heard on the news it's suppose to hit hard tonight." I nodded, raising my eyebrows in agreement with his words.

"Well let's hope it isn't that bad..." Dr. Clearwater pondered. He shuffled some papers around on his desk and then picked up his clipboard; he looked up at me with a warm smile. "How are you today?"

"Pretty good," I answered honestly, "I've been spending more time with my family, it's going better than I imagined."

"Sounds wonderful...how is your family doing?"

"They're fine; Bella is talking to me more..." I leaned forward in my chair eager to share, "Charlie is just incredible...and my parents, they're going to be celebrating their 30th anniversary next weekend. They're having this big party over at the Marriott hotel; they rented the hall and everything..."

"30 years...That's quite an accomplishment...my congratulations to them both." Dr. Clearwater nodded at me his smile never leaving his face, "Will you be attending?"

"Yes, my mother wouldn't have it any other way," I chuckled...

"With your wife? Son?" Dr. Clearwater glanced down, he scribbled something really quick down on his clipboard without looking at me.

"Uh...Well...I hope so...I haven't asked her yet. I know Bella helped my mom with the planning so I am sure she is going to be there."

"Well be sure to ask her..." He finally looked at me, "Soon..."

I tilted my head to the side at his words, it was almost as if he knew something I didn't, "I'm going with them to the park later this afternoon, weather permitting." I frowned at him, still puzzled, "I was planning on asking her if she would like to go with me then."

Dr. Clearwater gave out this little humming noise, not really saying anything else about Bella or my parent's party. I was just about to ask him what he was thinking when he picked up this green folder off of his desk and opened it.

"I was just looking over some of your projects," he pulled a couple of papers out of the folder, "things you were working on before your brother passed..."

Now I really frowned at him...where did he get those?

"I understand you were in contract with EMI record label a few years ago, and were quite successful there."

I just nodded at him, not sure what he was getting at or why he was bringing this up...I hadn't worked for two years and had no intention of going back any time soon.

"Mr. Cullen," Dr. Clearwater put his papers down and looked at me, "I think it's time we revisited the workforce..."

I swallowed hard and slowly shook my head at him. I wasn't ready...nowhere near ready...

"Mr. Cullen..." Dr. Clearwater spoke slowly as if he were trying not to startle me, "do you remember when I asked you to try and create music again...how is that going?"

"Uh..." I just started looking everywhere but at him, it hit me just then where he was going with this and it threw me for a loop because I hadn't even given my job a second thought...not one fucking thought since Em had died.

"Yes?" he urged me on.

"It's going..." I shrugged, "Okay."

"Well good...have you written anything new?"

_Just Bella's songs_...I thought..._just those two_..."No." I shook my head, but Dr. Clearwater could see right through me.

"Are you sure? What about that nice tune you were humming the other day? I rather liked it..."

I was trying hard not to freak out...really...but it was getting hot in here and music...I really couldn't see myself doing that again...at least not publically...

...*****************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"Oh my God Edward! I'm so proud of you!" Bella was hanging over my shoulder reading the contract with me clapping and squealing.

I was just grinning...super cocky as always. You see, I was holding in my hands a contract from EMI records...it was a contract to be a songwriter for their recording artists...to be on their songwriting team.

Bella starting jumping around me...our wedding was just three months away and this was the icing on the cake.

I had submitted a few songs to different record labels right after I graduated from college, I wasn't a singer, although I could sing when I had to, it wasn't my first love...My first love was and always had been, songwriting...writing the lyrics and chords...I always wrote the music for the guitar first, and then added the keyboard and drums after. Of course once the artist had the song in their hands they could do whatever they wanted with it...

Anyways I sent out my work hoping that I would be able to get my foot in the door to one of the record labels...I was willing to do anything really...studio work...band work...mopping the floors if I had to.

I never imagined a company would just come right out and offer me a contract to write songs...I never thought it would be this easy...

But it was...my songs appealed to a few major alternative rock bands, they thought my songs were meditative and romantic, and after the fifth song I had written that went number one for the recording artist, Bella and I bought our first house...that's when I had the spare room remodeled...turned it into a music room.

I still remember the night I came home with that pretty little piece of paper stating that my latest song _Shiver_ had reached number one...Bella was ecstatic and quite the little vixen in the bedroom later on that evening.

She had on this pretty red lacy thing that barely covered anything...which didn't bother me one bit...

"Sooo..." she whispered, hovering over me, her long brown hair tickling my bare shoulder, "I feel like I'm sleeping with a rock star..."

I just chuckled and let my hands slide down her back and rest on her bottom. "Oh, so you want a rock star now...do you?"

She just giggled and placed these tiny kisses along my earlobe, "No...not just any rock star..._my_ rock star..."

I just hummed against her...her kisses were distracting me...making me forget what I was going to say...making me hard...

I started pulling her down close, eager to explore all this gorgeous softness in front of me. Her hands tangled up in my hair as her mouth met mine, everything about her was hot...hot and urgent, and once I had a taste of all that hotness I couldn't control myself anymore.

My hands were everywhere, traveling up along her rib cage to her breasts, cupping them in my palms, squeezing gently before sliding down her stomach lingering playfully right near her navel. She just kept right on kissing me, fisting my hair in her hands, her pink thighs straddling my waist, my dick was pressed right near her bottom, she shifted just slightly letting out this sexy groan as she moved against me...she already wanted me, I could feel her wetness against me, it just made my dick throb harder and my fingers twitched, wanting to start to dig into her skin.

I let my hand stroke her gently at first, my fingertips feather light right near her entrance, she just gave out these tiny little pants and grinded herself against me harder...it was taking all my willpower not to pick her up from her hips and impale her right down on me.

"Ready for your Rock Star baby?" I whispered still pressed against her lips, she just plunged her tongue into my mouth in reply with a low moan.

I think I was holding it under control pretty well until she bit me.._.that_ sent me over the edge. She had taken my lower lip in her mouth and was pulling on it softly with her own until I felt her teeth sink into me so full of wanton, that I just lost it.

This animalistic grunt rose in my throat and I let go completely, my hands traveling right to her entrance. I plunged my fingers into her over and over again. Her breath hitched sharply at my actions and she had to let go of my mouth because I was making her gasp and shake...still I kept my hand moving in and out of her until I thought I would burst...all I wanted to do was bury myself in her wet warmth and make her come with me.

Finally when I thought I couldn't last a second longer I pulled my fingers out of her, causing her to shiver and gasp again. She let out this protesting whimper, as her body ground against mine...she didn't protest for long though because I just grabbed her bottom and lifted her up, bringing her down on top of me...she enveloped me in one quick, swift stroke, making me gasp for breath. I just lied completely still for a few seconds knowing that if either one of us moved I was going to shoot right into her before we got a chance to get started.

Her body fell forward against mine and she rested her forehead down on my shoulder, her breathing still erratic. I took a few more deep breaths, then, once I knew I could hold it again, my hands found their way to her hips, slowly at first, I urged her to move over me. She let out another soft moan at my actions and began rotating her hips, moving just a little faster with each thrust. When I knew she was close, and it didn't take long at all, my hands left her hips and traveled back up to her breasts, forcing her to sit upright. She let out another shaky gasp and her head fell back, her eyes closed, chin tilted to the ceiling. She was a breathtaking sight…completely gorgeous; I kept caressing her breasts and using my thighs to push upward against her.

"Come on baby...can you feel it?" I rose my body up again to meet hers, my fingers pulling on her nipples.

She just gave out another tiny whine, her hands resting on my chest, her hips grinding against me harder.

"Do you want to come baby? Do you want to come with me?" I pushed up again knowing that I was already there...I was going to come now...

"Please..." her voice was thick..."Please Edward...please..."

The way her voice was begging me sent a shiver right through me, I heard myself grunt again, and I pushed up with all the force I could convene.

"Oh! Uh!" her body convulsed and collapsed over mine. I could feel myself pour into her, my hands moving down and holding her lower body tightly against me...it was just so overwhelming, the whole world disappeared at that moment. We stayed in that position until our breathing leveled out, her head resting on my shoulder softly until finally, she tilted her head up, her eyes glowing under the dim lights. She didn't say anything but placed a gentle, loving kiss on my jaw before snuggling up with me, letting me stay inside her until we both fell asleep...

...**************************************************************************************************************************************************************

_When the truth is, I miss you  
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so_

The snow was falling harder now…a storm was coming for sure. I watched the large white puffs fill the air and swirl around my window. I was at my desk, but instead of working I was watching the snow fall outside. I glanced down at the paper in front of me…the words stared up at me for the longest time…and I put my pencil down because I couldn't think of anything else to say…

…**************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"Hi." Bella's smile lit up her whole face as she opened the door for me, "Come in before you freeze!"

I stepped inside the doorway feeling the warmth of the house surround me, "Thanks, it's pretty chilly out there."

"I didn't realize it was going to snow so hard today. I don't think we should take Charlie out in this weather." Bella closed the door behind her and turned to face me, "He's still napping, I guess the winter air is making him sleep in."

"I was going to suggest that he stay indoors, the park was bare when I walked by it this morning." My eyes traveled from her face down her neck, she was wearing this long sleeve V neck top that showed her perfect, delicate collarbones. I had to force myself to look back up into her eyes. She was watching me with her head tilted, this pretty smile...almost a knowing smile...dancing on her lips.

"Want some hot chocolate?" Those plump pink lips were moving, "Edward? I was just about to make some hot chocolate...want some?"

"Hmm?" I forced myself to focus, "Wha? Oh...yes...please."

She smiled again and waved me over to one of the stools while she busied herself in the kitchen. I watched her silently, slightly worried about my lack of self control. I swore there was this unspoken sexual tension flowing through the air between us and I wasn't sure if either of us was ready for that yet. Still...my body reacted to her smile...her sweet gestures...that look in her eyes.

I shifted in my stool uncomfortably, trying to adjust myself without her catching me.

"So, what would you like to do instead?" she handed me my cup, her voice bright and cheerful.

I just inwardly groaned...I knew exactly what I would like to do...but that didn't involve hot chocolate...or Charlie...or clothing for that matter...

"Whatever you suggest is good by me." I took my cup from her hands, making sure I didn't touch her, the way my mind was in the gutter; I definitely couldn't handle touching her yet.

"Well why don't we move to the living room until Charlie wakes up...there's a few home movies Ja...uh...I recorded that I haven't watched yet. Would you like to see them?" Her eyes left mine and she walked around the counter wiping her hands awkwardly on her jeans before picking up her mug of chocolate.

If there was one way to instantly get my mind out of the gutter Bella had certainly found it, I just pretended I didn't hear her almost mention his name and rose to follow her over to the next room.

I knew I shouldn't have...I should have behaved like a proper gentleman and sat down on one of the single chairs she had there...but after _almost_ hearing Jake's name, I was pissed, so I purposely sat down next to her..._right_ next to her.

She didn't shift away from me, much to my delight, but she didn't seem to acknowledge my nearness either...she just grabbed the remote off the leather ottoman in front of us and began fiddling with the buttons.

"I can never remember which one works the DVD player." She let out this forced laugh, still pushing on remote shaking it slightly, I guess with frustration.

"It's the blue one..." I reached over without really thinking about it, my mind was still on Black, "The blue one works the DVD and red one is the satellite box."

My hand closed over a few of her fingers and she pulled her hand away from mine as if she touched fire.

"Oh..." she fumbled with her words, nearly dropping the remote, "Yeah... the blue one, that's right." She began jabbing at it with more force than needed.

I mentally shook my head at her, trying to collect my thoughts, my hand still tingling at touching her.

"Ok...here we go..." she finally placed the remote back down and took a careful sip of her drink. Her eyes wouldn't budge from looking down at her cup, not even when I placed my own empty cup down, purposely scooting just a tiny bit closer to her.

She kept her cup in her hands, her fingers wrapped around it tightly, her body rigid. I wasn't sure how to get her to relax, or even if I could. It was starting to make me nervous.

Charlie's happy grin suddenly appeared on the screen and we both looked up at the same time. I had to smile at that infectious grin looking back at me and so did Bella. We watched with a few chuckles as different scenes appeared before us...Charlie eating squash for the first time, and then spitting it all out...Charlie crawling across the carpet...Charlie taking his first steps...I watched it all with great fascination, seeing my son grow before my eyes.

Finally after a while the screen went fuzzy and I thought that the DVD had ended, I turned to Bella, smiling at her in thanks for allowing me to share this with her, when another scene flashed across the screen.

It was old...Charlie was only just an infant...weeks old...and I remembered this one, because I had been there...I had been the one holding the camera...and Bella...she was cradling our son in her arms singing to him softly...

"_I'll wait for it  
If you go, if you go  
And leave me down here on my own  
Then I'll wait for you"_

My heart leapt to my throat at the sight and I could hear Bella suck in her breath at the same time. We didn't move, just sat there silently and watched. It felt heavenly to hear her sing again. The scene lasted only minutes but it felt like hours.

"I forgot that was on there." Her tone was really hushed and strained, it tore at me…I wanted to take away that pain I heard in her voice.

"He's beautiful," I turned my body to face her, my eyes searching hers, "And so are_ you_…you always have been…"

She just stared at me, and I could see it in her eyes…she wanted to trust me…to believe in me…but there was still something she needed from me first, and I hadn't given it to her yet.

That didn't stop me from reaching up and stroking her cheek softy with the back of my hand, I just wanted to let her know how much she meant to me, tried to show her that somehow.

She closed her eyes for a minute, almost as if she were savoring that moment and then took in another breath and slowly pulled away, "I better check on Charlie…" she whispered.

Only I didn't want her to leave, so I let my hand travel down her shoulder and arm until my I closed my fingers over her own. She just watched me painfully, trying to blink back her unshed tears, "Don't leave baby…" I pleaded, not letting her go, "Stay with me…please?"

"Edward…" her voice broke, "Don't do this…not here…not now…"

But I had to try…my heart wouldn't take no for an answer, and I leaned closer to her…so close I could feel her breath on my lips and see tiny flecks of gold in her eyes. She didn't try to stop me; I could feel her hand tremble a bit as I got closer.

My lips brushed over hers ever so lightly, I didn't want to hurt or scare her any longer…all I wanted to do was make her _feel_…I kept my face next to hers, ghosting my lips across her cheek and down the hollow of her neck. Her scent was making me dizzy with want and when she shivered, letting out this tiny whimper, tilting her head down as if to get closer to me, it just made me roar with desire. I slid my hand out of hers and around her waist pulling her body so that it was nearly on top of mine, bringing her forward into the circle of my arms, my other hand snaking up her back and into that glorious mane, feeling the silkiness of her hair flow through my fingertips.

My lips finally made contact with the sweet skin on her neck, and the way she sucked in her breath just reminded me of all those times we had made love, she still responded to my touch, her body was still mine…

But the longer I kept kissing her, the more reality began to seep into my conscious…her hands weren't on me…neither were her lips…her entire body was shaking…even though she didn't pull away from me, I knew she didn't want to be there. So slowly, carefully I let her go, gently kissing her cheek for the last time before pulling myself back, it was so hard to do…my heart still throbbed for her, but I knew that when this finally really happened, it needed to happen for both of us.

"I'm sorry…" I began apologizing, "I was out of line…I had no right…" my voice faded away as my eyes searched hers for reassurance.

She just choked back another sob and quietly got up, shaking her head slightly, and walking out of the room. I didn't follow her…I knew she wanted to be alone…needed to think…hell, I needed to think…

When a few minutes had gone by and she hadn't returned, I allowed myself to get up from the sofa and walk across the living room near the hallway. It was dark in the hallway; she hadn't bothered to turn the light on. You could hear the wind whistling loudly outside the window as I passed it. The storm was finally here. I caught a glimpse of her figure in the shadows, her forehead pressed desolately against the dark wall, her arms wrapped around herself.

I made my way over to her trying to think of a better way to apologize, a better way to make her understand. Only she didn't give me a chance to say anything.

"I think you better go…" her words were soft and shaky, they stung and took me by surprise, I froze mid step to collect my thoughts, I couldn't leave just yet, leave her like this.

"Please…" it was the first thing that came to mind, "please…I'm sorry…it won't happen again…"

"I can't…" she said with finality, "Do this…again. I just can't."

She hadn't moved from her position against the wall and I found myself standing desperately behind her, trying not to crowd her but too distraught to think straight. "Baby…" I whispered softly into her ear, "I know I'm not the man you need yet…but I'm trying to get there…I'm trying…"

She finally turned her head to look at me, her eyes full of sadness, and something else… I wasn't sure.

"You need to leave." She repeated, and then she looked away from me.

I was trying not to panic…took a step back to show her I would go…but I had to do one thing…one more thing…

"Will I see you again?" I was sure she could hear the begging in my voice, "_Can_ I see you again?"

She didn't answer…didn't move…

"Bella?" I didn't know how much longer I could hold back the catch in my throat, "Will you be at my parent's anniversary party? Can I see you and Charlie there?"

She took in another breath and suddenly pushed herself away from the wall, she lifted her head to me, her lower lip trembling a bit, "You'll see us there…" her voice went hard and all the emotion that I thought I saw in her eyes, faded away…"Charlie and I will be there" she said with conviction, "With Jake. He already invited us and I accepted, so you'll see us there…"

She brushed past me quickly, her hair flying over my shoulder as she turned away from me, "Now you need to_ leave_ Edward."

And just like that…everything was gone again...

...*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

_A warning sign  
I missed the good part, then I realized  
I started looking and the bubble burst  
I started looking for excuses…_

This was useless… I sighed to myself, there was no way I was going to submit this song to the record label anyways. I stared at the paper in front of me, my guitar resting on my lap; I finally finished the first verse...but it still wouldn't make that awful choking feeling leave my throat. Just when I thought I was getting somewhere, I had lost it all once more. I didn't know what I was going to do…I didn't want to go my parent's party anymore, torture myself watching Bella with Black, it would just tear me apart to see them together. But I didn't know how to get out of it. My mom literally let out this little squeal when I told her I was going to be there, and then she threw her arms around me and hugged me. It felt really really good to see her so happy that there was no way I could disappoint her.

I looked back down at the words, they all blurred together and I shut my eyes trying to escape the sharp pain in my heart. I tossed my pencil down onto the desk and pushed my chair back. I needed to get out of here…clear my head a bit.

Without even grabbing my coat, I stepped outside. The bitter, cold air whipped all around me sending a shiver down my back. I ignored it and started walking past the bare trees and banged up metal garbage cans. I didn't know where I was going, I just kept walking, my mind a jumbled mess. I thought about going to Jazz's house but I really didn't want to talk to anyone…I didn't want to do anything but forget this day had ever happened.

There was only one way to try to forget…one way to try to take away the pain…so when I found myself standing in front of those familiar old wooden doors I didn't even hesitate…I just pushed them open, and went in…

...*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**Ummm...anyone wanna review today? :P**

**Hope I didn't make you too mad...lol**

**See you at the next chapter..._What if_**

**Later!**

**MBella**


	15. What If

**Hey Everyone! Happy December! A special birthday shoutout to my wonderful friend K! Love ya BB! :)**

**Wishing everyone a wonderful Holiday season! **

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. Coldplay owns What If. I do not.**

**Chap 15 What If**

**Enjoy!**

...********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

_What if you should decide_  
_That you don't want me there by your side_  
_That you don't want me there in your life?_

_What if I got it wrong?_  
_And no poem or song_  
_Could put right what I got wrong_  
_Or make you feel I belong_

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"Mama?" I peeked through the doorway of the dark bedroom. Daddy had gone to work hours ago and Mama hadn't woken up yet. I was scared, and hungry. There was no school today, and I hated it..it meant I was stuck at home taking care of Mama. At least at school the teachers and aides took care of me, and I got to eat lunch…and breakfast if I caught the bus on time…

"Mama? Are you okay?" I pushed open the door. Even though the room was pitch black, and I felt a sense of relief when I heard Mama's grumbling snore.

Trying not to trip over anything, I made my way over to the side of her bed, flicking on the small bedside lamp, she was still wearing yesterday's clothes…they smelled stale and full of cigarette smoke, her covers were kicked off of her, yet she was curled up in a small, tight ball as if she were freezing cold.

"It's time to get up Mama…" I said softly, placing my hand on her bare shoulder, "It's time to make lunch. Aren't you hungry Mama?"

She let out this grunt and jerked her body away from my touch…flinging her arm out, I pulled back quickly, knowing she would keep striking out at me if I didn't move away.

"Please Mama…" I begged, raising my voice just a little bit louder. "It's past one…"

She didn't move anymore, just curled back up…her chin nearly touching her knees. I left the light on in the room, hoping it would help her wake up some, and made my way down the hall over to the kitchen.

I peered into pantry and then opened a few drawers…

The cupboards were mostly bare…Mama hadn't gone grocery shopping in more than three weeks and Daddy was busy working all the time. Sometimes he would bring me home a deli sandwich, or a hamburger, but he usually didn't get home until past nine…I would be so hungry I could hardly taste my food, eating it so fast before I could really savor it.

Sighing, I grabbed the last bag of instant noodles I had hidden behind the rack of wine bottles, while we often always ran out of things to eat, we never…_never_…ran out of wine…Mama made sure of that…

…******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Pushing down the folds of my skirt nervously I closed my bedroom door and headed down the hall, I hadn't felt this anxious since my wedding day, and it wasn't because Jake was going to knock on my door in about five minutes to pick up Charlie and me, it was because I was going to Edward's parent's anniversary party…and I was going to see Edward there.

My heart ached terribly over the way he left our house the other night, as I laid in my bed, surrounded by the darkness, it kept me awake, making me toss and turn. I tried to find a way to swallow the regret that consumed me.

What if I had let him stay? What if I hadn't gotten so angry inside? What if I had kissed him back? What would have happened to us then? The questions swirled around and around in my head leaving room for nothing else.

But you see…the hole in my heart hadn't completely healed…I didn't know if it ever would…

I knew I shouldn't have thrown Jake in Edward's face, I wish I could have taken that back…but deep down inside me the hurt and anger were still there all piled together just festering…waiting for the moment when it would suddenly burst out of me. I wanted to scream at Edward that night…just yell at him _why_…why did he leave me…why couldn't he ever talk to me…didn't he know that I was hurting too…that Emmett's death had hurt me too?

It was the same anger that had fueled me back when I first saw Edward at the park. The way I lashed out at him…I was really angrier at myself…that he could still make me want him, even after everything. That's why I couldn't just walk away…that's why I invited him back to our house. That part of me, the one that still loved him, didn't let me let him go…

And all those sweet kisses…even though my heart jumped every time his lips met mine, all my brain could think about was that he was taking the easy way out…that we could just kiss and make up and everything would be all better…didn't he realize that all we would accomplish would just be going right back to where we started from?

So I used Jake.

I know it hurt him…I could see it in his face. But still…I used Jake.

My relationship with Jake was complicated, even though it felt like I had known him forever, there were times I felt as if I didn't know him at all. We could spend an entire day together without so much as a peck on the cheek, nil of any type of romantic conversation…and then there were days when he would arrive on my doorstep with a dozen roses in hand, whisk me off to dinner, try to hold my hand, kiss me goodnight…

Still…I didn't question it…Jake was almost like a security blanket. No, he _was _my security blanket. I hid behind him…told myself that this is what I wanted, what I needed…even though I knew I was in denial, I just pushed it away. He was there at Emmet's funeral, he comforted Edward's parents…and then, when my marriage fell apart, he comforted me.

My footsteps stopped in front of the closed white door in the hall. I hadn't opened it since the day Edward left; I couldn't bear to be in that room without him. I couldn't even imagine taking Charlie in there…that was supposed to be Edward…he was supposed to take Charlie into the music room…

So it stayed shut…the instruments untouched...

The knock on my door jolted me out of my musings, and with a quick step I went into Charlie's room and lifted him out of his crib…it was time to go…

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

The banquet room was decorated brilliantly…gorgeous crystal vases overflowing with colorful blooms adorned the round tables. Soft, glowing candles sparkled and glistened in the wall scones all around the room. It filled the atmosphere with love and happiness…and romance.

"This place looks great." Jake grabbed at my hand and pulled me past the first few tables filled with chatting, animated people.

I followed behind Jake awkwardly, my eyes darting around the room quickly…even though I wouldn't admit it to myself; I knew I was looking for Edward.

My throat tightened when I didn't find him, and I tried to push down the worry, and the disappointment. I did see Jasper and Alice; they were both watching us as Jake made our way over to them. Alice gave me a warm smile but Jasper didn't look to happy. I could only imagine why…I knew he had reconnected with Edward over the last few weeks, I was actually glad about that, to see Edward and Jasper hanging out again, it made me feel a tiny bit better that someone was watching over Edward.

Jasper didn't say anything to me though, he reached out and shook Jake's hand…made small talk with him as I went and stood next to Alice.

Alice held out her arms to Charlie, making silly faces and trying to get him to laugh, he reached for her happily.

"Yay! You're here." Alice snuggled Charlie close to her, giving him a small squeeze. He let out a happy, infatuated giggle…I don't know how Alice did it, but every guy seemed to be putty in her hands…Charlie included.

The guys quickly excused themselves and headed over to the open bar to get us some drinks, Alice asked for a margarita, I opted for a seven up and an apple juice for Charlie.

Once the guys were out of sight, I caught myself looking around the room again, scanning through the sea of faces…

"He isn't here yet…" Alice's voice was low, but I heard it clearly. "I thought he would be here…_with you_…what happened?"

I just shook my head, not wanting to get into it with Alice just yet.

"Well he hasn't shown up…Jasper already tried to call him and he isn't answering his phone either…" her voice trailed off as my eyes met hers. She could see it all over me…the fear…the worry.

"That doesn't mean he's out dri…" Alice quickly shook her head at me, "He wouldn't do that, he was trying Bella…he was trying _for you_. What happened Bella?" her voice was shrill.

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"Get the fuck away from me!"

"Renee baby, please…"

"No!"

Mama was screaming…it was loud…loud enough that I thought the neighbors could hear for sure. I pulled the blankets around tighter against my head.

"Come on…give me the glass…" Daddy was trying to get her to calm down. He had just gotten home from work. I was supposed to be asleep already, but I had been reading with a flashlight under my covers.

"No! Get away from me Charlie!" Mama sounded really angry too, she hated it when anyone tried to take her glass away.

"You've had enough Renee…it's late…come on, let's go to bed." Daddy was speaking in his soft comforting voice, the same one he always used with me when he made it home on time to tuck me in at night.

"I hate you!"

I winced, squeezing my eyes shut. I always got afraid when Mama got mean…especially to Daddy. I was afraid Daddy would leave…and not take me with him. Then I would have to deal with Mama all by myself. I could hear a door slam and something shatter in the background, as it banged against the wall.

I squeezed my eyes tighter together…lucky for me there was school tomorrow…I would get away from Mama, and if I caught the bus on time I would make it to the cafeteria while they were still serving breakfast. That way I would get to eat at least twice tomorrow.

I could hear Daddy's soft footsteps linger right outside my door. The knob turned and I knew he had stepped inside. I lay completely still; until I heard his voice…it wasn't angry, just sad.

"Bella?"

I raised my head up and looked at him, "Yes Daddy?"

"Are you okay sweetheart?" he stood by the foot of my bed, his eyes red and tired.

"I'm fine Daddy." I lied.

"How was your day? Did Mama feed you dinner tonight?" he always asked me this question…and I always told him the same thing…

"Yes, we both had some soup…and crackers." I don't know if he believed me or not…sometimes I could see it in his eyes…the doubt…the fear…the worry…but I kept on lying, because I didn't want him to leave.

He stayed quiet for a minute and then nodded at me, "Okay sweetheart…sleep tight."

"You too Daddy."

I don't think I slept much that night…the nights they fought were always the worst, sometimes I could hear Daddy cry, and I vowed that I would never fight with my future husband…that I would never make him cry…but most of all…never, ever touch a drop of liquor…

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Alice was still watching me…waiting for me to answer her. Her eyes narrowed when she began to suspect that something went wrong between Edward and me.

"He came over the other night…and we…" I struggled to tell her, even though I wasn't sure myself what happened, "he tried to…I told him no…told him to leave…"

Alice's eyes widened and she began to bounce Charlie up and down a little bit, "Are you okay?"

"Alice…" my voice broke… "What if I made him drink again?"

Alice didn't get to answer because Jasper and Jake were back; they placed the glasses on the table at the same time Esme and Carlisle made their way over to us.

"Ladies! And Boys…" Carlisle was giving us all warm smiles, "Thank you so much for coming…how is my grandson?" he plucked Charlie up from Alice's arms and swung him around.

Esme didn't look as happy as Carlisle, she was smiling, of course…but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "I'm so happy to see you…all of you." Yet her eyes were not focused right on us…they seemed to be looking past us…behind us…she was searching for someone too…

Both Alice and I stood to give her a hug, "Congratulations!" Alice had her arms around Esme, "you look beautiful."

And she really did…this pretty pale lavender dress fit her perfectly, setting off her eyes and hair…

She hugged Alice back just as tightly, "Thank you dear…you look stunning as well…be sure to go out back when you and Jasper have a free moment…we reserved the terrace for the party as well, and the hotel did a fabulous job decorating it. There's a live band back there playing on the balcony." Her eyes met mine, they held a question…_where is he_…and then she blinked and smiled at me.

"Bella, thank you for bringing Charlie…we are so happy you both are here." She pulled me into her arms.

I felt almost ashamed…and I tried not to cry…I hated feeling this way, had I let everyone down? Let myself down?

Jake was the one to save me at that moment…after congratulating Carlisle and Esme he pulled them away from our group to introduce them to an old friend who they hadn't seen in a year…another friend who had gone to college with Jake and Emmett.

The minutes ticked on…they turned to one hour…and then two…dinner was served…and so was dessert. The DJ arrived and began setting up on the stage…the hotel staff began clearing a few tables out of the way so there would be more room on the dance floor. The lights dimmed somewhat, making the candles glow brighter.

Jasper and Alice chatted quietly next to me…Charlie had fallen asleep in my arms…Jake had eaten dinner with us and then spent most of his time flittering around the room talking to everyone, probably trying to acquire more clients.

Edward never showed up…and the fear in the pit of my stomach grew and grew… it hit me with more force than I ever thought possible…

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"Edward! What are you doing home early?" I was trying to put my grocery bag down on the counter but Edward looked like he was going to burst if I didn't follow him right away.

"Come on babe…come look, it's finally finished." His voice was bubbling over with excitement and without giving me a chance to respond he pulled on my arm, taking my grocery bag absentmindedly and placing it on the floor.

"They finished it?" I was talking to myself, Edward wasn't listening to me…he was flinging open the freshly white painted door, a big grin on his face.

I smiled at him, mostly because he looked so darn cute, that adorable smile…that little hop in his step…but then I gasped out loud. It was just breathtaking…absolutely perfect. The room had been redone in these earthy tones, light browns, tans and just a touch of green. There was a whole wall dedicated to the guitars, they hung proudly like trophies on their mounts. My Roger McGuinn hanging right in the center mount, its wood gleaming under the lights.

In the opposite corner was a small desk, it was more like a stand really…I always tried to get Edward to buy a nicer desk, something he could be comfortable in while he wrote, but he refused…he loved that measly desk…he'd written all his best work sitting at that thing and he wasn't going to get rid of it, but when I looked at it, there in the corner, it looked just right…his binder filled with his completed songs, another one with things he was working on.

Edward had spent a good three months having this room remodeled, he wouldn't let me see it, kept the door closed the entire time…wanted to surprise me with it. And whatever vision he had for that room, he made it come alive and it blew me away…it was all just perfect.

"Oh! I love it!" I nearly skipped to the center and spun around and around, "Look at our guitars…look at your keyboard…and the microphone. Is that a new mic stand? It's gorgeous Edward, I love it!"

Edward was just staring at me, his green eyes sparkling. He seemed to be more excited about seeing my reaction than having a new music room. A fresh wave of love washed over me…how I ever found this man was beyond me…he was beautiful…and loving…and kind…

And I never actually intended to date him…in fact I purposely avoided him the first day I saw him, he was sitting all cocky, rolling his eyes at his friend, his hair sticking up in a _just got out of bed_ mess. I tried to get the other girl who worked with me at the campus coffee shop to go take his order, but she was busy, plus his friend was hanging all over Alice…

It was those deep gorgeous green eyes that hooked me. The second my eyes met his, I was gone…and there was no turning back after that.

I was cautious at first…didn't want to make the same mistakes I made in high school. For some reason I was a magnet for losers…guys who only wanted two things…girls and booze. And after fighting off the third guy who took me out, got drunk, and tried to take advantage of me, I swore off guys for a while…promising myself that the next guy I dated would have to be different…he would have to be smart…have a kind heart…he wouldn't _drink_…

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

I was miserable…and I am sure it showed…all around me were happy dancing couples, couples who looked in love…including Jasper and Alice. I wanted to go home…but I couldn't…Esme and Carlisle had Charlie, he had woken up when the DJ began playing music…Charlie loved music…loved the bold bass and rhythm of the instruments…he was out there in Carlisle's arms dancing away, giggling with delight.

I just sat and watched for a while, a fake smile plastered on my face. I couldn't even find Jake; I had no idea where he went. I guess it was just one of those nights where Jake had found something better to do…it no longer surprised me.

When the third slow song of the night started, I had enough, and I pushed my chair back and rose. With a lump in my throat I made my way around the back wall, intending to go hide in the ladies room, changing my mind at the last second when a group of laughing teenagers pushed past me through the doors.

Looking around I saw the pretty glass french doors that led out to the back, no one saw me leave, they were all too wrapped up in themselves.

Esme was right…the hotel had done a wonderful job decorating the terrace. Tiny white lights were strung all along the beams and around the rose bushes. Large white heat lamps gave out a warm glow, and blended into their surroundings with classic charm.

Two angelic white doves caught my eye…they seemed to be watching me; they sat huddled together on a bare branch of a large oak tree making these tiny cooing sounds. The small twinkling lights that were strung on the branches made them look like something out of a picture book, making me captivated by their beauty.

It was odd, doves rarely exposed themselves in the winter, yet here these two were, looking like they belonged perfectly there.

I leaned against the rail just staring at them for a few minutes…marveling at their elegance. It was true what people said about doves…they gave me a brief sense of peace, and the panic and anger that had been surrounding me, slowly faded away as I watched them.

The white wicker loveseat called out to me, and I headed straight for it, sinking down into the seat cushion and closing my eyes with a soft sigh. I gave into the feelings I had been struggling with for nearly two years, and let myself daydream…

What if Edward had never lost his brother? Would we still have gone down such a hard road anyways?

What if I had known how to help him? How to reach him? Make him talk to me, instead of turning to the bottle.

I knew the lure of the bottle…and the consequences…I knew them all too well, and I would never…ever… let Charlie go through that.

Despair tightened around me and a cross between a breath and a sob escaped from my lips. It didn't matter how I felt anymore…I had a child to protect…a child to raise, and when I became a mom I vowed to be the best mom I could…

A soft breeze made me shiver slightly, sending me back to my daydream…

What if Edward suddenly showed up? Right here…right now…what would I do? What would I say?

And that intense, longing feeling of wishing he were here made me open my eyes, for a second I thought I was still dreaming, because there standing right in front of me, looking at me with these gorgeous green eyes, was Edward…

…********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**EPOV**

The bartender remembered me…I don't know why…or what I did that made me stand out in his mind, but he actually remembered my name.

"Well look who's back…it's Big E…it's Edward."

I never even noticed this guy was missing a tooth until he grinned at me, "What'll it be?"

"Got any vodka?" I sat down on the stool and leaned up against the bar. The bartender let out this ridiculous laugh and didn't even answer me; he just grabbed one of the tiny shot glasses sitting neatly on the bar, and reached for a gleaming yellow bottle with his other hand. He poured that stuff right in front of me and pushed the glass up near my elbows.

"Where you been?" he picked up this dirty looking rag and began wiping the bar with it, "I haven't seen you around."

I just shrugged, wrapping my fingers tightly around the glass, "Nowhere."

"Nowhere huh?" he didn't look at me as he talked, just kept wiping this same spot over and over with those big burly hands.

"Thought maybe you finally went home to that pretty girl who kept coming in here for you…"

His words jerked me to attention and I glared at him, "What pretty girl?"

"You know…the pretty one…long brown hair…big sad eyes…she was always trying to get you to leave with her, telling you to go home with her…" he looked at me and shrugged, "but you never did."

I don't know why, but he was making me mad, "What the fuck are you talking about?" I snapped, raising the glass to my lips.

"The pretty girl…" he turned away from me and threw the rag down onto the floor, "You know…the one that would come in here…you called her Bell or Bella or something…" he paused, "but then you called all the girls who came in here, that…but she was the pretty one though…I always thought you would go home with her…"

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

I'm pretty sure I blinked twice, not moving any other part of my body, for fear the image of Edward would vanish from my sight…it didn't, instead it let out this shuddering sigh…I could see the tiny white puffs of breath float around his face.

He tilted his head to the side, those green eyes still watching me. They looked sad…

I didn't say anything…just waited for my daydream to disappear…I still loved him…I was sure of that, absolutely one hundred percent sure of it, nothing could ever change that. Just the way I was sure that my Daddy loved Mama…he loved her so much he never left…even when I was sure he would…even when she would yell and scream at him…he still stayed by her side, as if she was all he had. He ignored the signs…looked the other way…he lived in denial, they both did…and it hurt the one thing they created together…

"I thought you left already…" Edward finally spoke, he was speaking slowly…and very carefully, "but then I saw Charlie…with my parents…and I knew you still had to be here."

I just kept watching him, straining my ears to catch the tiniest bit of slur...looking directly into his eyes for a hint of cloudiness.

"I wasn't going to come…" he continued, his voice choppy, "I had no intention of coming…I went to a…I was at…" he faltered, and I knew it…I already knew it…

…**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**EPOV**

"You're fucking lying." I could almost taste the vodka…it was right there, sitting under my lip. He couldn't be talking about Bella…she only came here once or twice…

My words didn't even faze the guy, he just shrugged. "Fuck Edward…I don't know who she was…you always had girls hanging over you…she was probably just another lay for you…she was the only one who tried to take you home though…" he urged me with a wave of his hand to drink up…"There was a redhead who liked to hang at your arm all the time too, and the black haired girl…she was shit ugly man, I'm glad you didn't hook up with her…the blonde was a looker…really stunning, she never talked to you…just sat in the back and watched you…all the guys would try to hit on her but she just gave them a fucking drop dead look. I thought she was your sister or something…"

The smell of the liquor was making my head spin…I didn't know what the hell this guy was talking about…or all these girls. I couldn't remember a damn thing and it was frustrating me.

I breathed in another whiff of the vodka and closed my eyes…

"She stopped coming after a while…" the guy just wouldn't shut the fuck up, "the brown haired one…she got mad at you…screamed at you about some guy…probably your dad or something…about some Charlie guy…and that you needed to go with her…you just blew her off…that was the last time I saw her here…"

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

He was kneeling in front of me now…just having him this close to me was making my heart cry out. I wanted him…any way he was…I wanted him…

"I went to a bar, Bella…" his words were suddenly clear and strong…and all I could see in those perfect green eyes was my own reflection staring back at me, "but I didn't drink…didn't drink anything at all…instead the bartender…he remembered me…knew my name…he told me something…but I didn't believe him…"

His hands were gripping my knees, they weren't trembling, they were warm and steady, and felt so good.

Edward shifted closer to me so that his chest pressed against my legs, he looked up at me longingly, those green eyes looking deep into mine, his hands sliding up to my waist, "He said you kept coming back…to the bar…tried to make me go home with you…was that true? Did you keep coming back for me?"

I wasn't sure what he was talking about…he knew I kept going back…kept trying to make him come home…didn't he? I could only nod at him slowly, my eyes searching his.

"Did you…did you come to tell me when Charlie got sick?" his voice held so much pain, and his fingers were digging into my skin. I could see, from the look in his eyes that he almost wished I hadn't gone to the bar that day…to tell him about Charlie.

I hesitated for a moment…the idea of pretending it never happened flashed across my mind…but that would be taking the easy way out…avoiding having to talk…and I would be just as bad as I accused Edward of being…

"It was me…" I whispered, still hypnotized by the look in his eyes. I wanted to put my hands on him…touch his face...tell him I still loved him…

He nearly groaned, "What…what did I do? What did I tell you?" his gaze never left my face and I knew this was hard for him…it was hard for me too. I didn't want to tell him…right now his mind didn't remember the horror of that day…and all the sleepless nights that followed it.

But as hard as it was, he didn't give up; "Please…" his voice was a whisper.

And I knew that he needed to hear this…he needed to know…he _wanted _to know. I wouldn't have to carry this burden by myself any longer. "I tried to tell you…that Charlie was sick…and you…you ignored me…" I started, "didn't listen to me…you were…_with_…someone." I wanted to look away; this was going to hurt the both of us.

"Someone?" Edward tilted his head to the side confused, but just for a second…cause then it hit him…he realized what I meant, he realized what I was talking about…his eyes grew wide at my words and he let out a sound…a half cry, half moan.

"You were drunk…" I just kept on talking…trying to make this easier somehow…"you didn't know me…didn't know it was me…I tried to tell you…the ambulance was on its way…you just…just laughed…I couldn't stay…I had to go…" I tried to keep my voice steady…those green eyes filled with tears, and I couldn't help it…I placed my hand on his shoulder, my fingers curling into the curve near his neck…trying to offer some comfort, and taking some for myself as well… as we relived the past.

"I'm sorry…" he shook his head at me, "I know it sounds worthless…but I'm so sorry."

"So am I…" I shook my head at him, "I'm sorry that I wasn't enough…for you…"

"No…" he argued, shutting his eyes at my words, "That wasn't it…it wasn't you…you don't understand…"

"Then tell me…" I begged, placing my hand underneath his chin and forcing him to open his eyes and look at me, "Make me understand."

"I want too…" I could hear the pleading in his voice, and see the desperation in his eyes. It tore at me. "I'm trying to…but…" he hesitated, pressing his lips tightly together…trying to find some courage, "I'm afraid…I'm scared Bella…" his breath escaped him with a sigh…"What if it doesn't make a difference," he shrugged, "What if it doesn't made a damn difference between us?"

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

I was only twelve but I still remember that day…it still stands out in my mind and in my heart…

"Here try the blue one on…blue looks good on you, Bells…"

Mama had taken me shopping…at the mall…just the two of us. She'd gotten up early on a Saturday morning and told me to go get ready because we were going on a girl's day out…that we deserved it.

So I got dressed and we headed for the mall…we rarely went to the mall. I was cautious at first…watching Mama's every move…waiting for her to get tired of shopping…to get tired of me…but she didn't, instead she bought us both an ice cream cone…and then a soda…and then one of those big salted pretzels with melted cheese.

Afterwards we went into shop after shop, trying on clothes and giggling like teenagers. She let me buy two new shirts and a new pair of jeans.

By the time dinner rolled around we went to this tiny restaurant that was at the end of the mall and ate the best home cooked fried chicken and mashed potatoes that I had ever tasted. I was in heaven; it was one of the best days I could remember.

Her words still echoed in brain…what she said to me in the restaurant…

"I'm serious Bella…I'm not going to drink anymore…I'm throwing those bottles away when we get home. I promised your Dad…and I'm promising you…I'm through with drinking…"

And I believed her…it was the happiest I had been in years, she had finally choosen me.

It lasted a week.

Seven days to be exact.

Then the bottles came back.

And the yelling.

And the fighting.

As the years went by, I spent more and more time away from home. Staying at friend's houses…hanging out at the library after school…anything to keep from going home.

When I was allowed early admission to college at seventeen, I jumped at the chance to get out of my house…and away from her.

Once I left…I never looked back. Only naming my son after my dad, because despite everything…even though he never put me first…he didn't leave me…he stayed.

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

So I kept looking into those green eyes…trying to keep myself from flinging into his arms. Edward was right…what if whatever he said didn't make a difference? What if there was nothing or no one who could make it better? What if it was really over?

Did I want to be just like my Daddy? No, I couldn't...I wouldn't. I closed my eyes begging silently for some kind of strength for what I was about to do, a sign that I was doing the right thing.

"Bella?" Edward's voice was soft, and sounded far away, "I'm trying baby...I promise you...I'm trying."

I opened my eyes and looked back down at him. His hands were still gripping my waist, his eyes still searching mine…my heart jumped at the sight, and I knew it always would.

Almost on cue, the band that was sitting up on the balcony began to play a slow, serene tune. It almost took me by suprise...I knew they couldn't see us through the large beams of the terrace, yet the timing...

I took a quick breath…and looked right into those precious eyes.

It was the doves. They interrupted me…right before I was going to speak…they interrupted me. Those two white doves, either they had read my mind and hated what I was thinking…or they knew something I didn't know. They both swooped down from their branch at that exact moment and fluttered right into the terrace, circling over both Edward's and my head, their tiny cooing sounds filling our ears, before settling down on one of small wicker side tables. We both watched them, turning our heads in their direction in awe. They took a few tiny steps and then stood still, huddled together, their tiny eyes just watching us.

They made me change my mind…those two doves…I can't really tell you why...it was just way they made me feel...they way they made me ache...so instead of telling Edward goodbye, I slid my hands from his shoulders, down his forearms, to where his hands rested, grabbing his hands in mine…the words just came right out of me…

"Dance with me…" I stood, pulling him up with me…"please dance with me."

He looked bewildered at first…looking up at my face, to the doves, and back to me. But still, he came willingly into my arms, holding onto me firmly as if he sensed this might be the last time.

But I knew…even though there were still secrets to be revealed…and trust to be built…that this time I wasn't going to let go.

This was _my_ husband…this man in my arms…he was mine, and I wasn't ready to let it end…

I could feel his quick, warm breath on my neck…feel the urgency in the way he held me…he was still afraid of losing me…but he had it all wrong…he had never really lost me…I had lost him, and now it was time for me to rediscover this man again…this man I loved.

The music kept playing softly around us…floating across our skin in rhythm and waves…it kept us there…and it felt like forever, which was good…because we needed forever.

As if they felt like they accomplished what they came for…those two sweet doves let out a few final coos before spreading their wings and flying off into the twinkling night sky…disappearing over the skyline of the bare trees.

And they left me…surrounded in those warm arms…of the man…who I was meant to be with…

...*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**Have a magical Holiday everyone!**

**See you at the next chapter...We Never Change**

**Later! MBella**


	16. We Never Change

**Well hello! It's good to be back! I know I should apologize (again and again) for taking so long...but I don't want to hog up any more time than I have to. :D So let's move right on shall we? **

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I do not.**

**Chap 16 We Never Change**

**Enjoy!**

...**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

_I wanna live life, never be cruel,  
I wanna live life, be good to you._

_...*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
_

**EPOV**

"Dance with me…"

The moon was shining way up high in the sky; filling the night air all around us with just a touch of light. Up from the balcony the soft violin's notes fell over us, but I could barely hear them because the only thing that filled my mind and heart was the stunning vision in front of me.

"Please?" Her voice sounded so low and far away, but she reached for me, and I could see it there in her eyes…they were wide and shining, looking right at me with nothing less than love.

I sucked in my breath, my mind was already spinning; I wanted her so bad…

"_Please_, dance with me…." Suddenly, her hand was in mine…it was warm and soft, and she closed it over my fingers tightly. I could smell her sweet strawberry scent, feel her silky hair brush across my cheek, it fueled the fire that was already coursing through me.

When her arms wrapped around me, the heat of her body sent a chill down my spine; she was so close to me, yet I still wanted to pull her closer…run my fingers over that glorious skin…let my lips travel down her bare shoulder.

I felt the palm of her hand wrap around the back of my neck, ripping out a soft groan from my throat, almost a growl, and I could feel my body beginning to respond to her touches. With a desperate sigh, I let my head fall forward, resting it on her shoulder. I could feel the faint rhythm of her heartbeat, it was steadily beating…filling my ears with a magical, sweet song.

She didn't pull away from me, just let me stand there …and feel her…so close to me.

"Edward…" she said my name…the way only _she_ could say it...and hearing it, from her lips, made my blood roar and my dick throb.

I buried my head into the crook of her neck, wanting to press my lips to her skin in the worst way, to taste her…

Her fingers traveled a gentle path down the back of my neck and across my shoulders, her sweet breath floating past my ear.

When my hands slid up and down her back, she didn't stop me.

When my hands lingered on her lower back…she didn't stop me.

When my hands brushed over her bottom…she didn't stop me.

And all it did was make me more assertive…make me bolder.

So I let my hands keep moving…let them explore more, all while she clung to me…pulling me as close to her as she could. I tried to keep under control…not go to fast, but when she closed her eyes it was my undoing and I could feel my hand traveling downward…she wanted me…I wanted her…

Her breathing quickened when she realized what I was doing…and those sweet little gasps for air just fueled me further…this woman was my entire life…and all I wanted to do was pull her down and bury myself inside her. She gasped again when my hand found what it was looking for; I could feel her fingers instinctively digging into my shoulders.

Slowly…gently…I started stroking her…softly at first…savoring the moment…trying to catch every expression on her face. I wanted to watch her…try to memorize her moans, waiting to see her come…come for me…

Her eyes squeezed shut, and her lips parted as she tried to catch her breath. I focused on that cherry red lip gloss, those plump full lips forming that perfect "O". I stroked her faster…harder….imagining that those lips were wrapped tightly around me.

It was building up inside now…I could tell, she was almost there.

I quickened my moments, still keeping my eyes on her.

Almost there…

And then I could feel it, her hands grabbing the back to my shirt…the quick pants of her breath…her eyes wide and full of lust as they finally met mine.

If only she would tell me she loved me…that's all I needed to hear…_wanted_ to hear…if only she would tell me that…

My hand accelerated its pace and a grunt escaped me. I couldn't wait anymore…

So I imagined that she threw her head back as she came…imagined her crying out my name as she clutched and convulsed around me…and I jerked and shuddered as I felt myself come with her...

When I opened my eyes it was still dark.

Only I wasn't standing in the terrace outside with Bella…I was lying in bed…in my room…in the dark…my hand still wrapped around my dick, my breathing quick and heavy.

My mind was still lost in Bella…I came home from my parent's anniversary party and threw myself on my bed…my head and heart swirling with all that Bella had told me…and from her finally holding me close.

She had pulled me up into her arms after asking me to dance, I could actually feel her heartbeat as we stood there…just holding each other.

It was my imagination…my desire for her…that fueled my lust…my hard on…back in my bed. She didn't actually come on my hand back there at the terrace…but I wish she had…

I pushed back the covers and made my way over to my bathroom to wash up. The steady stream of hot water felt good on my exhausted body…

Last night felt like a true turning point, because I saw something in Bella's eyes…something different…she was different. It was almost as if she had tossed aside all of her mistrust and put all her faith back into me…into _us_…

And that made me feel stronger than I've ever felt. I was ready to do this…

...**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

I've been contemplating the idea to go over to Bella's for about an hour now… but I still haven't moved from my chair. There was something I wanted to do first, while it was still fresh in my mind. The song was almost finished…just a few final touches, and I would be done…I didn't want to leave it that way…just hanging. So I sat there and forced my mind to concentrate, didn't let it wander, made myself write those last final lines.

Even hunched over my desk I could still feel her. She was all around me…her eyes, her hands, her voice.

"Dance with me…" she whispered in my ear…over and over again.

I could feel the way her body felt against mine…her soft, sweet breath…and I closed my eyes just for a minute, letting it flow over me.

The minutes ticked by and still…I wrote…scribbling…erasing…adding…humming…it had to be perfect, if I was going to submit it, it had to be perfect.

When I finally stood up I almost couldn't believe my eyes…or the feelings inside of me. The papers I was holding in my hands were finally complete. But it wasn't just complete…it was true, and full of meaning, I had poured my entire soul into that song, and today, I knew there wasn't anything missing.

After pacing my living room for more than an hour, I finally picked up my phone…

"Just go on ahead and fax them over Mr. Cullen. I'll be sure to leave them on his desk. I know he'll be happy to hear from you. We've missed you."

"Thank you so much Ms. Bryan." My voice still shook a little, even though Ms. Bryan sounded so excited to hear me, assured me that no one back at the office had forgotten me.

"No problem Mr. Cullen. And I have to add, if this is anything like your last song, there's no doubt in my mind that it will go number one."

But I was still scared…because this song meant more to me than any of the others…I didn't need this song to go number one…what I needed to accomplish with this song was far beyond reaching number one…this song was_ us_…this song was me…and Bella…

…***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Bella looked a little frazzled when she opened her door. It worried me for a brief second that dropping by unannounced was a mistake, her eyes looked tinged with pain, and her smile was forced.

"Oh Edward! Come in!" She was holding a small pile of envelopes in her hand, her keys in the other. She moved aside to let me by, at the same time trying to keep the envelopes from falling to the floor.

"I hope I am not intruding." I glanced around the room quickly, trying to figure out what was bothering her, but mostly looking for signs of Black.

"No…please…" her voice almost cracked, it startled me and I moved closer to her without actually realizing it.

"Are you okay? Is everything okay?" My hand reached for her, touching her elbow gently. It was just a simple touch, but it spoke volumes between us.

She shook her head no but I could still see the worry in her eyes. "It's all right; really…it's just that…"

A lone envelope escaped from her hands and floated down to the tile below us. She stared at it quietly and then gave out this surrendering sigh… "I'm supposed to go meet Alice…and I need to mail these…" she sighed again, "It was my fault really…I left them on the sofa and Charlie got into them…he shoved some of these under the door, and I can't…I mean, I won't…" her voice trailed off.

"Charlie?" my head cocked to the side frowning, I was starting to really worry now. "Is he okay?"

"Oh he's fine…he's playing in his playpen," she waved her hand in the air trying to reassure me. "We're already half hour late but I just can't…"

I finally let my fingers close around her elbow, "What's wrong baby?" The way she was looking, so worried and anxious…it just completely overtook my emotions…I just acted on them.

She hesitated…just for a brief second, watching me carefully…but just like the night of my parent's anniversary party, I saw it again…something different, someone bolder…

"He pushed them under the music room door…" her voice was barely a whisper, but somehow she had found the courage to tell me, "And I haven't been inside that room since…" her eyes meet mine again, "Since you left…"

And there it was…right there on the table, for both of us to see…my heartbeat increased at her words. She wasn't holding back…she had shared something with me that could potentially hurt her…but yet she did it.

"You haven't?" I tried to keep my voice steady, but it was really hard. She shook her head slowly at me.

My throat tightened, I just wanted to pull her into my arms and hug her for reaching out to me. "Can I…" I chose my words carefully, "help you with that?"

It was her quick, small smile that made me feel like a thousand weights had been lifted from my shoulders, she was going to let me help her.

"Come on." I leaned over and scooped up the letter off the floor, took the remaining envelopes and keys from her hands and placed them on the counter, "Let's go inside…"

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"At first Jazz was really mad at me that I hadn't called him, that I went to a bar without telling him or letting him help me…" I was leaning back comfortably in my chair, my legs stretched out in front of me. Dr. Clearwater wasn't even holding his clipboard as he listened to me… "But after I told him the whole story…and told him why I needed to do this alone, he seemed to understand."

"That's excellent to hear, Mr. Cullen." Dr. Clearwater nodded at me. "I am glad both you and Mr. Whitlock seem to be on the mend, I know his friendship means a lot to you."

"He would've tried to stop me from going, and I needed to find out for myself, that even if things don't always go my way, it doesn't mean I have to go back to drinking again."

"That's exactly right…" Dr. Clearwater almost smiled, "You've done a lot of good things for yourself these past few months, made a lot of good choices, but you always need to remember…it's not always going to go your way…there will be times when your will, and your patience will be tested, please remember that."

"Will I know when it's gone?" I tilted my head to the side, "That awful urge to drink? To go back there? Will I be able to feel it?"

"Mr. Cullen," Dr. Clearwater sat up a little in his chair, he pushed his glasses further up on the bridge of his nose, "I'm afraid it will never be gone…this is something that will always be with you…it will never go away, it will always challenge you. What you have to do, in order to survive…in order to beat this…is know the warning signs…"

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

She hung back, behind me as my hand closed over the knob. I could see why this was so hard for her…why it was so hard to enter this room, because inside was a world that we'd created before anything bad had happened. Inside held all our wishes and dreams before they were crushed. Inside was all the love…still bottled up…in hopes that we would let it out again.

At first glance it was just a room, a room filled with musical instruments…cold and dark…it hadn't been used, or lived in, for quite a while. My hand reached for the light switch, and underneath my feet, I could feel the crumple of paper where Charlie had shoved two or three envelopes beneath the door.

I reached down and picked up the torn envelopes, trying to smooth them out for Bella, running my fingers over her delicate handwriting. Somehow we were both like these envelopes…ruined and torn on the outside, but still holding so much on the inside. I turned and placed them in her hands, offering her a smile, trying to let her know that it was okay…that we would be okay.

"Thank you." She said softly, looking down into her hands, "Thank you Edward."

"Do you want to…?" I waited until she looked up at me, "Go inside?" I gestured to inside of the room.

"Yes…sure." Her voice just shook a little. I took a few steps in and turned to her, to ask her to come in with me, but she was already right behind me, her eyes already taking in the room around her like a long lost friend.

"It's still beautiful." She said aloud, not really to me in particular…but I knew exactly what she meant.

"Yes…it's still very beautiful." I let myself walk up to the wall where all our guitars hung. It was still a breathtaking sight to see.

"I didn't move anything…" she offered when she saw me inspecting the guitars, "I left it just the way it was…I thought maybe one day…one day…" her voice trailed off. I turned towards her, waiting for her to finish, wondering what that one day held for her.

But she just gave me a half smile and turned around, walking over to my desk, her hands gliding over my unfinished music…she wasn't ready to share that with me, perhaps it was my turn to share…

"I wrote a song." I said to her back, and I saw her fingers freeze in mid touch. She didn't turn to look at me but I knew I had her full attention. "I submitted it this morning. I hope to hear from them soon…even if they don't like it." I forced a laugh.

Just when I thought the silence was beginning to get awkward, she turned around.

"You…you wrote a song?" Her eyes seemed much wider than before, and her voice…I swore it there was just a touch of pride in there.

"Yes," I was feeling a little embarrassed and shoved both my hands in my pants pockets, gave her a little shrug, "Just something I had been working on…"

"Really? A song?" Her tone was really shaking me up…it seemed with each new word out of her mouth, you could hear the pride a little bit clearer.

I just nodded, feeling almost sheepish, I wanted to shuffle my feet and stare at the ground, but she started walking towards me…it made me freeze in place.

"Can I…hear it?" She was this close…looking up at me with those with big brown eyes.

I wanted to play it for her…really I did…but that damn fear hit me right there all of a sudden. What if she didn't like it? What if she hated it actually? Or worse…what if she realized that the song…the entire song…was just for her?

…********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"How did it feel Mr. Cullen? To be back inside a bar?" Dr. Clearwater didn't really seem too concerned about my response…he seemed more interested in the small, colorful ball he held in his hands. He turned it over and over, squinting at it if necessary. It was made out of probably a hundred different colored rubber bands, each a different thickness.

I stared at the rubber bands for a bit, contemplating making one of my own when I got back home. "I thought I was going to like it…being back in there…thought I was going to just be able to pick up right where I left off. But it didn't happen that way."

"Why do think that is?" Dr. Clearwater straightened out one of the rubber bands carefully.

"Well I'm not really sure…" I paused when Dr. Clearwater let out this little humming noise, almost as if he was not agreeing with me. "Everyone was still the same, everything exactly in the same spot, nothing changed. But when I started talking to the bartender…I could tell right away he wasn't the same…he kept on talking to me…he never talked to me before."

Dr. Clearwater let out this little chuckle at my words but offered no explanation.

"He told me all kinds of things…things I didn't know about. He's pretty much the reason why I left. Left without drinking…"

Dr. Clearwater's eyes finally snapped up to mine. "No Mr. Cullen, the bartender was _not_ the reason…I am almost positive the bartender was still the same…but there was one thing that was _not _the same, don't you see…when you say everyone and everything was exactly the same you forgot one important thing…the _most _important thing…"

I just stared at him in silence, waiting for him to continue. His hands were completely still, the ball trapped tightly in his palms. "The bartender you speak about…he was not the one who was different. It was _you_…Mr. Cullen…_you_ were not the same…_you_ were different…and that is why the entire scenario played out the way it did, because if everything was exactly the same, you wouldn't be here right now…you would be back in that bar…drunk."

…********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

I didn't know what to say…how to tell her that I wanted her to hear it but I just didn't have the nerve to play it for her. She waited right there next to me, her face bright and expectant. How was I going to tell her no?

My mouth opened but nothing came out, and before she could question me, Charlie let out this protesting yell from his playpen. He had heard us talking and wanted to know what he was missing.

"Ma ma ma ma ma!" he yelled, you could hear the frustration in it. And when Bella didn't respond right away he tried another tactic, "Da da dada!" That one broke through us, making both of us smile at the same time.

Bella turned, making her way back to the door. "Coming Charlie!" her voice still sounded happy so I let out this little sigh of relief that she hadn't sensed that I didn't want to play the song for her. I could still hear Charlie protesting, even after Bella tried to soothe him. It sounded like he was struggling in her arms, and finally after a few short cries, he stopped.

I thought about walking out of the room to go help her, but then I heard his tiny footsteps as they padded across the hall. A second later he appeared at the doorway of the music room.

He looked around him in awe, his chubby cheeks flushed pink from the squabble he had with his mother just moments ago. He was completely mesmerized by all the shiny equipment. I smiled to myself at his reaction, realizing that this was the one thing I got to witness, all by myself, Charlie's very first time in the music room.

"Come here…come here, little man." I squatted down to his level and waved my hand at him. His tiny eyes met mine and he let out this happy grin along with some garbled chatter and toddled his way over to me.

"Look at this Charlie…isn't it beautiful?" I lifted him up in my arms and raised us both so that we were facing the guitars. Charlie seemed thrilled, his eyes washing over all the sparkling strings and gleaming wood. "This one is your Mama's." My hand reached out and gently touched the Roger McGuinn briefly before I turned back to Charlie, "It's the prettiest one here…" I could feel the tightening in my throat, "just like your Mama."

We both stood there in silence for a moment, until we heard Bella's voice coming down the hall. She had her cell phone perched up near her ear when she reached the doorway, but then she paused, taking in the scene before her. I gave her a warm smile, still holding Charlie in my arms.

"He likes the guitars." I added helpfully, turning to the guitars quickly and then back at her.

She didn't say anything at first, and then she smiled back at me, "Yes…I always hoped he would." The cell phone seemed forgotten in her hand until we both heard the chattering on the other line. I recognized that high pitched voice anywhere and I chuckled when Alice screeched again on the other end demanding attention.

"I'm on my way Alice." Bella gave out a tiny sigh, refocusing on her phone. "I was just getting the letters together…yes I know…give me twenty minutes."

She finally brought her hand down, looking back at Charlie and me.

"We have to go Edward, I'm sorry; I need to go meet Alice."

I nodded and took a step toward her, ready to hand Charlie over. "Thank you for letting me visit today." I didn't want to break our gaze, hoping she really knew how much this meant to me.

"You are welcome, anytime." Her arms were reaching out to me, but I knew she was reaching for our son.

But there was something different in today…in right now…instead of reaching back for his mother, Charlie turned away, wrapping his small arm around my shoulder and giving out a protesting grunt. We both stood in surprise for a moment; I was so stunned I couldn't even enjoy Charlie's reaction.

"Charlie baby, we have to go, come on…" And there it was again…that same tinge of pride in Bella's voice…my ears weren't playing tricks on me were they?

Charlie refused again, this time putting both arms around me and burrowing his head into my chest, hoping if he didn't see his mother, then she couldn't see him.

Bella gave out this small "Ah…" sound, all while smiling at me like she couldn't believe what she was seeing, but happy that she was seeing it all along.

"It's okay little man…I'll be back." I rubbed his back softly, trying to pull him away from me. He gave out a whimper and locked on tighter.

I just sort of shrugged at Bella, not really sure of what to do. Bella seemed to be stuck in the same position, just standing there, not reaching for Charlie, not doing anything. She kept watching us, her eyes moving back and forth between me and Charlie.

"Would you like to stay?" She finally asked me, the words just came out of her, nothing forced or careful.

"Stay?" I asked, hoping that she was thinking what I was thinking.

"Yes stay…here with Charlie…just for a little bit…maybe an hour or so. I can go meet Alice real quick and bring us back some supper. Would you like that?"

I could feel myself squeezing Charlie tighter at every word she said. "I would love to stay with Charlie." I tried not to beam at her, but I don't think I did a very good job because she let out this sweet little laugh and nodded at me.

"You're welcome to play in here with him…and help yourself to anything you see in the fridge." The keys jingled in her hand, "I'll call you if I'll be more than an hour."

I just kept right on smiling at her.

She came closer to us and put her hand on my arm, leaning in close, I could smell her… it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up, but she only gave Charlie a kiss on his cheek, and whispered bye to him.

I have no fucking idea how I managed to stay standing with my boy in my arms without dancing all over the room after that. And when she turned one more time to look at us from the doorway, this time I know I heard it for sure. "Thank you Edward…this is really wonderful to see…" she waved her hand in front of her gesturing around the room, but I really swear, the pride was distinct in her voice, and she _wasn't _talking about the room…

,,,********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

An hour later both Charlie and I were still inside the music room, right in the center…surrounded by some sheet music and my guitar that I had plucked off the wall after some thought. Bella wouldn't mind, would she?

The time flew right by us…I would strum a few notes for Charlie and he would giggle and clap for more. I even propped him up in my lap for a while, showing him how to strum properly, laughing when all he wanted to do was try and eat the strings.

We had a blast when I showed him the keyboard. I let him go wild there, and he banged out a melody that would put any rock star to shame…at least that's my story…and I'm sticking to it…

But when we had traveled around the room at least twice, we found ourselves back where we started from, sitting in the middle of the floor, my guitar in my hands. I didn't want to put it down. We were both happy and relaxed.

"What do you want to hear Son? Want Daddy to sing for you?" I gave the guitar a quick strum that immediately brought Charlie to attention.

"Da!" he said happily, raising both hands in the air.

"Well let's see? What's your favorite song? Do you tend to lean towards the more hip hop melodies of the 80's? Or are you a hardcore rock fan? Maybe a little _Coldplay_?

Charlie gave out this tiny snort that I took for a no.

"All right then, no rock…no 80's…just don't tell me you want to sing Barney songs…" I chuckled, strumming the guitar again, having the time of my life.

The irritated look on Charlie's face turned my chuckle into a full fledged laugh… "You're right, how dare I think you would like Barney…ok, no Barney songs. Let's do little _Wheels on the Bus_…

The peppy little tune instantly perked Charlie up; I could tell he had heard this before…Bella must sing to him often.

Loving his reaction, I racked my brain for all the childhood songs I could remember. My mom loved to sing _This Old Man_…and _Bingo_…

But my favorite…and Emmett's too… was _Twinkle Twinkle Little Star_…we would beg mom to sing that one and least twice before she tucked us in for the night. Sometimes Em would act all goofy and change the words around to Twinkle Twinkle Little Fart…which never went well with mom and usually got us a disapproving stare…

So sitting here on the floor playing for my son, sent wave after wave of memories flooding through my head and heart, I didn't want this moment to end…because for the first time I was able to think about my brother without a deep pain in my heart. I realized that Em was still here…his memory would still live on…as long as I kept playing…and living my life…he would live on, _in me_…

After playing _Twinkle Twinkle Little Star_ and a snappy rendition of _Happy Birthday_, my mood was still soaring high and my fingers found the urge to play the first song I had written for Bella…to play _Yellow_.

Charlie wouldn't judge me…he wouldn't care if it sounded horrible. So I really let myself go…my hands flew over my guitar in an easy fluid fashion, my voice strong and bold. It came naturally to me, as if it had never left…the strumming of the guitar, the singing, the rhythm and beat swirling all around us. It felt so good to have my old guitar back in my hands.

Charlie was completely silent…listening with this wide eyed look as the music rose and rose some more. Neither of us was keeping track of the time or our surroundings for that matter. So when the last of the notes fell upon our ears and faded away with a faint hush, we just sat there quietly.

Charlie heard her first. I think it was the jingle of keys…or the quick tapping of her footsteps, but either way, we both jumped when Bella appeared in the doorway, her face a bright pink, her eyes bright with a beautiful sparkle.

"Mama!" Charlie twisted his little body in attempts to stand himself. I reached out and helped raise him to his feet, not tearing my eyes away from Bella's face.

When her eyes met mine, a quick sharp jolt traveled down my back. I could have mimicked Charlie in my attempt to stand.

"I didn't realize you two were still in here." Bella's heavenly voice traveled across the room, invading my ears and temporarily making me motionless.

"We were just playing…" I suddenly found my own voice, "Twinkle Twinkle seems to be his favorite…" I wondered if I made any sense.

But she shot me this bright admiring smile as Charlie toddled over to his mother's arms. When she scooped him up, he let out this soft yawn and rested his cheek on her shoulder. She gave him a gentle squeeze and rubbed his back affectionately still with that sweet expression on her face. I so longed to be in my son's place right now.

"It certainly looks like he had a wonderful time." Her body swayed back and forth as she rocked him in her arms.

"I don't know where the time went. I'm sorry if I messed up his nap or something." I didn't want Bella thinking I didn't care about my son's well being.

"Oh, that's perfectly okay. I don't think he'll have a problem making up for a missed nap. I think he's out already." She turned her head to peek at Charlie's closed eyes. "There are some things worth a missed nap or two." She smiled at me again.

I just grinned back at her, hoping she was feeling everything that I was feeling. She kept on rocking Charlie, kept on watching me. I realized her eyes were focused on my guitar that I was holding in my hands.

"Let me just put this away." I quickly grabbed the neck of my guitar intending to hang it back up on the wall.

"No wait…keep it…hang on…" With a quick turn of her heel she exited the room and then returned, her arms empty, not less than ten seconds later. She didn't say anything to me, instead walked right up the wall of guitars and carefully took down her own Roger McGuinn.

With her guitar in hand she made her way over to the center of the room where I was still standing.

"Can you play it again for me?" those brown eyes were shining at me, wide with expectation.

"Play it again?" I tilted my head to the side, not sure what she was talking about.

"Yes, the song…the one I heard…the one you were playing for Charlie." Her words sent a wave of shock through my body. She had heard me…

"Uh…played for Charlie? You mean Twinkle Twinkle?" I shifted my feet knowing what she was going to say.

"No, not that one…the other one…I've never heard it before…it sounded beautiful. Will you teach it to me?"

I just kept staring at her…she had heard _Yellow_…or at least part of it…and she didn't hate it.

"Please?" There were those eyes again…all wide and round, making my heart do flip flops.

"Uh…I…uh…sure." I was stuttering but at the same time I could feel that tiny bubble of excitement begin to grow within me. She wanted me to teach her…she wanted to play with me…it had been so long since we played together.

She smiled again and plopped herself right down on the floor, patting the space in front of her, gesturing me to sit down.

So I did.

And the minute I did, the world shifted again, and for the next hour, it was just us two…all by ourselves…laughing and talking…lost in our own little world. The feeling was beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

"Is that a D chord?" Bella wasn't looking at me; she was looking intently down at the guitar in her hands.

"Yes…it's a D 6…" I was more entranced by the woman in front of me than the music we were making together.

"And you played it again here right?" she gave the guitar another strum.

"Yes…it's just a little softer there. If you move your finger just a tiny bit, it will make the same sound…listen." I reached over with my right hand and lightly slid her finger over; she sucked in her breath a little before looking up at me and smiling again.

"It sounds so pretty…did you write this? What's it called?"

"Thank you…I did write it…it's called…" I didn't know if she was going to realize the significance of it, but at that point I didn't care…I wanted to share this with her. "It's called _Yellow_."

She didn't say anything…just stared at me quietly, maybe blinking once or twice. I debated whether to explain the meaning or not…

"I called it Yellow because…" except I really didn't have to explain anything…because Bella knew me better than I knew myself…because she was the woman who was made especially for me…because without me telling her…she knew exactly why this song was called Yellow.

The guitar slid from her lap and down to the floor as she leaned forward, she gently pushed the neck of it away from her leg as she rose to her knees…it happened all so fast I didn't really have a chance to react, or even get nervous, because before I could finish my sentence all I could hear were the bells ringing in my brain and the soft caress of Bella's lips on mine.

Her hands rested on my shoulders as she tilted her head. I could feel the tickle of her hair as it rubbed across my cheek and the faint smell of strawberries as her nose touched mine. When her mouth opened and her tongue slid softly over mine, I was afraid to move, for fear if I did she would stop kissing me.

But the seconds ticked by and she was still here…still touching me…still kissing me…and my hands got tired of waiting for my brain to give them permission to move. I found myself feeling the soft fabric of her pretty blue sweater underneath my fingertips as I held onto her waist. Still she kept kissing me, pressing against me just a little bit harder, so I let my hands wander up her back as I rose to me knees alongside her, bringing her body closer to mine, letting her feel me against her. Her hands left my shoulders and wrapped themselves around my neck, her touch felt so soft, and I remembered how much I loved the feeling of having her next to me…of having her _love_ me.

We stayed locked together for quite some time, neither of us seemed to want to let go of the other. I kept moving my hands over her hair…her face…her shoulders…exploring her all over again, not sexually…but lovingly…the way a husband should. It had been so long since my fingers were allowed to touch her, and I tried to use my touch to express the way I was feeling. Tried to show her what it could be like again…what I wanted to share with her.

When our lips finally broke apart, we were still wrapped in each other's arms, she looked up at me expectantly, waiting for me to say something.

Without trying to struggle to search for something to say, I let my finger trace along her cheek, "I've missed you." I whispered into the silence of the room.

"I've missed you too." She whispered back.

"Do you think that we can make some time for each other again? There's a lot I need to tell you." I resisted against the urge to pull her in for another kiss.

"I'd really like that…" she gave me a shy smile and turned her cheek into my hand, closing her eyes briefly.

"There's a little place…not here in town…a few miles out…they have nice music there…and food. Would you like to go there Friday night? We can take Charlie with us, that would be no problem." I let my hand travel down her cheek and trace a path along that beautiful brown hair.

She smiled at me, her eyes already telling me yes, but then before she opened her mouth, she frowned.

"Friday? This Friday?"

I nodded at her, "We can go Saturday if Friday is not good for you."

"No…no…it's not that." She leaned back onto her heels and stayed silent for a moment, still not taking her eyes off of me. Then with a soft sigh she tilted her head, "I'm sorry…I can't go Friday…or Saturday…I'm leaving, going to be out of town…"

There was more to it; I could see it in her eyes.

"There's a conference I need to attend…for work…in Florida. I'll be gone a week."

"Florida? For work? Who's going to take care of Charlie?"

"Uh…Charlie is going with me…I've already taken care of the child care arrangements." She was fiddling with her fingers, she kept out gaze though. It made me uncomfortable.

"You're going to let a stranger watch Charlie?" I let my hand slide down her arm and gently took her hand in mine. "Please don't take this the wrong way…but why don't you let me go with you…I can watch Charlie…I promise to take good care of him."

"Oh Edward…" she half whispered, half sighed, "I _know_ you would take good care of him…I _know_ that…and if I didn't already have someone, I would let you in a heartbeat…but I can't…this was planned months and months ago…I'm sorry."

"You can't just tell them you changed your mind?" It was there, that tiny seed of irritability mixed with fear…and it was growing…

"No I can't…you see I didn't hire someone…" She pressed her lips together tightly and then finally said, "its Jake…he's coming with me and Charlie…he went with us last year too."

It was easy to see the red…I mean it was all around me…swallowing me. I wanted to bolt…the minute those words hit my ears…I wanted out of there…

"_What you have to do, in order to survive…in order to beat this…is know the warning signs…" _

I'm not sure why Dr. Clearwater's words popped into my head at that moment, but they did, even through the red. I just kept on breathing…not saying anything…trying to give my body, and my brain a minute to calm down.

Bella watched me carefully, maybe blinking once or twice. There was a flicker in her eyes, and maybe in the past I would have pegged it for deceit, but right now it just looked to as if she had been waiting for an explosion, and when there was none…she realized that something was different.

"Jake isn't just going for me…" she continued to speak in a gentle tone, it soothed me somewhat, "There are some friends there that he is going to meet up with…I think one of them came down for your parent's anniversary party, and a former client."

"Is he staying with you?" That was the closest I could make myself ask instead of a straightforward _are you sleeping with him?_

"No." I think she could read my mind because the pitch in her voice went higher, "He has his own room, he is not staying in the same room with me and Charlie."

I felt her hand turn upward and grip onto my own hand then, it felt warm and firm, "Please Edward…please understand, this was set up months ago…before…any of this…" her free hand waved around the room. "I'll be busy most of the day at the conference…and then Jake will be with his friends…" her eyes pleaded with mine to understand.

The old Edward would have ranted and raved…stomped his feet around…demand that she don't go. The old Edward would have stormed out of the room…maybe broken a few things…threw a fit. The old Edward would have been _drunk_…

I let out a slow breath… "Can I call you…while you're gone?"

She blinked at me again…almost in disbelief, and then smiled, "I would love for you to call me…"

"Every night?" My own teasing tone surprised even me…

She let out a small laugh, "Yes, every night…"

"And in the morning?"

This time we were both smiling.

"And in the morning…but…" she paused.

I cocked my head to side in question.

"But…during lunchtime…_I'll_ call _you_." She giggled…

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"Mr. Cullen, Mr. Faxon and his team looked over the song you sent. He wanted me to give you a message…" I was trying to concentrate but my ears were suddenly filled with a loud roaring sound, this was it…this was really it.

"Yes Ms. Bryan…" I tried not to stutter.

"Yes, Mr. Faxon and his colleagues wanted me to relay that they all loved it. He would like for you to come down to the studio as soon as possible to meet with the lawyers."

The roaring was still going strong but this time it was coupled with the crazy beating of my heart.

"Mr. Cullen? Are you still there? Mr. Faxon is in the middle of a setting up a studio session, he's also having our lawyers write up a contract for you, he told me to reassure you that this contract will be at least double, if not triple than the last one you held. He is really looking forward to working with you again."

"Thank…Thank you Ms. Bryan. I am so happy he liked it. Please tell him I will come down to his office tomorrow…"

"Of course. Thank you Mr. Cullen. We were afraid you were never coming back, we're so glad you called us."

Me too, I wanted to say, only I didn't, I just thanked her again.

Dr. Clearwater was right…I was always going to be challenged…but hopefully be rewarded as well…

"Goodnight Mr. Cullen." Ms. Bryan's cheery voice broke through my thoughts.

"Goodnight Ms. Bryan…and oh, before I forget…"

"Yes Mr. Cullen?"

"The song…tell Mr. Faxon that there will be one small change…"

"Of course…what would that be?"

"The name…tell him I am changing the name…to…Warning Signs…"

…*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**So who wants to take a guess on what the next chapter is going to be called. LOL**

**Hope to see you all on my review page, but I'll understand if you want to hold your reviews hostage as my punishment for taking so long to update. 3**

**See you at the next chapter...**

**Warning Signs.**

**Later! MBella**


	17. Warning Signs

**Hello everyone! I am happy to see you all! Hope you have been doing well and have a wonderful weekend!**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I do not.**

**Enjoy!**

**...************************************************************************************************************************************************  
**

**EPOV**

A few leftover Fall leaves crunched under my feet as I walked across the gravel path. It didn't feel like the perfect day to do this, in fact, I really don't know why I decided to do this today. I kept telling myself for the last week or so to get this over with, but deep in the back of my mind I waited, hoping that somehow I would see a sign, one that would make perfect sense for me…that would tell me to get on out there…that it was time…

...*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**BPOV**

Jake chatted nonstop the entire flight to Florida. Between him talking, and making sure Charlie didn't fuss too much, I had a major headache by the time the plane touched down. All I really wanted to do was go hole myself up in my hotel room and take a nap. I had meetings scheduled all day tomorrow and I really needed the rest. So did Charlie…he missed his nap, refused to nap on the plane. It was all to new to him, his surroundings had kept him wide awake, so as I unbuckled him from his car seat he began to frown and cry.

"Want me to hold him?" Jake stretched out his arms to me.

I shook my head no, "You can help me grab the luggage. I really need the stroller for Charlie so he can stretch out."

"Sure no problem…" Jake reached down and grabbed his cell phone; his eyes flew over the screen quickly before he shut it down once more. He had been doing that the entire flight but made no mention as to why.

Charlie nestled himself on my shoulder right away and closed his eyes. I really didn't want him to fall asleep here, much rather have him nap at the hotel, but what could I do? I rubbed his back softly with my free hand and turned down the aisle toward the luggage pick up…

Jake busied himself watching the revolving luggage tray for our suitcases while I stood by our carryon's with Charlie. A figure brushed past me, his arm bumping into my shoulder. My breath hitched at first glance…the man was tall and lean; he had a head of messy hair with just a touch of bronze in it. I had to do a double take…

"Oh, excuse me Miss, my apologies."

I peered into his eyes…they weren't green, but brown…with a hint of blue to them.

"It's okay." I managed to stutter, offering him a smile that said I accepted his apology. He smiled politely and kept walking.

I tried to shake off the image. Tried to shake off the fact that everywhere I looked I would see someone or something that reminded me of Edward.

Our night in the music room changed everything for me…changed what I wanted out of the rest of my life. Just to hear Edward singing to Charlie…seeing his eyes sparkle again when he saw his guitar hanging on the wall…the way he picked up his sheet music and studied it ever so carefully. It was the old Edward that I saw again…no, not the old Edward…a _new_ Edward…an Edward that had grown to realize what was truly important in his life…and I hoped that he wanted to share that with me.

"Okay, we're all set. Let me grab a cab for us and then we can head out to the hotel." Jake wheeled both suitcases toward me. Now he seemed to be in a big hurry, it almost annoyed me as I tried to juggle Charlie and my carry-on at the same time. He offered me no help, just looked at his freaking phone one more time and turned on his heel, dragging both suitcases behind him.

Taking a deep breath, I propped Charlie a little higher on my shoulder for leverage and gripped the handle of my carry-on tightly, thanking God I didn't wear my work heels for the flight and had decided on jeans and sneakers.

Jake fiddled with his phone during the cab ride, sending emails or text messages, I couldn't tell. I was actually glad, it gave me a minute of peace, and I closed my eyes briefly, leaning my head against the back of the seat.

When I told Edward that Jake was coming with me, I really expected him to explode, or worse, to storm out in a fit of rage. I always had a nagging fear in the back of my mind that anything might push him over the edge, and would send him straight to a bar. I was still struggling with that. Knowing that sooner or later I was going to have to trust him to do what was right, and believe in him that he would do the right thing.

I almost saw the anger flash in his eyes as I told him, and I braced myself for the storm, but it never came. He stayed in control and instead, much to my amazement, he started flirting with me, which left me flushed and then smitten…

Charlie was still asleep when we finally made it to the room. I placed him carefully in the hotel crib while Jake propped my suitcase up near the foot of the bed and made a beeline for the door. He told me he was just going to toss his things in his room and would bring back some dinner in an hour or so, he did this so quickly I couldn't even tell him that I wasn't hungry and that all I really wanted to do was sleep.

I left everything where it was and laid back in the bed, stretching my legs out, and resting my head on the pillow. I stared at the ceiling for a few minutes and turned my head to the side checking out the room. There was a large gold framed mirror that went from the floor at least halfway up the wall. My eyes widened as I saw it, and it sent me hurtling back in time…

...**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**EPOV**

There were little yellow flowers blooming all over the place as I made my way past a couple of rows. I never been here, so I took my time, really looking at everything, the flowers…stone benches…green grass. There were even these small little hills, or mounds, with a few tall trees scattered around and a tiny flowing stream. It was man made…the stream, I mean…you could tell by the perfectly placed rocks and plants, and the school of bright golden fish that all swam huddled together in the same direction. I kept walking, amazed at what I was seeing.

I didn't really know what direction to head in but based on the flowers and trees, I headed toward the patch of the smaller, newer trees…ones who could only be a year or two old…

My eye caught a shiny smooth black stone as I followed the path. It was odd, out of place, yet strangely familiar; it stood out because there was not another stone around like it. I bent over and scooped it up, it fit perfectly in my palm. The sunlight bounced off it, making it look almost glittery. I turned it over a couple of times, trying to guess where I had seen this before…

...***...

"They signed you up again for how long?" Dr. Clearwater was clearly excited…I could tell just by the sound of his voice. He hadn't even bothered to put on his white doctor coat when his secretary told him I had arrived for my appointment; he just swung open the door and waved me in, all smiles.

"Two years." I hadn't even sat down yet.

"Hot damn! Two years! Now that's an accomplishment…" he kept smiling as he reached out and shook my hand. "Well congratulations Edward, I can't wait to hear your stuff on the radio."

I just nodded at him, this tiny seed of pride making me puff out my chest a little bit.

"So when will we get to hear it? The songs, I mean." The grin on his face still prominent. He wasn't sitting in his usual chair; he was still standing, leaning against his desk. There, sitting on the cherry wood finish was a small glass bowl filled with black stones of all shapes and sizes. The only thing they had in common were that they were all black, and each and every one of them gleamed and sparkled like a jewel.

Dr. Clearwater picked up a stone from the bowl absentmindedly and began fiddling with it, turning it over and over in his hands as he waited for me to respond. I stared at the rock a little longer before answering him.

"Well the music is all written, now it goes to the recording artist and once they cut the song and release the album, that's usually when you hear it over the airwaves."

"So a couple of months?" Dr. Clearwater placed the stone back in the bowl.

"More like six." I was still standing…why were we both still standing?

"Well congratulations again…this is something you truly deserve. I hope you will continue to write more wonderful music for all of us to hear. Promise you'll come back and visit me every now and then, that way I can keep telling everyone that I am great friends with the famous Edward Cullen." He chuckled.

I frowned, not following him at all…"Come back and visit?"

"Why yes Mr. Cullen…didn't you realize…" Dr. Clearwater smiled brightly at me, "Not only have you managed to accomplish writing music again…you've managed to accomplish completing your entire therapy requirements. Today is your last session…"

...*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**BPOV**

"Didn't Alice look beautiful…I mean once we saw that dress in the boutique we knew it was the one for her. And the flowers…all those white roses…I imagine they cost a fortune…not to mention the wedding reception. The food…caterers…band…"

Edward wasn't listening to me; he shrugged of his tuxedo jacket and tossed it aimlessly over the back of the small loveseat in our hotel suite. "I'm just glad to be out of this thing…its torture. Jazz picked this one out on purpose…"

"But you look so handsome…" I walked over to the large floor mirror that seemed to be the crowning glory of the small room, it had this pretty gold frame around it, and I touched it lightly just to see if it was actually metal or not. Edward was leaning against the arm rest of the sofa, his legs crossed in front of him, his hands in his trouser pockets. He was looking at me through the refection of the glass, he smiled at me,

"I didn't look as _hot_ as you do." There was that crooked smile…one I knew all too well…

"I'll be the judge of that." I teased, tossing him a sly smile.

He grinned at me, pulling himself away from the sofa and walked up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and nuzzling his head into the back of my neck. I could feel his lips trailing small kisses along my skin, making my ears start tingling.

"Hmmm…" I leaned into him, enjoying his embrace.

"Baby…" he murmured into my ear, still placing soft kisses around my earlobe, "Can I make love to you?"

"Hmmm…Edward…you know I want to…but what about what I told you when we got here on Thursday…" I was already distracted; his hands had moved up from my waist and were caressing my breasts through the silky material of my strapless dress. It felt heavenly.

"What did you tell me…?" I know Edward wasn't paying attention because his words were monotonous; I was surprised he had even heard me at all. I could feel his hand slide up my back, searching for the zipper of the dress.

"I told you that I forgot…" My breath hitched as my dress hit the floor, his hands had now found their way under the lacy fabric of my panties.

"Forgot?" He was totally just repeating what I was saying…he wasn't processing any of my words, just repeating.

"My pill," I managed to get out just as his fingers plunged into me, I had to take another breath when he started moving inside of me, "Rem…remember, on Thursday…on the plane." I gasped again as his lips traveled down the back of my bare shoulder, he just hummed against me, "I forgot to bring…my birth control pills…I haven't taken…them….since Thursday…"

He was moving faster now and somehow, I didn't even notice when, he had lost his trousers, they were crumpled into a heap at our feet, I could see them through the mirror. I could also see the bulge in his briefs…it was rubbing against me in the worst way…

"It's only Saturday night…" He murmured, continuing to nip at my skin with his teeth and run his fingers in tiny circles up and down over me…inside of me…until that overwhelming sensation of having him took over me and I spun around, not caring anymore about the pill, or anything else, just of bringing his face down to mine and kissing him over and over…letting my hands pull down his briefs, running my fingers over the muscles in his thighs…of bring his body closer to mine until I could feel him enter me…of making love to my husband…right there…in front of that mirror…

That's the night I got pregnant with Charlie…

...*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**EPOV**

I didn't have to go back to Dr. Clearwater anymore. I stopped keeping track of my scheduled appointments probably two months ago, so I was surprised, and a little lost when our usual scheduled Monday afternoon appointed rolled around and I had nothing to do…

So that's why I came here…I already accomplished two major things in my life…writing songs again, and finishing my therapy…not to mention making progress with Bella and my son…so it gave me the courage to try this…and so far, it was working.

I put the black stone in the pocket of my jeans and kept heading toward that larger area…there were shorter trees there, and lots more flowers around.

As I got nearer I began to read…

Mr. Ernest Wright…

Jason Vogart…

Samuel Pierce…

I wondered about them along my way…if they were young or old…if anyone missed them. If they were someone's friend…father…_brother_…

Pretty soon all the names seemed to blend into one another and all the headstones looked just like the one next to it. I started to panic that I wouldn't be able to find him…that I wouldn't be able to find Emmett.

It was the sunlight, and the rays bouncing off of her hair that made me realize where Emmett was…no one could miss that perfect blonde hair. It looked like spun gold there amidst the colorful flowers and green grass.

She was sitting on the grass, a single flower in her hand, looking down at the ground. Not moving or saying anything. Maybe just thinking…remembering…

As I got closer, my movement must have caught her eye because she looked up then. Her eyes grew very wide and her mouth opened slightly.

I hesitated for a second, the thought of maybe she wanted to be alone entered my jumbled mind, but she literally jumped right up from the ground in some kind of like gymnastic fashion and flung her arms around me tightly.

"Edward!" She breathed into my ear… "Is it really you?"

"Hello Rose." I said.

...*****************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**BPOV**

Jake didn't come back, or if he did I didn't hear him because I fell asleep lying there in the hotel bed. Charlie woke me up with his cries a little past seven. I scooped him out of his crib soothing him quietly. I gave him a few goldfish crackers while I freshened up in the bathroom and then with him perched on my hip, we headed down the elevator to the lobby.

I remembered seeing a small café there in the corner of the lobby as we had walked in, maybe it would still be open and Charlie and I could get something to eat.

We had to pass this open bar area to get through to the lobby. I didn't give it a second thought until my eyes caught sight of Jake sitting there laughing rambunctiously with some other fellow I didn't recognize. I was slightly pissed that he was already entertaining clients, but I brushed it off quickly at the realization that I didn't really want to hang out with him tonight anyways.

It was odd though, Jake usually was much more reserved with his clients…maybe this was one of his old school friends instead. Edward mentioned once or twice that Jake and Em were pretty popular guys back in their school days, and had lots of friends.

The café was the perfect place for Charlie and me to relax and eat. No one seemed to mind that I had a small child with me; in fact I got quite a few warm glances from a few older couples who were eating next to me.

"Vanilla Ice cream with whipped topping for dessert." The waiter placed a glass container filled with the yummiest looking scoops of ice cream in front of us. Charlie started clapping.

I looked up startled, "I'm sorry, I didn't order any ice cream." I began, trying to stop Charlie from shoving his tiny fingers into the cold sweet treat.

"Compliments of the couple at the table over there…they said they've haven't seen such an adorable well behaved boy as yours in a long while." The waiter beamed at me and placed two silver spoons on the table.

"Oh." I really wasn't sure what to say, but was proud too, "Please tell them thank you very much."

"Most certainly. Enjoy your treat." He ruffled Charlie's hair slightly with a smile, Charlie didn't even look up, his eyes were still locked onto the ice cream in anticipation. He ate the whole thing within minutes, making me laugh out loud.

Full and happy we made our way back through the lobby to reach the elevators back to our room. We had to go through the bar area again, my eyes briefly searched out the place where Jake had been seated with his friend, but the chairs were empty now. Since it was getting late I didn't bother to knock on Jake's door to tell him we had eaten, I figured he would have to guess we had, given the late time. I simply passed his room and got Charlie and I ready for bed.

About five minutes after Charlie had fallen asleep my cell phone rang. _Oh sure, now he's going to check if we had eaten._ I thought to myself. But the thought quickly vanished when I realized that it was Edward on the line.

"Hello?"

"Hi Bella, its Edward."

"Hi." I was smiling…and bouncing on my bed a little…

"Just wanted to make sure you arrived safely. How's Charlie?" There was a happy pitch to Edward's tone. He sounded so warm and comfortable.

"We both made it just fine. Charlie had fun on the plane ride and ate a huge dinner complete with ice cream. He's out like a light now." I held the phone closer to my ear, pulling back the covers of the bed with one hand and snuggling in.

"Give him a kiss for me."

"I will."

"What time is your meeting tomorrow?" I could hear the faint sounds of what must be the TV in the background as Edward talked.

"I have to check in at nine. It will probably run until five or so. What about you? Any plans for tomorrow?" My head sunk into the pillows and I closed my eyes, concentrating on the sound of Edward's voice.

"I'm meeting with Mr. Faxon tomorrow; do you remember the group Coldplay? They are interested in recording my song…we're all going to meet, they want to hear it from me first." His voice rose excitedly, it was contagious and I'm sure my own excitement bubbled over…

"Really? That's so great! I do remember them, they were so nice, and totally great singers."

Edward chuckled, "Yeah. I also remember the drummer had a crush on you…"

I just laughed, "No he didn't!"

"Yes he did. He even wanted to take you out to eat, and he knew you were married."

"He was being nice…and it was _not _out to eat…he asked if I wanted to go with him to grab some burgers for you and the group since you all were_ still_ discussing your music at ten at night, and we_ missed_ dinner, everyone was starving…"

"He wouldn't have brought you back." Edward teased, "And I don't blame him one bit."

"Well, you didn't need to worry because there was only one man I wanted to be with…" Our conversation was flowing, easy and free, just like it once was…

"Do you still?" his voice lowered a bit.

"Do I still what?" I knew what he was asking; I just wanted to hear him say it.

"Do you still want to be with only _one_ man?" He didn't even hesitate…didn't stutter…he voice was bold and clear, and it sent a shiver through me.

"Yes…" I answered, hoping I was clear enough, "Yes I do."

He didn't ask me who…

...*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**EPOV**

I expected it to hurt. When Rose was hugging me so tight…I waited for that old familiar ache to fill my heart with pain.

"Edward! I'm so glad to see you. You look so good! So much better!" Rose was smiling at me, her eyes all watery, yet still sparkling. She released her bear hug but still clutched onto my arm.

"Come, sit down with me…" she pulled me down beside her.

Once I was feeling the soft grass beneath me, and looking at Rose's smiling face, I finally found my voice…and it surprised me.

"It's great to see you too Rose, how are you? You come here often?"

She nodded and started chatting…I completely missed the first part of her sentence because I was acutely aware that I was sitting next to my brother's grave…his name etched on his headstone in big letters, I kept waiting for the pain…for the terror…but it never came.

The breeze made the flowers around us sway slightly and jerked me back to attention and I focused on Rose's face and her words.

"…for a long time…in the beginning I would sit in my car in the parking lot, not getting down…I was afraid…" her voice didn't break, I could hear just a faint whisper of ache, but it was so faint…almost not really there.

I didn't say anything at first…I was really happy to sit in Rose's presence and hear her voice, listen to her talk. It made me feel close to Em again, and I liked that feeling.

She kept talking for about ten minutes…getting me up to date with her life. She sold the condo, the one she had shared with Em. She bought a house, Em would have been so proud of her… She moved up in her job and was now owned two of the busiest auto shops in the area. Talked a little about getting older…

Finally she leaned forward and grabbed my hand squeezing briefly… "Ok, your turn…how are you doing?"

I stayed quiet for a moment…not even sure where to start. She waited patiently, and when I looked up into her eyes and saw all the affection, the same affection I used to see in Em's eyes…I had to tell her…

"It was my fault Rose…" I said…

...********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**BPOV**

Five o'clock finally…I was anxious to get back to my room and see Charlie. I wanted to call Edward too, to tell him about my promotion. I just heard from my boss at the conference that I was being made senior manager for our branch. The entire conference room burst into applause, making me blush as I thanked him. It was the position I had been waiting for since I started.

It really felt like Jake couldn't get out of the room fast enough. He almost bumped into me in his hurry to get past me.

"Charlie was a complete angel…no problems at all…he ate…we played…watched a little TV…I thought about the pool but decided against it."

He grabbed his briefcase and jacket from the lounge chair and headed for the door. "I'll be in my room…going to do some work tonight…business…a client is coming over…probably be a late night."

I barely had time to nod before he was out the door. I started thinking that maybe he was pissed at me for letting Edward back into our lives…I think I needed to sit down with him later and have a little talk. He needed to know the truth anyways…about my feelings, and my future.

I sat on the carpet with Charlie for a while; he pulled all his wooden blocks out of his bucket, so we concentrated on building a tower…and then knocking it down. We pretty much killed about an hour doing this. I watched my son pick up each block carefully, inspecting it before placing it on top of the first one. He did this in such a serious fashion, he looked so much like Edward when Edward was writing his songs, hunched over his desk, his eyes focused, his lips pressed together in concentration.

My mind wandered to what Edward told me about over the phone, and I got excited for him all over again. The music company liked his song…they were going to record it…my husband's songs were going to be all over the radio again, and I couldn't wait. I was just as proud of him as I always was…as I always would be…

I glanced at the clock, it was getting closer to six, I wondered what time Edward would call tonight? I wondered if he would mind if I called him first.

There was only one way to find out.

He answered on the second ring.

"Bella?"

"How did you know it was me?" I teased.

"Ummmm…Caller ID?" I could hear the smile in his voice and I chuckled. "How are you doing tonight?" I stretched out on the carpet on my stomach and watched Charlie play with his blocks as I talked to his father.

"Pretty good. How are you? How did the conference go?"

"Well, guess what." I really wanted to share my promotion with him, but more than that, I wanted him to be proud of me, he never was really keen on me going back to work.

"What? Tell me."

"I got a promotion." I beamed into the phone.

"Really?" He voice held happiness, I was pretty sure I could hear it, "A promotion! That's so great Bella."

"Thank you…you are now talking to the senior manager of my office." I bragged.

"Wow! Senior manager. Congratulations baby…I'm proud of you…" My stomach started doing little flip flops just then, and I squeezed the phone tighter, trying to contain my nervous laughter.

"Thank you…_again_." I really tried, but a small jittery laugh escaped my lips.

Edward chuckled at the sound but then his voice got very serious. "I really am proud of you Bella. You are the strongest person I know."

My heart leaped to my throat at that moment so I couldn't say anything, but Edward didn't seem to mind, he kept on talking.

"You've been through so much, yet you've managed to raise our son, and excel in your job as well. I thank God every day that he blessed my son and me too, with a woman like you…"

"I had a little help." I managed to stutter…"No, a lot of help…"

"But none from me…" his voice didn't sound sad, just sort of wishful.

"You can still help me." I half whispered, still clutching the phone tightly to my ear.

"I want to…will you let me?"

And right there…lying on the hotel room carpet…watching my son play with his blocks…my heart overwhelming with emotion…I let the man that I loved back into my life…

"Yes…" My voice was firm.

...************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**EPOV**

"Your fault? What?" Rose cocked her head to the side in confusion.

"The accident…Em…it was…it was my fault." I wanted to look down, away from her eyes as I said this, but something didn't let me, maybe it was the way her gaze held onto mine.

She let out a soft breath and whispered, "Oh Eddie…no…"

I knew she would try to comfort me, to convince me that I was wrong, but right now I knew it was time to let her know…even if she would hate me afterwards…

"He wanted to leave…he wanted to go to you. The rehearsal dinner…we were already late, but I made him stay. You see…he was going to…he was going to…uh…at your wedding…" I was trying, really trying but the words were so hard to say.

Rose shut her eyes just for a second and placed her hand gently on my knee. "He was going to_ play_. At our wedding, the piano. Right Edward? Emmett was going to play a song…to me…during the ceremony. Yes, I know all about it."

Her voice was much more emotional now, but still, she kept going.

"I know it was supposed to be a surprise. But you know me Edward, you can't keep anything from me…and Em sure as hell couldn't. I knew from the first day you two started practicing. I caught Em singing in the shower…some mushy love song," she giggled, looking up at the sky, remembering… "I confronted him…he confessed…and pulled me into the shower with him…clothes and all…"

I had to smile at that.

"He made me promise not to let you know that I knew about it…he didn't want to let you down. So I knew what you two were doing before the rehearsal dinner. In fact I had called him that night to tell him not to worry, to take his time, we would wait for you guys. Told him I loved him and I couldn't wait to marry him…" her voice trailed off…

I sat there stunned. Hearing what she was saying, but not believing my ears at the same time.

"_I_…it was _me_…who gave him permission to stay." Her eyes pierced into mine, "So you see Eddie, it wasn't your fault. I didn't realize you thought it was your fault…"

"No…" I cut her off then, "He stayed for me…I made him stay…"

She laughed then, her hair falling over her shoulders, "Edward…listen to me…you were Em's whole world…he would do anything for you…he loved you more than me, your parents…all of us combined, he loved you more…but he was also stubborn…stubborn as a mule, and if something…some little thought got into his head, there wasn't anyone in this world who could change his mind. Just think about it…try and remember…you knew Em just as well as I did…when did he ever listen to anyone but himself?"

I just kept staring at her motionless, knowing that what she said was true…every single word.

"And I know what it's like to carry the guilt around…to let it consume you…and the fear, that you won't be able to make it another day…It almost destroyed you Eddie…didn't it?" Her eyes washed over me full of concern... "I was so worried…"

I frowned at her then, more confused than anything else. "Worried?"

"You started drinking…didn't you? And it got out of control. I know…I saw it…I was there..." Her eyes wouldn't waver from my face as she spoke.

In my emotional confused state I think I uttered a few nonsense syllables to her, she gave me a wan smile.

"We were both swallowed up in our own grief and guilt back then…but I was there in that bar at night…watching you…making sure you were still alive. You never saw me…after you would leave I would go talk to the bartender about you…try and find out how you really were. It wasn't easy to see…I was there when Bella would go to you…I know she was hurting…I saw you push her away…I know about the women that fell all over you there, I chased most of them off, even threatened a few of them…I know you missed your brother…"

"I…I didn't know…I never saw you."

"I didn't want you to see me…I was still deeply in pain myself…but I owed it to Em…to make sure his little brother was ok. To make sure no one took advantage of him." She plucked a few strands of grass from beneath her knee as she talked, clutching them tightly in her fist.

"And then you stopped coming…and I figured you were finally getting well…getting your life back…so I stopped going…and…and started making an effort to pull my own life together as well."

"You did all that? For me?" I'm pretty sure I was whispering my words…I don't know how I found my voice.

"Yes for you…for Em…for me too." I could see it again in her eyes…a bit of happiness, and relief.

"Thank you Rose…" There really weren't words to thank her…she made me see so much…much of what I didn't see before.

"You are welcome Edward…now…" she sat up straight again and smiled, "Tell me…how are _you_?"

...*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**BPOV**

"You're late, what happened?" Jake was clearly annoyed with me. He didn't even let me pass through the door to see Charlie.

"I'm sorry, there were a few questions during the conference that needed to be addressed, and we ran a bit late."

"Well now_ I'm_ going to be late."

Okay I had just enough of Jake and his attitude. "I said I was sorry. What's gotten into you lately? I think we need to have a talk."

"I don't have time for a talk. I'm supposed to be downstairs in five minutes and I haven't even changed clothes yet. Charlie spilled some chocolate milk on me during our snack so I need to change shirts at least."

"I'm sure Charlie didn't do it on purpose." I wanted him to hear the annoyance in my voice. He didn't seem to pick up on it though.

"I know he didn't…" Jake stressed, "But I still look like a mess, so I have to go…I'll see you in the morning. The plane leaves at three, right?"

"Yes…tomorrow is the last day…our conference wraps up by eleven." I pushed my way past him and headed over to Charlie. He was engrossed in one of his Lego sets, the large colorful squares were scattered all around him.

"Okay…Have a good night." And with that he was gone.

I frowned to myself…something weird was going on and I couldn't put my finger on it.

"How was your day sweetie?" I leaned over and gave Charlie a quick squeeze. He rested his head against my chest for a second but then quickly picked up another Lego. I chuckled, "Okay baby, you can keep playing. Let me just change my shoes and we'll go down and get some dinner…you hungry?"

Charlie didn't answer…he was too engrossed in his work.

"Just like your father…" I whispered, smiling to myself.

We didn't leave the room until about forty minutes later. Charlie was starting to get fussy on me and I knew I needed to get him fed and ready for bed soon. Trying to distract him by pointing out all the paintings on the walls along the hallway, I made a beeline for the café, hoping it wasn't too busy with the dinner rush.

We once again passed the open bar to get to the café; the bar was full of people, most likely having a few drinks before dinner.

What I saw made me stop right in my tracks. I could feel my arms tighten around Charlie in disbelief. He squirmed uncomfortably in my grip. I blinked a few times, trying to be sure I was seeing what was in front of me…but no…there it was…it was real.

On the bar stool was Jake, just like I saw him the other night. Next to him was a man, I think it was the same man he was with the first night we got here, the one who I thought was his client. I would probably still think it was his client except for one thing. Jake's hand was closed over the other man's hand, not in a friendly gesture or even a sympathetic gesture, but clearly in a romantic gesture. Their fingers were entwined with one another and the man was leaning into Jake with a flirtatious smile. Jake was responding in kind, his own dimples showing as he laughed at what the man was saying.

I wanted to scratch my head, what the hell was this? I thought the hand holding was bad enough but just then the man leaned even closer and kissed Jake on the mouth…I mean right on the mouth. My own mouth dropped open at that, and I'm sure a gasp escaped me.

My brain kept telling me Jake should punch the guy in the face for doing such a thing, but instead, Jake's head tilted to the side and he kissed the man back with gusto.

I turned my head away from the sight quickly. I really didn't need to see that. Eww…

Now don't get me wrong. I wasn't jealous or anything, in fact, it began to make some sense, Jake's behavior…the way he kept brushing me off…his hurry. Even back at home…his so called phone calls to clients in the middle of our dinners, his platonic kisses on the cheek. It puzzled me why he even spent any time with me and Charlie at all? This definitely was a mystery to me.

Not wanting to see anymore, I quickly kept walking to the café. Charlie and I ate in relative silence as he was tired and I was deep in thought about what I had seen. I tossed it round and round in my mind, going back, trying to figure out if there had been any signs that I missed.

It totally boggled my mind and was still occupying my thoughts after Charlie and I got back to our room. Charlie fell asleep in record time, so I was left in the quiet, dark room, still wondering if I should tell Jake what I saw. When my phone began buzzing next to me it took me by surprise. It was already after nine, the time had flown right by.

"Hi Edward." I didn't want to sound completely out of it so I tried to lighten my voice as much as I could.

"Hi Bella. How is your evening going? Is Charlie still awake?" Edward sounded so happy; his voice was just so silky and smooth. It made me really smile to hear him that way.

"Charlie's asleep. He had such a busy day that he knocked right out after we came up to our room when dinner was through."

"Oh, I'm sorry I missed him. But he's doing okay? And you? Are you doing okay too?"

"We're both fine. I am actually getting a bit homesick." I honestly replied, after today's events I really wanted to get back home now.

"Homesick? Does that mean you miss me?" He was flirting again…I could hear it in his tone and it made me giggle.

"I completely miss you." I wanted to play along with him…flirt back, but then I wondered what would he say if I was just straightforward?

"Hmm? Really?" I guess my words took him by surprise.

"Yes, really. I want to go home now. I think Charlie wants to go home too. Both of us can't wait to see you."

Edward chuckled, "You just made my night…you know that, right?"

I laughed with him, feeling myself relax a little bit, "I'm glad…" and suddenly I was that young sexy Bella again, "But you know…I want to do_ more_ than make your night…right?"

Edward coughed loudly, making this half snort half choking sound, I laughed again.

"Bella…Bella…if that's true…I wish you were home now." His tone got a little husky; I hoped my words had some kind of effect on him.

"I wish I was home now…in my own bed. But you know what I wish for more…" I was taking a gamble here, because once I said this, there was no turning back. But I was ready, and I truly believed so was Edward.

"What? What do you wish for more?" He lowered his voice even more…it was beginning to turn me on.

"I wish you would come home too…I wish you were in my bed, _our bed_, with me…" I let the words hang there, giving him a second to process them.

He made some sort of gurgling sound, which made me crack a smile, "Baby, if you keep that up…there's no way I can sleep tonight."

"Maybe I want you to stay awake…" I teased, "Maybe I want you to think of me, all night long…"

"I already do that."

And I could feel the butterflies start fluttering in my stomach.

"Bella? Are you still there?"

"I'm here." I whispered.

"Can I pick you up at the airport tomorrow? You and Charlie?"

"Yes. I would like that, Edward." The butterflies turned to anticipation.

"So…tomorrow?" He asked.

"Tomorrow."

Edward was right about one thing…only on my part…I stayed up nearly all night…in the dark…thinking of him. Our lives were going to change again, and I couldn't wait to start…

...*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**EPOV**

She was flirting with me. God, I hope she knew what she was doing to me…over the phone, no less. I even confessed to her that there would be no sleeping for me tonight…and I was right. I wandered through the apartment looking for something imaginary to do…flipped aimlessly through the television channels…stared at the wall, it was all for naught. She was the only thing on my mind…that and her words,

"I want you in my, _in our,_ bed with me…"

I was driving me crazy…I wanted her so bad. I wanted to feel her mouth on mine again, feel her skin rub against me, feel her touch me…

I threw myself on my bed once again and tried to close my eyes. She told me I could pick her up from the airport even when we both knew that Jake would be there with her. It was time I told Jake he needed to back off…and I guess I would have to do it in a considerate, gentlemanly manner. I really wanted to tell him to just fuck off…

The hours moved by slowly, and still I lay there, in the dark…staring at the ceiling. Even though I couldn't wait to share a bed with Bella again, I really wanted to tell her about my conversation with Rose. Tell her that I visited my brother's grave and it didn't make me want to drink. Tell her that the last person on earth, who should forgive me for my brother's death, forgave me…and wondrously…that set me free…

...**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**BPOV**

I didn't say anything to Jake that morning…there wasn't really time for that, but once I had returned and was all packed up ready to go, I decided I better let him know what I saw.

"All of Charlie's things are right here." Jake was standing in the center of my room, surrounded both of my suitcases. He was all packed up and didn't look too excited about going back home.

"I almost forgot his stuffed bunny." I grabbed it from the top of the bed and tossed it across the room to him.

"Thanks, I put it in the carry on. Is that the last of it?"

"Yeah, that's it."

"Okay, we have an hour to kill…wanna grab some lunch?" Jake zipped up the carry on after stuffing the bunny in it.

"I'd rather not, Charlie is napping and I'd hate to wake him, he'll be fussy on the plane if I do." I made my way over to the small sofa and sat down, "Can I talk to you for a minute instead?"

"Sure, what about?" Jake didn't know what he was about to be hit with, and he casually made his way over next to me.

"Um…this is kind of hard to say…" I squeezed the sofa cushions tightly for courage, "And kind of embarrassing."

"What? What's wrong? Is this about Edward?"

Jake saying Edward's name took me by surprise, but once the shock of it wore off I used that as a starting point.

"Well, a little bit. You see, Edward's come a long way from who he used to be…" I began.

"Yeah well, you should still be careful…once a drunk, always a drunk…" Jake looked annoyed again, and the tone of his voice irked me.

"I think he's very aware of who he is now…and what his limits are. He lost his brother…that was hard for everyone."

"He's not the only one who suffered a loss…we all did…" Clearly Jake was not going to be sympathetic.

"You're right…but he is still my husband, and the father of my child. He's trying very hard…he deserves some credit for that. He wants to be with his son."

"He wants you…" Jake cut in bluntly, "I know he loves Charlie…we all love Charlie…but Edward, he's doing all this because he wants you. And he's made it damn clear to everyone what he wants."

"Maybe so." I didn't want to keep talking about Edward, "But at least he is finally being _honest _about what he wants…how about you Jake? Are you being honest?"

Jake's eyes widen immediately at my words. "I…uh…what are you talking about?" he stuttered.

"Honesty." I decided not to beat around the bush any longer. "Be honest Jake, what are you doing here? What were you doing last night? I don't think you were with a client."

At first Jake tried to brush me off, "I don't know what you're talking about." He waved his hand in the air, but when he realized I wasn't wavering, he began to look sheepish, "What do you mean?"

"I saw you." I tilted my head to the side and lowered my voice a bit, not to sound so accusing. "Last night at the bar, I saw you."

Jake's face fell and his mouth opened. "Wha…"

"I wasn't spying on you, I took Charlie down to the café, I saw you at the bar area. You were holding hands, with a_ man_."

He started fiddling with the end of his shirt then… "Uh…oh that…uh…"

"It's okay." I reassured him, "There's nothing wrong with that. If it's who you are…"

He gave out this little sigh at my words, and then suddenly, I was hearing the whole story…

"He's not a client…He's what you think he is…I've been seeing him for a while…his name is Jared." As Jake went on, he seemed to become more comfortable with what he was saying. "I was always this way…since I can remember…I never told anyone and tried to convince myself that I wasn't…uh…gay."

I kept silent…nodding my head, showing him I wasn't going to judge him.

"So I thought if I pretended I was straight…dated a lot of girls in high school…hang out with the jocks…it would change me. I didn't tell anyone in high school, not even Emmett. Even after I got my degree, I kept dating women…didn't want my company, or my clients, to find out the truth. I was afraid I would lose my job. I'm sorry Bella…" He sighed again, "I didn't mean to hurt you…or lead you on…I honestly care about you and Charlie…but I'm not…not…_into _you _that _way…"

Forgive me, but I wanted to giggle at the man. I bit my lip to keep from smiling. I didn't want him to know just how glad I was that he wasn't _into _me_ that_ way…

"I did feel like I owed it to Em to look out for you when Edward went awol…and my company really liked the idea that I was a family man…girlfriend…kid…house…and all…but I swear I didn't want to hurt you Bella. I hope Edward really is getting his shit together…for your sake."

"It's okay Jake…" I patted his hand and stood up from the sofa, I really didn't need to hear any more. "I completely understand. I don't hold anything against you…I just have some advice for you. You shouldn't hide who you are. You should always be proud of who you are. If there was only one thing that Emmett left behind in this world for Edward, you, me, and Rose…it's always be proud of who you are…and it's time we all start living up to what he expected of us…"

...**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**EPOV**

"She said what?" Jazz was completely engrossed in what I was telling him, his expression one of chagrin.

"That she wanted me home…to go back home." I couldn't help but brag a little bit about that.

"Whoo…" Jazz looked like he wanted to start clapping, "It's about fucking time."

"I'm going to pick her up at the airport later…I still need to get it through to Black that I'm going to be in his face from now on…"

Jazz's grin got wider, "You're really worried about him, aren't ya?"

"Well hell man, he's practically living there…"

Jazz snorted, "Yeah…I know. But Eddie, don't sweat it too much, I have no doubt Bella still loves you. Black isn't the threat you think he is…"

I frowned at him, "What the hell are you talking about…you know something I don't? Is Black getting a little side action? If he's cheating on Bella, I'll kick his ass…"

This caused Jazz to completely roar with laughter…he even threw his head back because he was laughing so hard.

"A little side action…" He gasped, "Oh man Eddie, that's hilarious!"

"Fuck …stop fucking with me Jazz…" I glared at him.

"Okay…okay…" Jazz took these quick little breaths, wiping a few tears from his eyes, "I'll stop…I'll stop…just don't worry about Black…besides, its Bella's choice, not his…"

…

The airport wasn't crowded when I arrived. There were less than fifteen minutes until Bella's plane arrived and I was anxious to see her and Charlie too.

A few people lingered around the terminal; I guess they were waiting for their loved ones also. Finally I could see the stewardess' unblocking the tunnel and a few people began shuffling through. I didn't see Bella yet.

I kept trying to think of what I was going to say when I saw her, I wanted to be sweet and funny, and that was hell hard for me.

I shouldn't have worried.

The second I saw her smile at me, I just walked right up to her and gathered her up into my arms in a big bear hug. She was holding Charlie and both of them began giggling as I squeezed them close.

I didn't see Black at all, nor did I give a fuck.

"Hey baby…How are you?" I pulled her against me once again.

She didn't answer me, instead she giggled again and turned her face up to mine…those pretty brown eyes just sparkling like jewels, and then with her free hand she reached up and wrapped it around my neck, pulling me down to her, and kissing me.

And it felt…

Like I was home…

...**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**Hope I made you smile a little bit... :) See you at the next chapter...**

**_One I Love_...**

**Later, MBella  
**


	18. One I Love

**Hi! *Waves Hi* Wishing you all a happy Summer! Hope this chap makes you smile and smile! :)**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I do not.**

**Enjoy!**

**...*********************************************************************************************************************  
**

**EPOV**

There was so much energy flowing between us I think Charlie was feeling a bit electrocuted.

It wasn't even lunch yet, but he ran around the living room in circles before Bella bribed him to settle down with small slices of orange and tiny teddy bear shaped graham crackers.

Charlie ate these with gusto, shoving his small fists into his mouth, crumbs falling from his lips as he laughed at us.

Finally, his running slowed down, and his eyes grew droopy. When he passed in front of me for what felt like the hundredth time, his little knees wobbled and he stretched out his hand, holding onto my knee for balance.

Bella gave me a warm smile and a knowing look that told me she was expecting him to knock out any second now.

Of course she was right, Charlie wobbled past her and she scooped him up in her arms whispering softly to him. He didn't protest, just let out this tired yawn and rested his head on her shoulder.

Bella half giggled when her eyes met mine and then she began humming softly, helping his sweet dreams along.

I watched her in amazed silence, my nervousness and anxiety vanishing as I heard her voice, and the way she carried our son. There was no doubt in my mind that this woman was my entire life and in order to keep her I would spend the rest of my days trying to do what was right by her.

"I think he's ready for his bed." She half whispered, rising from the sofa.

"Do you want any help?" I half rose, ready to take Charlie from her arms if she wanted me too.

"No, that's okay. But could you please get me a glass of water, my throats really dry."

I gave her a smile and quick nod before making my way over to the kitchen. I peered into the cupboards looking for a glass when I heard a few crackling noises. I immediately turned toward the window to see if anyone was there. It was dark and empty, yet I stared for a minute, straining my ears to hear.

Nothing…

So I turned back to the glasses once again. Before I could even reach for the glass, I heard it again, but this time I didn't have a chance to react.

"Sweet dreams baby boy…Mama loves you…"

I froze…,my heart jumping to my throat…I was mesmerized…in awe…confusion…

Because it was Bella…her voice…

"I'll be right outside in the living room…talking to Daddy…I hope…hope…you'll see him in the morning…"

Her voice faded away.

I spun around the kitchen like a madman, the glass forgotten. Where was her voice coming from? My eyes roamed the counters, the pretty empty vase, the toaster, the salt and pepper shaker…

Finally I saw it…it cackled again, and I walked over near the sink and scooped up the small white receiver turning it over in my hands. This was Charlie's baby monitor…what Bella carried everywhere with her when Charlie was sleeping.

I stared down at it for a few seconds more, trying to get my heart rate back in check. Her voice sounded so loving, so full of emotion. My hand shook as I tried to put the receiver down on the counter so she wouldn't catch me with it, listening to her. But I was too late, when I turned around she was standing right there…her eyes riveted to the receiver, a small smile on her face.

"You caught me huh?"

I just stared at her, not answering, her tone of voice confused me, she sounded almost amused that I had heard her.

"It's good for more than just listening to Charlie sleep." She half giggled.

I just blinked at her, which made her laugh, more to herself than anything, but then her eyes found mine again and something flickered in them.

"I have a confession to make." Her voice wavered just a tiny bit. I think I just gave her a confused nod.

"You wouldn't believe how many times I spied…_listened_…to you on that thing." She leaned against the counter, shoving her hands into her jean pockets.

"Wha…what? Spied? What?" I cocked my head to the side, more in confusion than anything else. What the hell was she talking about.

She half laughed, half sighed, "Oh Edward, you are too cute sometimes. Think about it…how many times did you put Charlie to sleep? How many times did you whisper to him goodnight? _To sing to him_?"

My heart jumped again, but this time I knew exactly what she was talking about. She had heard me…she had listened to everything I said to Charlie…through that receiver…the same way I heard just now. It rattled me…threw me off guard…

"Uh…wha…Uh…" I was trying to find the words, the right words that would explain everything…

"Don't worry…none of it was bad…in fact, I wish I could've heard more…" she just smiled again at me. It was making my head spin.

"I uh…I…" I kept stuttering…thinking I needed to explain my way out of this. She moved just then, shifted a little bit, her hair slid around her shoulder falling softly against her arm.

I finally took a breath and looked straight into her eyes..finally looked at what she was trying to tell me…It was almost as if a lightbulb went off in my head that moment…as if someone, somewhere, told me exactly what to say "I meant every word…"

She just kept looking at me, her beautiful smile returning to her face.

"Everything I said…_sang_…to Charlie, I meant it." I didn't let my eyes leave hers, "Everything I promised him…and you…in that room, I meant it…"

I could see her hands tightening into themselves through her jeans…she was holding her breath…she always did that when she held her breath.

"And I hope that I'll still be here in the morning to see Charlie…that is, if his mother lets me _stay_…"

...********************************************************************************************************************************************

**BPOV**

My hands were shaking as I reached for the door. I was only here because Alice insisted I come. I didn't know how this was going to help me but right now I was at the end of my rope and I needed all the help I could get.

I didn't know what to expect when I walked into the office. I always thought these kinds of doctors were emotionless and very serious, so I was completely caught off guard when a smiley face gentleman with warm eyes gestured me in.

"It is very nice to meet you Mrs. Cullen, my name is Dr. Clearwater. Won't you please have a seat."

And even though I never imagined myself talking to a physiatrist about my problems…telling a perfect stranger that my husband had left me and gone on to become an alcoholic…that my world had fallen apart and I had nowhere left to turn…I still made myself tell him…tell him everything…

And he listened…quietly…patiently…his eyes never left my face. He didn't have much to say the first couple of times I visited him…but the more I went, the more I opened up to him, the more this little light in his eyes would shine. It always felt like he had the answers before I even asked the questions…

"I can hear it in his voice…it sounds like longing…like he's asking for forgiveness, but I know that just can't be it…"

"Why not, Mrs. Cullen? Why can't your husband be asking you to forgive him?"

"Because that's not like Edward…not like him at all…he's never talked about his feelings…or things like that…just like when Emmett died…he just shuts down. Shuts people out…"

"Sometimes, before people can change, they need to hit the bottom, so they can make their way up…perhaps that is what happened to your husband…maybe he hit the bottom and now needs your help to make his way back up. Are you willing to help him? Willing to forgive him?"

I just kept looking at this man, how did he always know the right thing to say? "I just wish he would've come to me for help sooner…It's so hard now…"

"Mrs. Cullen, there's always going to be things in the past that we can't change, things that the ones we love did in the past and can't change. Perhaps we wish we had, or they had, but what we _all_ can change is the _Now_…_the present_…and I can't think of a better thing for you to do than talk to your husband. Listen to him…try and hear what he is saying…what he is_ trying_ to say…if it has never been easy for him to share his feelings with you in the past than it must be a hundred times harder now…_in the present."_

...*********************************************************************************************************************************************

**EPOV**

She just kept looking at me…like she was waiting for me to say something else. I wanted to say more, but that look in her eyes made me at loss for words, so I said the first thing that popped into my mind. Don't ask me why I thought of Emmett, I just did…

"I went to the cemetery…while you were gone. I went to see Em…"

That statement made Bella freeze. A sudden worry washed over her face, and her breath seemed to leave her.

"While I was there I saw Rose too."

"Rose?" Now Bella looked extremely concerned, "How was she? How is Rose?"

"She's good." I quickly answered, "She looked good."

"What…what happened? Are you okay?" Bella took a half step towards me but then stopped as if she decided against it.

"I told Rose something…something that I had been carrying around with me all these years…something that I want to tell you right now…"

...**********************************************************************************************************************************************

**BPOV**

It took me a couple of seconds to process what Edward was telling me. I was just about to fling myself into his arms and drag him into our bedroom, but there was an uneasiness to his manner, something was holding him back. I tried to remember everything the Dr. Clearwater had taught me…how not to push too hard, and to always be honest, with Edward and with myself.

"Rose?" My mind started spinning; we hadn't heard more than a few words from Rose since Emmett died. She called me maybe twice but I had brushed her off, avoided talking to her. Edward had just moved out of the house then and I was in a frantic state. The last thing I needed was to talk to Rose.

I was really afraid now, that seeing Rose now would send Edward spiraling back into time, back into despair.

"How was she? How is Rose?" What I really wanted to say was _What were you doing over there? What did you do when you saw Rose? What did you guys talk about? _Only I stayed silent, it looked like Edward was struggling to tell me something; he sort of took a deep breath and gripped the edge of the counter. His eyes never left mine though.

I could see it was hard for him to talk, to tell me that he was even at the cemetery, I was just about to walk up to him, tell him it was okay, he didn't have to say anything, when his words stopped me in my tracks.

"I told Rose something…something that I had been carrying around with me all these years…something that I want to tell you right now…"

And then he was talking to me…really talking to me, not skirting around the issue, not pausing or hesitating…he was telling me everything…

"The night before Emmett was going to get married…the night he died…everyone thought I was just late picking him up for the rehearsal dinner, but really we were hiding a secret, or at least I thought we were. I persuaded Em to play a song and sing to Rose as a surprise for their wedding day. We had been practicing it for about two weeks, he really already knew it, but I made him stay late that night, and run through it again."

His voice was hypnotizing, completely making me immobile. All I could do was listen to him…really really listen to him…

"And he stayed, for me, he stayed. We left late, both of us driving too fast, trying to make back to his place so that Rose wouldn't be pissed, so you wouldn't be pissed. Em didn't do anything wrong…he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. That guy, the one who…killed Em. He ran a red light, Em didn't even notice. But I _knew_…if I had just let us leave a little bit earlier…even just a few minutes earlier…none of this would have happened."

I could see it in his eyes…all that guilt he had been carrying around all this time…everything he had been keeping bottled up inside of him…it was all coming out…

"It was all my fault…the accident…everyone's heartache…Rose's grief…all my fault."

"Oh baby…baby, no…" The words just came out…I didn't even realize I had said them until I saw Edward blinking back what looked like tears, but he didn't let me say anything else, he kept on talking…

"I felt like I had disappointed everyone, especially myself. I didn't deserve to live Bella..Em died, but it should have been_ me_…"

My heart was literally screaming out in pain…how I wanted to rescue this man, take him away from all the heartache and terror that he must be living with.

"The bars…the liquor…they were just a way to escape, at first to just escape the pain. I couldn't handle that pain, it was so unbearable, it was eating me alive. But even though those first few drinks would make everything dull, it never went away completely. I would always get sober again…and then the disgust would set in. I hated myself Bella…what I had become…what I still was…everything I had ruined. I hated myself…sometimes I still do…"

His voice dropped away then, but he was still looking at me…waiting…

I knew nothing there was nothing in this world that I could say that would make this all better for him. I realized that then…the reason why he had to take this journey alone…just like Dr. Clearwater said, he had to hit bottom before he could make his way back up.

But he was here now…standing in front me, sharing with me all the things he never could before.

So I did what came natural to me, what I had wanted to do all along. I just walked up to him without saying anything and wrapped my arms around him, holding him close. Hoping he could_ feel_ everything that I was feeling…

...********************************************************************************************************************************************

**JPOV**

My day had just been royally screwed. I fucking knew my Chemistry professor hated my guts, he was purposely trying to bust my balls in his class, and he was trying to do it just weeks before graduation, and right now there was nothing I could do about it, besides complain.

I yanked harder on my backpack, pulling it over my shoulder as I made my way across campus. I hated these night classes, I had just enough time to make it to the parking garage, grab my ride and head over that fucking music club Eddie like to hang out at so much. Nah, I tease…I liked it there too, it was called Crossroads, not everyone on campus knew about it, so it was the perfect hangout for us. Besides, it was always pretty dark in there and I so fucking loved sitting next to Alice in the dark, she usually let my hands roam wherever they wanted.

And my man Eddie, he was really fucking good on the piano. The club manager would let him play all night if Eddie wanted too. The crowd always would sit there like a bunch of zombies when he played, completely entranced with his music. It would always make me laugh like shit when he pulled out his guitar, because if these people were hypnotized by his piano skills then they were really going to be blown away by his mad guitar sounds.

The smell of gas and exhaust made me wrinkle my nose as I headed to my car. I hated the fucking parking garage and usually parked on the side street a couple of blocks from campus. But I was running late for Chem and didn't have time to round the block so I just zipped into the garage as fast as I could. The first level had been completely filled, so like a maniac I sped up the ramp to the next one. I was lucky, there were only a couple of spaces left on the second level, they were at the far end of the lot, I had to sprint over to the stairs but I didn't give a fuck anymore.

My mind was still half engrossed between how I was going to pass Chem and what I was going to tell Eddie when I reached Crossroads, I didn't really pay attention to the light blue Mercedes that was parked a few cars away from mine.

I didn't pay attention to it until I heard the grunt coming from it. The car rocked slightly as I turned my head towards the sound. It was fairly dark around me so I didn't want to just stop and stare…so I kept walking by, slowing down a little bit so I could keep listening, chuckling to myself at the lucky bastard who seemed to getting a little action tonight.

The second grunt was louder, and that one made me stop. Damn! That dude must be really into it…Then there was that long ass deep moan. Hell, this was better than Crossroads, Eddie would understand if I was late…

I didn't want to get to close so that the occupants could see me but I edged just a little bit over towards the back bumper trying to get a peek through the back window. It was all fogged up, so I could only make out the shadows of the occupants. My eyes roamed to the back of the car. It was a newer Mercedes, maybe only a couple of years old. Ugly color though, to girly for me.

I paused slightly, hey, didn't Jake have a car just like this one? What the hell was he doing here? He graduated a few years before us; he was just here to fuck college girls, go figure.

I was too busy figuring out whose car this was; there was no fucking time to duck into my car when the driver's door opened.

Jake got out first; he looked smug as a Cheshire cat, pulling up the zipper on his perfectly pleated kakis. His face fell to hell though when he saw me standing there.

"Jas…what are you doing here?"

I just grinned at him, a knowing grin. "Missing your college days huh buddy?" I joked trying to catch a peek at what poor girl he had just banged.

"I had an appointment…" he stuttered, "With my intern…we were just going over some things…"

"How are your things? Tired?" I started laughing then, Jake didn't even smile, fuck this guy was such a tight ass.

"Get out of here Jasper." He looked annoyed at first but then his anger turned to complete fear when this puny little skinny dude slid over from the passenger seat to the driver's side and got out behind Jake.

I know my mouth dropped open…I could feel it, hell bugs could have flown into it and I wouldn't have been able to close it.

"Get back in the car!" Jake tried to push the little guy back inside in a panic, but fuck it was too late and we both knew it.

My mind started racing then…putting two and two together…fuck it all made sense now…this over achieving, fancy dressing, trying too hard to be a ladies man in high school tight ass…

"Hah…" I wanted to laugh, in my head I was laughing hysterically, but my body was still in shock so the only sound that came out of it was "Hah."

Jake finally just sighed and turned around to face me, this look of defeat on his face. He let the little guy move around him and stand next to him.

"Mr. Black, I have to get back to my dorm. I'll see you tomorrow after lab."

The little guy looked pretty worried, his eyes shot from me to Jake and then back to me…he was trying to figure out who I was.

Fuck, he better not be thinking I was another boyfriend or something.

The thought of this was the push I needed to close my fucking mouth and actually _say _something.

"Mr. Black?" That's what came out of my mouth. Fuck, that didn't sound right…I tried again… "This is your intern?" Okay, a little better…

Jake managed to narrow his eyes at me and then turn to the guy, "Caesar, I'll see you tomorrow…Don't worry about anything. We'll go over the labs after your class. I know most of the professors so that should give you an edge for finals next week."

This Caesar dude looked really happy to be leaving; he grabbed his backpack out of Jake's car and walked away, fumbling with his belt as he left.

Jake watched him walk away for a second then turned back to me. "Okay Whitlock…say what you gotta say…"

"Hell Black…what's there to say? You into interns? _Male _interns? What gives?"

"That's none of your business." Jake tried to brush me off.

"Like shit it isn't…" I retorted, "Who knows about this? Does Eddie know? Em?"

"No!" Jake was pissed now, "They don't know…and they _won't_ know…ever."

"Oh, they'll know alright…in about thirty minutes they'll know." This guy always got me fuckin mad, and I started rummaging through my backpack looking for my keys.

"Okay, stop Whitlock…stop." Jake took a step towards me, holding his hand out. I just stared at him, waiting to hear what he had to say.

"You can't tell them okay…I'm this close to becoming a partner at my job. They have rules Jasper…and their values, they're a bit old fashioned. It can't come out…that I'm…that I like…"

"_Dudes_?" I finished for him cocking my head to the side.

He just sighed and nodded.

"I don't know man…I think you fucked with the wrong people…I don't mean that literally…you can fuck whoever you want, I don't care.." I picked up hand waving it at him, "but shit man, you're a prick…you made Eddie's life a living hell. And Em…he's been a cool friend to you…he oughta know."

"No. No…I don't want them to know…nobody is going to know. Shit Jasper, what do I need to do to keep you quiet?"

I just shrugged. I didn't think there was anything he could do that would make me keep my mouth shut.

"Come on, name your price Whitlock. I know you have one."

I shrugged again, "There isn't anything."

Jake laughed, "Everyone has a price. Name yours. What do you want? Money? Clothes? A trip somewhere…"

I was about to flip him off and get in my car when his next words stopped me…

"You need an A in a class? I know most of the professors here…some of them owe me…"

He could see it in my eyes then…the mention of an A…my eyes gave it away. He jumped all over it.

"Whose class? Just give me the name of the professor…I'll take care of it."

And he did…

...*****************************************************************************************************************************************

**EPOV**

Standing in the circle of Bella's arms took me back to the very beginning. When the realization that this was it…this was the woman for me took over my entire being. This was the one that I loved.

I felt that way again. I knew right then that I could scoop her up and take her over to our bedroom and she wouldn't say no. I knew I could kiss her long, hard and deep and she would respond. I could make love to her, and her body would be mine…

But I didn't want to just do that…I wanted to _remind her_…

I kept her close to me, breathing in her scent, feeling the warmth of her body. I marveled in it…savored it, just listened to her heartbeat again.

"My doctor was right." Bella whispered to me in the quiet of the kitchen.

"What?..." I wasn't sure I heard her, "Doctor?"

She pulled back just a little bit, enough to look up into my face. "I needed a little bit of help…Alice told me about this doctor…Doctor Clearwater. He helped me so much…"

I don't think she heard my gasp, or felt my arms tighten around her at the mention of Dr. Clearwater's name.

"I've been going to talk to him for months now. He's a physiatrist. He mostly listens…he's good at that…listening. He taught me a lot of things, how to cope." She paused then, her eyes searching mine…looking for some kind of reaction…I was still frozen, so her voice had a hint of waver as she continued on…

"He taught me how to listen…really listen. How to move on with my life. He was really nice to Charlie too. He didn't even mind when Charlie got into some of the papers in his folder, or that pretty bowl of rocks sitting on his desk. He encouraged me to keep talking to you…not letting me give up of you. I'm glad I listened to him…"

"I know him." I blurted out, I couldn't keep this from her.

"Really? How?" She seemed startled at my tone, but her voice was still soft and loving.

"He was…my doctor too. Dr. Clearwater…he was my court appointed doctor." Her eyes widened at my words.

"You? You were seeing a doctor?"

I just nodded at her, wondering if she was going to get angry that I kept this from her.

"How long?" she half whispered to me.

"A long time…" I let my hands move from her back up to her shoulders, I knew I had to explain this too, "About a year. The judge made me see him; it was part of my probation, after I got arrested."

"Oh." She breathed, her eyes still very worried.

"He helped me too." I added, wanting her to know everything…not wanting to hold back anymore. "He's the one who encouraged me to write again. To sing. And you and Charlie, he helped me find the courage to talk to you again…to accept what happened to my life…and like you…to move on…"

She was trying not cry, I could hear her take these quick little breaths as she listened to me. I didn't want her to cry. She had cried enough. "He's even the one who suggested I go to the cemetery…to see Em…"

She looked up at me sharply then, "Me too…" she said softly.

I tilted my head, looking at her, trying to fill in all those missing puzzle pieces.

"Charlie and I went there to see Em lots of times…we always made sure he had fresh flowers," she hesitated, "We never saw Rose there though."

"Do you think…maybe, we could go there together one day?" I could already feel my heart start to pump that old familiar beat…the one where it wanted to share everything with Bella…with my wife…

"I think…I think I'd really like that…" She finally smiled at me, a smile that was worth a million times more than what she was saying…

"There's one more thing I have to tell you…" I gently moved some of the hair away from her eyes, "No, two things…"

"What's that?" That beautiful loving tone in her voice was beginning to make me ache.

"My parents…my Dad called me while you were in Florida. He invited us over for lunch if you think you're up for it. And later tonight, I'd like to take you somewhere…just us two…it's somewhere I have to be…promised I'd be…"

"Edward…I'd really love that. I've missed your parents so much. They still come over, call me, but it's not the same."

She was hugging me again, and this time I let that tiny seed of anticipation grow…lowering my head into her neck, letting my lips touch the softness of her skin, enjoying her slight shiver as I made my way along to her bare shoulder. I could remind her of this feeling, let her anticipate something too…

...********************************************************************************************************************************************

My parents couldn't have looked prouder. My mom even stepped away from the door first, turning her head away so that we couldn't see her wipe at her eyes. We both noticed it though.

Bella beamed back at them, giving my Dad a big bear hug and taking my Mom's hand, kissing her on the cheek before handing Charlie over to her.

I don't know if my Mom thought she was going to feed an army but there was a huge spread of food out on the table. Everything you could imagine, from roast beef sandwiches, cold potato salad, shrimp cocktails, right down to these little rainbow goldfish crackers that Charlie immediately went for.

We ate in comfortable silence, enjoying one another's company. Once we were completely full we moved over to the back porch where Charlie could run around and enjoy the sunshine.

I handed Bella a glass of iced tea before settling down next to her. My mom smiled at us, her eyes shining.

"It's wonderful to see you two here again." My Dad took a sip of his drink, glancing over at my Mom with chagrin, "We were a lot worried for you two…for quite a while…"

"It was a difficult time." I answered while Bella nodded, "for all of us."

"We hope you two will continue to improve." My mom placed her glass down, her eyes watching us carefully.

"We are certainly going to try." Bella placed her hand over mine, smiling warmly first at me then my parents.

"Hopefully one day, we'll be celebrating just as many years as you two." I was trying to be light…funny. But the look that passed between my parents was not one of happiness…more like pain.

"Um…Edward, Bella…that's just it, what we worry about. What we thought we saw before…before Emmett died…before all this started. The way you two often put unnecessary pressure on yourselves…"

Both Bella and I were at first stunned silent at my dad's sudden outburst, but the more we listened the more it made sense.

"Yes, you two. Don't make the same mistakes twice." My mom's voice was firm, more firm than I had ever heard it.

"I don't understand…" Bella started…

"Me neither…" I added.

My dad put his hand up to silence us, and we both leaned back into our seats. "One of the most important things you two can do for yourselves is stop comparing, or trying to compare your marriage…your friendship…to other's. You both are surrounded with people who love you…who support you…but we _aren't _you…and you _aren't_ us. There were times when Esme and I didn't think our marriage would survive, especially after we failed both our sons…we were hanging on a thread back then, sometimes we still are. No one ever told us how hard this was going to be…"

"That's why we're telling you…" My mom interjected giving my dad a warm smile, "We know you've already had it rough, we know you've already conquered demons…we just want you to know, there'll probably be more along the way. You both have to be willing to take the ride…"

"Together…" My dad added.

"Yes together…" Mom nodded.

They both looked turned their heads at the same time, giving each other a loving smile and clasping their hands together, before looking back at us.

I think I grew more emotionally during their talk than I ever had before. Just knowing that my parents did not have the perfect marriage as I had often deluged they had, knowing that they too struggled with their own flaws and imperfections gave me a sense of appreciation for them, and a tangle of affection.

Bella had her arms wrapped around my mom then, both of them not trying to hide their tears any longer.

"Thank you…both of you." It took me a minute to control my voice, it cracked with each word I was trying to say, "Your words mean the world to us…"

My dad smiled warmly at me as he reached out to shake my hand, I grabbed onto it and held on tightly, locking my eyes to his.

"But you both were wrong about one thing…" I squeezed my Dad's hand as my Mom turned sharply to look at me, I had everyone's attention…even Bella's, "You _didn't _fail your sons…_neither _of them…you _didn't_ fail them…"

...********************************************************************************************************************************************

I dropped Bella off back at the house to change clothes. I wouldn't tell her where we were going but I urged her to put on something nice.

After a few more minutes of quiet tears back at my parents place, the rest of the afternoon had turned into a wonderful day of happy chatter, delicious food, and the most awesome company that Bella and I could ask for. During the course of the day they offered to keep Charlie for the night, which to my delight Bella accepted.

My parents knew where I was taking Bella, so did Jasper and Alice, and they were all equally excited about. Not so much for the place we were going, but for the fact that what was going to happen there.

I thought I was going to have to drag, bribe, beg Jazz to go with me into the flower shop, I wanted to grab some flowers for Bella to give to her tonight, but for once Jazz didn't put up any fuss.

My goal was to grab a dozen wildflowers and head back to my place to shower and change. Jazz was sniffing some pink tulips, maybe he would buy them for Alice tonight.

Once I had my flowers in hand I headed down the aisle in the direction of the cash registers, no sooner than turning the corner that I bumped into no one else than Jake Black of course. I knew it wouldn't be this easy.

Jake was holding these orangy red flowers in a vase. He looked completely startled and even a little afraid to see me. Back at the airport he didn't even stick around for more than ten seconds, waving bye to Bella and nodding at me quickly before making a beeline out of there.

"Cullen." That's all he said to me, nothing else.

It sort of made me mad, just seeing him standing there holding these flowers which were probably for Bella, sounding so flippant and ignorant, I was ready for the throwdown…right then…right there…

"Who are those for Black?" I went straight to the point, "Because they better not be for Bella."

Jake just blinked at me, tilting his head to the side in something that looked like confusion; it just pissed me off more.

"I think it's time you back off. Bella is still married to me, and I'll be dammed if you think I am just going to continue to let you breeze in and out of her life as you please…"

It was Jazz's chuckling that made us both turn to look at him. Jazz looked as pleased as shit, his eyes dancing merrily over Black and me. I didn't have time for this. I narrowed my eyes at Jazz and then turned back to Black. Black was glaring at Jazz too, I know Jazz is a cocky bastard but he was still my best friend and nobody looks at him like that in front of me…except maybe Alice…

"Back off Bella, Black…" Jake still didn't look at me, but he was getting all huffy and agitated, still glaring at Jazz. "I don't know what you think you had between you two, but it ends today…"

Jazz chuckled again…Black glared harder. I was still pissed.

Finally Jazz swept his hand in front of him, in my direction. It made Black give out this little snort and he turned to me.

"Fuck." He said under his breath, then his eyes narrowed at me, "Are you fucking with me Cullen? Have you talked to Bella? To _him_?" Jake nodded his head towards Jazz in disgust.

"I talked to Bella. Your name wasn't mentioned. I don't know what the hell is going on between you and Jazz."

It was Jazz's turn to snort…and choke… "_Hell_…_Nothing_ Eddie…there ain't _nothing _going on…" then he snorted again, which pissed Jake off.

"Shit." Jake was truly exasperated with us…with both of us. "Get your shit together Whitlock…I'm surprised you kept your end of the bargain…" then he turned to me, "You obviously haven't talked to Bella yet…at least about me."

He took a step in my direction and I seriously thought he was going to throw a punch, my foot automatically went back, bracing myself for any impact.

"Fuck. Cullen, you better_ not_ be fucking with me…but I won't be giving Bella flowers any time soon. These are not for her. You need to go talk to her…or _him_." His eyes narrowed at Jazz again.

I looked over at Jazz, he had a smirk of victory all over his face, he grinned and winked at me when our eyes met.

"Okay forget that shit…I'll tell you myself Cullen, just to wipe that look off your buddy's face. I'm not after your wife okay. I mean I was…after her I mean…but not because of _that_…put your _hand down_ Cullen,_ not_ because of that. I was trying to keep an image, the image of a family man, for my job. Bella was the perfect choice, she came with a ready made family…she was perfect for _me_…put the hand down Cullen…perfect for _my image,_ plus she was in love with someone else, so I never had to worry. I made her think I was into her…I tried to be into her…tried to…but it didn't work."

My emotions were running a little rampant here…up, down…anger, confusion.

"What the hell are you saying Black?" I argued, cutting him off… "That you liked Bella…that you didn't like Bella…that you were into her…but not into her?" I shook my head at him.

"I'm not into Bella, Cullen. I never was. I'm not into her because I'm…I'm into…"

"Dudes!" Jasper couldn't help himself; he had flung his flowers down onto the shelf next to him and got right into both our faces. "Black is into dudes Eddie…he likes dudes!"

Jake just shook his head in disgust at Jazz while I stood there trying to process what I was hearing.

"Dudes?" I looked at Jazz. Jazz looked at me and nodded…then smirked…and nodded again.

Jake clearly was annoyed with us by now. He gave out another little huff and rolled his eyes at Jazz and then turned to me.

"Look Edward. I'm gay. That's it. That's the big secret. Now you know…he knows…" he rolled his eyes at Jazz again, "And Bella knows."

This made me narrow my eyes at him. "Bella knows?"

"Yes Cullen. Bella knows. She found out in Florida. She hasn't told you yet?" He looked curious for a second and then dismissed it quickly, "I'm surprised she hasn't told you…or this little…uhh…piece of work."

I raised an eyebrow at him, but it dawned on me just then what he said. I turned to Jazz, "You knew?"

Jazz gave me this victory grin that faded into slight worry when he didn't get a similar reaction out of me.

"You knew and you didn't tell me…" My voice was tight.

"Yeah well look Eddie…" Jazz was already picking up both hands, backing away.

"Yeah yeah yeah, he knew…before you go all ninja on him Cullen, keep in mind that I said Bella was already in love with someone else. That someone was _you_. You were a goddamn drunk and she still loved you. It was obvious to everyone but _you_. We all tiptoed around you Cullen…because you lost Em…we all lost Em. He was my best friend, and it hurt like hell when we lost him, but fuck, we gave you more than enough time. Now Bella says you've gotten your head out of your ass, and damn I hope she's right."

Both Jazz and I were pretty speechless at Black's little tirade. His words didn't annoy or anger me like I thought they would. The bastard was actually making a whole lot of sense, he was starting to sound like…like…Em…

"So prove to all of us that we're doing the right thing letting you back into Bella's life. I tried to protect her from you but I knew eventually I wouldn't be able to stop you any longer. Don't disappoint me. Don't disappoint _yourself_…"

Jazz had stopped smirking at him and was looking at him with something that looked like respect in his eyes. Hell, even I had to respect the guy, the way he was making all that fucking sense and all.

"Allright." Jake started to look everywhere but at me and Jazz, "I'm out of here." He started turning away from us, still holding onto his flowers.

"Hey wait…" I found my voice then, I felt a little awkward but hell the whole situation was awkward… "I appreciate it…you telling me. Thanks." I held out my hand to him.

He looked at me strangely for a second, then down to my hand. He reached out and grabbed it strongly, his grip was firm. "I'm sorry Cullen…Edward…I'm sorry about that party at my house. I shouldn't have let you drink." His eyes were sincere, "And I'm really sorry about Emmett. He was crazy about you, and sometimes…I just got jealous that's all."

"Thanks." That was all I could get out…really…unless I was going to start bawling like a fucking baby. In my defense even Jazz gave out a sniffle or two.

Jake just nodded at both of us then and let go of my hand. "Don't forget your flowers Cullen. Bella always likes the yellow ones, I don't know why…" and then he was gone.

Jazz and I paid for our flowers in silence but right before we headed out the door I had to mutter…

"You knew…and you didn't fucking tell me."

Jazz gave out a little snort at my words, "It worked didn't it? We wouldn't be doing this shit right now if I had told you…"

...*******************************************************************************************************************************************

"Oh my gosh…I haven't been in this place in years." Alice was chattering a mile a minute as usual when we walked through the doors, Jazz was humoring her, but Bella and I were completely ignoring her.

Bella was clutching my hand tightly, her eyes wide open and animated. I knew she would be nervous about being here…that's why I didn't tell her before…it was one of our old favorite haunts…a place where so many memories were created.

"I don't remember it being this crowded." She whispered to me.

To be honest, neither did I. What was once a quiet hidden hideaway had now turned into a full-fledged hangout place.

I tried not to get too nervous, because this wasn't going to be it…there was more to come…

"Crossroads sure has come a long way hasn't it Bella?" Alice seated herself on the chair Jazz had pulled out for her. Bella smiled and nodded as she sat down next to her.

When the waitress came around everyone hemmed and hawed a little bit before hastily ordering club sodas. I knew eventually one day they would all feel more comfortable drinking around me, it wouldn't always be this hard for them…or for me.

Crossroads was our favorite hangout place back in college, and even after we graduated we often frequented there. It was one of the first places I played my music publically. I actually played my very first single here…right here…on that stage…in front of Bella.

For the first hour or so we all sat around, talking and listening to the music, critiquing the new acts that came across the stage. It felt like old times…surrounding me with all those great memories. It made me comfortable…happy…full of courage.

So when I excused myself from our table, claiming I had to use the restroom, and the manager took the stage to introduce the next act, I was ready…completely…one hundred percent ready…

"Ladies and Gentlemen, it is a complete honor to have our next guess back at Crossroads. Not only have we been lucky enough to have him grace our stage when he was just starting out, we are beyond elated that he has returned to introduce his next newest single _Warning Signs_…Here he is…Mr. Edward Cullen…"

At first the applause sounded so thunderous to my ears, but little by little it felt good…familiar…

I reached for my guitar that I had stashed away in the back of the stage earlier and made myself comfortable on the stool in front of the mic. My eyes searched out the crowd…it was mostly new college kids…a new generation, some bored…some looking at me with interest, but my eyes weren't looking for them, or for their acceptance. This song was for only one person in the room, and when my eyes met hers, everyone else just faded into the background.

That look in her eyes as I first strummed the guitar…it was that same look that she had when we first met in the music room so long ago, when she watched me play without really hearing me. I missed that look…more than I ever imagined.

But this night wasn't about me…no. All I wanted to accomplish tonight was to make Bella remember. To remind her of all the things we used to be…and all the things we could still become.

And the music…the music that I struggled so hard to create after Em died…it all came so easy to me as I played. It rose and fell and flowed all around us. I could hear the crowd let out little gasps and _ohs _at the sounds and words. I could feel the emotion buzz throughout the crowd, making everyone sit up and take notice. All those reactions didn't matter to me, because the only one that could promise me a future…that could remind me as well…was the woman sitting quietly in her chair, her brown hair falling all around her shoulders in soft waves, her eyes so beautiful and shining, locked onto my every movement…my every sound.

She understood me…understood what I was trying to say.

_Our_ doctor was right…about so many more things that neither of us had realized yet…and some things that both of learned together, but mostly the fact that what we had…what we created together would always be with us, while some things might never be the same again, it would never really go away. And maybe every now and then we just might have to touch the bottom, before we can climb back up again…but most importantly…from here on out…we would know…the warning signs…

...*******************************************************************************************************************************************

"Your song was just beautiful." Bella's hands trembled just a little bit as she slid the keys into the front door, unlocking it.

"Thank you. That means a lot to me." I confess, my hands shook the same way but I least I could hide them in my trouser pockets.

We both walked into the quiet house, our footsteps echoing throughout the foyer. The silence wasn't threatening it was just the unknown answered question that hung between us.

I wanted this to be special, if tonight was the night that Bella was going to give herself back to me; I wanted her to know that I was giving myself back to her as well. I also knew that I wanted to be the one to ask her. She had done so much for me already; I needed to do this for her.

She placed her things down on the side table and turned towards me, giving me a shaky almost shy smile.

Before she could say anything I held out my hand to her, her eyes shot down to my hand and then back up to my face. She smiled at me again and placed her hand in mine.

With her hand firmly in mine, and without breaking our gaze, I lowered myself down on one knee. Her eyes widened immediately at my actions but she didn't make a sound.

"Hey baby…" I said in a soft voice, "I know you've seen all this before…" I didn't want to be all mushy, I wanted to be honest, and I wanted her to know that, "but before we go any further I really need to tell you what's really in my heart…"

I could feel her hand gripping mine tightly as I spoke, her hand shaking again. But she stayed strong…I could feel her…she stayed strong.

"I know I could tell you I'm sorry a million times and it wouldn't make up for not one single thing I have done to you, not one single hurt I have caused you, but baby…my heart really aches for you, and I am so sorry for not being the man you deserve. And I don't ever expect you to forgive me, but I hope I'll be able to remind you of everything we once were, and promise you that if you let me back into your life again I'll show you everything we can be…I'm sorry Isabella…I'm so sorry _love_…"

I thought she might start crying…I expected her to start crying…what I didn't expect was for her to lower herself down on her knees right in front of me.

"Edward…I know life dealt us a hand we never imagined would happen…and even though it was awful, I believe with all my heart that it has made us stronger…" She was looking right into my eyes, her voice strong, but it started cracking with her next sentence, "And baby…you don't…don't need to remind me…of anything…cause I remember everything about you…and…and I've missed that look in your eyes so much…so very much…"

She couldn't say anything else after that, but she really didn't have too. I just pulled her into my arms right there, letting her know that we didn't need to use words anymore. My lips found her trembling ones, my hands moving up from her waist into her soft glorious hair. The second her hair swept through my fingers her arms were around me and with a soft muffled cry her mouth opened to mine.

This kiss meant so much more than any kiss we had ever shared…this kiss was the start of our future.

It took a lot of my control to keep things slow. The blood coursed through my veins heated with desire…I wanted to ravish this woman in my arms, this woman that I had waited so long for…I tried to breath, with every kiss, with every caress, I reminded myself to breath. Her hands found their way to the front of my chest, lingering there, before sliding over my shoulders and down my back. It was all those familiar touches and ripped a groan from my throat and I just pulled her closer trying not to dig my fingers into her back.

It didn't stop me, however, from letting my hands move up to her neck…letting my fingers stroke her collarbones before finding the straps holding up her pretty sundress, I slid my hands under those straps pulling them down off her shoulders. She just sucked in her breath and tilted her head to the side giving me better access to all that beautiful glowing skin along her neck and shoulder. My lips explored every inch of that skin, stopping to pay special attention to all those delicate areas.

I easily found the zipper of her dress, tugging at it slightly before making myself pull back to watch it fall from her body. I had missed _seeing_ her too…I had missed everything…

She let me pull back from, let that dress fall to her knees in a silken mess. She watched me look at her with those big brown eyes, her chest rising and falling with every jagged breath she took.

And she was an amazing sight to see, those perfect soft breasts in her pretty lace bra…all that bare skin traveling right down to her belly button. Her panties had lace too; in fact, the entire small piece of cloth was made of lace. She knew how much I loved lace on her.

Just seeing her there…right there…ready for me…waiting for me…it was almost too much to bear. If I didn't move I would take her right there, and the bare floor wasn't where I wanted this to happen.

I slid my hands around her waist again…hesitating for just a minute so I could feel that skin beneath my fingers a little more. Then I helped her up so that we were both standing, pulling her up against me, this time letting my hands travel to her bottom, squeezing her just a little bit. She moaned at my touch and her forehead fell forward against my shoulder…her actions totally sent the blood rushing to my head, and I just scooped her up into my arms, capturing her lips in mine at the same time, heading for her bedroom…for our bedroom.

If I thought my emotions couldn't get any higher, I was wrong. Lying next to her in bed again sent my heart racing…feeling her bare leg wrap around me…just pure bliss.

In the midst of all that emotion, Bella seemed to find herself, her courage, because at that second, that sweet gorgeous sexy vixen I remembered so well emerged…all more gorgeous…all more sweet…and so so very sexy.

Her fingers made quick work of my dress shirt…I could feel the air hit my bare skin but it was her lips that caused all those little goose bumps. My trousers were sliding down my legs just as quickly…and she remembered…remembered every single place…every single place that made me grunt…and groan…and call out her name.

I wanted to see her face…I had to see her face, when I entered her. Her face had only been in my dreams for over two years…it had tortured me for two years, and now it was here…it was real, and I wanted to see it.

Hovering over her, seeing her hair spill across the white silk of the pillow, her lips open in a half moan, her eyes just full of want…and love. That's what I missed the most…what I wanted to see the most…that look…that love.

Her back arched…just like it did in my dreams…and she gasped, her nails digging into my shoulders as I slid in. I kept watching her…holding my breath…staying in check, because all I wanted to do was feel her envelope me…cling to me…urge me to stay.

As I moved her body molded to mine and she lifted her hips to meet my every thrust. Every time I was fully inside of her I kept thinking that I wouldn't be able to hold out any longer, but because she kept looking at me with all that love and emotion in her eyes I kept going…kept moving…cause I didn't want that to end. I never wanted her to stop loving me…

I knew she was getting closer…I could see it. And it was wonderful to see…arousal made Bella all more beautiful to me…a completely breathtaking sight. Her eyes completely open and round, her mouth forming a perfect "O" as she held on to me tightly, her legs wrapped around my waist. And that feeling rose and rose until a gasp and shudder shook her body and my name tumbled from her lips.

That was all it took…hearing her say my name…she said it twice as she came…I could feel her body tighten around me. It tore a grunt from my throat and wave after wave of emotion washed over me as I spilled into her. It almost felt as if I couldn't stop…my heart kept racing, my body kept thrusting. She held onto me tightly, keeping me against her as hard as she could, trying to get her own breathing in check. She whispered my name one more time, but only it wasn't just my name…

"Edward…" her voice was still low and husky, "I love you…"

I thought I was done coming but those words sent me right over the edge again and all I could do was just groan against her and hold on tight, wondering if my heart were going to explode like the rest of my body felt. That entire experience took me places I had never been to, and it opened my eyes, made me feel alive…made me realize that I was alive again…and as long as I had Bella, I would be okay…

...****************************************************************************************************************************************

I think we both thought it was my parents at the door the next afternoon. We spent most of the morning in bed, exploring each other over and over again. It wasn't until sometime after three that we made our way to the kitchen.

Bella pulled her robe around her, tying it quickly before she opened the door. I was about to take a sip of my coffee but her gasp made me put the mug down and walk over to see what had alarmed her.

Rose was hard to miss…the sun was bouncing off that golden hair in what looked like a million rays, it was almost blinding. She had this great big smile on her face as she looked at Bella, that smile grew wider when she saw me appear at Bella's side.

"Surprise!" She grinned at both of us and then laughed, "You two look pretty good."

Her tone…her voice…her bluntness. It was Rose alright and it felt really nice to see her look so happy. I think Bella felt it too because she let out this wonderful laugh and pulled the door wide open.

"Rose! Oh gosh! Please come in!"

It wasn't until the shock wore off that we noticed the little wiggling mess in her arms. "I hope you don't mind…" Rose's eyes shone as she spoke, "But I brought a friend…"

"Oh a puppy!" Bella reached out to touch the small mass of fur, "She's so cute!"

Rose laughed again, trying to control all the wriggling going on, "It's a _he_…and yes he's very cute."

"Awww…so adorable. Look Edward…isn't he adorable?" Bella looked so happy and so content that I had to smile…

"Yeah, he's cute…" I reached out to ruffle the small pups ear.

His head immediately popped up from Rose's arms and he started sniffing at my hand.

"His name is Moses…" Rose glanced at me with just a hint of caution before smiling again, "And he comes with a story…could I tell it to you…_both_?"

Moses liked the backyard; he was so small he could almost hide in the grass. The three of us sat in the patio and watched him run around. My heart kept jumping every time Rose said his name…it had to be just a coincidence…right?

"First…Alice told me that I would probably find you both right here…" Rose gave us both a smirk, "And she was right…and I'm glad she was right, because this little guy can't wait any longer."

All Bella and I could do was just stare at her…half happy…but more confused.

"Anyways…the story…okay, let's see…I want to get it right…" she gave a quick sigh and then tossed her hair over her shoulder, taking a big breath as she did that, "A long time ago…before Emmett and I were even engaged…he told me a story…about a boy…who wanted a dog…but not just any dog…a dog named Moses. So Em wanted to get a dog named Moses for this boy…but it was just never the right time. First the boy went to college…then the boy got engaged…then married. They almost got Moses as a wedding gift, but Em's beautiful girlfriend convinced him that that might not be such a great wedding present…so Em waited…and waited…then he found out that the boy's wife was going to have a baby, and he told his beautiful girlfriend that when the baby turned two, that's when he would give the boy…and the baby…and the wife…Moses. He would give them _all_, Moses…"

Rose was smiling throughout the story, her eyes kept glancing my way…making sure her words weren't stinging…and they weren't…all her words were doing were making these tiny bubbles of excitement grow inside of me…

"But Em didn't get a chance to give Moses to the boy, but his girlfriend never forgot…and she told herself that if she ever ran into the boy…and he was with his wife…and his son…that she would do what Em wanted…give them Moses." Rose looked back and forth between Bella and I, "So…if it's okay with you…" she looked at me, "And you…" then to Bella, "I would like you to keep him…keep Moses…"

There weren't words…words that could say what I was feeling. All I could do was get up from my chair and hug her. Bella hugged her too…and we stood there for a few seconds and I swear I could feel my brother hugging me too…

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"Hey…look over there…look at that one Eddie. Come on, you can do it…it's not that hard."

"I don't want to." I muttered wanting to throw down the roll of string, "This is no fun…"

"Sure it is…" Em stood next to me, his hand reaching out to pull on the string…the kite in the air flew in a crazy pattern before it crashed to the ground.

This was the third time I had tried it and it wasn't working. I had been coming here for three days now with no avail…Em volunteered to help me today. The other kids at the park all had their kites in the air…all of them…except for me.

"Let's go home Em…Come on…This is _boring_…" I lied.

"No it isn't Eddie…try it again…don't give up…you can do it." Em handed me the string again, "I'll run with the kite and you pull the string okay…we'll do it together…"

I watched in dismay as my brother began to half run with the kite, when he let it go I yanked hard on my string. The kite went straight up in the air, then took another crazy nose dive.

"Keep pulling Eddie…that's it…don't let go…you're almost there…" Em heading towards me all while watching our kite, he kept urging me on…didn't let me give up.

"See look…you did it…it's flying Eddie." Em looked pleased; he bumped me in my shoulder with a grin.

I couldn't help it…I smiled back at him triumphantly. This wasn't so bad.

"Now look…if you yank on it this way, the kite will go that way…and if you bring the string down here, the kite will do that wavy thing again…" Em was pointing at the sky…his fingers making crazy motions in the air.

I watched with fascination as my brother showed me new tricks…tricks the other kids didn't know…they didn't have a cool brother like mine.

"That's cool Em…" you could hear the excitement in my voice, "Look how high it's flying…it's even higher than that tree! I bet if I gave it more string it would reach heaven!"

Em just chuckled and bumped my shoulder again, "You think so little brother huh? Heaven huh?" he chuckled again.

"Sure…I bet it would! It's not too far away…" I tried pulling on the string again, laughing when the kite did a huge loop de loop in the air.

"You're probably right Eddie…" Em reached out and guided my hand, making the kite look like it was just floating in the air… "You're definitely right Eddie…heaven isn't too far away…it looks pretty close now…"

And he was right...

...**********************************************************************************************************************************************

**Let me know if you liked it. :) **

**See you at the Epi...**

**MBella**


	19. How You See The World

**Hello and welcome back! It is so great to see you all again. I hope you're ready for the end...because here it is! :)**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight, I do not.**

**Enjoy!**

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I wasn't used to the quiet, or the stillness. I sat at my piano carelessly plucking away at a few melancholy chords, reflecting on the way my life had turned out. It never crossed my mind that it would evolve the way it did, I always imagined it differently somehow…

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"Hey Eddie, come here, I want to show you something." Em was standing in the middle of our driveway holding his basketball against one hip. He was waving me over with his free hand, his eyes fixated on the bright pink bicycle coming down the sidewalk.

I purposely took my time, dragging my feet, making them shuffle, an annoyed scowl painted across my face. I knew what he was doing…and I didn't like it.

"What Em?" I was still scowling, the bike was closer now, I could see it better out of the corner of my eye. Pink glittery ribbons flew in wavy patterns from the handlebars, and the blinding of the sequins that were attached to the back wheels spinning like crazy made my head hurt.

Still, that's not what caught the most attention. Despite all the bling and glitz attached to the bike, it was the girl riding it that caught everyone's eye. She was new here, moved in last week, and every boy in the neighborhood was tripping over himself whenever she rode by.

"I'm going to show you how make a three pointer…" Em was trying to show off of course. He was timing his throw so that the girl would see it as she rode by. "You stand right over there." He pointed at me and over to the grass, I could see he was half peeking over his shoulder, mentally calculating her distance, and his throw.

I didn't even pretend to care, or bother watching. I purposely bent down and tied my shoelace, completely ignoring Em.

He wasn't paying attention to me either; I could've been standing on my head for all he knew. Just when the girl reached the beginning of our property Em took a deep breath, swung around, shot out his arms, and threw the basketball with all his might.

It was something out of a comedy…the ball shot straight up in the air, maybe four feet high, in a crazed fashion before bouncing off the rim like a bullet, and headed right in my direction. It happened so fast I couldn't even pick my arm up for protection, that crazy ball ricocheted right off my head and did this spiral loopy thing before it shot off towards the street and right into the girl and her bike…

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"Dad? What are you doing in here? Mom says it's almost time for us to go, and you're not even ready yet. She's _not _going to be happy."

I glanced up from my piano and into my son's bright impatient eyes. He stood right by the doorway his arms crossed in a scolding fashion. At thirteen years old, he was wiser beyond his years, and he was right, of course, just like his mother, he was always right. He also inherited her temper…

"I'm half ready." I gave Charlie a sheepish grin, "See…I have my dress pants on, I just need my jacket…"

"And your shirt…and your tie…and your shoes…" Charlie started counting off the items on his fingers. "Mom is going to come looking for you in about…three minutes," he glanced at his watch, "starting right…now."

"All right, all right…we can't keep your mother waiting." I chuckled and began pushing myself away from the piano.

"Daddy! Piano!" Both Charlie and I could hear the tiny voice coming down the hall, another voice followed behind it…

"Da! Pay!"

"Too late…" Charlie threw up his hands in defeat and quickly jumped out of the way as his two sisters came bounding into the room with full force, in a sea of pink and white tulle.

I watched Charlie with a half proud, half awe grin, he could jump high and fast at a moment's notice, he had a natural talent for it, just like his uncle.

I wasn't even halfway up when both girls flung themselves onto my lap their tiny voices begging me to play.

"Play Itsie Bitsy Spider Daddy!" Rachel kept pushing back these huge wavy curls that hung all around her face in exasperation, the small diamond pins did nothing to stop the curls from falling in her eyes. I knew the hair would drive her crazy, Rachel was my tomboy. My sports loving…adventure seeking…action movie watching tomboy, to beat it all off, she was a stunner. Creamy porcelain skin, bright emotion filled eyes, and incredible hair…perfect hair…model hair…and today…evil hair…

"Pider!" Savannah tried to follow her older sister's moves, but her short chubby legs didn't allow her to hitch herself over my thigh, instead she rested her belly against my knee and tried to propel herself upward, her small brightly painted pink fingernails gripping my wrist for balance, her silver sparkly bracelets clinking against each other with the movement.

Savannah was all girl. All things pink. All things bling. All things magical. She loved tiaras, big fluffy dresses, and dangly bracelets and jewelry. The bigger the better, the brighter, the more perfect for her, nothing was too glitzy for this one.

When I felt her fingers slip, I quickly grabbed onto her and shifted just inch or so, so that both of my girls could sit with ease. Although with these dresses they were wearing…nothing was easy.

"Mom said for you not to touch your hair." Charlie scolded Rachel as she yanked at her curls one more time.

"I can't see." She frowned at him and then turned to me with those big doleful brown eyes, "Mommy says I have to leave it this way…"

"I know sweetheart…" I gently picked up a stray curl hanging down her forehead and tried to tuck it behind her ear. "It's just for a few hours and then Mommy will put it back in a ponytail for you. Here…listen…"

I began to play a few lively cords of Itsy Bitsy Spider for them, knowing that their mother would make her appearance at the door any second now…

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Em was frozen in shock, his hands halfway up as if he were about to cover his face and hide, only they never made it to his face. His mouth was open too, in horror.

I was pissed, I mean the ball had hit _me_ first, and _that _didn't even seem to faze him. I kept rubbing my head, even though it didn't really hurt anymore, hoping he would look over at me, but he didn't. I started to glare at him, at least until I glanced over at the girl.

My anger quickly faded to guilt. The poor girl was sprawled all over the floor, the handlebars on her bike were bent, and the streamers that had been attached to them were now scattered all around her, carelessly blowing around with the breeze.

I was pretty sure those were sobs I heard coming from her person, but her hair was all over her face, so I couldn't really tell.

It was her hair. Remember I told you how all the guys on the block went crazy over her…well it was because of her hair. Despite how glittery and pink her bike was, it was the hair that really blinded you. She had massive amounts of shiny golden hair that fell down her back like a silken waterfall…at least all of the times I had seen her, her hair was down her back…until now, because right now, it was all over her face…

She reached up sharply with her right hand and shoved some of her hair off of her, shaking her head at the same time, trying to get up in the process. When she was upright she whipped her head around and faced us.

That's when I got really scared.

"What the hell do you think you were doing? You almost got me killed! Crap! Look at what you did to my bike!"

Hearing those words come out of that perfect doll like mouth seemed almost unreal. I had to blink and put my hands on my head, wondering if I had gotten a concussion from that basketball.

The girl was blazing mad, but still, all you could see was beauty. Her eyes were as big as silver dollars even though they were shooting daggers at Em. Her glossy lips were painted a perfect pink, and I bet if she smiled it would automatically make you smile back, only she was screeching at my brother who was twice as big as her, but that didn't seem to bother her one bit.

"You're going to pay for this!" She yelled again, "My bike is ruined!" She placed her hands on her hips and glared at Em again. When she got no response, she turned to me. At first her eyes flashed angrily back and forth at us, but as the seconds ticked by and nobody moved, I saw annoyance in them. She fixated her gaze back on me.

"What's wrong with him?" She asked me, pointing to Em.

I didn't know what to say, she still looked pretty mad, I just shrugged my shoulders at her.

She gave out this dramatic sigh and flung her hair over her shoulders like something out of a movie. That's when I saw Em swallow…at least I think he swallowed, he could have choked too, but I'm not sure.

"Do either one of you know how to _talk_?" She asked sarcastically, "Because somebody is gonna pay. And if _you_ won't answer me, then I'm going to start with _him_…" She was talking to Em, only now pointing and walking towards _me_, it made me give out this little gasp and I tried to take a step backwards, tripping over my own feet and landing right on my butt…

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"Rachel Emilia and Savannah Rose! I already told you not to do anything that will squish those dresses, now get down from there and come on…"

Bella finally made her appearance at the door. We all looked up over at her together, probably with guilty looks on our faces because once she took in the scene before her a small giggle escaped her lips…just a small one. Her smile put the girls at ease and they both began talking to her at once…

"Daddy wanted us here…" Rachel was trying to explain…

"Pider!" Savannah began to hop up and down in my lap pointing to the piano keys.

I just chuckled, and with one arm around both my daughters, I rose and placed them down on their feet, I even fluffed out their dresses just to see Bella break out into a full smile.

"Daddy can play "Pider" for you later…right now Daddy is _very_ late and if he doesn't hurry Uncle Jake is going to be mighty mad at us." Bella was still smiling but I could see that warning look in her eyes, I knew that look all too well, in the past thirteen years I had seen that look numerous times, but there was always something else in that look, _love._

"Okay…" I picked up both hands in defeat, "Daddy surrenders. I will go finish getting ready now. Charlie, can you make sure your sisters don't get into anything they shouldn't."

"Sure Dad." Charlie was already trying to usher the girls out of the music room. "Come on Rach…and you too Rosie…let's go get the presents out of the hall closet."

At the mention of presents both girls took off like a shot after their brother in search of the goodies they had picked out for Uncle Jake.

With the kids out of the room, I was finally able to focus on the woman by the doorway and boy was she still a knockout. Thirteen years had done nothing but _perfect_ this beauty in front of me. Her eyes still shone brightly as she watched me, she had put her hair up in this fancy shmancy do, but really, all I wanted to do was run my hands through it and mess it all up. And the dress…she wore a dark navy blue…almost black…but it had these small light blue sparkles all along the plunging neckline that made you blink, yet you couldn't tear your eyes away. She wore these two dangling diamond earrings that I had bought her for our tenth wedding anniversary, I originally wanted to buy her the larger sized diamonds but she said no, that she loved the smaller ones, that they were more her…and she was right, they gleamed proudly, catching all the small rays of light making her look even more beautiful.

"Hello gorgeous." I whispered, pausing right as I was about to pass her, I could smell her perfume, and just a faint scent of her shampoo.

"Hello handsome, you better hurry or we are going to be late…" she whispered back, all while flashing me that seductive, sexy smile.

"I bet if there were a kiss or two, it would make me go a whole lot faster." I teased, just barely letting my thumb brush against the bare skin of her shoulder.

"Just_ two_?" She teased back, raising her eyebrows at me and tilting her head to the side. Her chin just about reached my thumb and she affectionately let her cheek rest against my hand.

That was all I needed to feel the blood coursing through me, that aching familiar need for her. It was still as strong as ever…if not, more so.

"Okay…maybe three…four…ten?" I started to lower my face into hers, feeling her body shake with her giggles, but her soft lips opened for me when they met mine, and she let me kiss her…once…twice…

"Okay baby," she whispered against my lips, "before you get carried away and ruin my makeup…we have to go. Now go get ready, and I promise you it will be worth it when we're back home tonight…" she used her hands, sliding them up against my chest, gently pushing me away from her.

I stole one more kiss on her cheek before falling back and heading to our bedroom to finish getting ready. It was going to be a big day for all of us; we all had a part to play in it…

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I think my falling is what jerked Em to attention. His hands flew wildly in front of his face and he stuttered a few nonsense syllables making the girl stop her menacing pace towards me. She turned to look at him, narrowing her eyes.

"What did you call me?" she warned.

"Uh…umm…uh…" That's all Em would say. I kept watching him, not getting up from the floor, waiting for him to say something, to start protecting me. "Uh…are you…you ok?" he said to her instead.

"What?" her voice was still dangerously angry, "Didn't you just see me _fall_? No, I'm _not _ok, and my bike is _not_ ok."

"I'm sorry." It seemed as if Em's ability to move returned to him, he started taking a step or two towards her, "I'm so sorry. We…we didn't see you, the ball…it just flew!" He threw up his hands, trying to explain, and not really doing a good job at it.

"Yeah it flew! Right off your brother's head! That's your brother right? I've seen him before." I could tell the girl was still mad, and her voice still dripped with sarcasm, but at least she wasn't attacking Em, or me, anymore.

"That's Eddie, my little brother. I was teaching him to play basketball." Em seemed to have relaxed somewhat, his words weren't coming out so hurried, and his hands found their way into his jean pockets.

"Well it looks like the basketball won." The girl snickered. I wrinkled my nose at her, she better just wait, there was no way Em was going to let her get away with that.

The sounds of Em's stifled laugh totally threw me off guard. Em was laughing with _her_…laughing at _me_. This was completely unacceptable!

Em tried to cough, "Uh…yeah…he's still learning…" then he coughed again, trying to hide his laugh, "Looks like Eddie was trying to throw a little soccer action in the mix there…"

Now the girl was laughing at me too! I had enough of this! I jumped up from the ground all mad and pouty, not caring that these little strands grass were sticking to my hair and clothes.

"That's not true!" I glared at Em, and then at the girl, "I wasn't really playing!" She just laughed some more and said, "Yup, I could tell." He words just made Em laugh harder.

I was really mad now. I wanted to stomp my feet at both of them and demand that they stop laughing, but instead I just turned toward the house yelling behind me, "I'm telling Mom!"

The last things I heard were more snickers and laughter, and then Em saying, "Hey what's your name?"

"Rosie…" The girl replied, "My name is Rosalie, but everyone calls me Rose or Rosie…"

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My two girls were nearly the stars of the show…_nearly_.

While everyone ohhed and ahhed over the girls tiers and tiers of tulle, bouncy curls, and happy smiles, it was the grooms that stole the spotlight.

Bella and I were not the only ones who grew and matured over the years. Jake had done pretty well for himself too.

He managed to become a full-fledged partner and well respected in his work place. He was so high up that when the rumors began circulating that he was involved with another man from the same department no one said a word about it, and no one dared questioned him to find out if the rumors were true.

Bella, Jasper, Alice and I included him in all our family functions right from the start. Charlie still thought the world of him, and by the time Rachel was born, Jake was considered family, one of us, so it made perfect sense to ask him to be Rachel's godfather, along with Jasper and Alice. Rachel bragged to anyone who would listen that she had_ two_ godfathers, not just one.

The initial awkwardness lasted only days really, and then he pretty much fit in with Jasper and me like an old shoe. He had no problem hanging out at my place watching all the football games on TV and helping me heckle Jazz whenever the Lions lost. I finally figured out why he was Em's best friend…

"I hope Rosie doesn't trip." Bella whispered to me from her seat. Savannah was half skipping down the aisle tossing her rose petals carelessly around her. She was not being careful with the hem of her dress, which was making Bella nervous.

"She'll be fine baby, she's having fun. Besides Rach and Charlie are watching her." I leaned into her ear, trying to reassure her that our youngest could hold her own. I wouldn't admit that I was secretly praying that she wouldn't trip either, but I knew it would be useless to have reminded her.

Savannah Rose was just like her namesake, a little spitfire who took orders from no one. Not to mention she loved being in the spotlight.

Charlie had to steer her in the right direction before she could make a beeline right towards her favorite Uncle Jake and his partner Philip Fritzgerald.

"This way Rosie…" Charlie bent down slightly, his hand reaching out to guide Savannah by her elbow. She hesitated just a second, torn between jumping into Jake's arms or listening to her older brother.

Jake wouldn't have minded, I know. Jake treated my girls as his own, and if my instincts were right, he and Philip would be heading towards being parent's themselves. Fatherhood was calling their name.

The ceremony was short, which was good, because I didn't know how long Savannah would be able to contain her excitement and her high pitched toddler voice. There were no more rose petals in her basket so she was already reaching out a hand into her sister's basket, looking for more. Her sister was doing a slow burn, trying her best to be a good flower girl, but clearly in no mood to give into her little sister's demands. Even Charlie looked relived when the music swelled around the room indicating that the formal part of evening was over…

The hall that had been rented for the party was packed full. People were already dancing and having a good time when Bella and I walked in with the kids. I was pretty relaxed and looking forward to having some fun with my family myself.

In the beginning, family functions and parties were not always my cup of tea. In fact the first year or two were almost unbearable. Not so much the alcohol or the urge to drink, although that never leaves you, but just the general comfortableness, and the whole damn awkward feeling. Like you felt out of place, didn't belong. Not to mention that every set of eyeballs were watching my every move, no one could relax, no one could have even a minuscule of a good time since we were all on the edge.

I almost stopped going out to those things, and began to dread the holidays. It was Jazz who saved the day, go figure.

It wasn't a special occasion, or a big party, when Jazz let us all have it, it was just the usual group, hanging out at his place. Jake was there with Philip, they just started dating, and we even invited Rose to join us.

Alice offered us all punch or soft drinks, even though I know I saw bottles and bottles of beer in the fridge. Jazz loved an occasional beer with his meal, that wasn't new…or unreasonable. I also knew that Alice didn't want to bring them out, so it hung over us, invisible, unspoken. _There would be no alcohol around Edward Cullen… _I didn't know how to tell them that it was okay. They didn't have to be so careful, that they could drink around me, I would be fine…I wouldn't die, I wouldn't go back to drinking or try to yank a bottle from someone's hands and chug it down like they all seemed to be afraid of.

I was _stronger_ than that…

I kept quiet, I guess I wasn't sure that they would believe me, if I tried to say anything, but it was eating at me, and at them too.

Finally, that day, Jazz had enough…

"I don't want Kool Aid Alice…what is this shit?" He looked down at his glass in disgust. Alice looked instantly worried and tried to ignore him at first, placing the glass down in front of him and turning away.

It set everyone on edge; I could feel it almost instantly. Bella sat up straighter, her eyes fixed straight ahead of her, Alice folded her arms nervously and wouldn't look at anyone. Jake stayed deadly quiet…

Jazz's eyes met mine, and I knew just by that look, that it was ending that day.

"Eddie," Jazz stood up from his chair, making Alice spin around and start walking back to him, didn't stop him though, "I'm not going to drink this shit, I'm gonna get a beer. Do you mind?"

His words were simple, straightforward, and to the point. And I fucking loved it.

"Not at all." I swept my hand out in front of me, making my words sound as casual as I could.

Jazz kept his eyes locked on me, I could see that he already believed me; he already knew I could do this; he wanted to help me make everyone understand that. "So, it's okay if the ladies have a drink too?" He couldn't help but pick on Jake a bit, it was still too easy.

"It's all okay." I nodded.

"Doesn't offend you? Make you all nervous and shit? Cause if it does, we just won't drink…_ever_…" He was trying to show everyone how ridiculous this whole thing was. I finally could breathe this great big sigh of relief, I got exactly what he was trying to do, and I took his lead.

"It's okay Jazz. Seeing people drink does not make me want to drink. Being in a bar does not make me want to drink. Going to a party does not make me want to drink. You know what makes me want to drink?" I paused. My last sentence had captured everyone's attention. They all were looking at me as if I held that final piece of information to this puzzle they were all struggling with, trying to finish.

"What is it man?" Jazz cocked his head to the side, I guess even he wanted to know.

"Being uncomfortable, unhappy, unsure, feeling ugly inside…outside, but I mostly want to drink when I know everyone around me is unhappy. When everyone freaking tip toes around me like I'm gonna break. When everyone is _afraid_ of me…" And that was the truth.

They all stayed quiet for a second…maybe two, but then Jake looked up from his plate right into my eyes. He looked at me almost proudly and then turned to Alice…

"I'll take a beer…" that's all he said, but it made all the difference in the world…

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"Eddie, you in there? You still mad?" Em was knocking at my bedroom door. I just pretended I couldn't hear it. I stayed put at the edge of my bed, a frown on my face.

"Come on Eddie, open the door. I'm sorry about what happened outside…" he kept right on knocking through his words; he knew that drove me crazy.

I stalked over to the door and unlocked it, but didn't bother to open it.

I could see the knob turn slowly and Em made his way inside. He was smiling, not necessarily at me, just smiling. I had my arms folded in front of me, the frown still on my face. I never liked it when Em didn't take my side, I mean, if your own brother went against you, what did you have left?

"Hey Eddie…Eddie look at me…come on…I said I was sorry." Em made his way over next to me and bumped his shoulder with mine.

"You're just saying that," I muttered under my breath, "You don't mean it."

"I _do_ mean it." Em bounced a little on my bed forcing me to unfold my arms so that I could keep my balance. I wasn't really mad at him anymore, I was really just hurt.

"Why'd you do it Em?" I finally turned to look him; he eyed me carefully before giving out this tiny sigh.

"I don't know Eddie." He shrugged his shoulders, "I'm not sure. Ever since Rose moved down the block, I've been acting funny. There's something about her…"

"She's not very nice." I was still muttering.

"No, that's not true, she is pretty nice. We were just talking outside; she said she hopes you feel ok. She didn't mean to scare you…"

I turned my head and stared at Em. There was something different in his voice; I couldn't put my finger on it. It was just different, but I didn't know_ how_ different…

"I offered to pay for her bike to be fixed. She said she would rather I help her fix it ourselves. Her dad owns a lot of tools, she knows how to use them, she told me I could go over tomorrow." Em's eyes were so round as he talked, I was hardly listening, more fascinated by the way his pupils seemed to be shooting out little sparks whenever he talked.

"You like her?" I don't know why I said that, but for some reason that was all that I was thinking at the moment.

Em didn't say anything to that for a bit, he looked out the window and fixed his stare at the two small birds who were hopping and chirping on the tree branch next to it. Then he finally looked at me…

"You know what Eddie." His eyes were still bright and full of life, "Remember that one time you asked how you would know when you meet the right girl?"

I didn't remember, but I just nodded in agreement with him so that he would get on with his point.

"Well…Rose…I think she's the one…" He took a breath, his next words were more clear…firm… "Yeah, she's the one…that's the girl I'm gonna marry one day…"

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Rose stole the show as always. She walked right into that hall and made every head turn in her direction. She was gracious about it, smiling and acknowledging all the people around her that she knew. She headed for Jake and Philip, giving them a warm embrace.

She looked stunning, in this gold beaded dress, her hair all down. For years after I got sober I worried about her…about her future, just as she had done mine. But like the rest of us, she too was able to conquer her demons and continue to live…

She was quite independent, in her business, and in her personal life. At first we all told ourselves to give her time, and then little by little we all tried in our own ways, to get her to date again. There was always a friend of a friend who we thought would be perfect for her. She did go out on dates, sometimes even second dates, but nothing would ever come out of it. Not for lack of the guys trying, her phone was constantly ringing, guys were constantly coming around, and since she owned two separate auto shops, the string of guys was neverending…

But finally one day, when I had taken Bella's car in for a few minor repairs, she cornered me.

"Edward, you got a minute?"

"Sure Rose, what's up?" I couldn't tell from her appearance that something was bothering her, but I could sense it.

"Bella and Alice are taking me to lunch today…" she hesitated a little, but only to put her wrench down, "And frankly I'm sick of it."

"Of what?" I wasn't too sure what she was getting at, "Of lunch? Or Bella and Alice?" It was supposed to be a joke but she didn't laugh.

"No, not that. Of all those freaking guys they try to set me up with. I know Alice has someone else that she thinks is just perfect for me, and I just don't want to do it anymore."

I stared at her quietly, a little bit thrown that she was telling me this, I was guilty of trying to set her up myself, only once, I learned my lesson then. But right now, she was clearly unhappy about it, and I wondered if she wanted me to talk to Bella and Alice for her or something.

"Have you told them that?" I asked her, already knowing the answer.

"Yes, a million times. They say today is just lunch but I already know that Alice's "friend" is going to be there. They don't seem to understand that I have tried…I mean really tried….but, honestly, I hate it. Dating is_ not_ for me." Her voice had a touch of sadness, just a tiny hint of it, but that's what led to my next question…

"Ever?" I tilted my head to the side.

"I don't think _ever_…" now she just sounded wishful, "but not anytime soon. You see I haven't found anyone…even remotely interesting…who seems genuine…who's swept me off my bike…"

Her laugh was contagious and I had to chuckle at the memory.

"I try not to compare them to Em…but it's not easy…so for the time being I'd rather just wait. I know there is someone out there for me, I'm willing to wait until it happens…naturally."

I understood her, I really did. I just squeezed her hand and smiled at her. "I know it will happen. I know there's someone else out there for you. And I'll tell Bella to lay off, and Alice too. They love you, they'll understand."

"Thanks Edward. You know I'm happy right? I'm really happy with my life, with my job, and my family…you guys. It's everything I need, it's all right here." She spread her arms out around her, that familiar sparkle back in her eyes.

She was right…it was all right here…

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I absolutely loved twirling my wife around on the dance floor that night. Seeing her face light up with each spin, her laugh tickling my senses, she looked radiant, happy, and content…the burdens and trials of thirteen years ago no longer showed.

I was still determined to do everything in my power to make up for what I had put her through. I knew she forgiven me…she told me numerous times, but I didn't care, I would spend the rest of my life doing everything for her, and for my children.

She still stood by me. Watched proudly as my name grew bigger and bigger in the music industry. Hung every single award I received up in our music room. Supported me in every way imaginable, that I often couldn't believe how lucky I was, had to pinch myself to make sure that it was real.

I tried to do the same for her, and once I really opened my eyes, I was in awe of the fabulous woman she really was.

Bella was amazing. Every single day I thanked God for letting her in my life. She single handedly was able to survive my alcoholism, raise Charlie by herself for two years, create a wonderful career in her workplace, and keep a happy loving home for Charlie. So when she allowed me back in her life, I knew I wanted to treat her like the queen she deserved, and I loved that she let me…

The first time I was invited to the Grammy Awards I sent her shopping, with an unlimited budget for a dress, and she didn't disappoint…

That dress fit her like a glove, was a sparkling sapphire blue, and my favorite part was that from the first glance it looked very glamorous and modest. Nothing thigh high or revealing…just lots of shimmery, sparkly allure…until she turned around…the back of the dress was a whole different ball game, it was cut in a very low V shape that hit just the right spot at the bottom of her back. I mean it was just enough to fuel your imagination, and Bella caused quite a stir on the red carpet. I was so smitten with her I swear I acted like a teenage boy that night, I couldn't keep my hands off of her, much to her delight…I hope.

That entire year was a whirlwind of activities…but, of course, none of those things were the best part…it wasn't when People Magazine voted me Sexiest Man Alive, or when I got interviewed by Oprah Winfrey…or even when I won the Grammy for Best Engineered Album…the best part was always, and probably always will be, the look in Bella's eyes whenever she looked at me. I swear I could see the future in her eyes, our future…and the promise, that we would always be together…

When the kids were finally in tucked in their beds sound asleep, I found myself face to face with a very sexy, very provocative, very willing wife…

"You look…_really_ good babe." She smiled at me, and I knew what that smile meant. That was _my_ smile…she only smiled like that at me…

"Not as good as you…" I winked at her, thoroughly enjoying myself, this was always the best part of the evening…

She didn't say anything else, she didn't have to. She was already pressing herself against me, her hands sliding up my torso and tugging my suit jacket off. I lowered my face down onto hers, breathing in her scent and letting my lips brush all along her cheek and jawbone before settling into the crook of her neck. It was my favorite place, that lovely hollow that I seemed to fit in perfectly, all that soft supple skin waiting to be explored. It always made her sigh and then moan, and I fucking loved hearing her moan.

She tilted her head just a little more so I could reach even further, my lips finding their way down to her collarbone and then back upwards. Once my jacket and shirt had fallen away, my hands were free to roam wherever they wanted, immediately starting at her waist, stroking down over her bottom before searching for the zipper on her dress.

She had a surprise for me…a jet black plunging bra with matching ruffle panties and these super sexy thigh high stockings held up with this delicate, delicious looking garter. She didn't always dress this way very much, most of the time we were too busy being parents to enjoy each other this way, but every once in a while, she would do little things like this, that would take my breath away…

Of course seeing her this way just made my head spin…I forgot all about being a daddy…being a musician…being a gentleman…right now I was a man…_her_ man…with a raging hard on…

She just smiled to herself when I let out this groan against her shoulder at seeing her this way. I could feel her lips spread into a smile because they were pressed against my cheek. She was still so sure of herself, and she should be, because she still drove me crazy.

Having her stand next to me nearly naked just sent my blood boiling and my hands got a little rougher, pulling her even closer to me so that I could feel all that skin next to mine.

I started biting at her neck, and up along her earlobe, letting my hands slid into all those sexy curls up around her head, pulling out some of the little pins so that I felt those silken strands tumble down and brush against my shoulders and arms. Her own hands made quick work on my dress pants and before they could even hit the ground her hands were inside of my boxers, her fingers wrapped around me in a tight embrace, pulling at me gently.

Out of pure instinct I could feel my hips thrusting into her hands, she knew what I wanted, and she pulled at me again, just to tease me.

But she didn't make me wait…before I knew what was happening she tore herself away from my embrace quickly, her hands still wrapped around me, and lowered herself down to her knees. I nearly lost it then, my hands opened and flexed, grasping at the air as I felt her hot wet mouth take me in.

Once her mouth was there, she let her hands slide up and down my thighs, causing goosbumps along my skin. Her tongue doing this slow sensual glide all along my shaft, making it so hard to keep from coming, but when I felt her hands return to cup and fondle my balls I was like a man possessed. My fingers closing around her hair tightly, all these gasps and moans escaping my throat involuntarily, I know I was guiding her head now…I could feel the muscles in my arms and legs tighten…I wanted to push her harder against me, make her go faster…and she let me, she was good at this…too good…and she knew it…

Her tongue would flick over the tip of my dick every time her mouth moved back and it felt like I was literally sliding down her throat, it was more than I could bare…and with one last gasp I let loose inside her, her hands immediately grasping at the backs of my thighs and holding me tightly to her, tilting her head back just slightly so that she wouldn't choke.

And she always took her time…after I was finished…she would just linger there, her mouth still all warm and soft around me, I could feel her tongue slide up and down lazily, sometimes doing this circular motion that would never fail to send these little jolts along my spine.

When she knew I was ready…when my breathing almost returned to normal, that's when she would let me go, sometimes with a small pop…to make me jump…to remind me…

But I would never forget…I always returned the favor…keeping her up for hours afterwards…exploring her body in every way imaginable…sending her to new highs just when she thought she couldn't get any higher.

When the sun came up, and I opened my eyes, I could see her looking at me…still wrapped tightly in my arms…still pressed closely against my body…she would be looking at me…and there in her eyes I could see it…my future…our future… our lives…it was all there…

And it was exactly where I wanted it to be…

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"Come on Rach, let's go!" Rachel looked up from her book; she'd been avoiding Charlie's voice for the last ten minutes. She knew it was time to leave and she was dreading it.

"Coming." Her voice was a low whisper, almost a mutter under her breath. She snapped her book shut and shoved it in her brand new backpack. She was regretting now that she picked the backpack with the pink flowers for this school year. What if none of the other girls had flowers on their backpacks? What if the other girls called her a baby because she had little girl designs on her backpack?

The thoughts turned and tumbled in her head as she stood, and she reached out and grasped the handrail of the steps for balance. Why was the first day of school always so hard?

Charlie finally appeared in front of her, the look in his eyes was one of impatience. Charlie was eager to make it to school early, he looked forward to seeing all his friends again and was not too happy to see Rachel dragging her feet and making him late.

"What's wrong Rach? We're gonna be late if you don't hurry up." He tried to move her along placing his hand on her back, but she just pulled away.

"Nothing." Rachel's voice sounded funny to her own ears. She just knew the other girls were going to pick on her. She thought about pretending to feel sick. Maybe Charlie would call their mom and she would get to stay home.

"You don't want to be late on the first day of school. Come on, I promised Mom and Dad I would get you there safe and sound." Charlie could sense something was wrong, he wanted to dismiss it as first day jitters, but Rachel's next words changed that.

"Charlie…I don't want to go…what if they hate me?" Rachel pushed her hair off of her face. She wanted to run and hide, go find her favorite hair band so she could put her hair back in a ponytail, then snuggle up with her book and read.

"No one is gonna hate you. Why would anyone hate you?" Charlie didn't really want to get into this now, but the look in his little sister's eyes…all that doubt and fear… It pulled at his heartstrings, something inside him told him this was very real and scary to Rach, and it was his job as her big brother to fix it.

"Hey Rach, you know you're not gonna be the only new kid there. The school is brand new; remember how we saw it being built in the summer? All the kids from our neighborhood and the neighborhoods close by will be going there. Everyone is going to be new…and I bet everyone is going to be nervous. Even the teachers…"

This little piece of information intrigued Rachel and she looked up at her brother, narrowing her eyes. "The teachers?" her voice held a question. "Why would the teachers be nervous? They're the ones in charge? What if they let everyone pick on me?"

"Not possible." Charlie tried not to laugh at Rachel's fears, he remembered the time when he was afraid too, he looped his arm through Rachel's and led her down the block to the school site, trying to ease her fears at the same time.

"It's the teacher's job to make sure everyone is nice to each other, and I bet their nervous because they don't know you guys either. Besides, did you bring what I told you to bring? Do you have it in your pocket?"

Rachel nodded, she didn't know why Charlie told her to bring _that_, but she placed it in her pocket anyways.

"Good, you watch and see, when the time is right, that little thing is going to open up a whole lot of doors…"

Rachel stopped listening to her brother. The big double doors of the school building were staring down at her. She pushed her hair back again and gave Charlie one more pleading glance. He let out this little sigh and pulled open the doors for her.

"Come on, I'll go inside with you."

They walked along the wide hallways towards her first class. Rachel was glad she was placed in first period music. She loved spending time with her dad in their music room at home, and she already knew how to play the guitar and quite a few songs on the piano.

There were some students already sitting on chairs in the music room. Everyone turned to look at her and Charlie as they walked in, including the teacher.

"Hello! And welcome to room 22. My name is Ms. Renee, and you are?" Ms. Renee smiled warmly at both her and Charlie. She carried a bright metallic clipboard in her hand, and this rainbow pen hung from it with a string. She was pretty too, with her hair all up in this messy bun, her glasses resting on the lower bridge of her nose.

"Rachel…" Rachel said softly, she could see two of the girls quickly turn their heads together and began whispering in earnest.

"Rachel…" Ms Renee began looking through her class list, flipping through the papers that were attached to the clipboard.

"Rachel _Cullen_." Charlie spoke up, he had seen the two girls who begun whispering, he could see that all eyes were on Rach. This was the perfect opportunity, he thought. "Rachel Cullen," he repeated making eye contact with a few students, "We live just a couple blocks from here."

"Cullen…Cullen…oh here you are!" Ms. Renee finally looked up pleased, then her eyes widened as if something exciting suddenly dawned on her, "A couple of blocks? You aren't by any chance related to…"

Charlie didn't let her finish, Ms. Renee walked right into what he was hoping for… "Edward Cullen is our _father_." He said proudly.

"Oh!" Ms. Renee practically squealed in delight, her eyes danced merrily over Rachel. "I've heard of Edward Cullen. He is a great musician. Do you play music too?"

Rachel nodded shyly, why oh why did Charlie have to go blab all of that right there in front of everyone, and the teacher too!

"How wonderful! Why don't you go sit over there Rachel, you can look over the instruments to see if there are any you would like to try."

Rachel gave one last look to Charlie, all he did was wink at her and wave goodbye. She fingered the small piece of plastic in her pocket as she made her way past a few kids. She tried to find the friendliest looking face to sit next to. This little chubby guy was sitting by the guitars; she picked him…only because he was smiling at her and because a pretty wooden guitar was standing on its base right there next to that empty chair.

Rachel could see Ms. Renee was still all lit up and smiles, her teacher nodded at her when she sat down.

"Hey." The chubby kid said to her, he was holding a bronze trumpet in his hands.

"Hey." Rachel gave him a half smile; she placed her backpack behind her chair, and then immediately reached for the wooden guitar. She looked it over carefully, counting the strings and feeling the neck of it.

"You might want to start with something easier." The chubby kid was watching her as she inspected the guitar. "That's a tough one to learn."

Rachel just looked at him, she was still distracted with guitar, what was he talking about? What was tough to learn?

By habit she pulled out the plastic guitar pick from her pocket and began strumming the guitar. Her dad taught her how to play _Yellow_ a couple of months ago, so that was the first thing she started playing. She was concentrating so hard, and so into getting the sounds just right, that she didn't even notice that the chattering in the room had faded away, and that everyone was looking at her in frozen shock.

She stopped almost immediately, her cheeks turning a bright red. Why was everyone staring at her?

Ms. Renee was almost clapping, and the chubby kid had his mouth wide open. The whispering girls were like statues, with wide eyes full of awe. This made Rachel very uncomfortable.

"Oh Rachel, that was beautiful! Did your father teach you that?" Ms. Renee couldn't help herself, she just had to know.

Rachel nodded shyly, trying to shove the guitar pick back in her pocket quickly.

"Hey! Is that your dad's?" the chubby guy finally found his voice. He recognized the faux tortoise shell guitar pick that Edward Cullen was famous for using. "Can I see it?" he held out his hand eagerly.

Rachel was suddenly surrounded by at least ten different students all chattering, trying to get her attention.

"Your dad really uses that?" "Do you know all his songs?" "Your hair looks so pretty!" "Can you play anything else?" "Will you teach us to play that?"

The questions didn't stop, and within minutes she was the most popular girl in the music room. Ms. Renee picked her to help organize the music room after school, and a few girls asked her to sit with them during lunch break. When the period was over Rachel felt one hundred percent better about herself.

_This is going to be a great year_…she thought to herself. _Charlie was right, and I'm glad I brought dad's guitar pick._

Charlie had to laugh when he saw Rachel burst out of the school doors like a speeding bullet, a huge smile spread across her face, her hair flying wildly around her. He suspected just by her smile that she had a great day.

"Guess what Charlie!" her voice was bubbling over with excitement.

"What Rach?" Charlie couldn't help but give out another chuckle, he liked seeing Rachel so excited, it was worth spending those extra ten minutes with her this morning and being late meeting up with his friends.

"Ms. Renee let me help her organize the music room, and I made three new friends…Valerie, Melissa, and Erin…they asked me to eat lunch with them…it was so cool. They're in my music class too!"

"That's great Rach! I told you the first day would be fun." Charlie began walking his little sister home, he liked the feeling that he had something to do with her having a great day…he liked being the big brother.

"There's this nice guy in my music class too, he sits next to me, his name is James."

Rachel was chattering a mile a minute, and Charlie kept right on smiling at her, genuinely interested in how her day went.

Rachel kept right on talking until they reached their house, she was beyond excited about going back to school tomorrow and seeing all her new friends. She couldn't' wait to go to music class again either, plus she would ask her mom if she could wear her hair down again since everyone liked it. Charlie was right…he was _always_ right…but she already knew that…she had the _best_ big brother ever, and _that_ was never going to change…

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**Thanks again for following me on this wonderful journey! I loved sharing it with you! **

** I hope I will see you again, there is one more story in the works, the tentative name is _Tomorrow_...E is Country Music's hottest star...B is just small town girl...somehow their lives collide and neither of them will ever be the same again...**

**I hope to have it up in about two weeks...**

**Much love to you all...**

**MBella**


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